Authors: Clara James
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A
llie had been very quiet on the journey home. The
expression on her face left Reece in no doubt that she was deep in thought, and
he hoped that she was reconsidering the possibility of treatment. So, he took
her silence as a positive sign; an indication that he wouldn’t have to do much
to persuade her to go back to the hospital. However, as he wandered
lethargically into her apartment, struggling to lift his feet and keep his eyes
open, he was amazed to find her moving around the room with a flurry of energy.
She began quickly clearing away the things they’d left
scattered around the kitchen from their dinner the night before. She opened
several cupboards looking for something, until she finally shouted a
triumphant, “There you are!” Gripping the handle of a dustpan, she tugged it
from its hiding place.
“What are you doing?” Reece blurted, one hand rubbing
anxious at his forehead, while he watched her with incredulous eyes.
“Cleaning up,” she tossed back, as though the question was a
stupid one. Not bothering to look at him, she sank to her knees by the small
dining table and began sweeping up the fragments of glass that had been smashed
in their flurry of passion – that all seemed suddenly so long ago she realized.
Inhaling deeply, Reece moved forwards gently grasping her
arm and stilling her attempt to clean the floor. “Don’t you think you should be
resting?” he asked, not waiting for an answer before he looped his arms around
her waist and lifted her to her feet.
“Hey,” she protested, as he moved her with ease. “I can’t
leave this here,” she added, still clutching the dustpan and using it to
gesture to the red wine that was no doubt staining her kitchen tiles.
“Then I’ll clean up,” Reece responded. “You need to get to
bed.”
“I’ve just spent God knows how long in a bed, Reece,” she
insisted, trying to push him away, while he continued to hold her. “Would you
let go?” she urged.
Reluctantly, Reece relaxed his grip and slowly released her.
However, he stayed close, still within reach and ready to stop her if she began
to exert herself again. “I’m worried about you,” he admitted quietly.
“Well,” she exhaled, regretting the loss of his warm
embrace. Not that it had been an embrace, she reminded herself. He was just
preventing her from moving; he hadn’t been hugging her. And yet, she still
missed the feeling. “You don’t need to worry,” she eventually added. She didn’t
look at him as she said those words, but quickly plastered a smile on her face
after they’d been spoken. “It’s just one of those things, right?” she added,
with a shrug of bravado. “We’re born; we die.”
“Allie,” Reece mumbled, shaking his head as he struggled to
come to terms with everything he’d been told in the last twelve hours. “I
really think-”
“You look tired,” she quickly interjected. She wasn’t sure
what he wanted to say, but whatever it was, it would be far too painful to
hear. “Maybe you ought to head home,” she suggested. “Get some sleep.”
“No,” he replied. “I wanted to talk. I think we should,
don’t you?” he challenged, recognizing her avoidance tactic and determined not
to let her hide from him or her illness.
Lifting a tired arm, Allie tucked a strand of hair behind
her ear, before placing the plastic dustpan on the table. “Yeah,” she sighed.
“Okay, you’re right.” Nodding, she pointed to the living room behind Reece,
silently suggesting that they take a seat on the couch.
Reece responded in kind, not speaking as he moved backwards,
keeping his eyes tightly fixed on her, while he stepped aside and allowed her
to precede him. As she dolefully padded past him, he regarded her slender
frame, which seemed so much more fragile than it had before. He mentally kicked
himself for not realizing sooner that something was seriously wrong. He
followed her closely, but waited until she settled into the couch before taking
his seat next to her.
“Okay,” she breathed, awkwardly trying to massage the back
of her neck with her right hand. “It might be best if you just forget what I
said last night.”
“What do you mean?” Reece responded, his exhausted head
snapping around so he could face her fully. “I’m supposed to forget that you’re
sick?”
“No,” she countered slowly, bringing her left hand up to
lace with her right at the nape of her neck. “Well, you can forget that too if
you want,” she quickly added. “But I meant… I meant,” she stumbled. If she said
what was on her mind that would be it, past the point of no return; she’d be
effectively shutting the door on any kind of relationship with him. But, as she
was quick to remind herself, they could never have any kind of relationship
anyway. Trying to pretend differently would just be cruel to both of them.
