A Beat in Time (9 page)

“Making you an omelet.”

I walked over to him and stood looking over the pan on the stove. “It smells delicious.”

“I made you coffee, too.”

“That is so sweet. You don’t have to wait on me, Jensen. I think you’ll find that I’m going to spoil you, too.”

“Well, if it involves back and foot rubs, I’m all in.”

“That and so much more.” I wrapped my arms around his neck. “I’ll blow you and swallow.”

“Is it Christmas?” Jensen joked.

“No. I just know what you like. Me, on all fours, ass high in the air as you pound me from behind.”

  Jensen shuddered and I kissed him. He pushed me against the counter and then lifted me up, setting me on the granite. I wrapped my legs around his waist and pushed into him. We broke from the kiss several minutes later, both of us gasping for air.

“Holy shit,” Jensen rasped.

“It can be like this every day, Jensen. Will we fight? Probably. You snore.”

“You snore too,” Jensen laughed.

“Good, then that won’t be a problem.”

“What about when I go on tours?”

“I’ll go with you if you want. All I need is my laptop and an internet connection.” I searched his eyes. “What is it?”

“Is this real?”

“Yes. Are you that afraid to be happy? Do I make you happy?”

“Fuck, yes.”

“Then it will work itself out.”

  Jensen went back to Tucson to visit his family and I finished up my gay male romance novel. I worked more on the outline for the hetero book and started to fret, chewing on the end of my pencil. How weird would it be for me to use myself and Jensen in a romance novel? How many people would actually read it? My readers were loyal to the core because I gave them what they wanted. A monogamous relationship; no threesomes, no BDSM, and a mate for life. I gave them the fantasy all women want. Someone to love us and take the good with the bad. Didn’t matter that it was two men I was writing about, everyone that read my books saw two human beings falling in love. My phone pinged and I looked at the caller I.D. My mom was calling.

“Hey, Mom!”

“Allo, Poulette.”

Okay, us French people have some weird nicknames. Poulette means little chicken. I couldn’t seem to be offended by it since it came from my mother. Better than little onion, I guess.

“How are you?” I asked.

“I am well. Your brother is coming to visit.”

“Did you lock up the guns and ammo?” I chuckled.

My brother was an army major as well as a doctor. When he drank too much, he liked blowing shit up. Between me and my sister Marisol, I was the only one he could turn into a tomboy, which he did effectively. I played with GI JOE instead of Barbie. Well, that wasn’t exactly true. We cut Barbie’s hair and she got into a lot of accidents in her Barbie Car. Mostly flying off the cliffs in Sabino Canyon. We also hung my sister’s Cabbage Patch Doll from the chandelier, but that was another story.

“I did. Will you come stay?”

“I can be there tomorrow.”

“He is bringing your new niece. I am making chimichangas.”

My mouth watered at those words and I smiled.

“Thanks, Mom.”

“I will see you soon. I love you!”

“Love you too.” I hung up and stared at my phone. It occurred to me that I hadn’t heard from Jensen for a day. Like I was in high school, I was the same way now. I wasn’t needy, but a text to let me know he’d arrived would’ve been nice. I texted him and then concentrated on the outline. By the time midnight rolled around, I was exhausted and really worried about Jensen. He still hadn’t texted me back. I dialed his cell phone and waited. He picked up on the sixth ring, sounding winded.

“Hey. I was worried about you,” I said.

“Oh, I’m fine.”

“Jensen? Why do you sound like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like you just ran a marathon and are hiding in a cave.”

“I…it’s complicated.”

My gut sank and I knew immediately what had happened. I steeled myself and took a deep breath.

“I’m coming into town tomorrow, I’m going to visit my mom. Can you meet me by the stoner wall at the high school?”

“Um, what time?”

“Noon.”

“Um, okay, sure.”

“Night, Jensen.”

I hung up before he could respond. Whatever we had for those few days was over.

I was sure of it.

~*~

I stood by the stoner wall right next to the high school as I waited for Jensen. Grey clouds were forming in the sky and the wind began to pick up. I ran my hand across the concrete wall with a smile. We would sit here every morning and hang out, just holding hands and kissing before school started. God, how simple things were back then. Jensen parked right behind me and jumped out of his car. He looked around and then his eyes met mine.

