A DEATH TO DIE FOR (14 page)

The light was still broken while the fan carried on it’s sad lament and as I entered the shower cubicle I could not find a surface that I readily wanted to place my belongings onto,  however needs must so balancing toiletries one precariously on top of the other and using my nail clippers as a clothes peg by pushing the narrow end into a hole in the back of the door where a hook had been broken off previously, I managed to have a shower.

Luckily the bed had already been dealt with by the time I got back to the ward so I stowed my soiled clothes and reconnected my NG tube to the pump myself this time making sure of the connection by switching on the pump and tugging at the tube, all seemed well.

The efforts of the day and the warm shower made me tired so I carefully circumnavigated the food pump stand making sure not to twist the feed tube and got into bed to wait for my medication to arrive and also sent a text to Helen asking her to please bring in some clean clothes and my other dressing gown, she texted back asking what had happened to which I replied nothing serious and that I would tell her the whole sorry story tomorrow.

I watched as the drugs trolley nurse did her rounds she had a full figure as my mum would have said and when she arrived at my bed I could see that she was a real copper knob with bright sparkly green eyes and a warm smile she had a striped dress with white apron and cap, she checked my chart then my wrist bands and asked me my date of birth, once the formalities were over she tipped some tablets into a small wax paper cup and reached for the water jug and glass.

I was quite alarmed to think that she was expecting me to swallow the tablets so I held my hand out in a ‘stop’ gesture, she looked puzzled so I explained about the problems with my throat, she said not to worry and that she would be back after she had completed the last couple of patients.

I assumed that she would come back with some different medication and sure enough when she reached the end of the ward she disappeared from view but only to reappear shortly afterwards carrying a mortar and pestle.

Now it was my turned to look puzzled and as the mortar and pestle were placed on the over bed table I had the weirdest feeling that I was being transported back to Dickensian times in these Victorian surroundings.

The tablets in the small cup were tipped into the mortar and she started to work them into a powder with the pestle she then picked up a large needleless syringe half filled with a clear fluid that she confirmed was saline and squirted the water into the bowl and proceeded to stir it into the powder.

She then refilled the syringe with the resultant mixture, fitted the needleless end into the cannula and slowly depressed the plunger.

This was quite a lot more fluid than I usually received and it stung the back of my had which made me flinch.

She asked me if I was OK to which I nodded and then she asked when I had last had the cannula changed, I said that I hadn’t and that this was the same one that the junior doctor had inserted when I first arrived at Hereford hospital, she gave that one raised eyebrow look which suggested that this was not a normal situation.

The nurse locked the drugs cabinet and left saying that she wouldn’t be a minute, she returned carrying a kidney dish with a small bottle of liquid, some cotton wool balls and another cannula in a cellophane wrapper.

She gently tried to remove the sticking plaster which held the cannula in place but as she struggled with the old hardened adhesive the cannula and a piece of flesh about 12mm diameter and 3mm thick just came away, surprisingly it didn’t hurt or bleed.

I just stared at this gaping hole in the back of my hand, the nurse said that it should have been changed some time ago and that the flesh had necrotised and that was why the wound hadn’t bled.

The nurse opened the bottle and put some liquid onto a cotton wool ball and dabbed at the wound, again there was no pain. She then placed a clean cotton wool ball on the back of my hand and secured it with a cross of sticking plaster informing me that I should try not to get it wet and that she would keep an eye on it over the next couple of days.  

Opening the cannula packet she said that another one would need to be put in straight away in case I needed further medical intervention and not wanting to put it into my good right arm she decided to insert it into the inside left forearm.

She cleared away the debris, placed the kidney dish and the mortar and pestle on top of the drugs trolley, smiled, said goodnight and left.

After such a long and tiring day I just wanted to go to sleep and in so preparing I thought that I had better have some eye drops to keep my throat clear.

There is a certain reticence you have to overcome when the label on the box states in bold block capital letters
EXTERNAL USE ONLY
and you have been told to put some in your mouth, but trusting in the competence of the consultant I put two drops from the dropper under my tongue as instructed.

The result was immediate and what I can only describe as like sucking on a half dozen lemons but without the taste, my mouth felt completely dried out in an instant, I could feel my cheeks concaving against my teeth.

I laid back on the bed wondering if I would see the dawn and fell asleep.

My day crashed open with all the noise and hubbub of a large busy hospital, the breakfast trolley and tea lady rattled through and nurses busied themselves with taking the first round of obs for the day.

My first waking thought was that my being able to see the ceiling must mean that I hadn’t died in the night

I could see that my food bag was empty so I pulled the stand towards me, switched off the pump and disconnected the NG tube……….freedom!

It wasn’t long before I came to realise that the resited cannula was going to be a problem, every time I tried to move my arm I caught in on one thing or another, the bed cover, my clothes and each time it hurt.

A nurse came and raised the window blinds. It was a cold foggy morning and the fog seemed to fall, swirling into the area outside the window from the ground level above.