“Maybe you should forget that I told you I love you,” she eventually said.
Reece released a humorless scoff. “What are you talking
about?”
“This is what I was trying to avoid in the first place,” she
mumbled, leaning forward and resting a tense head in anxious fingers. “I didn’t
want hurt anyone, especially not you.” She twisted her face to look at him, but
he made no effort to respond. Instead, he waited, watching her as he challenged
her to explain. “Reece we can’t just pretend that everything is fine. We can’t
drag this out; hoping things will turn out differently, when we both know how
it will end.”
“That’s not true,” he argued. “We don’t know how it will
end. You should go back to that hospital and start getting treatment.”
“No,” she insisted, shaking her head firmly.
“Yes,” he countered. “The doctor said-”
“I know what the doctor said,” she interrupted. “And I’m not
stupid, Reece, I know what radiotherapy will involve, how ill it would make me.
I’m not going to put myself through that.”
“So, you’re just giving up?”
Allie opened her mouth to snap something back, but closed it
again. This wasn’t getting either of them anywhere. “It’s not like that,” she
sighed. “I’ve accepted what’s happening to me, Reece. If there was a good
chance of radiotherapy working, I’d take it. But the odds are slim, so I’m not
going to spend my last month’s feeling sick, being forced to stay in the
hospital and dying there.”
“A slim chance is better than no chance at all,” he blurted
defiantly.
“It’s not your decision to make,” she insisted angrily.
Suddenly his attitude was annoying her, it spoke more of arrogance than
concern. “Who the hell do you think you are?”
“I care about you, damn it,” he yelled.
“Then why can’t you respect my decision?” she shouted in
return.
In a flash of motion, Reece was thrusting himself forwards,
his hands snaking around her hips, as his mouth crashed down upon hers. His
weight pushed her back onto the couch and her upper half was soon lying beneath
his.
Allie fought against him, a muffled, “Get offa me,” cried
out and coupled with two fists beating against his chest. However, Reece would
not release her. And soon, the hands she had fruitlessly used in her attempts
to push him off were wrapped around his back. Her mouth, meanwhile, opened and
her tongue darted out to aggressively entwine with his.
Both of them were breathing hard, frantic gasps between
slanted open-mouthed kisses. Reece’s hands traced carefully down the shirt at
her sides, his fingertips brushing over her in a way that never failed to set
her on fire. As he brought them back up, he curled his palms over her
cotton-covered breasts, gently cupping her breast that were swaying freely
without a bra. Her nipples almost instantly reacted, popping up into the heel
of his hand and seeming to beg for more of his touch.
Allie mewled plaintively, the sound of need reverberating in
the pit of her stomach. She quickly realized that she liked Reece like this. A
demanding, desperate side of him, the same one that had caused the mess in the
kitchen. It really turned her on.
“I love you,” he mumbled, freeing his lips from hers.
“Oh, God,” she whimpered, as the swell of his groin began to
push against her hip. Instantly, as had always been the way, her body responded
to him. Her legs instinctively parted and her pelvis moved rhythmically against
him, as her arousal acknowledged the primal call of his. She needed to feel the
pressure between her thighs, the satisfying warmth of his body questing for
hers. He rolled slightly, slipping his broad thigh between her legs. It wasn’t
quite what she’d been hoping for, but the glorious weight of his strong muscle
pushing against the swollen, moist lips of her outer sex was close enough.
“Ahh,” she cried, her hips bucking, as she tried to stimulate herself further.
“I love you, Allie,” he repeated, his lips working down her
neck. “I don’t want to lose you.”
Those words were like a bucket of cold water thrown over her
lust. There was no question, he was going to lose her: sooner or later. She
could make it easier on him, or she could make it harder. “Stop,” she gasped,
once again shoving at his broad shoulders. “Stop.”