“Why are we here?”

“Fitting it should end where it began.”

“Serena…”

“Jesus, just say it, Jensen!”

“Look, I want you to know that I do care about you and I was really going to try and make this work. Noelle came to see me and she told me she loves me, Serena. She really wants to try and work things out. I have to at least try.” Jensen bit his lip. “We’re getting married.”

“Why? Did I not make you happy? Did we not have a good time? What the hell are you afraid of, Jensen?!”

“I don’t want to be alone! Noelle knows all my shit and she doesn’t care!”

“I don’t give a fuck either! God!” I looked up at the heavens as they opened up, soaking me and Jensen in seconds. “Why can’t you just trust in us? You will never be alone with me, don’t you get that?”

“Look at me! I’m fucked up, Serena.”

“I want you no matter how fucked up you are! I don’t want to change you either, that’s what love is, Jensen! It’s loving the other person for who they are, not what you want them to be! Do you hear me? I love you. All these years, I have looked for you in everyone I’ve ever been with. I never found you. Now I’m standing here in the pouring rain asking you to take a chance on us.”

  Jensen sighed and looked to the side, gripping his hands together.

“Thank you,” he said, quietly.

My jaw dropped open in surprise. “Thank you?”

“Yes. That means so much to me.”

“
That means so much to you?
”

“What do you want me to say?”

“Please, Jensen. Don’t marry her. I said I would never beg someone not to leave me again, but I’m doing it now. Don’t make the same mistake twice.”

“I…I can’t, Serena.”

I exhaled and balled my fists. “Tell me you’ve never thought of me, not once in all this time.”

“I can’t say that.”

“Tell me you haven’t, Jensen!” I shouted. “Let me go. You can’t have your cake and eat it too! I am no one’s secret or second choice, and I’ll be dammed if I change that now. It is all or nothing with me. Do you understand? You walk away from me now and I’m done.”

  Jensen seemed to be fighting an inner battle. The rain and wind became torrential and I dropped my head with a sigh.

“Goodbye, Jensen.”

Lightning streaked across the sky and thunder rolled in seconds later. I hopped into my Jeep and fired it up, leaving vapors behind me. I looked in the rear view mirror to see Jensen still standing in the rain. I gripped the steering wheel as my emotions got the best of me. I hadn’t cried in a really long time and I tried to keep it together as I hopped on the freeway. I needed my mom, I needed a place to weather this storm. The one outside and the one inside of me. I wouldn’t let this change me this time. I had a career and a life and I’d be dammed if Jensen took that away from me again.

The storm outside seemed to mimic the one inside of me. I couldn’t get enough air and my nose was running. I pulled over and leaned my forehead against the steering wheel, letting it all out. Why? Why did I keep doing this to myself? Jensen seemed so lost, I wanted to be the one he confided in, the one he came home to every night. The one he woke up with and had coffee with. I just wanted Jensen Pratt. The bile rose in my throat and I jumped out of the Jeep just in time to lose the contents of my stomach on the side of the road. My whole body shook and I wrapped my arms around myself as I let the pain overtake me. I would let it in, and then I would let it go. I had to.

By the time I got to my mom’s, I was a snotty mess. I got out of the car and was enveloped in strong arms.

“Hey, Dorkus,” my brother whispered in my ear.

“Robbie?” I leaned back, wiping my eyes.

Robbie palmed my cheek and peered into my eyes. “Who hurt you?”

“Not tonight, please?” I pleaded.

“Clean your face.” Robbie pulled a tissue out of his pocket. I eyed it and lifted a brow. “I haven’t used it,” he assured me.

“Well, can’t blame me for thinking before I touch, right?”

“Nope.” Robbie grinned. “Come on.”

My family was in the sitting room when my brother and I walked in. My sister-in-law, Brit, walked over to me with my newest niece in her arms. I put my hands out and shook my head.

“Let me shower and put some dry clothes on before I touch her.”

“I’ve made coffee, Serena,” my mother chimed in.

