I had never tortured anyone before. It was one of the things that I just didn't do. I didn't do it, because it was a memory I never wanted to have. My life and especially my job had given me enough nightmares without taking on more. Yet here I stood shivering, but not from the cold. I was shaking because I'd just spent the last half hour severing two of the vampire's fingers after I'd burned her flesh with a cross.
I noticed I was still carrying the cigar with me that I'd found in Luther's drawer. I turned to him standing quietly beside me and began to search his pockets.
"Not that I mind the frisking, but what are you looking for?" he asked.
Even though what he said was funny, his voice lacked humor. Luther was upset too, and trying hard to hide it.
"Lighter," I said.
He reached in his coat pocket and handed me the lighter, but I was shaking too badly to light the cigar.
"Here," Luther said, cupping his hands around the cigar to light it for me.
"Thank you," I whispered and nearly threw up.
I decided it was best if I kept my mouth closed. Dracula excused himself to speak with Alek and to tell those wondering about our absence that I was not well. I was the only one who'd gotten blood on my clothes. Luther had rolled up his sleeves and worn gloves. He was still in costume, and looked really good in the deep blue frock coat. I tried to distract myself by looking at him, but it only worked for a second.
As I continued to shiver I realized I'd done it for Elijah more than anyone else, because I knew he wouldn't have been able to. And poor Mary would never get the chance. I'm sure somewhere in my jumble of thoughts a fear of Dracula being harmed had also motivated me, but at that moment I could only think of Elijah. He would never have been able to do what I'd done tonight, so I did it for him.
That woman had stood by and watched while they hurt Mary. She could have helped, but she didn't. To me, that was just as bad as if she'd participated. If we do nothing while others suffer, then don't we contribute to their suffering?
Luther moved closer to me. I could feel the heat radiating from his body. He put his hand on my shoulder and I leaned back against him as his arm encircled my waist.
"Luther, I've never done anything like that before," I said, my voice shaking.
"I know."
"If I can do something like that, then what does that make me?"
"Desperate," he said. "We needed to know where Khan was for your safety and for others. The fact that she'd helped to torture Mary just made you angry enough to go through with it."
I tried to nod my head in agreement but gagged instead. I leaned over the loading dock and threw up while Luther held back my long red wig.
"You're not a monster," he said softly.
"Luther, I'm not the girl you knew in school anymore." I stopped to throw up again. "I'm something else," I gasped.
"So am I," he said as he took the cigar from my hand so I couldn't accidentally burn myself.
I heard cars leaving the parking lot out front and in a few minutes Alek and Dracula came through the back door. Luther had helped me to my feet and stood with his arm around my shoulders.
Alek walked over and handed me a drink.
"This will help," he said softly.
"Thanks, Alek, but I don't think alcohol is the solution to my problems."
"Neither do I," he said bluntly, "now drink it." He looked at the cigar and said, "The nicotine should help it move through your system more quickly."
When I still looked questioningly at the glass he explained, "It's for your nerves, and to prevent nightmares."
I was so grateful I almost cried. While they spoke I sipped the potion slowly and finished the cigar. My heartbeat had slowed down significantly within a few minutes. I knew they were discussing the information we'd just learned, but I wasn't following the conversation. When Bade came through the door I went to him and wrapped my arms around his waist. He smelled like home and it comforted me. Luther didn't seem to like this, but I ignored him.
I still didn't know what they were saying. I focused on Bade's steady heartbeat and tried not to throw up the potion I'd just finished. As I turned to go back to my dressing room I said, "Let's not speak of this again. Ever. I will not become worse than they are."
Nobody spoke as I left them standing outside. Bade followed me to the dressing room and helped me change. His strength and his nearness calmed me and I was grateful to have him close by. Nausea threatened to overpower me again when I realized I needed to pee and the vampire's body was in my bathroom.
About that time Dracula walked through the door. The first words out of his mouth were, "I will have the bathroom completely redone. Nothing about it will give a clue as to what happened this night."
