#3 Truth and Kisses (9 page)

“A kiss between friends?” It sounded more like a question when I repeated it. I knew I sounded like June, but I didn't care.

Brynn nodded her head. “No big deal.”

And that's when I lost it. I didn't want to have a confrontation at school, but everything I'd been feeling and thinking came out. “It was a big deal to me. You're supposed to be my best friend. You and Billy and I are all supposed to be best friends. I know you like Billy, but you haven't said the first word about it to me, and now you're telling me that kissing him was no big deal?” My lips were starting to tremble.

Brynn stood there silent for long time. Whenever we have an issue, she's always defensive. This time was no exception. “April, there's nothing going on between Billy and me.”

That wasn't an answer to my question. “You're so into ‘brutal honesty' but you can't even admit that you like Billy?”

I waited for Brynn to confirm what we both knew was the truth, but she didn't do that. “I think we need to take a break,” said Brynn.

I nodded.

I couldn't have agreed more.

9:45 p.m.
In my room

Billy just called. He didn't waste any time on small talk. “What's going on with you? You haven't picked up when I've called, and I know you and Brynn had a fight at school.”

I wasn't sure if I wanted to say: I saw you kissing at the dance. Or: I thought it seemed like you wanted to get back together. Or even: Funny how neither you nor Brynn mentioned anything to me about how you're a couple now. So all I said was, “Everything's fine.”

Billy hesitated, like he was thinking before he spoke. “It just seems like you've been upset all week.” He paused. “I guess I just want to know what you're thinking.”

“Nothing,” I lied. I know I could have said that I don't like it when he and Brynn kiss, or when he says things like
“I miss this.”
But I didn't say any of that. Billy hates it when I won't tell him what's on my mind.

It felt incredibly satisfying to just stay quiet.

Friday, February 21, 6:03 p.m.
Big problems

Brynn and Billy are the least of my problems. Even though Brynn and I aren't speaking and Billy's upset because I won't tell him what's on my mind, my biggest problem is Des. Today as I was helping her into her costume for dress rehearsal, which is tomorrow, I could see tears welling up in her eyes. “What's the matter?” I asked.

“I'm not ready for the show.” I looked at poor Des, and her face said it all. Tomorrow is dress rehearsal, and she didn't feel confident. She was scared.

“You'll be OK,” I said to Des. But my words sounded weak, even to me.

Saturday, February 22
Dress rehearsal disaster

My problems continue to multiply. Dress rehearsal was a complete disaster for Des. When she was supposed to go left, she went right. When she should have gone right, I don't know where she went. It's not a competition, but most of the other girls looked better than she did. When we were done going through the show, Ms. Baumann pulled me aside. “April, you need to do something.”

Clearly.

3:45 p.m.
Back from the diner

I went to the diner to talk to Dad. I had to talk to somebody, and his years of writing an advice column for the Faraway newspaper have always made him a better-than-average choice in my mind. When I got there, he was already in his office. He looked up when he saw me. “April,” he smiled. “What brings you here?” He knows the only reason I'd come to the diner on a Saturday afternoon is because I needed to talk.

I sat down in a chair and took a Tootsie Roll out of the bowl on his desk. He didn't say a word while I chewed and swallowed. I got straight to the point. “Brynn and I both like Billy.”

Dad raised an eyebrow like he wanted me to elaborate, so I did. I told him everything that happened. When I was done, he sat for a minute with his lips pursed, like he was thinking. Then he spoke. “You know, you're not the first set of friends to fight over a guy,” he said.

I hadn't expected that. “Can you give me an example of someone else?”

“Angelina and Jen fought over Brad.”

I shook my head. “I don't think they were ever friends.”

Dad nodded like I had a point. I asked for another example. Dad furrowed his brow. “I read somewhere that Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez fought over Justin Beiber.”

It sounded so funny coming out of Dad's mouth. I laughed out loud. “Where'd you get that?” I asked.