I checked my phone to see whether I had received what was now becoming the usual and very welcome collection of texts from family and friends both in the morning and also the evening telling me they were thinking of me and thankfully there were several.

I managed to get through basic ablutions without too much hassle but I still didn’t attempt to shower until later.

A junior doctor with obligatory white coat and stethoscope came and informed me that I had been booked in for a CAT scan late morning or early afternoon as soon as a slot was available, I thought that this would at least give some interest to the day.

I sat in the chair while the bed was made and then got on top of the covers to watch the TV to try and get an update on the oil fire and found out that it had reignited the night before and the fire authorities had made the decision to let it burn itself out.

Around midday a porter arrived with a wheelchair and I was taken through a labyrinth of corridors, I don’t know why but for some reason in this hospital I felt like an extra taking part in the filming of ‘Casualty’ or ‘Holby City’. We rounded a corner and arrived at the x-ray/radiology department, I was glad that I had been escorted as I would never have found my way there and back on my own.

Having been deposited in a large waiting room with a receptionist at a desk, I could see that there was another patient in a wheelchair and several other people in their normal daytime clothes wearing coats, hats and anoraks, this was going to take some time so the blanket that the porter had placed in the chair before I sat in it was to prove very handy and I wrapped it around me to keep the draft out.

Not long after I got back to the ward Kate and Helen arrived and while I explained the events as they happened after visiting finished the night before Helen got out a black bin liner and filled it with all the dirty clothes.

I said to them that I had seen on the TV that the oil fire had reignited and that it was lucky that there had not been any rain which had allowed the smoke to be blown out sea otherwise the pollution of the land would be much worse, Helen said she was pleased that I had found something to spark my interest and take my mind off things.

As the afternoon went on Kate said she needed to talk to me about something, I asked did she mean on my own but she replied that would not be necessary because mum already knew about it, she pulled the curtain part way round the bed and started to explain that she had a very difficult decision to make but didn’t know how to tell me about it and Helen confirmed that Kate had been very upset.

It transpired that the problem revolved around flights back to New Zealand, Kate had been on the internet and had discovered that unless she caught the flight due out on Sunday it would be into the new year before she could get home to see the children because all of the flights were booked up with people travelling for the Christmas holidays.

She used some of the tissues to wipe her eyes and blew her nose and with a tearful voice continued that she was being absolutely torn apart from wanting to stay to help mum through to the end but also knowing that Gary and the two girls we missing her after more than two weeks away and they were desperately hoping that she would be at home for Christmas.

I held her hand and told her there was nothing for her to be upset about, I said that she had shown her love for mum and me by coming from the other side of the world to be with us at this terrible time, we had also known from the start that she couldn’t stay with us indefinitely and it was very important for her to be with her own family at this time of year.

The three of us huddled together and Kate’s sobbing began to subside now that she had excised the problem that had evidently haunted her over the past couple of days and as we sat back I told her with as much firmness I could muster out of my own emotional melt down that I did not want her to spend any more of their hard earned money buying a flight back for my funeral later on because she had been with us when it counted while I was still alive, and supported mum by helping out at the house at weekends when it was full of visitors.

In an emotional voice Kate said thankyou and put her arm around my shoulder.

The afternoon tea trolley arrived and Kate managed to cadge a cup each for both her and Helen which helped to mollify the upset.

Much later after visiting had finished I was laid on the bed engrossed in a history programme on the TV with my earphones on and I didn’t see the consultant enter the ward, in fact it wasn’t until he was virtually at my bedside that I became aware of his presence.

I was a bit taken aback to see him as I knew that this was his normal day to be at Hereford and from his demeanour I could tell he wasn’t comfortable at being here.

Firstly he said that he was able to confirm that the PET scan had been approved and it had been booked in for tomorrow afternoon 2.30pm, I thought well that’s the good news and waited for him to continue.

He confirmed that he had in fact made a special trip to see me this evening because he had been contacted by the radiographer regarding the outcome of my CAT scan and because he knew it was my wish to be kept fully informed of the facts surrounding my case he felt that he had to let me know as soon as he was able to that unfortunately the news was not good.

I knew it! I braced myself for the worst.

He continued that the result of today’s scan seemed to show that the cancer had begun to spread and that there was the possibility that metastases had started to form around the area of the left ear.

I threw my head back on the pillow and closed my eyes tightly and the heat of rage engulfed me, I found it so difficult to comprehend that all of this was supposed to be going on inside of me and yet I could feel no pain or discomfort.

The moment past, I opened my eyes again and looked at him and asked what happens next.

The consultant leaned against the wall, a bit more relaxed now that he had imparted the news, he said that he didn’t want to make any further assessment until after he could see in more detail how the cancer was spreading from the results of the PET scan tomorrow.

I thanked him for making the special trip although inside me I knew it was a hollow accolade as I had certainly not wanted to hear the news he had brought with him.

I decided that I would not let Helen know the news until the morning.

Despite the diazepam I had a very disturbed night.