4 Waxing & Waning (6 page)

I woke up in a foul mood the next morning, my dreams plagued by images of Aric sharing his bed with the auburn-haired devil. Rationally, I knew I had no reason to be angry. I’d ended it with him. We’d been apart for five months. Thinking he wouldn’t move on was naïve.

It still hurt.

I decided to take out my aggression on today’s sparring partner. His name was Nick, and the only thing I knew about him was that he was big and he thought being paired with a girl was somehow beneath him.

After I’d knocked him to the ground for the third time, he wasn’t taking it so lightly anymore. “I don’t want to hit a girl,” he warned.

“Don’t think of me as a girl,” I replied. “Think of me as the enemy.”

Nick clenched his right fist, but I read the move and dodged when he lashed out with his left. I raised my leg, slamming it into his stomach with as much force as I could muster. When he doubled over, I jammed my linked fingers down on the back of his neck and brought him to his knees.

It felt good.

Nick toppled over, gasping for breath.

“I think you’ve made your point,” Professor Blake said.

I glanced up to find him standing in the doorway watching us. “He’s the one who didn’t want me to take it easy on him.”

“And I’m sure he’s regretting that now,” Blake said. “Nick, why don’t you go and check in with the nurse.”

“I’m fine,” Nick rasped out.

“Just play it safe,” Blake instructed. “I need a few moments alone with Zoe.”

Nick straightened, casting a dark look in my direction before limping out of the training room. I hadn’t even touched his legs. What a baby.

When Nick was gone, I busied myself with drinking from a bottle of water and waiting to let Blake approach me. He wanted the opposite – I was sure of that – but ceding control to him on even a minor point wasn’t something I was willing to do. Not today.

“So, your training seems to be going well,” Blake said, finally stepping into the room and giving me control of the conversation.

“It’s going,” I said, wiping the sweat from my brow.

“And, are you enjoying your time with us?”

I shrugged. “It’s fine.”

“You don’t seem fine,” he said. “In fact, you seem the opposite of fine.”

“You don’t know me very well. You’ll figure out pretty soon that this is how I look when I’m fine.”

“You’re right that I don’t know you very well, Zoe,” Blake said, pulling two folding chairs over to the center of the room and positioning them so they were facing each other. He sat in one and motioned for me to sit in the other. Once I was seated, he continued. “I do know that you seem … unhappy.”

“Have you ever seen me happy?” I asked. “It seems to me that every time you’ve seen me, I’ve been pretty unhappy.”

“When dealing with me? Yes,” Blake said. “When dealing with others, though, I have seen you happy.”

“I think you’re imagining it.”

“Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”

“What makes you think anything is wrong?”

“Because, for a girl who used to smile all of the time, I only see it in rare instances now,” Blake said.

“Maybe it’s just you?”

Blake pursed his lips. “Or maybe it’s the events of last year and your unwillingness to deal with them that is making you unhappy?”

He was digging. He knew I wasn’t telling the truth about Laura and her … disappearance. “Or maybe I’m just focused on the goals you’ve set,” I suggested.

“I would like to believe that,” Blake said. “It doesn’t fit the Zoe Lake that I’ve come to know and … .”

“Love?” I finished for him.

“I was going to say respect,” Blake said.

Now he was just playing with me. “I don’t know what you want me to say,” I said. “I’m here. I’m doing my job. I don’t think my personal life has anything to do with you.”

“And it’s your personal life that’s got you so upset?”

An idea formed in my head. There was one way to dissuade him from this line of questioning. “Well, I am having a problem.”

Blake leaned back in the chair, brief triumph flitting across his face. “Why don’t you tell me about it.”

“Well, my roommate Paris broke up with Mark a few weeks ago, and she’s mad I’ve been hanging around him,” I explained. “I can’t tell her the real reason why I’ve been hanging around with him, so I made up a study group and told her we’re in it together.”

Blake’s forehead wrinkled. “I see.”

“And then there’s my new roommates,” I continued, starting to enjoy the game. “Tally looks like a model, but she acts more like a prostitute in heat. There’s a steady stream of guys coming in and out of the house – and all of them end up in her bed. I can hear it hitting the upstairs wall every night and – trust me – she’s not picking guys with any longevity. And what kind of a name is Tally anyway? It’s ludicrous. Her mother must have been stoned when she named her.”