"Thank you."
"Will you be alright, my angel?" he asked softly, taking a step forward to caress my face.
"I will be."
I almost asked him if I could stay. Marco had two clubs to run, reports to make to my father and Aldan now, and the last time I spoke to him he had to settle some disputes within the pack. Dracula would be reporting to my father shortly and I knew I could trust him to leave out anything horrible about me. He would simply say we had obtained the information and not tell how.
But I needed comfort. Luther was pretty shaken up but if I took him home with me he would be angry that Bade was there. Bade had been told to stick close to me when Marco wasn't around, so there was no way around that.
"I am grateful for what you did tonight," Dracula said as he hugged me against him. "I know that such an act did not come easily for you." He kissed my forehead and my chest felt tight. His lips touched my skin just a moment longer than was necessary and it was nearly my undoing. "You do much for the sake of others, my angel. If you ever need anything from me, you have only to ask."
I kissed him in response. His kindness was very moving. I knew when I touched his lips that he didn't step in and take over the ballerina's torture because he didn't want to offend me. He knew that I acted on behalf of Elijah, Mary, and himself. He was afraid his interference would imply I couldn't handle the situation myself. It was nice to know he didn't think I needed a man to take care of me. But then again, I'm not much on women's lib when it comes to torture.
After Dracula left I took Bade's hand and said, "Looks like it's just you and me."
On our way out I made the comment that I needed to get a good night's sleep because we had rehearsal again tomorrow.
"You're not seriously coming back here tomorrow?" he said.
"I need to act like everything is normal. If I don't come people might get suspicious. The last thing I need is for people to have another reason to spy on me."
There were few things I hated worse than having someone stick their nose in my business. I'd finally come to the conclusion that people who spent too much of their time attending to my business didn't have enough of their own to attend to. Maybe that's why I'd been so unforgiving with the ballerina. After all, the horrible things they'd done to Mary would have been done to me if not for her mistake. She'd been watching me and waiting for the opportunity to let someone hurt me.
"She deserved it," Bade said, opening my car door.
"Can you read my mind?"
"No, but the rest of you is not hard to read." He smiled kindly.
?
Chapter Twenty Two
The night was cool, but Bade left the top of his convertible down because I wanted to enjoy the air. He gave me a blanket from the trunk before we left the parking lot amid the stares of a few dozen fang bait. Normally they would have tried to come closer but one look at Bade said this was not the time for autographs.
By the time we made it home I was half asleep with my head in his lap. Alek would be along later and I had no idea where Johnny was. This meant Bade and I had the house to ourselves. Alek's potion had helped my nerves, but now that I was coming down from my adrenaline high I felt like crying. There was a time when I would never have let Bade see me cry, but that time had passed.
"I feel like I might have a breakdown," I confessed as we made our way up the stairs.
"It's understandable," he said, patting my shoulder.
"Then how come I never see you or Marco, or anyone else freaking out? Why is it always me who runs home and cries?"
"Elijah cries."
"Well, other than Elijah. How come it's always me? Am I just the only one who's not a complete sociopath or am I weak?"
"You're not weak," Bade said as he opened my bedroom door. "Dracula cries too. In his office when he thinks no one can hear him."
Then I remembered how he had cried over Mary and knew I wasn't the only one. I was just being deliberately hard on myself.
"You know that skin that Marco loves to show off?"
"The hide of the former king?" I asked.
"That's the one. Well, he threw up for an hour after he did that, because I was with him," Bade said.
"Really?"
That made me feel better.
"Don't let his confidence fool you, love," Bade said while I started to take off my shoes. "Marco doesn't get any pleasure from hurting people any more than you do. And I only like it if they're willing." He added the last with a wink.
"Bade," I scolded weakly.
"If you laugh you'll feel better."
"You're right. I just don't feel much like laughing."
