A Daughter's Choice (12 page)

‘You came!' Celia's voice was breathless and she clasped her hands to her chest and stared at Katie. ‘I've been having palpitations thinking you weren't going to come. I thought maybe
she'd
keep you away.'

‘If you mean Ma by “she”,' said Katie in unfriendly tones, ‘I didn't tell her I was meeting you. In fact, I haven't even told her about your letter.'

Celia's face fell. ‘Why? Don't you believe me?'

Katie hesitated. ‘I don't know what to believe. Shall we go in? I'm hungry.' She was not but felt a need to appear in control. Besides, her umbrella was dripping rain down her neck, compounding the misery and anger she felt as she gazed into the pale middle-aged face with its smattering of freckles.

‘That's fine by me,' said Celia, hurriedly opening the door for Katie as the girl folded her umbrella. ‘I don't know if I'll be able to eat a thing. You can't imagine what it took for me to pluck up courage to write to you! Seventeen years keeping a secret is a long time.'

‘Why keep it then? If I had a daughter, I'd want to know her,' said Katie in a hard voice as she headed for the stairs which led to the first floor.

‘That's easy for you to say,' said Celia, scurrying to keep up with her. ‘There was a war on and I wasn't married and I'd been ill.'

Katie's heart sank. Of course she wasn't married! Stupid of me not to think of that. If Celia is my mother that makes me il–illegit – Oh, God! I don't even want to think the word! ‘Don't say any more,' she said roughly. ‘Let's get sitting down first.'

‘That's fine by me.' Celia smiled. ‘You really have got a nice face. You're much prettier than me, more like your –' She paused. ‘At least you've got my eyes.'

Katie stopped and stared at her, and yes, Celia's eyes were a clear beautiful grey with her own hint of mauve and dark circle around them. She forced out the words: ‘Lots of people have grey eyes.'

‘None of the Ryans or Mcleods do, brown or blue only. I worked at the Arcadia long enough to know the colour of all their eyes. And did you know John is my godfather? He and my dad were in the Great War together. He's a good man and I can only think
she
's got him really under her thumb to be able to chase me out. When I think of the kind of life I've had, and all because
she
wanted a girl. Anybody's girl! But you were somebody's. You were mine!'

‘Shhh!' Katie scowled at her and ran up the stairs but Celia kept up, clipping Katie's heel at one point so that her shoe came off. It was only a petty little thing but it incensed her. She didn't want this woman for a mother! She had a mother and one was enough.

Katie found them a table and waved Celia to a seat opposite her. Obediently she sat down with a hesitant smile on her face. She gazed round her at the damask cotton-covered tables with their occupants and the uniformed waitresses. ‘I always wanted to come here but I was too shy to come on my own. Besides, I couldn't afford to eat out then.' She fixed her eyes on Katie's face. ‘What shall we have?' she said eagerly. ‘You pick.'

Katie reached for the menu and used it to hide her expression whilst trying to gather her racing thoughts. She chose the day's special for both of them and gave the order to the waitress who suddenly appeared at her side. Then she leant back and unbuttoned her coat. ‘Where was I born?' she rattled off.

‘In the basement, during the May blitz. It was the last night of the raids. Night after night of noise and destruction.' Celia's fingers trembled as she pleated the tablecloth. ‘You were premature, and no wonder! My nerves were shot to pieces with the year I'd had before.'

‘Who delivered me?'

‘Annie's mam. Mrs Mcleod was there as well – and Hannah and Ben.'

‘Ben!' She was stunned.

‘He was only a kid and kept in the background but I remember him asking his mam did she want him to boil some water like they did in the films when a baby was coming.' Celia paused and held Katie's stare. ‘Why did he come looking for me?'

‘He's in love with Sarah. I told you, didn't I?' Katie covered her face with her hands. ‘He was hoping you and Mick –' She stopped, hardly able to believe that the thought hadn't struck her before. ‘Who's my father?' she asked, unable to keep the hope out of her voice.

‘Nobody you know,' said Celia, who had anticipated the question. ‘There was a war on. I had more than one fella fancying me. When young men go off to fight, you want to make them happy for a short while so you give them all you've got. I loved him, if that's what you're worried about.'

