150 Pounds (41 page)

“Wow, I didn’t know you did self-deprecating,” Shoshana said, still feeling a bit wary toward Alexis.

Surprisingly, Alexis laughed, causing Shoshana to jump in her chair an inch. “You know what? I’ve been doing a lot of things I never thought I would.”

“Oh. Well, who’s the lucky guy?” Shoshana asked. Okay … if Alexis wanted to talk about boys, she could sit here all day. She loved talking about boys. But she suspected there was another reason for Alexis’s visit, and part of her just wanted to get it over with.

Alexis blushed. “His name is Noah. He’s wonderful.”

Shoshana smiled. “Well, good for you. I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks. It’s been a crazy fucking year, that’s for sure.”

She had a potty mouth! Which didn’t show up on her blog or any public appearances. Shoshana loved people with potty mouths. Mostly because she had one herself.

“So … what is it with your family anyway?” Shoshana asked tentatively. “I mean, I remember you hinted that you hadn’t seen them in a long time, when we did
Oprah
. Have things gotten better?”

So Alexis told Shoshana everything, about Billy’s cancer, her mother’s drinking, losing her inheritance when she quit the law. And as she spoke, Shoshana found herself understanding more and more the bitterness and caustic attitude she’d seen in Alexis that had been such a turn-off. Whenever she’d peeked at Alexis’s blog throughout the years, she’d been struck by her coldness, her bitchy attitude. Most of that seemed to have dissipated, if she was judging her character correctly. Her mother always said it was one of her talents, figuring a person out.

“That’s a lot to deal with while you’re preggo,” Shoshana said.

Alexis blew out a deep breath, as though she’d been holding it since she’d walked into the café. “Things are improving, though. After I left Connecticut last month, after the huge fight with my dad, I got a letter from Bunny, who checked herself into an expensive rehabilitation facility in Arizona. I don’t know how that came about, especially since I’d been begging my dad to admit her since she started drinking, but however it happened I’m thrilled and we’ve started up a tentative relationship again.”

“That’s great!” Shoshana couldn’t imagine being lucky enough to have two parents and yet not feeling close to either one of them.

“Yeah. Well, the important thing is that when I told Mom about Billy, she sent me a check. And every week since, she’s been sending the inheritance that my grandparents left me, and I’ve been using it to pay off Billy’s medical bills. I don’t think my father knows about it.”

“Wow!”

“I know. It sounds like we should be on
All My Children,
right? We’re a pretty fucked-up family, but I have to admit, I really love these letters from my mom. My dad still says I’m dead to him, but I don’t think anything I can do would change his mind. He’s an asshole, always has been. The fact that my mom is helping me and Billy, and is interested in her grandchild … I don’t know. She mentioned visiting me when she gets out of rehab, so I think I’m going to let that happen. I’m a little freaked out by it, but I love my mom, you know?”

“I think this is great. Whether you ever make up with your dad or not, at least you’ll have more family in your life. The more family, the better!” Shoshana said.

Alexis chuckled, and Shoshana was again struck by how different her demeanor was.

“Can I get you a cup of coffee?” Alexis asked.

“Sure! I’ll have a medium hazelnut with extra cream and extra sugar.”

Alexis paused. She’d been about to stand. “So I guess you’re not watching your calories, then.”

Something came to a halt inside Shoshana. The bitch! She was about to say something snappy right back, but something in Alexis’s face stopped her. The thing was, the tone was off. If Alexis was saying it to be hurtful, surely her face wouldn’t look so open and relaxed. Shoshana almost felt sorry for her. It was as if Alexis had said it without thinking, that her old mind-set of counting calories hadn’t quite caught up with her current rounder self.

And wasn’t that a little bit like Shoshana and her weight loss? Why else was she purposefully eating two dinners a night, and sometimes even two desserts, in some silly effort to gain a little of her weight back, for fear her readers would think she was a fraud? She didn’t think she’d ever be besties with Alexis; the girl was still too caustic. But wasn’t there perhaps some similarity to be found in their experiences over the last year?