Instantly, he lifted his head. “Am I hurting you?” he asked,
panicked by the sudden tension he felt in her body.
The question was almost laughable to Allie. It ran through
her head to say, ‘no, but I’m going to hurt you’. “Reece, we have to talk,” was
what actually came from her mouth. “We really can’t do this,” she announced,
her voice shaking.
Slowly, he released a deep breath and eased himself away
from her, realizing that their position and a growing discomfort in his pants
was not conducive to a serious discussion. Closing his eyes, he tried to think
unsexy thoughts and, as he pondered what Allie was about to say, found it
surprisingly easy to banish the erection in his jeans. “Why not?” he eventually
asked, fixing her with his bright blue eyes.
“We can’t carry on seeing each other,” she replied, as if it
were obvious to her and should have been to him, too. “Listen,” she breathed,
as her brain finally landed on a tack that might prove more effective. “I
started seeing people,” she placed a quiet emphasis on the word ‘seeing’ to
ensure he would understand her meaning, “shortly after I found out about the
leukemia. Nothing serious, it was all just about having some fun; making up for
lost time.”
His brow crinkled slightly, but he made no comment about the
revelation. Allie wondered whether there was disappointment in his face, but
all she could clearly define was confusion.
“I sort of promised myself...”she continued, pausing when
she found it more difficult than she’d bargained to bare her soul. “I told
myself that I wasn’t going to leave this world regretting experiences I’d
brushed aside, because, at the time, I had better things to do. Do you know
what I’m saying?” she asked, wondering how she’d go about rephrasing it if he
said, ‘no’.
“I think so,” he responded, slowly nodding, while he leaned
back in the couch. However, he still stared at her as though she were now a
totally different person from the one he’d been so sure he knew.
“I know what you probably think of me,” she muttered,
guessing by the look on his face that the word ‘slut’ was echoing around his
head.
“I don’t think anything,” he quickly insisted. “It’s not for
me to judge what you did, Allie. I just...” he added, unable to quite finish
his thought. “So, while we were...” he stumbled, gesturing between his chest
and hers. “You were seeing other people?”
“No,” she assured him rapidly. “No, I umm...” Allie wasn’t
sure whether telling him the truth would make things better or worse. She
suspected the latter, but forged ahead. “It was supposed to just be one time
with you, but I...” Allie shook her head, banishing the emotions that welled up
every time she thought about making love with Reece. “Anyway,” she quickly
sighed. “Now that I know that time is even more limited, I really want to make
sure I don’t have any regrets.”
Reece’s whole body became rigid. His head snapped around,
his eyes deliberately moving away from her and to the floor. “You mean, you
want to start seeing other people again?” he demanded, an edge in his question
that Allie had only heard very infrequently; Reece was not a man prone to
anger. At least, he hadn’t been. Given his fluctuations in temper over the
previous few days, she was wondering whether he’d changed, or if she’d just
brought something out in him. “Fine,” he said, not waiting for an answer as he
leaped to his feet. “You want to go around making up for all the one night stands
you didn’t have, go ahead.”
Allie jumped off the couch and opened her mouth to defend
herself, but stopped when she realized what was happening was probably kindest
for both of them. So, she bit her tongue and watched his tall frame stride
across the room. Hating herself for causing him any kind of pain, but realizing
that she had no choice. She could only hope that, in a few months time, he’d
realize it, too.
When he reached the door, Reece spun on the ball of his
feet. “I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for,” he muttered
bitterly, before yanking the door open. He didn’t look back, as he marched
across the threshold, turned sharply to his left and disappeared down the
hallway.
She slowly wandered to the still open door, but didn’t dare
look out into the corridor. Allie knew the sight of him would be enough to
crack her shaky resolve. Instead, with tear-blurred eyes, she gently gripped
the edge of the door and pushed it closed.
