There’s no way I can work today and take care of the baby,
Katie thought as she peered out the kitchen window at the CLOSED sign she’d put on the door of the stamp shop early that morning. So far only Wayne had come by, and since the baby had been sleeping, she’d stepped onto the porch to speak with him. She hoped no one else would show up and worried that, if they did come to the shop and saw the CLOSED sign in the window, they might stop at the house. She couldn’t risk anyone else knowing about the baby.
Katie moved back to the stove, where she’d started heating some soup for lunch. She dipped the ladle into the kettle and stirred it around, then held her hand beneath the ladle and took a sip. It wasn’t quite warm enough, so she turned the gas burner up a bit. Freeman should be back from the store soon, and she figured he might want something to eat, since he’d given up his lunch hour to check on her.
The sound of a buggy approaching pulled Katie’s thoughts aside.
She peered out the window, but the sun’s glare prevented her from seeing who it was. She wiped her hands on her apron and moved over to the door. When she opened it, she was surprised to see Loraine getting out of her buggy.
Katie quickly shut and locked the door; then she rushed to the living room, where the baby lay in her basket. The last thing Katie needed was for Loraine to find out about the baby. She’d probably insist that Katie call the sheriff.
Katie stiffened when the doorknob rattled and Loraine called, “Katie, are you here?”
Tap! Tap! Tap!
The baby stirred restlessly and gave a pathetic whimper.
Please, don’t start crying.
Katie bent down and scooped the baby into her arms.
Shh ... Shh ...
She gently patted the baby’s back.
Loraine called Katie’s name once more; then Katie heard footsteps tromping down the steps.
She listened until she heard the whinny of a horse followed by hoofbeats.
Whew! She’s gone!
Katie placed the baby back in the basket and hurried to the kitchen. She peeked out the window and saw Loraine’s buggy moving down the driveway. Just then another buggy turned in.
Katie froze.
What if it’s Freeman? Can I trust him not to tell Loraine that I’m here and that there’s a baby with me?
Keeping to the right of the window so she wouldn’t be seen, Katie watched Eunice get out of her buggy and go around to Loraine’s buggy. They visited for several minutes; then Eunice got back in her buggy and drove off. Loraine’s rig pulled out behind her.
Katie gulped in some air. She hadn’t realized that she’d been holding her breath until her chest started to burn. Feeling the need for a cool drink, she grabbed a glass from the cupboard and turned on the faucet at the kitchen sink. She took a couple sips of water then held the glass against her hot cheek, wondering how much longer she could keep little Susan a secret.
***
Just before Loraine pulled onto the road, she turned in her seat and glanced over her shoulder. It seemed odd that Katie wasn’t at the stamp shop or in the house. She knew from what Katie’s mother had told her mamm that Katie hardly went anywhere by herself. With Katie’s folks gone, Loraine figured Katie would be working in the stamp shop most of the day.
Maybe Katie needed some things from one of our local Amish-run stores. Or maybe she hired a driver to take her shopping in Goshen.
Loraine flicked the reins to get the horse moving in the direction of home as she made a decision. Since tomorrow was an off-Sunday from church in their district, rather than visiting a neighboring church, as they often did, she would stop by and check on Katie again.
***
Freeman glanced at the sack full of baby things sitting on the floor of his buggy. He wondered if he was doing the right thing by keeping Katie’s secret. He knew they should notify the sheriff, but Katie had been extremely upset when he’d mentioned it earlier and he didn’t want to upset her any more. Maybe a day or two with the baby wouldn’t hurt. Katie had seemed calmer when she was holding the baby than he’d seen her in a good long while. Maybe what Katie needed was to find herself a man, get married, and have some babies of her own. There was no way she could keep the baby she’d found. The infant belonged to someone else and wasn’t Katie’s to keep.
As Freeman approached the Millers’ place, he spotted Eunice’s buggy on the other side of the road. When his buggy passed hers, she waved and motioned for him to pull over.
“Oh great,” Freeman mumbled. “I don’t need this right now.” He hoped whatever Eunice had to say wouldn’t take too long, because he needed to be on his way.
Freeman turned his horse and buggy around and stopped behind Eunice’s rig, which she’d pulled onto the shoulder of the road. Then he climbed down, tied his horse to a nearby post, and went around to see what she wanted.