So instead of starting another war, Shoshana simply relaxed. She crossed one sole of her sneaker over her leg and smiled. “You know what? I lost this weight by starting up a farm, out in Chester. I didn’t change my diet too much, and I still heart calories!”

Alexis smiled back, though the expression still seemed foreign on her face. Like she was trying it out. “Well, isn’t
Fat and Fabulous
always talking about listening to your body? Your body wanted to change, and you listened. You should be proud of yourself.”

Shoshana was surprised Alexis had read her blog. “Thanks. You should see the farm sometime. You can come pick your own apples on the weekends.”

“I can’t wait to hear all about it.”

“How’s your best friend doing now?” Shoshana asked.

“Billy’s in remission, actually. I just found out this morning. His latest tests showed him as cancer-free. But I almost lost him.” Tears sprang to Alexis’s eyes. “Sorry. I seem to cry all the time now. It’s the hormones. They really fuck you up.”

“That’s okay!” Shoshana said, digging in her purse and coming up with a crumpled napkin for Alexis. “I’m a really emotional person, and I’m not even pregnant!”

Alexis laughed, sniffling and reaching for the napkin. “Let me go get our coffees, then we can talk.”

As Alexis stood up and awkwardly eased her bump around the table, Shoshana silently observed how much better she looked. She was still wearing four-inch heels (didn’t those make her back hurt?), but the tank top was fitted to her stomach, and she wore maternity skinny jeans and a pretty, knee-length brown sweater with ruffles running down it. Her face, always so angular with high cheekbones, had softened with the additional weight and rounded slightly. She’d grown out her trademark stick-straight blond bob to mid-shoulder-length. Shoshana always thought girls looked better with some shape, and she admired Alexis’s butt in an offhand way in her jeans as she walked up to the counter. In all, she looked curvier. Shoshana approved.

Alexis brought the coffees over, along with a banana nut muffin she cut in half to share with Shoshana, who thought inwardly that maybe Alexis hadn’t changed
that
much, as who wanted to eat only half a muffin? But she was surprised when Alexis suddenly spread her hands on the table and looked earnestly at Shoshana.

“I wanted to thank you for sticking up for me in the
Post,
” she said.

Shoshana chewed her half a muffin, listening.

“You had the opportunity to get me back and you didn’t take it. That takes guts. I … I know this is going to sound crazy, but I really admire you. I always have. I was, well, I was jealous of you, really.”

Shoshana opened her eyes wide.
This is hard for her,
Shoshana realized.
Much harder for her than it is for me. My mom was right
. “Jealous? Of me? What for?”

“You just always seemed so happy. Blogging about your mom, sister, and that wild pack of roommates. Before Noah came along I had no family that was speaking to me. It was just me and Billy. He was the only friend I had in the world. I guess I’ve softened up a bit. I used to see the world in black-and-white terms: skinny or fat. It seemed so clear to me that excess weight meant a lack of self-control. Now I see there are a million reasons for it.”

Shoshana smiled and tentatively put her hand on Alexis’s arm. “Including happiness,” she said.

Alexis blushed. Shoshana realized how pretty she was, the rose in her cheeks spreading all the way to her straw-colored hair. She looked so much better at a normal weight, but it wasn’t just the weight gain that had her looking better, it was something that radiated from within, a shift in thinking.

“Right. Including happiness,” Alexis said softly.

They ended up talking for two hours, as the golden light outside turned to dusk and customers walked in and out in bright, colorful streaks. She eventually felt sorry for Sinatra and smuggled him underneath the table. The hum of grinding beans drowned out their voices. Muted conversations took place around them, and Shoshana came to a place of relaxation finally, within this conversation with a woman who had once been her enemy. A deep calm spread across her chest; her shoulders dropped from around her ears.