‘Yes, that's what I was worried about,' said Katie in a subdued voice. ‘Although – you did love Mick at one time?'

‘Yes, I loved Mick.' Her voice had hardened. ‘But we were both very young and people's feelings change.'

That was what he had said and Katie's hope of bringing them together died.

Their soup had arrived and Celia picked up her spoon and ate with relish. Katie was still not feeling hungry but she ate hers and when their plates were removed, said, ‘What is it you want from me?'

‘I'm lonely.' Celia smoothed the napkin on her knee. ‘I don't suppose you know what that feels like, having lived in the Arcadia all your life, being spoilt, always having someone looking out for you?' She paused but Katie could not have answered to save her life because for the second time in the last few days she was trying to imagine living a different kind of life altogether. ‘Nobody cares if I live or die,' said Celia.

Katie struggled to find her voice. ‘Rita seemed to care about you.'

‘Rita? Yes, I've got a lot to thank Rita for.' Celia smiled. ‘If she hadn't helped Annie's daughter when she had a fit, I'd never have known the Mcleods were still at the Arcadia. I thought at first Eileen was you but Rita put me straight when I asked the name of the girl she helped.' Celia picked up her spoon. ‘I went back to the Arcadia during the war, wanting to see you, but it was all boarded up and I was told the family had gone to live in Scotland.'

‘So you did care that much?' said Katie.

‘Of course I cared! Even though I never had the advantages Kitty Mcleod had, I think I could still have been a good mother to you if – if your father hadn't died. It's too late now to know how you'd have turned out,' said Celia. ‘
She's
left her mark on you. But that doesn't mean to say we couldn't give living together a chance.'

‘You really want me to live with you?' Katie put down her spoon. She couldn't eat. ‘You're asking a lot. I don't know you.'

‘And whose fault's that?' Celia's voice was barely audible. ‘I don't want to throw stones, Katherine, I know I failed you, but that woman's been living a lie all these years.
She
isn't your mother –
I
am. And I haven't been feeling very well lately … You're so young and strong. I'm sure with you looking after me, I'd soon perk up.' She spooned custard and jam sponge into her mouth.

Katherine! She called me Katherine, thought Katie. It made her sound like a completely different person. More grown up. And wasn't being considered grown up what she wanted? But still she protested: ‘My life's at the Arcadia. Ma brought me up to take over when she retires.'

‘I'm sure – she can give you – much more than I can,' gasped Celia.

‘Are you OK?' Suddenly she felt exactly like a Katherine and pushed back her chair, thinking Celia was having a heart attack.

Celia made a choking noise and it was Katherine who forced her head down and whacked her between the shoulder blades. Jam sponge shot on to the tablecloth and Celia dabbed at her mouth with her napkin. ‘You saved my life,' she said hoarsely. ‘See how useful it would be to me to have you around?'

Katherine stared at her and then she began to laugh helplessly. There was something about Celia that was beginning to make it impossible for her to walk away, and it wasn't just because she was starting to believe that this was in fact her real mother. Then the laughter died on her lips and tears filled her eyes. Dear God, what am I going to do? she asked.

‘How was the dentist's?' called Kitty from behind Reception as Katherine entered the lobby.

She did not answer immediately but closed the vestibule door carefully after her. Raw misery and anger were tearing at her insides and she did not know who to blame the most for the way she was feeling. She placed her umbrella in the hallstand and wondered how and where to start, eventually realising there was no easy way. ‘I haven't been to the dentist,' she said, striding towards the desk. She stopped close to it and said in a low voice, ‘I lied to you about that, just like you've lied to me all these years about me being your daughter.'

The blood drained out of Kitty's face and she felt so weak she had to sit down but even so she did her best to make her voice sound normal. ‘Who told you that?'

‘Celia! Who else? She sent me a letter saying you wanted a daughter so badly you stole me from her.'

‘And you believed her?'

‘Why should she lie?'

‘People do. I've never stolen a thing in my life!'

‘You wanted a daughter, though?'

‘I'd lost one. Of course I did. You were very welcome.' Kitty forced a smile.

Katherine fought against being charmed by that smile and her fingers gripped the edge of the desk. ‘I didn't want to believe her, but why should she lie? She's nothing to gain.'