“I stopped by your bike shop earlier, but you weren’t there,” Eunice said.
“I had some errands to run.”
“Are you on your way home now?”
“Uh—jah.” It wasn’t exactly a lie. He would be on his way home as soon as he delivered the baby things to Katie. Of course, he wasn’t about to tell Eunice that.
Eunice offered Freeman one of her most pleasant smiles. “I was wondering if you’d be free to come over to our place for supper again next week.”
He scratched the side of his head. “Uh, I’m not sure. Maybe.”
“Is there any particular night that would work best for you?”
“I don’t know. It’ll depend on how much work I have in the shop. Can I let you know?”
She nodded slowly. “I hope you can make it. I really enjoy spending time with you, Freeman.”
Freeman figured she was waiting for him to say that he enjoyed spending time with her, too, so he gave a quick nod and mumbled, “Same here.”
“Guess I’d better let you go so you can get back to your shop.” Eunice gathered up the reins. “See you soon.”
As she drove away, sweat beaded on Freeman’s forehead. Despite his feelings of attraction to Eunice, he didn’t care for her pushy ways. If he accepted her invitation to have supper with her again, he hoped she wouldn’t expect to make it a weekly event. If he did decide to start courting her, he wanted it to be his idea, not hers.
***
Katie swallowed down the last of her soup and put her bowl in the sink. She glanced out the window, hoping that Freeman would pull in soon, but there wasn’t a buggy in sight.
What could be taking him so long?
she fretted.
Did he change his mind about helping me?
She clutched the edge of the counter and frowned.
If Freeman doesn’t bring the things I need for the baby, it won’t be long before I’ll run out of formula and diapers. Then what’ll I do?
The baby started crying, and Katie hurried from the kitchen. She was halfway there when she heard hoofbeats coming up the driveway. She halted and tensed. How long could she keep hiding here in the house whenever a customer showed up at the stamp shop?
She rushed back to the kitchen and took a peek out the window. A feeling of relief washed over her when she saw Freeman climb down from his buggy.
She hurried back to the living room, picked up the crying baby, and opened the door for Freeman.
“Sorry it took me so long. I got waylaid talking to Eunice not far from here.” He held out a paper sack. “Where would you like me to put this?”
Katie motioned to the kitchen. “You can set it on the counter. As soon as I put the boppli down, I’ll get my purse and pay you for the things you bought.”
Freeman shook his head. “That’s okay. I’m not worried about it.”
“I had some soup earlier, and there’s still some on the stove,” she said. “At least let me feed you some lunch before you go.”
“I appreciate the offer, but I’ve been gone from my shop much longer than I planned to be, so I’d better go.” Freeman hurried into the kitchen to drop off the sack and returned a few seconds later. “Is it all right if I come back this evening to see how you’re doing?”
Katie gave a nod, already looking forward to his return.
As Freeman drove in his open buggy toward Katie’s that evening, a warm breeze blew against his face. He was awed by the way the rim of the sun spread rosy color across the sky like a drop of dye. Whenever he saw a pretty sunset like this, he felt closer to God. Not tonight, though. Because of the promise he’d made to keep Katie’s secret about the baby she’d found, he felt as if he’d erected a wall between him and God. He knew what he and Katie were doing was wrong, and he didn’t like being deceitful. Yet he didn’t feel that he could renege on the promise he’d made to her.
Maybe I can talk Katie into notifying the sheriff this evening,
Freeman thought as the Millers’ place came into view.
I need to convince her that it’s the best thing to do.
Freeman guided his horse up the driveway. As he pulled his rig up close to the Millers’ barn and climbed down, their old hound dog howled from his pen. Not knowing how long he’d be staying, Freeman led his horse to the corral and put him inside. After he’d shut the gate, he sprinted for the house.
He knocked several times before Katie answered the door.
“I—I wasn’t sure you’d come.” She nibbled on her lower lip. “You haven’t told anyone about the boppli, I hope.”
Freeman shook his head. He was about to suggest that Katie should call the sheriff, but the painful expression he saw on her face clutched at his heart and kept him from telling her what he thought.
Maybe later,
he thought.
“How’s the boppli?” he asked.
“Fine. She’s sleeping peacefully right now.” Katie pointed to a couple of wicker chairs on the other end of the porch. “Would you like to have a seat?”
