52 Steps to Murder (15 page)

After a good laugh, the two of us trudged up the steps to think of Plan B.

A few minutes later Lou broke the silence.

“Where else can it be, Cy?”

“My guess is under the house. How about if we buy two shovels and dig in the back yard? I’d say in a few weeks we’ll find it.”

“Do you think we might get there sooner if we start in China?”

“I’ll start here. You start in China, and I’ll meet you in the tunnel.”

“I can see it now. ‘Two detectives die as tunnel caves in. Only their candy could be saved.’”

“Maybe that’s a premonition. Maybe God is trying to tell us to eat all of our candy before it’s too late. What about it, Lou? Any ideas?”

“I don’t know, Cy. We can always try the passageway again. Maybe there’s one we didn’t find before.”

Both of us stood up. We failed to display the exhilaration we exhibited when we headed to the basement. I walked over to the pantry, twisted the jar of olives. The wall slid away.

“Oh, what I would have given to have had a house like this to play hide-and-seek in when I was a boy.”

“Can you imagine what it would have been like if you’d had a tunnel, too?”

“How sad that we grew up in abject poverty. Not only couldn’t we afford a tunnel, we couldn’t afford any hidden passageways. Imagine having had passageways and tunnels when we were sent to our rooms? We could have sneaked over to a friend’s house; our parents would have never known. And what if I had given my first true love her first kiss in my very own tunnel of love. It’s too depressing to think about. After you, Lou.”

Lou removed his package of M&Ms to take another  guzzle.  After he chugged a few, he almost dropped them as he tried to put them back into his pocket. He stumbled, fell, and landed on the first step with a thud.

“Ppptthhtt,” he said as he spit cobwebs and M&Ms in several directions.

I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Lou tried to brace himself in order to lift his hefty body to a standing position. He placed his right hand on the bottom step, only it slipped and mashed his knuckles against the back of the step. The sergeant tried to sit up, so he wrapped his fingers around the back of the bottom step.

“Hey, Cy! Something’s here!”

“So this is where they hid the gold coins.”

“I’m not kidding, Cy. There’s some kind of control box with two buttons.”

“Well, push one of them, Lou. If it’s time for you to go, I want to go with you.”

Lou leaned over the step. It was a tight squeeze, but he managed to push a button. Nothing happened.

“I pushed one, Cy. Nothing happened.”

“I can see that nothing happened. Push it again, Lou.”

Again nothing happened.

“Maybe it’s one of those time-release explosive devices that gives us time enough to get out of the house before it implodes into the tunnel below. Push the other button, Lou. I’d rather go now than face those steps again.”

Lou pushed the second button. The wall I didn’t realize I had been leaning against slid away and I discovered that stout men can fly under certain circumstances. I also realized that all I’d been taught in school about the law of gravity was true, and while it seemed painful in school, it seemed much more painful in real life.

20

Before I had finished my downward trek, I experienced the human version of an eight-rail bank shot, although the word “cushion” was not a part of the experience. The side of my face, which included my left ear, hit and bounced off the first “rail” of rough concrete bouncing me just enough that my right shoulder took the brunt of the blow of the second “rail.” All this time my upper, middle, and lower back registered the protrusion of the edge of each wooden step, as if I were descending a rollercoaster track without a car. Finally, I ran out of real estate as my right shoulder thudded against a wall or door and I came to an abrupt stop.

I lay there pondering how I might deal with paralysis. Then it dawned on me that everything hurt, so I couldn’t be paralyzed. I groaned, but the groaning didn’t ease the pain.

Above me I heard a noise that sounded like a berserk sergeant trying to get to his feet. Then I saw a column of light, and I waited to see if an angel was about to say, “Fear not.” When this didn’t happen, I realized the light was coming from the flashlight of a sergeant who was trying to think of something intelligent to say.

“Are you all right, Cy?”

It was then that I knew that the sergeant had decided to speak before he could think of something intelligent to say.

I decided to answer him with a slightly more intelligent remark.

“Is that you, Jill?”

In the best falsetto voice he could muster, Lou replied, “Yes, Jack, but with the way women’s rights are in today’s society, I no longer have to come tumbling after you.”