Blake was rubbing his knee now. He wanted to shut me up, but he’d opened himself up to this, and he was fighting the urge.

“My other new roommate, Kristy, well she’s fresh off the farm, and she thinks that the worst thing in the world are Goths and pot,” I said. “She thinks Goths are devil worshippers and pot is the work of the devil. I want to just shake her. I mean, I know – we know – that there are a lot of things worse than Goths out there. I can’t tell her that. It’s frustrating.”

Blake pinched the bridge of his nose. I could practically see the headache pooling between his ears.

“And then there’s this guy,” I said, going for broke. “He’s so cute. I mean, he’s like omigod-cute. He’s got long hair, and he’s all tan and gorgeous. He wants to have sex with me, but I’m not sure if it’s too early or not. I mean, if I have sex with him too soon, he’ll think I’m a slut. If I wait too long, he’ll get bored and leave.”

I turned to Blake with a pointed look.

“You’re a man. When is the right time to have sex with a guy?”

Blake cleared his throat. “I’m not sure.”

“It’s not that I think that I’m a slut,” I said. “I might be a slut. I might actually be a good slut if I put my mind to it. Is that something to aspire to, though? I mean, in the grand scheme of things, how important are sex skills later in life?”

Blake looked like he was hoping a hole would open up in the floor and swallow him alive.

“I mean, I know I don’t want to be a prude,” I said. “I’ve already had sex. I can’t give it up. That’s like giving up chocolate after you’ve tasted it. There’s just no way. The question is, do I want to be mildly promiscuous or go for the world title?”

Blake was at his limit. He leaned forward, fixing me with a pointed stare. “I don’t think these are questions for me.”

“You asked,” I reminded him.

“I thought your problems were more … dire.”

“You don’t think this is dire?” I was playing my role to perfection now. “This is the future of my sex life we’re talking about. That’s pretty flipping dire in my book.”

Blake slapped his hands down on his knees. “Okay. Let’s take this a point at a time. Tally sounds like a stupid name. Don’t live with her next year. Kristy has issues. I wouldn’t suggest living with her again either. As for the sex thing, well, talk to your mother.”

“You don’t talk to your mother about sex,” I said. “It’s just not done.”

“Then talk to your father.”

“Yeah, my dad found my birth control pills hidden in my bedroom when I was a teenager and thought they were drugs,” I said. “He’d prefer I do drugs than have sex. I don’t think that’s an option.”

“Why don’t you talk to your roommates?”

“They don’t know anything,” I said. “They’re as clueless as I am.”

“Well … there are counselors on campus,” Blake said. “Why don’t you try talking to one of them?”

“I thought you wanted to help me?”

“I do,” Blake said. “I just didn’t think I would be talking to you about … this.”

“Well, you really should have been more specific.”

“I guess so.”

I leaned back in my chair and took another swig of water, fighting to keep the “I won” look from my face. I doubted he would be asking me about my emotional well-being again anytime soon.

“Why don’t we talk about something else,” Blake suggested.

“Sure.”

He opened the file he’d been holding in his hand, slipping a photograph from inside of it and handing it over. “I have a new mission for you.”

I froze when I saw the individual in the photograph. I recognized her. It was the same girl who had been with Aric the night before. This couldn’t be a coincidence. I fought to keep my voice even. “Who is she?”

“We’re not sure,” Blake said. “She’s been seen hanging around the Alpha Chi house over the past four weeks. We haven’t been able to find out much about her.”

“Is she a student?”

“I’ve had someone going through the files at the registrar’s office,” Blake said. “They’ve been trying to match up pictures. So far, we haven’t come up with anything that proves she’s a student here.”

“Why not have someone follow her?”

“Why do you think I’m coming to you?”

My guess was that he was trying to screw with me. “Maybe she’s no one,” I said. “What makes you think that she’s someone of importance?”

“Because the Alpha Chis aren’t known for letting women into their inner circle,” Blake said. “Very few women spend the night there more than once.”

It was creepy that he knew that. “And what? You want me to wait outside of the Alpha Chi house and follow her?”

“Yes.”

“How will I even know when she’s there?”

“I’m hoping you’ll get lucky.”