“Good. I’m going to need it. I’m starting a book.”

“What’s this one? Butt pirates of the Caribbean?” Robbie winked.

“Yep. That’s the one.” I walked away with a laugh.

~*~

I leaned against the shower tiles and took a deep breath. Hot water cascaded over my back and shoulders as I tried to wipe my mind clean of what had just happened with Jensen. I had to stay true to my word. I couldn’t handle the back and forth.

My heart couldn’t take it.

I dried off and put my comfy pants and shirt on. I stared in the mirror as I combed my hair. My eyes were bloodshot and my nose was red.

“Serena?” my mother called from outside the door.

I opened it and she just stared at me. I must have looked like hell.

“Tell me,” my mother whispered. “You don’t always have to be strong, Serena.”

“Oh, Mom!” I broke down.

My mom took me to her room and closed the door. We sat on the bed and I laid my head in her lap as I told her everything. She didn’t speak, she just let me vent. I even told her about the first time Jensen broke my heart. My family knew of Jensen, they didn’t know what had happened between us. The day he broke up with me was burned into my memory. My coffee was cold by the time I was done, and my mom brushed the hair from my forehead.

“I agree with your godmother. You have to follow this through, Serena.”

“Is this some test to see how much I can take? I don’t think I can take anymore, Mom,” I whispered.

“True love means true heartache, Poulette. Jensen will come to you when he realizes that.”

“I’m not going to just sit around and wait for him,” I said stubbornly.

“I’m sure your brother and sister will have found you a man in a week.”

“I don’t want just any man, Mom.”

“I know. Get some sleep, I will tell your brother you need rest.”

“Good luck with that,” I snorted.

~*~

I watched the shadows on the ceiling of the guest room dance as the storm outside raged. Lightning lit up my room and I let out a strangled scream as a shadow stood in the doorway.

“Damn!” my brother covered his ears.

“Don’t do that!” I practically shouted at him.

My brother gave me his loopy grin and slid into bed with me. I snuggled into him and he held me.

“You okay, Dorkie?”

“Won’t Brit be missing you?” I snickered.

“You’re my sister. She knows we have a bond.”

“Yes, one made up of making bugs fight.”

“I still say that black widow could have taken that scorpion if we’d had a bigger jar.”

“Whatever,” I mumbled.

“We’ll talk in the morning.” Robbie kissed my forehead and climbed out of bed.

“Hey, Fruit Loop,” I whispered.

“Yeah?”

“Love you.”

“Back Atcha.”

~*~

My mom and I sat on the patio out back, sipping coffee and munching on toast with jam. The sun was already warming us and wildlife began to emerge. I really did love it at my mom’s house. Everything seemed so peaceful. It was like time stood still here. Maybe I wasn’t aging either. That would be awesome.

“So, did you buy a kiki mechanique?” my mom asked, breaking the silence.

“Mom! Really? Do we have to talk about vibrators this morning?”

“Maybe a dildo? What is the difference between a vibrator and a dildo?”

I hung my head and groaned loudly. The back door opened and my brother sauntered out, stretching his arms and yawning.

“A vibrator has batteries, Mom. A dildo doesn’t. Then there’s the clit tickler,” my brother explained.

“A clit tickler?” my mom asked.

“Yeah. Brit has one named Bob.” He glanced over at us with a grin.

“Your wife named her clit tickler Bob? How do you know this?” I asked like an idiot.

“Well, one night she thought I was asleep and I heard her shouting ‘Oh yes, Bob!’. Pissed me off thinking she had some other dude in bed with us.”

“On that note.” My mother stood up. “I will get us a coffee refill.”

“You asked, Ma.” My brother winked, taking the seat across from me. He eyed me closely and then lifted an inquisitive brow. “What’s got your grannies in a bunch this morning, dorkus?”

“How did you know you loved Brit?” I asked him.

My brother reclined on the chair and looked into the distance. A goofy look crossed his features and I had to smile.

“It had to have been the night we went out for Mexican. I tried so hard for an hour after that not to fart. You know how bad they are.”

I shook my head. I did know. The thought kept me up at night sometimes.