Listening to his voice I was sure that my friend made the right choice when he didn’t consider an acting career.

“I’m very much grateful for that. While I’m lying here in much pain, it would hurt me even more to think of what it would be like if you came tumbling down on top of me.”

“My guess is that if my rotundness landed on your rotundness I would bounce back to the top, but I have no inclination to find out if I’m right.”

I continued to lie with my head much lower than my feet, and I continued to groan in pain. It was not a position of choice. After a few seconds of silence from both ends of the stairs, I declared my revelation.     

“If this is heaven, Lou, it doesn’t look anything like I expected.”

“Maybe you didn’t go to heaven, Cy. Remember, you went down, not up.”

I didn’t feel like forcing a grin. My friend wouldn’t be able to see it if I had.

“It’s not hot enough to be the other place.”

Lou shined the light down the steps and gingerly walked down to where I was lying at the bottom.

“Are you okay, Cy?”

“I think you already asked that, Lou, or is it that my throbbing head makes me think you did. I’ve had better days, but I don’t think I broke anything. Good thing I ate all that bacon.”

“Since you’re not in any position to see anything, Cy, let me fill you in. All we’ve found is a bunch of steps that lead down to a wall at the bottom.”

“Maybe the other button moves the wall out of the way, Lou. Why don’t you give it a try, but before you do, help me to my feet. I’m going up there and I’m not leaning against anything until you get through pushing those buttons. I’ve already had one trip too many today.”

Lou moved my feet to one side and plopped down on the steps just above my feet. He tried to find the easiest way to help me sit up. There was no easy way. What made it harder was that he’d have to do all the helping. Every part of my body ached. I wasn’t in any position to get up by myself. My feet were well above my head. Lou tried two or three maneuvers that didn’t work.

As the two of us struggled to help me to a sitting position, Laurel and Hardy couldn’t have been more proud of us than if the classic comedy duo had planned this charade. Because nothing else worked, Lou stood up and made his way down the remaining steps. He hoped to move me somewhat. I’d already been moved too much. He struggled to get between me and the bottom wall and push me to a sitting position.

“I’m already in pain, Lou. You don’t have to make it any worse.”

“Sorry, Cy. Maybe you should grip one of the steps and pull yourself up.”

“Maybe you should build and attach a handrail and I can get up that way. By the way, are we allowed to sue a dead person?”

“I’m not sure. I don’t think Mrs. Nelson would contest it in court.”

After nothing else worked, Lou braced himself against my back. He leaned over and maneuvered my legs so that eventually they would be against the other wall. He hoped it would help me to sit up. The pain of each slight movement assured me that I still wasn’t paralyzed. After many trials and almost as many errors, the two of us managed to get me into a sitting position.

I sat there for a few minutes. Each pain caused me to dream of retirement. Then, I realized that I would be home more if I retired. This meant that I would be in a much closer proximity to Heloise Humphert. That thought alone was enough to get me to my feet.

Lou and I slowly climbed to the top of the once hidden flight of stairs and stepped out into the kitchen where the light was sufficient for us to see. I climbed more gingerly than he, although both of us had taken a tumble.

Once there, we tried to rid ourselves of the invisible cobwebs, as well as those that covered our bodies. Each of us looked at the other, and we began to laugh.

“In what round did you get knocked out, Cy?”

“Well, you should look at yourself. Your hand is bleeding, you’ve got a scratch on your face, and I think that eye’s going to be changing colors on you.”

Both of us wanted to see which of us looked worse, but neither of us felt like walking to a mirror to find out. After we sat for a few minutes, I grimaced as I rose to my feet.

“I know that button isn’t going anywhere, Lou, but what say you go press that other button and see what happens.”

Lou went over, lowered his body to the bottom step. Carefully, he reached over and pushed the button on the left while I shined my flashlight down the steps.

“That did it, Lou! The wall slid away and there’s a door behind it. Push it one more time and see what happens.”

Lou pushed the button a second time and the wall lid back into place, once again covering the door. When I let him know what happened, Lou hit the button a third time. The sergeant stood up, gazed down the steps.