This sounded like a trick. “Okay.” I took the photograph and shoved it inside of my backpack, which was sitting on the floor. I wasn’t going to let him know that it bothered me.

“You’re not going to argue with me about this?”

“Nope.” The truth was, I wanted to find out more about her myself – just not for the same reasons Blake did.

Blake got to his feet, uncertainty moving across his face. “Okay then.”

I forced a smile. “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?

I was shaking when I got outside of the athletics building. The Academy was housed on a secret floor beneath the facility and, as far as I could tell, the student body was completely unaware of what was happening in the bowels of the building.

I was so lost in thought, I wasn’t watching where I was going and I ran into a wall of flesh so solid I bounced off of it and flailed backwards.

Two strong hands reached out, steadying me. When I lifted my face, it was Aric’s rich, brown eyes that were watching me with concern.

Crap.

“Zoe.”

“Aric.”

“Zoe.”

“Aric.”

We were both at a loss for words.

Aric’s hands tightened on my arms. “What are you doing here?”

His grip was warm, and I was momentarily distracted by the feelings his hands elicited from me. My body was betraying me, my heart rate speeding up, and my own fingers were itching to touch him.

I fought the urge.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, yanking away from him and immediately missing his warmth.

“I was going in for a workout.”

I looked him up and down. He was still as muscular as ever, but he somehow seemed smaller. “You look thinner.”

“So do you,” Aric said, running his eyes over me. “You look good.”

“Are you saying I was fat before?” I asked, narrowing my eyes.

“No,” Aric said, his face unreadable. “I’m saying you look good now. You looked good then, too. You always look good.”

So did he. “Well, thanks,” I said, averting my gaze from his. I couldn’t bear to look into those eyes.

Aric took a step back. “What are you doing here?”

“I was working out,” I lied. “How do you think I got my new body?”

“I think you’ve been training with the Academy,” Aric said pointedly.

“What makes you think that?”

“Don’t, Zoe,” he said. “I know what’s going on with the Academy. I’ve always known. I know you’re a full-fledged member now.”

That was only partially true. “I’ve joined them,” I said. “Kind of.”

Aric arched an eyebrow. “Kind of?”

“I do what I want, when I want,” I said. “I don’t do anything I’m not comfortable with.”

“They let you make your own rules?”

“I only agreed to help if that was the case,” I said.

Aric rubbed his hand over his stubbly jaw, his expression thoughtful. “You don’t trust them, do you?”

“I’m having a hard time trusting anyone these days,” I said. “I only trust myself.”

“Zoe, you need to let me explain what happened,” Aric said. “You need to hear it from me.”

“Are you going to somehow explain away what you did?” I asked. “Is there some way you can make what happened right?”

“Can I make it right? No. Can I make it better? Maybe.”

“Laura is dead,” I said. “I killed her.”

Aric shook his head, reaching a hand out to me before slowly drawing it back when he read the guilt on my face. “No. Sweetie, you didn’t kill Laura. You protected yourself. Something inside of you protected not only yourself, but everyone else, too. You can’t blame yourself for what happened.”

“I don’t blame myself,” I said. “I blame you.”

Aric flinched.

“Did you ever consider, even for a second, that if you’d told me the truth we could have done something to save Laura?” I was angry – so angry it literally hurt. Pain was throbbing in my chest. It was always there when the subject of Laura was broached.

“Saving Laura wasn’t my goal,” Aric said. “Saving you was. I knew I couldn’t save everyone, so I focused on saving you.”

“You knew it was her all along!” I exploded.

“I didn’t know all along,” Aric hissed. “I found out. I didn’t always know. You have to know that I didn’t always know.”

“You found out and you didn’t tell me,” I said.

“I couldn’t tell you.”

“Because of your fraternity bullshit,” I said. “You couldn’t tell me because of your fraternity bullshit, and that hurts just as much as Laura’s death.”

“Not because of the fraternity,” Aric countered. “I couldn’t tell you because of the pack. There’s a difference.”

“Not to me.”

“Don’t you think I wanted to tell you?” Aric’s face was tortured.

“I don’t know. Did you? You had a hundred different opportunities. You listened to me tell you how worried I was about Laura and Matilda for months. You just sat there.”