“But I just couldn’t hold it and finally, I let one loose. It was a silent one and I thought it might not smell. I was wrong. It was an SBD.”

“Silent but deadly.” I nodded. “Go on.”

“Brit’s nose wrinkled and for a second I thought she might pass out, but then she looked over at me and said ‘Damn, that was a 10 on the TBSS.’”

“TBSS?” I asked.

“Taco Bell smell scale,” my brother provided. “I could have killed a skunk with that one. I knew she was the one for me right then.”

“Anyone who can survive your gas is a keeper,” I agreed.

“If you can fart and shit in front of them, it’s going to last.”

“Fan on or off?”

“Both.”

I laughed.

“So why do you ask?” My brother leaned forward and folded his hands together. “Is there a special someone in your life?”

“It’s Jensen.”

I really didn’t need to say any more than that. My brother knew exactly who Jensen was because he was there when I went into a tailspin. His mouth opened, then closed, then opened again. I raised a hand and stopped him.

“I know what you’re going to say.”

“Do you?” He stood up. “I watched you the first time, Serena. I wanted to kill him then!”

“Robbie, it’s different now.
I’m
different.”

“Yeah? So where is he?”

I covered my face with my hands and exhaled loudly.

“He went back to his fiancé,” I mumbled.

“I’m sorry, what was that again?”

I glanced up to see Robbie with a hand to his ear.

“I could have sworn you mumbled he’s back with his fiancé.”

“I did, and before you start going all fucking crazy on me, let me tell you a few things.”

I filled my brother in on everything, from my first meeting with Jensen, to meeting his fiancé. I loved my brother, don’t get me wrong, but he could be scary as fuck when he got pissed. I brought him all the way up to speed and then waited for him to speak.

“Damn, he’s fucked in the head, isn’t he?” My brother flopped back into the chair with an exaggerated growl.

“He was happy, Robbie. I could tell. He smiled and laughed and talked about dating. Something happened when he went back to Tucson.”

“Look, I got a guy, really good friend of mine and a major in the army—”

“As sexy as that sounds? I’m not ready.” I shook my head.

“I have a colonel friend too.”

“Okay, listen up, Fruit Loop. When I’m ready to be with someone, I’ll let you contact those guys, all right?”

“Deal. In the meantime…” my brother waggled his brows.

“Oh hell. What did you bring?”

“Enough firepower for the zombie apocalypse. You in?”

“When am I not?”

~*~

I let out a whoop as my target exploded. Going to the firing range with my brother always helped me think. Was I weird that way? Probably. I had gowns and could clean up nicely, but put me out in the desert with my brother and I turned into GI Jane. My brother let out a shout as he fired at the ramshackle building a few yards away. Luckily, this firing range was mere miles from my mother’s house and a lot of people came out here to shoot.

I placed my now empty gun on the tailgate of his truck and opened a bottle of water. My brother emptied the entire magazine from his automatic weapon and came to stand next to me. I handed him a bottle of water and he waved it off, grabbing a beer from the cooler.

“So now what?” he asked.

“What?”

“Are you going to fight for this guy?”

“I don’t know. I have to talk to Tata Ann Marie first. I walked away from him and told him I was done. I should stand by that, don’t you think?”

My brother’s brows furrowed and his nose wrinkled, which meant he was about to get serious on me.

“Look, Serena, if you love this man, and you think he loves you too, shouldn’t you fight for him?”

“Using what? My charm?” I snorted. “I’m not like other women, Robbie. I’m independent—”

“You’re fiercely loyal, one hell of a shot, a great cook, and in sweat pants or an evening gown, the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”

I stared at my brother with my mouth hanging open. Even now, he still managed to surprise me.

“I’m so fucking proud of you. Look at us, the black sheep of the family, making a mark in this world.”

“I’m proud to be the black sheep. Dirt doesn’t show on us as much,” I chuckled.

“No shit, huh?” Robbie laughed. He sobered and cupped my cheek. “If he’s smart, he will come to you.”

“I don’t know if I want him. How can he hurt me so much?”

“I don’t know, Dorkus. But you had him first.”

I smiled.

Why yes, yes I had.