He turned off the lights in the kitchen and walked toward the parlor. There was only one way to convince her to stay.
*
Jane arrived home a little after nine-thirty. Adam heard her car in the driveway.
“Hi,” she said, as she swept into the kitchen. Drops of rain glistened on her smooth hair. “It’s still raining.”
“So I noticed.” He smiled slightly and wiped the moisture from her cheek. “You should have taken a jacket.”
“You sound like my mother.” She wrinkled her nose. “Besides, it’s too hot out there. I won’t melt.” She set her briefcase on the counter. “Is Billie asleep?”
“Yes. I just checked on her.” He didn’t mention that he’d spent the better part of an hour sitting in the dark and watching his daughter sleep. She clutched her teddy bear so tightly to her chest. Was that her normal position, or was she still traumatized from what had happened before? He knew
he
was. His stomach clenched tight as her words again echoed. “I hate you.”
“How was the meeting?” he asked.
“Great. I really like several of the programs they have here for the students.” She slipped out of her jacket and hung it over one of the chairs, then sniffed the air. “Coffee?”
“Decaf.” He motioned to the pot. “Want some?”
“Thanks. Anyway, they have a real commitment to education. And a few surprises. I heard about the Barrington scholarships.”
He walked over to the cupboard and pulled down two mugs. “So?”
“So? It’s wonderful. You’re offering ten scholarships to kids who otherwise wouldn’t have a chance.”
“It’s no big deal.”
“Of course it is.” She moved to stand next to him. Even more hairs had escaped from her braid. They drifted around her face and tempted him to touch her. Her hazel eyes glowed with admiration. “Ten regular students. Not the most athletic, not the brightest, just ten kids that have the grades but not the money to go to college. I think it’s terrific.”
He shrugged off her praise. “Super smart students get academic scholarships and jocks go on athletic ones. I wanted to help the students that fell in between. Like I said, no big deal.” She leaned closer and kissed him on the cheek. “I don’t care what you say, I’m impressed.”
Her scent enveloped him. It was late in the day and the fragrance should have faded by now, but it hadn’t. Her hand, resting on his shoulder, provided a warm connection between them. He turned slowly until he faced her. Behind him, the coffeepot hissed. He ignored it. Hazel eyes, wide with no hint of blue, met his. Her mouth curved up at the corners. Lipstick stained the sweet flesh, darkening the color to a deep rose.
He had forgotten. All the time she’d been gone, all those years, he’d let himself forget. The work, his responsibilities, the women who came and went without touching past the first layer of skin, had allowed him to pretend that it didn’t matter anymore. To have come so close a second time and then to have lost it all. How was he going to survive?
“What is it?” she asked, smiling up at him.
“Nothing.”
She swayed slightly, toward him. He read the invitation. He wasn’t sure she knew what she was asking. He’d promised himself not to push her, that he’d let
her
say when. But could he wait? Could he risk it all?
No! Not if there was a chance of tipping the scales in his favor. He reached up and placed his hands on her shoulders. Slowly, so that she would know what he intended, he lowered his mouth to hers. She didn’t back up or pull away. Instead she rose onto her tiptoes and met him more than halfway.
He’d planned a gentle kiss. His partially formed idea had included seducing her with soft touches and gentle words. Instead, the moment their lips touched, he lost control. He had to have her. All of her.
His mouth angled against hers. Without asking, he swept forward with his tongue. Instantly she parted her lips to admit him. Instead of shying from his assault, she counterattacked with her own plunges. They began a different sort of hide-and-seek with pleasure being the prize for both players.
Jane strained against him. She wrapped her arms around his waist and pulled him toward her. Their bodies touched from chest to knee, but it wasn’t enough.
He reached for her braid and yanked off the ribbon. The elastic band quickly followed. Raking his fingers through the long silky lengths, he combed her hair free. When it was loose around her shoulders, he buried his hands in the warm satin. It tickled his skin and aroused him. His groin already throbbed with painful readiness, and the feel of her hair slipping through his fingers, trailing along his arms, made him grind his hips against hers.
She pulled back slightly and looked up at him. He read the questions in her eyes.
He could lie. He could confess his fears. He could even tell her what had happened with Billie. Each would require more explanation than he could provide right now. He released her hair and stepped back. A voice inside said that she must come to him of her own free will. If he didn’t allow her that, all would be lost.