Dad grinned. “I've got my sources.” Then he got up and left his office. When he came back, he had two slices of chocolate pie. He handed me a fork, and I dug in.

It didn't solve my problems, but it made me feel a little better.

9:45 p.m.
Some perspective to go with my pie

Tonight I realized my problems aren't nearly as bad or as important as I think they are. I feel sick after what happened today. But not for me. For Matt.

Tonight, when I took Gilligan on a walk, I saw Matt outside. I had this weird feeling like he was waiting to see if I came out, because right when I did, he fell in step beside me and started talking. “You look pretty bad,” he said.

“Thanks,” I responded sarcastically. I wasn't thrilled about him seeing me with dirty hair, no makeup, and baggy sweatpants.

Matt smiled. “I didn't mean it like that. What's going on?” He nudged my elbow like he was listening if I wanted to talk, so I did.

I told him what happened with Brynn and Billy at the dance. Then I told him about Des and how she's not ready for the dance show. “I feel terrible. I've been so consumed with my own problems, I haven't been focusing on helping her.” He was quiet, so I added what I'd been thinking since this afternoon. “I'm a bad person,” I said.

“April, you're not a bad person.” Maybe he didn't think so, but I felt like one. I'd let Des down.

Matt was quiet for a long time as we walked. I nudged my elbow into his. “Your turn.”

He didn't say anything at first. “There's something I haven't told anyone since I moved to Faraway.” The way he looked at me, I knew what he was about to say next was serious. I waited until he was ready to continue.

Matt cleared his throat, like it was hard to get the words out. “My mom and I moved here from California because my dad was …” He stopped and looked up at the sky. After a moment, he finished. “He was abusive. It was bad.” He paused. I didn't say a word.

Matt kept going. “I wanted to leave for a long time. I kept a map of the United States tucked between my mattress and box spring. Every time my dad hit my mom or me, which was a lot, I'd take out the map and point to a different city. ‘We should go here,' I'd say to my mom. She always acted like she was considering my suggestion, but I knew she wasn't going to leave. Then one night, my dad was bad. Real bad. He'd been drinking. He punched me in the face so hard, it busted my nose. I knew it was then or never. When my dad passed out, I took out the map and pointed to Faraway. ‘That's where we need to go,' I said to Mom. We quickly packed a bag and left. We never looked back.” When Matt finished, he looked at me.

I was shocked. Hearing his story brought tears to my eyes. When I pictured him in California, I imagined him surfing and hanging out on the beach. I never envisioned something like this. Now I understood the questions he'd asked about strangers poking around for information on our street. I just looked at him. I was speechless.

“I've been wanting to tell you that for a while.” He shrugged. “I mean, I needed to tell someone, and there's just a feeling I get when I'm around you. Like I can trust you.” He paused. “Do you know what I mean?”

I nodded. I knew exactly what he meant. I thought about what Sophie had said about me liking Matt. Suddenly, everything seemed so clear. I dropped Gilligan's leash and wrapped my arms around Matt's neck. I hugged him hard, and he let me.

On the side of my cheek, I could feel his tears running into my own.

—Lady Gaga

Friday, February 28, 6:15 p.m.
Day before the show

Every afternoon this week, I stayed after rehearsal and worked with Des. It was Matt's idea. On Sunday, he told me this story about his first baseball coach in California who wouldn't let him leave practice one day until he learned to hit.

“I'll never forget it,” Matt told me. “It was just Little League, but he treated it like it was the majors. He made me stay at the field and work on my swing for hours after the other kids had gone home. But somehow that night, I got it. You should make Des practice until she gets it,” he said.

So I did. Today (which is good timing because the show is tomorrow), when we'd finished going over all the steps in all of the dances, I high-fived Des. “Looking good!” I said. “You've worked really hard, and I know you're ready. I'm proud of you,” I added.

When I said that, Des put her hand on her hip. It reminded me of the first time I'd met her. “I'm proud of you, too,” she said.

I grinned. It was such a Des thing to say.

Saturday, March 1, 9:39 p.m.
Big night!