“I didn’t always know,” Aric said. “I found out, and when I found out, I did what I thought was best to keep you safe. I had no way of knowing how things would play out.”

“When did you find out?” I was putting him on the spot.

“A few weeks before it happened,” Aric said.

“How long is a few weeks?”

Aric rolled his head, cracking his neck. “A few.”

“You’re still lying,” I said.

“I’m not lying,” Aric said, his face grim. “A time frame isn’t going to make this better.”

“What is going to make this better, Aric?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “I just know I need to fix this. I need to fix this and make it right.”

“You can never make this right,” I said. “Laura is dead. She’s not coming back.”

“I still need to try and fix this,” Aric said. “I need … you.”

His words tugged at my heart, but I knew more than I was letting on, too. “Aren’t you with someone else now?”

Aric stiffened. “What makes you say that?”

“There’s a tall girl, reddish-blonde hair, and legs up to her neck,” I said. “She’s with you, right?”

“Caitlyn?”

“Is that her name?”

“Why are you asking about her?”

“You were with her last night.”

Aric’s face was immovable. “How do you know that?”

I saw no sense in lying. “Because I was in your parking lot last night when she left your apartment.”

“Why?”

“What does that matter? You were with her. I saw you together.”

“Why were you there?”

I shook my head, pressing my lips together to keep the tears from falling. “I was out for a walk.”

“And you found yourself at my apartment? That seems … like a weird coincidence.” Aric’s chest was heaving. “Tell me why you were there. Really.”

I felt the urge to hurt him, just like he’d hurt me. “I was testing Rafael,” I said. “He keeps following me. It bugs me. He promised to stop doing it, so I walked to your place to see if he was telling the truth. I figured there was no way he would stay hidden if he saw me go there.”

Aric tilted his head, considering my words. “I think you’re lying.”

“I’m not the liar here,” I said. “I’m the one who told you everything. You’re the one who repaid my trust with … heartbreak.”

A small sound escaped from the back of Aric’s throat. It was halfway between a growl and a sob. “Do you think you’re the only one with a broken heart here?”

“I think you’re the one who did it,” I spat. “I also think you’re the one who moved on awfully quickly from his broken heart.”

“What about Rafael?” Aric sneered. “You spent the summer with him.”

Actually, I’d spent the summer with him hiding in the woods behind my house. He’d been present, but not in the same way Caitlyn was for him. “Rafael is none of your concern.”

“Then I guess Caitlyn is none of yours.”

His words hurt. He’d meant for them to. “I guess not.” My voice cracked, and I knew he heard the tremulous tone. The pity on his face made me feel pathetic.

“Zoe … .”

I squared my shoulders, trying to tamp down my anguish. “I have to go.”

“Don’t.”

“I have to. There’s nothing here to say. We’re just going to keep hurting each other and I … I just can’t.”

I turned, but his hand shot out, gripping my arm and whipping me back around. “Damn you,” he mumbled, pulling me toward him and pressing his lips against mine.

I fought the kiss at first, my hands pushing against his chest. When he didn’t move his mouth from mine, I sank into it. Warmth rushed over me as his arms moved around my back, holding me close. Yearning and need captured us for a few moments, like a tidal wave neither of us could push back.

I don’t know who broke the kiss first, but when our lips separated the cold of the night and my memories washed over me. I pulled away from him, wiping the tears from my eyes. “Things haven’t changed.”

He looked lost. “I know.”

“You’re still lying to me.”

“I … .”

“You have to let me go,” I sobbed. “You can’t be what I need you to be. I can’t be what you need me to be.”

“Zoe, I wasn’t lying when I said I loved you,” Aric said, his voice hollow. “I wasn’t lying when I said I wanted you to be safe.”

I wanted to ask him about his conversation with Will, but being in close proximity to him for even a second longer would ravage my already shredded heart. “And I wasn’t lying when I said I needed honesty.”

“Be careful,” Aric said. “Please … just … be careful.”

“You know me,” I said. “I’m always careful.”

This time, when I turned away, Aric didn’t stop me. He didn’t follow, and I didn’t look over my shoulder to see if he was watching my anguished retreat. It hurt. It hurt too much. I just wanted to go home and go to bed.

I hate this place. I really and truly hate this place.