It fascinated Shoshana to learn that Alexis had experienced a similar backlash of hate mail from readers because of her change in weight. Alexis had been too afraid to blog about her weight change, but the
Post
story had seen to it that everyone knew. Both girls agreed they couldn’t please everyone, and their core readers, the loyal ones who had stuck by their blogs, were the ones giving support and who would stay on. She wasn’t sure she and Alexis would ever be super close, but she knew she’d just collected another friend, as Pam would say. She was over the
Oprah
fight; she was through with worrying about whether her readers would drop her because of the weight loss. She was just herself, Shoshana. Her father would be proud.

When they got to the dressing room, Shoshana and Emily found Alexis struggling with a pair of Spanx.

“You know that’s totally insane, right?” Shoshana told her new friend.

Emily eyed Alexis warily. It had taken the entire flight from New Jersey to Chicago to convince Emily she shouldn’t kick Alexis’s ass.

“Let me get this straight,” Emily said to her sister, as they flew over Pennsylvania. “We like her now?” The hum of the motor from the belly of the plane made it hard to hear Emily, who was sitting on Shoshana’s left, her mom on her right. Oprah had flown out her immediate family again, much to the delight of Pam and Emily, whose tattooing had slowed. (Her business was highest in the summer months, when New Yorkers showed more flesh.) At the hospital, many of the younger nurses had been let go due to cutbacks, and Pam was working four shifts a week instead of three. She needed the diversion from work.

In recent weeks, Shoshana experienced an overwhelming response to her orchard; after the
New Jersey Monthly
profile came out with glossy spreads of Shoshana surrounded by Greta, Joe, and all her friends with the trees in the background, she’d had an influx of customers and was baking apple pies around the clock. Greta took over the orchard while she was away.

Now, on the plane, while popping peanuts into her mouth, maneuvering them around her lip ring, Emily said dryly, “I still can’t pop blondie one?”

“Right,” Shoshana said, taking a sip of her free Coca-Cola, which the cheerful stewardess brought over a few moments ago.

“And you two are going on
Oprah
to make a big announcement that you won’t even tell your only sibling in the world, who adores you.”

“Or her mother!” Pam chimed in, folding her colorful
Food Network
magazine in half. She’d become a huge Paula Deen fan lately, cooking up big batches of comfort food like lasagna and various casseroles for everyone at the farm.

“Correct,” Shoshana said. An announcement came on the loudspeaker from the pilot, informing them to begin preparation for landing. Shoshana always found this ridiculous; what was she supposed to do to prepare, ease up on the throttle? The crew came by with a trash bag, and Shoshana leaned over Emily to throw her plastic cup inside.

“But Shosh!” Emily cried. “I can’t stand the suspense.”

“Well, you’ll just have to,” Shoshana said, cackling like Dracula at her sister.

When they’d boarded, a painfully thin redheaded woman wearing a gray St. John suit had leaned over and whispered something in the ear of her husband. Shoshana was the closest and overheard:

“I thought they had weight restrictions on airplanes now.”

Then, unbelievably, she’d pointed to Pam, who, luckily for the woman, hadn’t heard her, and nor had Emily. Shoshana could just picture their trip starting out with bailing Emily out of jail.

“They also have restrictions against assholes,” Shoshana had said, leaning over and whispering to the woman. “But I see you slipped right past security.”

Ignoring the woman’s shocked face, she’d sat down. Having always been heavy, she was hyperaware of the way people viewed her mother and sister these days. She sometimes felt as though she were wearing a fat suit like Gwyneth Paltrow in
Shallow Hal
. An invisible line of energy, about two inches from her body, which pulsated invisibly to everyone else. Some days, her new body felt like a costume she’d tried on. But she was getting used to it. Her roommates took her shopping recently, after tiring of seeing Shoshana wearing ridiculously baggy pants, held up by belts and even string. She grudgingly admitted it was fun shopping at J. Crew and H&M, with all their pretty displays and attractive clothing; before, their sizes had not run high enough to fit her body.