Back In The Game
S
he barely slept that night. Hours were spent
simply staring at the ceiling, while she silently argued with herself. Every
sensible, logical impulse in her being told her that she had done the right
thing. And yet, there was a gnawing sense of loss. It was ridiculous, she told
herself, she and Reece had only been back in touch for a few weeks. It was
hardly a committed relationship. In fact, they’d both agreed that wasn’t what
either of them wanted. The chances were, even if she’d been the picture of
health, the fling would have fizzled out on its own. And she certainly didn’t
want Reece sticking around out of some misplaced sense of duty. He cared for
her, that much was and always had been obvious, and he was a loyal friend.
Perhaps his desire to stay wasn’t an undying love he carried for her, as her
imagination had begun to allow her to believe, but simple affection for someone
who had meant something to him. If that was the case, she’d done him a favor by
urging him to leave.
Besides, she mentally added, what she’d said to Reece had
been the truth. The whole reason she’d seen him was because she’d started a
mission to make up for lost time. Of course, with Reece it had been different. He
was the only one of the men from her past with whom she’d had a ‘proper’
relationship. He had also been her first, which she’d known in advance would
stir up emotions that were best left buried.
With weary eyes, but a still buzzing brain, Allie wondered
whether that was all the last few weeks boiled down to. It wasn’t love, it was
just the romantic imaginings of her eighteen- year-old self, set loose by the
mere sight and even the smell of Reece.
By six in the morning, the sun was rising and she still hadn’t
been able to find the refreshment of sleep. With a frustrated mutter, she
pulled the bedclothes off her body and dragged her heavy limbs to the shower.
As the thin, steaming hot jets stung her skin and coaxed some small amounts of
energy from her exhausted body, she wondered if she should go into work.
Kyle had left her two messages the day before, asking
whether she was okay. She’d called in sick, three days previously, when she
simply couldn’t be bothered to go into the office. And she suspected Kyle
thought her illness was nothing more than sulking over the killing of her
story. She couldn’t help but laugh, as she climbed out of the bathtub and
reached for a towel. That all seemed so long ago; a lifetime. Something that
had seemed so important to her no more than four weeks prior, no longer
mattered at all. In fact, nothing much mattered.
With a towel wrapped around her damp body, she drifted back
into her bedroom and settled on the edge of the mattress. One thing did still
matter, she realized. Seizing the moment, obtaining pleasure. Finding the next
thrill, before it was too late. Without conscious thought, Allie laid back on
the bed. Her right hand smoothed down over the terry cloth, before dipping
between her thighs and gently touching herself.
Her eyes remained wide open, staring blankly at the ceiling,
as she stroked her fingers over the small patch of wiry hair and then teased
open the lips beneath it. Lazily, she rubbed two fingers along the slickness,
pausing when she reached the top and her clitoris. Leisurely, she coaxed the
tiny bud to life, until it emerged tight and tender from its sheath. She
lightly rolled her fingertip over the sensitive flesh, but was unable to
completely lose herself to the sensation. She found her own fingers a poor
substitute for what she really desired and, after a few seconds of fruitless
strumming, she removed her hand from her parted thighs and pushed herself off
the bed.
She needed a release; of that much she was certain. And,
resolved to continue her journey towards complete sexual freedom, she was
determined to find the next man to help her.
***
Allie had been browsing Facebook;
her friends and the friends of her friends, in search of another guy she’d
known but hadn’t been in touch with for years. There were two that she
remembered well, and remembered being attracted to, but when she landed on
their profiles she discovered one was gay and the other was married. For a
second, she contemplated just heading to a bar and picking up some stranger.
However, she quickly dismissed the notion. Sexual liberation was one thing,
placing herself in dangerous situations was something else entirely. Besides,
although she didn’t want a relationship with any of the men she’d hooked up
with over the previous weeks, she at least knew that they cared about her. A
strange man, who picked women up in bars, wouldn’t care about her or her
pleasure. There was no way she’d give herself to someone like that.