“I need you,” he said simply.
She bit her lower lip, then smiled. “That’s all you ever had to say.” Lacing her fingers with his, she led him out of the kitchen and up the stairs to her bedroom.
In the darkness, with only the sound of the rain to distract them, he undressed her. When her clothes fell to the floor, he lowered her onto the bed. He touched each inch of her. His fingers traced the delicate skin on the inside of her elbows and behind her knees. He tickled her insteps until she begged her surrender. When her hands reached to caress him, he captured them and held them above her head. This was for
her
.
Still holding her arms up against the pillow, he plundered her mouth. When her tongue chased his back into his mouth, he gently bit on the pointed tip. At her gasp, he sucked on her lower lip. She grew limp. He pressed his leg against her secrets and felt her ready moistness.
Before he reached for his own clothing and removed it, he took her twice up to the edge of passion and caught her as she fell. Only when she had cried out his name over and over again did he allow himself to be buried in her waiting warmth. And not until her third release rippled around him did he give in to the need that pulsed within him. With heavy-lidded eyes and a satisfied smile, she moved her hips in a way designed to reduce his control to ashes. As the fire consumed him, as he reached the pinnacle and prepared himself for his own flight, he wondered if he’d indeed won.
*
“I’ll have to leave more often,” Jane said as she settled back against the pillows. “I like how you welcome me home.”
Adam didn’t respond, he just continued to hold her close and pray for a miracle.
“Why now?” she asked.
“Why not?” It was avoiding the question and the truth, but what else could he do?
“I wasn’t sure.” She snuggled closer to him. Her hair fanned out over his chest. One of her legs rode up against his and her arms held him tight. “After the last time. You never said anything about doing it again.”
“I wanted to give you time.”
“Oh.”
He looked down at her.
“Oh?
What does that mean?”
She shrugged. “I knew that it was better that we try to get used to the arrangement without complicating it with, you know, sex, but—” She shrugged again.
“Jane.” He touched her chin and forced her to look at him. “What are you saying?”
Her eyes, dark now in the stormy night, refused to meet his. “I wasn’t sure you wanted me again.”
“You’re kidding?”
She shook her head.
“Why would you think that?”
“I wasn’t very experienced.” She rested her head on his shoulder. “I wasn’t sure I pleased you.”
“Do you still have doubts?”
He felt her mouth curve against his skin. “No. You took care of them nicely, thank you.”
If only you could take care of mine, he thought. They continued to hold each other. His hands stroked her bare body, loving the feel of her skin. Warm living satin, he thought. He couldn’t leave her. He didn’t deserve to stay.
“I had a problem with Billie tonight,” he blurted out.
“What happened?”
“She played with her softball inside and broke a vase.”
Jane groaned. “Which one?”
“The one in the hall. On that little table. It was completely shattered. There wasn’t anything to save.”
“That little—I’ve told her and told her. What did you do?”
He closed his eyes against the memory. “Gave her a twenty-minute time-out and had her write you a letter of apology.”
Jane squeezed him. “Welcome to the world of parenting.”
“Did I do the right thing?”
“Yes. I especially like the letter. It’s a nice touch. I usually take her ball away for the rest of the day, but seeing as it was so close to bedtime, it’s no big deal.”
He nodded. At least he hadn’t scarred Billie for life, he thought grimly. “She said she hates me.”
Jane raised herself up on one elbow. “What?”
“After I punished her. She told me I wasn’t her father, that she wanted me to leave. And that she hates me.”
“Adam, I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“Don’t take it too seriously. She’s a kid. She’s just reacting to the situation. You’ve gone from being a friend to being an authority figure in a very short time. It’ll take some getting used to.”
He turned away. “What if she doesn’t get used to it? What if she decides to hate me forever?”
“Billie’s attention span isn’t that long.”
“This isn’t humorous to me.”
“Adam.” She touched his cheek. “Are you upset?”
“Of course. What did you think? That I’d take this lightly? My God, Jane, I’ve known her two weeks and she already hates me.”
“She doesn’t. I promise. Billie thinks the world of you.”
“It’s not enough.”