"Then let's cry and have done with it," he said. "You did what had to be done and that doesn't mean you're good or bad, it just means you were able. It doesn't make you weak to regret the things you have to do. It makes you weak when your regrets prevent you from acting."
There was a lot of wisdom in his words and I let some of it sink in while I undressed.
"I need a shower," I said quietly, making my way toward the bathroom.
I turned on the water and rested my head against the cold tile. I didn't hear Bade come in, but when he found me I was curled into a ball crying in the corner of the shower. He sat down beside me and pulled me into his arms.
"Ssshh," he said softly, rocking me back and forth.
After several minutes of gently stroking my hair and murmuring words of comfort Bade said, "This water won't wash away your sins, love. Let's get some rest. Come on, I'll wash your hair."
Once we got out of the shower, I could tell Alek's potion was beginning to have more of an effect. No matter how much I tried to think about what happened a few hours before I found it harder and harder to focus. Finally, I gave up worrying and snuggled up to Bade.
I took a deep breath and pressed my face against the side of his throat. I breathed in the scent of his shampoo and as I ran my nose over his hair I picked up the familiar scent of the pack. He smelled of fur and outdoors, of sunshine and forest, and Marco. I never thought I'd find comfort in the scent of a wolf pack but I did. It smelled like home and family, and safety. Through Bade I could feel the strength of the pack, almost as deeply as I felt it through Marco.
He seemed to understand the reason I nuzzled his hair and pulled me on top of him the way Marco always did. It should have seemed strange to have my naked body pressed flat against Bade, but it didn't. It didn't even feel sexual, because neither of us was aroused. It felt like home. While I lay against him that night the horrors of the day were far from my mind. I knew only the scent of the open woods and the thrill of the hunt. Through the scent of the pack and my contact with his skin I was able to relive some of his memories. And thanks to Alek's potion, I only sought out the good ones.
* * * *
Morning came too soon, and true to his word Alek's potion had prevented any nightmares. I lifted my head slowly and the side of my face hurt.
"Ouch." I rubbed my cheek while I rolled off of Bade.
At first he looked concerned as he turned my face so he could have a look, but then he laughed at me.
"What's so funny?"
"My nipple ring left a dent in your cheek," he snickered.
"I should leave a dent in your ass," I threatened as I rolled toward the edge of the bed and turned my back on Bade.
"Don't threaten me with a good time," he growled, snuggling against my back.
"Are you bloody perverts up here naked again?" Johnny asked as he came staggering through the door.
"You're drunk," I said incredulously.
I glanced at the clock while Bade said, "It's only nine thirty."
"Well, better late than never," Johnny drawled. "Now do you want breakfast or not?"
We waited until Johnny had closed the door and I heard him stumbling down the stairs before getting out of bed. Bade had started to keep some of his clothes at my house since he was there so much. He went to the closet and slipped on a pair of dark blue pajama pants. I would have offered him some of mine to wear, since I preferred to wear men's pajamas, but he was too tall. Luther could wear my pajama pants if he pulled them down low on his hips, and so could Dracula or Marco. But they were all around six foot two. Bade was bigger around and two inches taller. No matter how much he might have tried, the men's size medium would always be tight and look like high waters on his long legs.
On the other hand, they were loose on my waist and I had to roll them up three times at the bottom to keep from tripping. I just liked to wear men's shirts and pjs around the house. I suppose it's like why Mason explained to me once that he liked to wear women's clothes occasionally. He said it made him think of the woman beneath it. When I wore Marco's pajamas, I definitely thought of the man who'd been beneath those.
I put on a pair of black silk pajama pants with a drawstring waist and a sleeveless white undershirt. I'd recently painted my toenails black and the pjs just made it all the more noticeable.
"You're wearing a wife beater?" Bade laughed at my shirt.
"Just around the house," I said with a shrug.
When we entered the kitchen Johnny was already cooking a breakfast big enough for a crowd. Well, when you considered there was the three of us plus Alek, I suppose he wasn't far off.