“As far as I can tell, there’s a sliding bolt just like on the front door. Is that the way it looks to you, Cy?”

“Yeah, only to me it looks like at least two doors and two bolts.”

“Well, Cy, are you up to going down and seeing what we can find, or should we call in someone else?”

“It’s our discovery, Lou. What say you and I tackle it?”

“I’m game if you are. Carry on, my good friend.”

I crept down the stairs at a much slower pace than the time before. There was no railing. I braced my left hand against the rock wall, held the flashlight in my right, and carefully walked down the steps. As if it mattered at that point, I tried my best to make sure I didn’t scrape my hand against the harsh surface. The narrow stairway didn’t permit two men to walk down the steps side-by-side. Especially, Lou and me. So, Lou lingered a couple of steps behind me.

The steps went almost all the way to the door. That meant that the door opened out, since there wasn’t enough room for it to open into the passageway. I noticed a sliding bolt, but it was unlocked. I reached for the doorknob with my left hand.

“Ready?” I asked my friend.

Lou nodded.

21

I slowly turned the doorknob, cautiously opened the door. As I did, my nose detected a musty dampness, as well as the smell of dirt. I shined my flashlight through the opening and discovered another flight of steps that led down to a dirt floor. From what I could tell, we had finally reached the tunnel, the cavernous open spaces below Hilltop Place.

I nodded to Lou, eased down the first step. I’d gotten to the second step when I heard a loud and piercing scream. The scream so unnerved me that not only did I drop my flashlight, but I slid feet first down another flight of steps. Once again, my back scraped against the edge of each step, and I landed with a thud on the dirt floor. The only difference was this time I went down feet first. Flying dust caused me to sneeze, but that was the least of my problems. Because I landed in a sitting position instead of face down, I scrambled to my feet and tried to find the flashlight that went dark when I dropped it.

Another shriek interrupted my quest. I abandoned my search for the flashlight and climbed the steps as quickly as I could. I almost made it. I was most of the way up the steps when I felt the attacker lash out and grab my ankle. I screamed, then cried out frantically. “Something’s got me, Lou!”

Lou came down a step or two and pulled on my arm. He struggled against the force that pulled me downward. I began  to  resemble  salt-water  taffy without any elasticity, or the center of a tug-of-war with much greater consequences for the object in the middle. The only source of light came from the kitchen one flight up or a missing flashlight somewhere most of a flight below. I couldn’t tell whether my enemy was man or beast. The scream didn’t resemble either.

Lou tried to wrap his arms around my chest. That didn’t work, so he tried to pull me up by both arms. Even though it wasn’t working, he held on with both hands in order to stay even with our enemy. Lou dared not risk letting go with one hand in order to remove his flashlight from his pocket. Frantically, I tried everything I could to dislodge myself from my attacker. I kicked and tried to free myself, but whoever or whatever it was had a mighty grip. Lou continued to pull. He knew the two of us might be fighting for our lives.

Finally, I fell forward and landed on Lou. At the same time my assailant fell back down the steps clutching one of my shoes. My unexpected lunge knocked Lou back against the steps. He hollered in pain as his back hit against the sharp edge of the step. Lou tried to push me off him without pushing me back down the steps. We needed to stand up, pull our legs inside, so we could get up and shut the door. Lou finally succeeded in wiggling out from under me. The sergeant stood up and groped in the dark until he found the door. As he started to slam it, he heard something or someone rushing up the steps, just as I struggled to my feet.

“Quick, Cy, I’ll hold the door.”

I fumbled until I found the bolt. Just as I located it and tried to slide it, the door lunged open, and we braced ourselves to keep from tumbling down the steps, and landing on our assailant. If that had happened, I doubt if our adversary would’ve caused any more problems. Lou looked like he was about to lose his footing, so I forgot about the bolt and grabbed for  my  friend  in  order  to  keep  him  from  falling. Luckily, I grasped my friend’s belt and held on to him. The force of the opening door banged against our assailant and we heard someone or something tumble down the steps and land with a thud. Once again, we hurried to secure the door. This time we were both on our feet and our assailant was probably on its or his back. We had an advantage.