He nodded and sat down. Katie took the seat beside him.
Freeman leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. “Can you tell me about the anxiety you feel whenever you think about traveling in a car or a horse and buggy?”
Katie’s hands shook as she fanned her flushed cheeks. “I don’t know how to put this into words, but I get these strange sensations sometimes. They come out of nowhere when I least expect them.” Her eyes glistened with tears. “I get so scared when I can’t make them stop.”
Freeman listened as Katie gave a detailed account of the sensations she experienced.
“The thing that scares me the most is when everything feels unreal and I have no control over what’s happening to me.” She dabbed at her tears.
“Have you told your folks about these feelings of unreality?” he asked.
Katie shook her head, discouragement and frustration clearly written on her face. “They know I’ve felt light-headed and shaky, but I haven’t told them about my other symptoms.” She sniffed. “I’m afraid if I tell Mom and Dad, they’ll think I’m going crazy.”
“Is that what you think, Katie?”
“I ... I’m not sure. Maybe.”
“You’re not crazy.”
“How do you know?”
“I believe what you’ve been having are anxiety attacks.” He shifted in his chair, trying to find a comfortable position. “Some people call ’em panic attacks.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s when a person gets a sudden attack of fear and nervousness, followed by some physical symptoms that could include sweating, a racing heart, nausea, trembling, dizziness, and a sensation of feeling as though nothing is real.”
A look of surprise flashed across Katie’s face, and she blinked a couple of times. “I’ve been having several of those symptoms.”
“Panic disorders affect more people than you might realize, and everyone’s symptoms aren’t always the same,” Freeman went on to say.
“Do ... do you know what causes a panic attack?”
Freeman nodded. “Stressful events and major changes in a person’s life are usually the cause, and panic attacks can hit a person at any time, anywhere.” He tapped his fingers along the arm of the chair. “Once a panic attack strikes, the person becomes afraid and often tries to avoid situations that they think might bring on another attack.”
Katie pursed her lips. “You sound like a doctor, Freeman. How do you know all that?”
Freeman drew in a breath and released it slowly. “Because I used to suffer from panic attacks.”
Katie’s face registered confusion as her eyebrows squeezed together. “Are you serious?”
He nodded. “When I was seven years old, I went to our cellar to get something for my mamm, and I got trapped down there because the door wouldn’t open.” Freeman gave his earlobe a tug. It wasn’t easy to talk about this, but if it might help Katie to know that someone else had gone through something similar to what she was going through now, he would bare his soul. He wanted her to know that he understood her symptoms. “It wasn’t long after I got trapped that I started having some weird symptoms that really scared me.”
“What kind of symptoms?”
“Shortness of breath, pounding heart, a choking sensation. I felt like I was losing control and was gonna die.”
“Did you tell anyone about it?”
“Not at first. Later—soon after we moved to Ohio—the horrible symptoms got worse, so I finally told my folks.”
“What’d they say?”
“They were concerned and took me to the doctor. He ran all kinds of tests, but he couldn’t find anything physically wrong with me, so he told my folks that he thought I was having anxiety attacks and suggested that I see a counselor.” Freeman pulled his fingers through the back of his hair as memories from the past flooded over him. “At first Mom couldn’t accept the idea that I was having emotional problems, but then she went to the library and got a book on the subject of panic attacks, which helped us understand things better.”
“Did anything in the book tell how to make the panic attacks stop?” she asked.
Freeman nodded. “I tried some of the things suggested, but then my daed decided that I should see a Christian counselor someone had told him about.”
“I hope you’re not suggesting that I see a counselor, because I don’t think I could do that.”
“Why not?”
“He might expect me to talk about things I don’t want to discuss.” Tears trickled down Katie’s cheeks. “He might put me on medication.”
“Sometimes medication can help, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of if you have to take it for a while.” Freeman shrugged. “Then again, you may not need medication. Everyone’s different, and one thing might work for one person, while something else works for another. It’ll all depend on what works best for you.”
“Did you take medication?”
Freeman shook his head. “Since my aunt runs a health food store in Ohio, she suggested I try a homeopathic remedy first. If that hadn’t helped, my counselor probably would have suggested medication.”
“Did the remedy work for you?”
He nodded. “It helped me feel calmer, and I took it until I learned how to manage the attacks.”