Giving up on Facebook, she quickly scanned the Chronicle’s
website, checking, out of no more than curiosity, if she’d missed some huge
news event while she’d been away. Her eyes quickly scanned the same old stuff,
until she found an article that caught her eye. But it wasn’t the headline that
appealed to her, but the byline: Patrick Branden. He had been a journalist at
the L.A. Times when Allie had interned there during her senior year at college.
The two of them had got on well, despite the almost twenty year age gap. And
she’d found him incredibly attractive, but pretended otherwise. On one hand,
she thought it would be a bad idea to get involved with a man, who was no doubt
just looking for a fling with a young college student. And on the other hand,
she was acutely aware of what kind of name she’d get for herself if she slept
with the first ‘proper’ reporter who crossed her radar.
Now, however, neither of those things were an issue. Praying
that he was still single (or at least single again) and still as handsome as
he’d been eight years earlier, she searched for an email address for him.
Eventually, she found it and quickly wrote a message that followed the same
formula as almost all of her other introductory emails, ‘Don’t know if you
remember me, but I remember you well. Would be nice to catch up,’ blah, blah,
blah. She quickly sent it and, for the first time in a few weeks, found herself
actually excited about a potential date with a new man.
However, no sooner had she sent the email than her phone
jingled a text message alert. Sighing, she lifted her head and scanned the
small living room for the device. She couldn’t immediately see it and huffed
her frustration at having to get up to look for it. Eventually, she was reduced
to sweeping the cushions off the couch. Sure enough, there the rectangle of
plastic was, sticking out from the back of the furniture. “For God’s sake,” she
muttered, fishing the phone out and bringing it up to her face. “Oh, God,” she
groaned, sinking and twisting her hips, so she landed back on the couch.
‘Sorry about last night. Have had time to think, and I was
out of line. You’re right, it’s your decision and your life. And maybe you’re
right about us parting being for the best, too. I don’t want to make things
more difficult for you. If you need me though, you know where I am. Love, Reece’
Allie sighed deeply, wondering whether she was relieved or
hurt that he’d accepted her suggestion that she go back to seeing other people.
Either way, it was over and that had to be a good thing. And she did want to go
back to seeing other men; just moments ago she’d been excited about the
possibility of seeing Patrick. Suddenly, that had seeped away and she silently
cursed Reece for having that kind of power over her. Her thumb hovered over
‘reply’ for a few seconds and she was about to press it when there came a sharp
knock at the door. Looking up from the phone, she stared at the blank wood, and
then glanced back at the phone’s screen.
Inhaling sharply, she tossed the phone to her side and
pushed herself up from the couch. “Coming,” she called, when the knock sounded
an impatient second time. Reaching out, she grabbed the handle and pulled. She
was met with the scent of Chanel No 5 and stepped back to make way for
Rosalind.
The blonde-haired, slender woman had a bounce in her step as
she crossed the threshold. She wore a tight pair of cycle shorts and a
sleeveless running shirt. She had an iPod clipped to the hem of her shirt; the
cable to the ear buds tucked up inside and the white buds themselves flopping
somewhere near her chest.
Allie stood open-mouthed watching her friend. “Where have
you been?” she asked, struggling not to laugh.
“The gym,” Ros replied, as if the answer were obvious. She
chose to ignore the slight hint of sarcasm she detected in the question.
Closing the door, Allie’s upper half twisted to follow
Rosalind entering the room and taking a seat on the couch. “What were you doing
there?” she continued.
“What do people usually do at the gym,” she asked, flicking
her long hair off her shoulder indignantly.
“Well,” Allie responded, leaning against the door as she
stared at her friend with amusement. “Usually people go there to work out, but
you don’t look or smell like you’ve been doing that.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Ros scoffed, leaning back on the
couch and crossing one smooth, nimble leg over the other. “I haven’t been
running.”
“Of course not,” Allie chuckled, as if the very suggestion
was absurd.
“What else do people do at the gym?”
Opening her mouth to reply, Allie had to admit defeat and
closed it again. Silently, she shrugged.