Tonight was the dance show at the community center, and it was amazing.

The girls on the dance team and all of the girls who were performing got to the auditorium early. As I was helping Des into her costume, I could tell she was nervous.

“I look like I've been playing dress-up in my mother's closet.” She gestured to her costume, which hung on her small frame, and then looked around at some of the more developed girls who filled out their costumes better than she did.

This was a topic I could help her on. I stuck out my own small chest. “I'm right there with you, sister,” I said.

She looked down at my little boobs and cracked up. I was just happy I could help her relax. As I was putting her makeup on, we could see from our spot backstage that the auditorium was filling up fast. “Standing room only,” Des said.

I knew it was code speak for
I'm scared out of my mind.

I wrapped my arm tightly around her. “You're going to be great!” I reminded her how hard she'd worked. When the music started and it was time for the girls to line up on stage for the opening number, Des squeezed my hand. “You got it,” I mouthed as she went with the other girls to take her place.

The opening number with all of the girls was pretty smooth. Des slid a few times when she should have shuffled, and once she went left when she should have gone right, but she wasn't the only one who made a few missteps, and honestly, they were pretty minor. When Des came backstage, her eyes met mine. Ms. Baumann had drilled it into the girls that there was to be no talking backstage between numbers, so I gave her a thumbs-up. She knew she'd done her part.

The rest of the show went well too. Des was in one more dance, and then everyone went back on stage for the finale. When it was over, the crowd went crazy. I've never heard so much clapping or cheering. The applause went on for a long time. I could see the girls on stage doing curtsies and bows and grinning like they'd just performed on Broadway. It was awesome seeing them all so happy. What happened after the show was cool too. “I'm a star! I'm a big, shiny star!!” Des screamed when she came backstage.

“I don't know about the big part,” I said.

Des threw her arms around me and squeezed hard. It was a big hug for a little girl. “You're the best dance teacher ever,” she said, ignoring my last comment.

I laughed. “I'm the only one you've ever had!”

“You're the only one I'm ever going to have,” Des said. I put my arm around her. She might not continue dancing, but she really did a good job tonight. She slipped her arm around me. We were standing like that, talking to some of the other girls, when Matt came backstage. I was shocked to see him. I had told him about the show, but I didn't think he'd come.

“Great show!” he said to me. Then he looked at Des. “You must be the mighty Desiree.” He gave her a big, white-toothed smile.

“Tell me this is Matt,” she whispered into my ear. During our week of private rehearsals, she'd managed to coax the latest boy drama out of me, which included Matt minus a few private details. When I nodded that it was, she put two fingers in her mouth and let out a whistle like she approved. Matt belly-laughed.

“Great job,” he told Des.

“That's cool he came,” Des said when he left. I nodded that it was. “Do you think Billy and Brynn came?” she asked.

I shook my head. My family had been in the audience, but I knew Billy and Brynn weren't there.

Des could tell talking about it upset me. “No big deal,” she said, like she was trying to cheer me up. “Things have a way of working out.”

I wasn't quite sure how or if things actually will work out with Billy and Brynn, but somehow hearing her say it made me feel better.

I didn't have time to dwell on what she'd said for long. Parents were coming backstage to congratulate the girls. Ms. Baumann made a nice speech telling them all how great they'd done, and then we had a party with a cake and punch. When it was time to say good-bye, Des kissed me on the cheek. “I'm going to miss you,” she said. It made me smile. She's a pretty cool kid.

“I'm going to miss you too,” I told Des.

10:17 p.m.

Matt just texted me for the first time ever! It was really sweet. Here's how the conversation went:

Matt: Cool how you helped Des.

Me: Thanks for coming to the show!

Matt: I liked it.

Matt: Dance is cool.

Me: :-)

Matt: Spring break next week.

Me: I can't wait!

Matt: We should hang out.

Me: Sounds like fun!

Matt: :-)

10:32p.m.
Can't sleep

I just called Sophie and told her about Matt coming to the show and how he texted me.