“How’d you manage them?”
“I did some relaxation and deep-breathing exercises, and I learned how to face my fears without letting them control me.”
Waaa! Waaa! Waaa!
Katie jumped up. “I’d better tend to the baby. If you’re still here when I get back, we can talk about this some more.”
“I’ll be right here.”
***
While Katie changed the baby’s diaper, she thought about the things Freeman had said to her. It felt good to talk to someone about the weird sensations she’d been having. It was a relief to know that what she’d been experiencing actually had a name. If Freeman had gotten over his attacks, maybe she could, too.
When Katie finished diapering little Susan, she returned to the porch with the baby in her arms. She was relieved to see that Freeman was still there.
“I made some banana nut cake earlier today,” she said. “Would you like to try some?”
“Sure, that sounds good.”
“Would you mind holding the boppli while I go inside and get the cake?” Katie asked.
Freeman’s eyebrows shot up. “You ... you want me to hold that tiny little thing?”
She gave a nod. “I’ll only be gone a few minutes.”
“I’m not sure me holding the boppli’s such a good idea. I may be able to fix bikes, but I know little or nothing about
bopplin.
”
“I’m sure you’ll do okay. All you have to do is hold her.” Katie placed the baby in Freeman’s arms and hurried into the house.
A few minutes later, she returned with two glasses of milk and some slices of banana nut cake. “Want me to take the boppli now?” she asked.
He shook his head. “We’re just starting to get acquainted. Believe it or not, I kind of like holding her.”
Katie smiled. A warm breeze moved with the sound of the baby’s breathing, and she relaxed in her chair. She drank some milk and ate a piece of cake, savoring the sweetness.
Freeman reached for a piece of cake and popped most of it into his mouth. “Umm ... this is appeditlich. You’re a good cook, Katie.”
“Danki.” As Katie glanced into the yard, she saw a host of fireflies rise out of the grass, twinkling like tiny diamonds. She never got tired of watching the fireflies. When she and her older brothers were children, they used to have a contest to see who could capture the most fireflies in one of Mom’s empty canning jars. One time her brother Harold had been fooling around and knocked over Katie’s jar. The fireflies had escaped, of course. It had taken almost an hour to get them all out of the kitchen. Harold had gotten in trouble with Mom for being so careless.
“Sure is a nice evening, isn’t it?” Freeman asked, halting Katie’s musings.
She nodded. “I like watching the fireflies as they flutter all over the yard.”
“Me, too.”
As they watched the sun go down and the fireflies disappeared, Freeman entertained Katie with a couple of jokes.
“Do you know who the most successful physician was in the Bible?” he asked.
Katie shook her head.
“It was Job, because he had the most patience.” Freeman slapped his knee. “Get it—the most patients?”
Katie laughed. “I’ve never heard that one before.”
“I’ve never heard you laugh like that before,” Freeman said. “At least not since we were kinner.”
“Laugh like what?” she asked.
“Like a rippling brook.”
“There hasn’t been much for me to laugh about. Not since the accident, anyhow.”
“Sometimes we need to look for things to laugh about.” He looked down at the baby, asleep in his arms. “Won’t be long, and this little girl will be laughin’ and gurglin’ for no reason at all.”
“I guess you’re right about that.” Katie sighed. “Too bad she won’t be with me then so I can see her laugh and gurgle.”
The baby started to fuss, and Katie reached for her. “I think she probably needs to be fed.”
Freeman handed the baby to Katie. “I probably should head for home. I told Grandma I wouldn’t be gone long, and I don’t want her to worry.”
A ripple of fear shot through Katie. “You didn’t tell her you were coming over here, I hope.”
“Jah, I did,” Freeman said, “but I just said I was going to check on you since your folks were gone. I didn’t say a word about the boppli you found.”
Katie blew out a quick breath. “Danki for keeping my secret ... and for everything else you’ve done.”
“You’re welcome. I’ll try to drop by again tomorrow and see how you’re doing.” Freeman hesitated a minute as if he might have more to say, but he stepped off the porch with only a wave.
As Katie watched him head for his buggy, tears slipped out of her eyes and spilled onto the baby’s head. She wiped them away with the corner of her apron. It had been such a long time since she’d felt this peaceful and content. She wished she could make the feeling last forever.