“I’ve been trying to catch this guy’s eye,” Ros explained
quickly. “He’s really hot and he’s like one of these super fit types, so I
figured I could ‘bump’ into him at the gym and...”
“And what?” Allie sniggered. “Impress with the amount of
running you don’t do.”
Ros stared deadpan at her friend. “I really don’t know why I
come here,” she quipped, before allowing the smallest hint of a smile to tease
at her lips.
Mirroring the expression, Allie called a truce. Giggling,
she asked, “Did it work?”
Arching an eyebrow, Ros looked very pleased with herself, as
she replied, “Let’s just say, I’ve got a date tonight.”
Shaking her head in wonder, Allie pushed herself away from
the door and approached the couch. She would have asked her how she did it, but
the truth is all she had to do was look at her. Ros was, stereotypically, what
every man looks for in a woman. And, of course, things don’t become
stereotypical without being largely true.
“How about you?” Ros eventually asked, breaking the silence.
“Ahh,” she breathed in reply, flashing her friend a
self-deprecating smile. “Remember I said it would be a bad idea to go on a date
with my first love?” She waited for Ros’ nod of confirmation, before
continuing, “Well, it was a bad idea.”
“Oh shit,” came the sympathetic reply. “What happened?”
Bored with her own fluctuating emotions, Allie gave Ros the
Readers’ Digest version of the saga, before summing up with a, “So, now all I
want is to go back to the original plan and try to forget all about Reece.”
“Wait, wait, wait,” Ros quickly blurted. “You were in the
hospital? Why didn’t you call me?”
“It was no big deal,” she brushed aside. “I wasn’t on my own
and I was only in there overnight.”
Uncrossing her legs, Ros straightened herself and set
concerned eyes on Allie’s face. For the first time that morning, she really
studied her friend and noticed the paleness in her cheeks and black circles
under her eyes. “What’s wrong?” she demanded, suspiciously. “You passing out
must have meant something.”
“I was tired and hadn’t eaten properly,” Allie responded
calmly. “That was all it meant.”
With a firm shake of her head, Ros indicated that she was
not buying it. “There’s more to it than that. What’s going on?”
Allie, avoided her eyes, knowing that she wouldn’t be able
to keep the news from her, but praying that something would prevent her from
actually having to say the words out loud. However, after several seconds of
silence, it became apparent that she wasn’t going to be saved by the bell. Drawing
in a weary breath, she repeated what Dr. Luitger had told her.
“Fucking hell,” Rosalind breathed, her eyes searching
Allie’s face carefully. “So are you going to have the treatment?”
Her response was a simple shake of the head.
“Are you sure about this?”
“Look, don’t you start,” Allie grumbled. “I’m a big girl,
and I’m smart enough to know the ramifications if I take the treatment and if I
don’t.”
“I know, I know,” Ros quickly replied, soothing her friend’s
anger with a light tough at her knee. “So, what now?” she sighed.
Allie shrugged. “I’ll take things as they come,” she said,
forcing a breeziness into her voice. “And I’m going back to my original goal.
Having that weird quasi relationship with Reece messed me up. I’m more sure
than ever that all I need is no-strings sex.”
Not answering verbally, Ros flashed a smile that didn’t
reach her eyes. “You got someone in mind?” she asked, nudging Allie’s leg with
her own. In truth, Rosalind was less concerned with Allie’s sexual exploration
than she was with her health. However, it was evident than any further
conversation about hospitals or treatment would simply result in frustrated
antagonism on both sides. She suspected that Allie needed to forget about being
sick and just live for the moment. If that brought her comfort, then Ros was
only too happy to go along with it.
“Hopefully,” Allie responded, unaware of the thoughts
rolling through Rosalind’s head. She glanced to the coffee table and her open
laptop, disappointed to see that there was no reply from Patrick. “He’s
completely different from Reece, so I think he’s just what I need.”
“Maybe,” Ros acknowledged, nodding in a way that seemed to
speak of placation rather than agreement.
“What?” Allie instantly responded, noting the expression and
recognizing it well. “You don’t think so?”