Authors: Abigail Collins
But who also saved my father, and promised to keep the rest of my family alive and bring them to me as soon as they can. Rin let Holden die for the sake of saving me, but she also let my father live as a human even though she had no reason to.
I don’t think I’ve ever been more confused in my life.
But there’s one thing that I
do
know, and that is that I do not want to become a Digit. My mother warned me in her letter about them, and did everything she could to prevent them from recruiting me. And for some reason, she ran away from Division 4, and because of that I still can’t find it in me to trust them.
“Have you made your decision?”
I am not allowed outside of this building. Rin tells me that it’s for my own safety, but I know it’s because they think I’ll run away the second I get the opportunity to. And it’s not wrong.
“Do you want me to… be honest?” I ask, panting to catch my breath and wiping moisture from my cheeks; today’s simulation showed me the loss of my best friend and her parents, and gauged my reaction to it. “Or would you rather… I tell you what I know you want to hear?”
My father shakes his head slowly and helps me out of the sim chamber, pulling one of my arms over his shoulders to support me on my trembling legs.
“I want you to tell me what you’re thinking. Your mother never did, and her betrayal still hurts me.”
I try to ignore the bitterness in his words, but it sticks inside of my head and echoes. He stops and holds the door open for me, and I have to hold the frame to pull myself outside. I’ve been noticing more and more lately how much the simulations affect my mood and my body; yesterday I was reunited with all of my lost family members and friends, and my skin tingled with so much joy that I had no problem making my way out of the room and down the two flights of stairs to my bedroom. But today, I am achy and tired, and filled with so much sadness that I can’t even conjure a happy memory to distract myself.
“My mother… She did what she thought was best.” I push past the door and stumble out into the hallway; my father catches me just before I fall and helps me steady myself against his shoulder. “And I know that Rin thinks it’s best for everyone if I just let them…
dissect
me or probe my brain or whatever it is they plan on doing, but I don’t… I just don’t think it’s a good idea. I don’t want to do it.”
He hums and opens another door for me, helping me across and holding the handrail as we make our way slowly down the stairs.
“But think of all the people you’ll be helping,” he says.
“All the
Digits
, you mean. Because if Rin and the others find out exactly… exactly
why
my brain is working the way it is, they’re going to clone it a thousand times over. If that happens, the human race will eventually… cease to exist, and the Digits will live forever.”
“You say that like it’s a terrible thing, but think about what it really means.” I cough, and we stop in the middle of the flight of stairs so that I can catch my breath. “They’re going to be just like humans – they’ll be able to think and feel the same way
you
can. But they will live infinitely longer, so they won’t have to watch their loved ones suffer or… or die.”
I barely catch his fumble, but his grip on my arm changes, and I know he’s thinking about my mother. I wonder if he still loves her, even after finding out what she was hiding from him. I wonder if he ever
really
loved her, the way he talks about her betrayal like she’s his enemy.
The railing digs into my ribs, and I lean against it to take some of my weight off of my unsteady legs. “Papa,” I say, the word still tasting foreign on my tongue after all this time. “My friend, Dori… They turned him into one of them. They
controlled
him, made him murder someone he used to love… If the rest of the world is going to become like that, I don’t want it to be because of me.
Please
, you have to understand that.”
“I do. Believe me, I know exactly what you’re going through. But you need to try and think beyond
yourself
for this. Imagine a world without pain, or hatred, or suffering–”
“ – or love, compassion,
empathy
,” I cut him off, feeling suddenly defensive of my beliefs against my own father. “Their senses are all artificial. They don’t know what it feels like to hold someone’s hand, to feel protective of someone else… When Mama died… it
hurt
. And that’s how I knew how much she meant to me. But when Dori killed Holden, I could see it in his eyes – he didn’t feel
anything
.”
We turn down a short hallway and the start of a second flight of stairs.
“That’s just Division 6, Everly. They’re training those people to be mindless soldiers, and that’s why your friend acted the way he did. But Division 4 is different. They don’t want to control anyone, they just want to
help
.”
“And what about the other Divisions? What do they think about Rin’s idea?”
My father shakes his head slowly; I don’t look up at him, but I can feel the movement against my shoulder. The other Divisions don’t know about this plan; they don’t know about
me
. Even if Rin could somehow convince just
half
of them that it’s a good idea, there are still going to be more than enough – people and Digits combined – left to oppose her. And Division 6 is going to be one of them.
“There’s going to be a war, Papa. You know that. The humans aren’t going to be very complacent being told their species is going extinct, and I
know
there are more than a few Digits out there who won’t like the idea of free will for everyone.”
“War is inevitable regardless.
You
know that.”