He stared into the darkness. There had to be a solution. “Adam, please. She’s just a little girl. She often says things that she doesn’t—”
“Marry me.”
“What?”
He hadn’t meant to say that, but now that he had, it felt right. He leaned over her and brushed her lips with his fingers. “Marry me, Jane Southwick. Live with me in the big house. Be my wife.”
He hadn’t planned the proposal enough to have formed thoughts on her reaction, but he never expected her to jump out of bed and glare at him as if he’d suggested something disgusting.
“How dare you?” she asked in a low cold voice. “That is the cruelest thing you’ve ever said to me.”
“I asked you to marry me.”
She walked over to the closet and pulled out a robe. After slipping it on and tying the belt tight, she clicked on the lamp on the nightstand. Her hazel eyes flashed with fire and something that might have been pain.
“Why?” she asked. “Why do you want to marry me?”
“Because—” He paused. “It’s the right thing to do.”
“No!” Her hands closed into fists. “Damn it, no! Not that, Adam, please. Tell me you love me. Tell me you can’t live without me. Tell me—” She sighed and collapsed onto the edge of the bed. “Tell me anything but that,” she whispered.
“I do need you.” He moved behind her and took her in his arms. “Please, Jane. You’ve got to understand. All of this. It’s too—”
“Too what?” She spun out of his embrace. “Too scary? For me, too. I’m terrified. It’s almost like those nine years never
happened. We’re still connected with each other. But those nine years are real. I’m not that frightened girl who ran away. I’m all grown up. I know what I want.”
And it’s not you. She didn’t have to say the words; they echoed loudly enough already. He’d lost. It didn’t matter how or why, but it was over. He rose and walked to the window. Keeping his back to her, so she couldn’t see how much it hurt, he asked, “What
do
you want?”
“You.”
He couldn’t have heard her correctly.
“Then why—”
“I love you, Adam. I’ve never stopped loving you. I had to leave to find out everything I needed was right here at home.”
Hope flared inside of him. He turned to face her. “Then—”
“No.” She shook her head. “It’s not that easy. You don’t trust me.”
“That’s crazy.”
“Is it? You want to marry me to keep me from running away again. And I’ll bet it has something to do with forcing Billie to be with you as well. That doesn’t sound like you trust us very much.” She stood up. Her gaze traveled from the top of his head to his feet. He stood naked before her and prayed that she would find him enough. She didn’t. “I could probably forgive you for not trusting me, if you loved me.”
“I—” He couldn’t say the words.
“See.” Her smile was sad. “You never told me then, and you can’t say it now. You won’t risk loving me, because it’s the final risk. Everyone you’ve loved has left you.”
She walked over to him and touched his chest. “Here, in your heart. This is where I want to be. But you won’t let me in. You won’t trust me enough to stay. You won’t love me enough to give me the chance to prove I’m not going anywhere.”
“You’re wrong.”
“Am I?” She smiled sadly. “Tell me you trust me.”
“I trust you.”
“Tell me we can stay together without getting married.”
“Why won’t you marry me?” he asked in frustration. “What’s so wrong with that?”
She shook her head. Her long hair swayed back and forth on her shoulders. “You don’t get it. Look me in the eye and tell me you trust me enough to stay without the commitment of marriage.”
He couldn’t. He didn’t.
“Adam Barrington, I love you. It’s taken me nine years to figure that out. I’m going to prove it to you, too.” She folded her arms in front of her chest. “I’m going to live next door to you. I’m going to love you. I’m going to tempt you into my bed. When you can risk my leaving enough to confess your feelings—when you can tell me you love me, I’ll marry you.”
Chapter Fifteen
A
dam sat on the old wicker chair in the corner of Jane’s front porch. He should go home, he told himself. But he couldn’t. Not yet.
It wasn’t the rain that kept him in place. The storm had passed, leaving only a few sprinkles. It was his personal band of demons that kept him close. He couldn’t bear the thought that, in a matter of hours, he’d lost them both. The pain, a hollow emptiness inside that seemed to be sucking in his soul, grew with each breath. He felt as if he would disappear in the void. He leaned his head back against the chair and sighed. The truth wasn’t that eloquent. He wouldn’t disappear. He’d keep on going, day after day, knowing he’d lost the two people he cared about most.