Kitty stared at her and felt suddenly furiously angry. ‘You haven't known the woman five minutes and you're taking her word above mine? Have I ever let you down? Haven't I fed and clothed and cared for you? You're
my
daughter and Celia has no right to tell you any different. Now go and get out of those wet shoes and be down here in ten minutes. There's jobs you should be doing.'

Katherine did not move. ‘I wish I could believe you.' Her voice cracked. ‘I know you've done all the things you say and I'm grateful, but that doesn't prove you're my real mother.'

Kitty stared at her a moment. Getting up, she took her arm and ushered her into the tiny office, closing the door behind them so they were completely private. ‘My name's on your birth certificate,' she said in a low voice. ‘What proof has Celia got?'

‘She told me Ben was there at the birth, that Annie's mother delivered me – that the maid Hannah went for her despite there being a raid on. That I was premature and born in the basement because of a raid. She seemed to know everything! About the bomb – how I was put in a drawer and wrapped up in cotton wool. She even told me she was moved up into the dining room and a bed brought down from upstairs.'

‘I suppose she said I wasn't even there?' There was an angry flush on Kitty's face.

Katherine shook her head. ‘She said you kept her spirits up when she was terrified that she was going to die.'

‘Clever of her,' said Kitty grimly. ‘I should have given her more credit. Still, all you've got to do is ask Ben if she's telling the truth. Would you take his word for it that you're my daughter?'

Katherine hesitated and Kitty's expression tightened. ‘I don't believe this! Are you saying you don't even trust Ben? Hasn't he been the best brother a girl could have?'

‘Yes, damn you!' Katherine's voice broke and her eyes filled with tears as she leant against the table holding the typewriter. ‘But that doesn't prove a thing! He's kind and generous and I love him to bits, just like I love Pops, but he'd say what you wanted him to say. You're his mother and he loves you very much.'

‘Pops?' Kitty was visibly trembling now. ‘Would you believe him?'

‘He'd say anything to please you too!' The tears were rolling down Katherine's cheeks and she had to swallow before she could continue, ‘He wants you to retire so he can go to Scotland and walk the hills. You said so the other day. He'll be able to be near Jack then. So it's in his interest to keep me here.'

‘And what's wrong with that? Don't you want to stay here?' Kitty held out her arms to her. ‘You have a future here! From the moment I held you in my arms, I planned for you to take over the Arcadia. What girl could ask for more?'

‘I know. You've given me a lot.' Katherine sniffed back her tears. ‘But you vet all my friends and you chased Patrick away.'

‘He wasn't right for you! He wouldn't fit in here. Besides, you hardly know him. I was looking out for you. Isn't that a natural feeling for a mother?'

‘Yes, but – I don't believe you're my
natural
mother. I remember girls at school saying you were old enough to be my grandmother.'

‘So you think I'm your grandmother now?' Kitty stared at her and there was hope in her eyes. ‘Perhaps you think Mick …?'

‘I did.' Katherine wiped her hand across her wet face. ‘But I asked Celia and she told me I wasn't his child.'

For a moment Kitty was completely stunned. Deep down she had always believed Katie
was
Mick's child. ‘She's lying,' she gasped. ‘She's bloody lying! She left you here because she knew –' Her voice faltered and she felt terribly sick.

There was silence.

‘So you admit it?' said Katherine at last in a faint voice.

Kitty nodded. ‘I admit it. Even so, this was where you belonged. Celia didn't bother with you until a few days ago. We've loved you for years.'

‘She tried to see me,' Katherine found herself defending Celia. ‘She came back here but it was boarded up and we were in Scotland. She wouldn't have known that if she hadn't been here.'

That knowledge was a body blow to Kitty. ‘I never knew,' she whispered, feeling as if the room had tilted.

‘She's had such an unhappy life,' said Katherine, voice trembling. ‘She lost both her parents early, had no money and nearly died from TB herself. Couldn't you have welcomed her? Why did you have to push her out in the rain? Why did you lie to me? Why couldn't you have trusted me with the truth when she was here? You were cruel. I hardly recognised you. I feel as if I don't know who you are any more. I feel as if I don't know who
I
am any more – Katie or Katherine or even “Katie girl” as Mick calls me. I need to be with her. I need to get to know her.'