“No,” I say, trying to hold back my anger. “Not if we try hard enough to stop it. Division 6 wants to attack because they know that my mother ran away from Division 4, and they want me back so they can figure out why. If I just
talk
to them, explain what’s going on and tell them that a war isn’t necessary – ”
“ – you’ll be killed on the spot, and our technology will be used against us,” he cuts me off bitterly. “You can’t just
talk
your way out of a war. Your mother tried, and look where it got her.”
My heart is beating so quickly it’s making me feel dizzy again. I press my weight against the railing, letting the pain in my side distract me from the anger building in my chest. He’s not making any sense; these aren’t things that my father would say. It almost sounds like…
I suck in a breath that rattles in my lungs and ask, “Did you ever
really
love my mother?”
The look on his face is enough of an answer, but he says it anyway.
“I did, before I found out who she really was. Through our whole life together, she never told me that her real name wasn’t Teresa, or that she wasn’t born in Division 6. I didn’t know that she was a criminal. If I had known the experiments she was involved in, and what she made you into…”
“But she regretted it, didn’t she? That’s why she left. I think she knew that what they were planning on doing to me wasn’t right. I think she was trying to save me from the kind of life she had.”
He pauses a couple of steps up from the doorway. “She shouldn’t have,” he says, and I shiver at his tone. “I never understood why she resented the Digits the way she did. Especially now that I’ve come to Division 4 and learned that they aren’t all as bad as they seem. In 6, they’re brutal and emotionless, but not all of them are that way. Here, all they want is peace and freedom. They
saved
you from the people who were going to turn you into a war machine, or dissect you for information on Division 4. You owe them your loyalty.”
“I’m sorry,” I say softly as we continue walking, down the remaining stairs and out the door into the hallway that leads to my bedroom. “I can’t give them that. I would rather live a short, human life than an immortal one as somebody’s puppet. Until Rin can tell me for certain the reason my mother left this place, I can’t trust her not to betray me.”
We walk in silence for a moment, my father’s arm wound tightly around my back even though I’m feeling stable enough to walk on my own now. I think I see his lips twitch into a smile at their corners for a moment, but he won’t look at me. I wish I knew what he was thinking. After all of those years of him being such a wonderful, doting father, I am not used to seeing him acting so guarded around me.
It doesn’t fully hit me until that moment that he isn’t really my father. We aren’t related – we never were. He may have raised me, but I was conceived in Division 4 by my mother and a man whose identity I may never know. He has no reason to treat me like his daughter now that he knows the truth, but he’s still holding me up, and he feels as warm and comforting as I remember.
I wish the Digits had never intruded on our lives. Whoever killed my mother also destroyed my family; my brother is miles away and maybe –
hopefully
– still alive, and my father is resentful towards the only woman he’s ever loved.
Maybe if I was a Digit, I wouldn’t be able to feel this kind of pain. But would I really trade that for the happy memories I use to keep my nightmares at bay? Feeling my father’s arm around me, his warmth radiating along my spine, makes me realize exactly how much I would be missing.
“I can’t do it,” I whisper, more to myself than to him. “I can’t do what Rin wants me to. I’m so sorry, but I
can’t
. I don’t want anything else to change because of me. I don’t want anyone else getting hurt.”
We reach my room, and my father lets go of me to open the door. He pulls something out of his pocket, but I only see a glint of silver before his hand has hidden it.
“Like mother, like daughter, right?” he says, and I know from how he feels about my mother now that it isn’t a compliment. “You know that’s not the answer I wanted to hear.”
I am halfway inside of the doorway when I feel him push me from behind, just hard enough to pitch me forward into the room. The door slams shut behind me, and I hear a metallic click coming from the other side of its handle.
I know before I attempt to turn it that it is locked, and my father – who isn’t really my father – has the key.
Chapter thirty-one
I bang on the door, twist the handle as hard as I can, and scream until my throat gets hoarse. I can hear my father’s footsteps as he walks away, but I can’t stop pleading with him, yelling for somebody,
anybody
to let me out. The room that had once felt like a spacious hotel suit now feels more like a prison cell.
I can’t help but think that this is like my experience at Division 6 all over again. Here, the torture chambers have been painted pastel colors and decorated like bedrooms, but their purpose is the same. And though their goals may be different, I think that Divisions 4 and 6 are more alike than they’d care to admit; they are both using humans as tools to achieve their objectives, each holding the view that their own race is superior.
They are too busy trying to create the perfect being that they haven’t even noticed the damage they’ve done in the process.
Is it better to be numb and never have to feel pain, or to have just enough of an emotional range to miss the feelings you can no longer have? I wouldn’t choose either option, and I’ve decided not to take sides in this war. I am a human, and that’s all I want to be.
The only problem is, I’m surrounded on all sides by people who want to change me into something else.
I look around me, trying to figure out what I should do next. Even if I could find something small enough to fit into the locking mechanism on the door, I wouldn’t know how to pick it, and one shove of my shoulder into the thick panel of wood tells me that I have no chance of breaking the door down.