Authors: Jan Warburton
Despite the emotional bad start that morning; amazingly business began to turn around later that very day with a sizable order coming in from Harvey Nichols, and two others from Fenwick and Liberty. So the dreadful, dark cloud that had been hanging over me had a silver lining after all.
Two weeks later I had the abortion. Lynda, the only other person I confided in, accompanied me to see a man in Hammersmith, a qualified Hungarian doctor who'd come to England as a refugee some years earlier. He and his wife, who acted as his nurse, performed the illegal operation under fairly acceptable surgical conditions in their living room. Much of it was rather hazy for me, having drunk over half of a bottle of whisky beforehand to give me courage
I can just remember the doctor saying that for some reason he couldn't give me an anaesthetic, making me extremely thankful that I'd had the whisky after all!
As I lay on the operation couch, legs akimbo, another comment from him horrified me even more…
'Do please try to keep very still, my dear, because if my scalpel slips you could die.'
Very reassuring, I thought. I closed my eyes tight and prayed. It was a horrendous business. The searing pain was so excruciating that I finally passed out anyway. But I must have stayed still long enough because I survived his scalpel. Even so, there was some concern while I was recovering for a short while afterwards when my blood pressure dropped alarmingly low.
The taxi journey home seemed endless. Never had a heavy dose of painkillers and bed seemed so welcome.
Bleeding heavily and in pain for several days, I was fit for nothing and felt so weak. Shirley managed to hold the fort at work for me satisfactorily. I gave everyone the impression I had a bad dose of 'flu. In the end Alex did show some genuine care and concern for my well being, anxiously watching my progress. But once he knew I was all right he disappeared off to the States again. ‘On urgent business,' he said.
I still felt deeply hurt and confused by his continuing lack of compassion over my predicament. I was desperately sad also because our relationship by now had completely fallen apart.
How marvellous, I thought, since he was responsible for my pregnancy in the first place. In the end I consoled myself with the knowledge that although he'd disappointed me deeply in this way, I had to be grateful that he'd at least coughed up for the operation; costing one hundred and fifty pounds.
Ironically, a year later abortion was legalised in Britain. All the same I felt no remorse about it. I knew I had done the right thing at the time. Babies were for the earth-mother type, which, at the time, I knew I wasn't. One day, maybe, but I certainly wasn't ready for motherhood yet. I was angry too because my lengthy recovery plus all the bleeding and discomfort prevented me getting on properly with my job for a while.
To coincide with my abortion, Vanessa, two weeks overdue and now living in Surrey, had given birth to a bouncing daughter called Lucy. I sent a card and flowers but had to make my excuses not to visit. Suffering from my feigned 'flu was hardly the right time to be calling on a mother and her newborn baby. Alex had visited her, however, before leaving for the States, and I suspect this affected his profound judgement on me further.
*
During my enforced absence from work I discovered that a couple of female pop artists had expressed interest in my designs and had made appointments to call in at the showroom for private viewings. Several up-market boutiques around the country started buying from me too. It seemed Kate and Norman had been promoting a good deal of interest in me wherever they went, which was a great help. Vanessa's wealthy pals also slowly drifted in; many of whom were sure to become regular customers.
Such private Ready-to-Wear clients were most welcome as I knew they would give me a more instant income than retail orders alone, with their usually expected twenty eight days credit time. Soon quite a regular clientele was calling, keeping my workroom girls and outworkers extremely busy.
Things were improving and I knew that with any luck now, with goods going out and payment coming in, bankruptcy was becoming less and less of a possibility. This had been my constant fear for weeks now. During all this I was, of course, also working hard on my next collection to show in October. It all weighed heavily on me and I soon became totally work obsessed.
Business continued to increase, which was encouraging. Despite feeling seriously unwell for quite some time, I managed to go into the showroom most days and slowly my strength recovered.
When Alex returned the atmosphere was still chilly and decidedly unromantic, even though we both made an effort. Our lovemaking that first night felt mechanical and gratuitous until we both realised as much and abandoned the attempt. I'd clearly blown it with him. He really had felt that badly about the abortion.
'Alex, would you prefer it if I moved out? I mean, is there really much point in my staying on here?' I finally asked, after a second evening of taciturn silence from him. 'We obviously can't carry on living together this way. I'm deeply sorry you feel so strongly about the abortion but it's done now. If you can't forgive me then perhaps I should go.'
Somehow I knew our days together were numbered and I felt desperately sad about it. Nowadays though, my business had become more important to me than anything or anyone, even Alex. I couldn't cope with this awful, uncommunicative atmosphere when I came home at night. If he couldn't be someone I could chat to and commiserate with or have a loving relationship with any more, well then, I might as well be on my own.
He looked at me beneath his dark brows and sighed, 'You don't need to go yet, honey. But you're right; I don't think things can be the same any more. However, I want you to know that I am hurting like hell about all this.'
The hint of a chill in his voice saddened me though, and I longed for things to at least be friendly between us. We might then eventually be able to pick up the pieces again, but his whole demeanour seemed different now. A veil hung over him, shielding the old Alex from me. The amazing chemistry that had once been so apparent between us had vanished. It was unbelievable how two people, who'd once been
so
good together, could have become so distant, so incompatible.
'Look, I have to go to Athens for my father tomorrow,' he said. 'I'll be away a couple of weeks at least. Stay as long as you want, certainly until you can find somewhere else. I'm sure we can be civilised over this.'
I nodded without comment, my heart felt leaden but I knew what had to be done, and, of course, I already did have somewhere else; the studio flat above the showroom would be ideal. It would cost me nothing to live there. All it needed was a bed and a few other small items because I'd already furnished it out with other essentials to work in.
While Alex was away in Athens I began to take some of my stuff over there. In no time at all it became surprisingly habitable and I was ready to move in. So, leaving Alex an explanatory note, I finally closed the door on the Eaton Square flat.
*
Living over the shop, so to speak, turned out to be brilliant; convenient too, with many advantages, longer in bed in the morning plus a saving on bus and taxi fares. Cleo liked it too. She now saw far more of me and soon became a firm favourite with the staff, who spoiled her rotten.
Norman popped in one afternoon about a week later for an update on my progress. By now I'd informed him that Alex and I had split up and that I'd taken over the studio as my current living accommodation.
Just as he was leaving, Alex turned up looking sheepish and forlorn. He and Norman greeted each other cordially, after which Norman made a tactful exit, giving me a reassuring wink as he left.
Alex gave me a halfhearted smile. 'Annabel, can we talk?'
'Not now, Alex, I'm already behind with Norman calling and a client is due any moment. But I could see you this evening.'
'Fine. Then please would you come over to the flat?
CHAPTER 16
It was quite unnerving returning to the flat in Eaton Square. Part of me wanted to be there, yet the rest of me wished I were miles away. I tried to disassociate myself from it, imagining that I was visiting just anybody's flat. But it proved to be harder than I thought it would.
This had been the place Alex and I had once happily shared, intoxicated by our love and desire for one another, it had witnessed scenes of passionate lovemaking everywhere. How could I forget all that?
Alex poured me a glass of red wine as I perched myself stiffly on the arm of the sofa. I couldn’t allow myself to settle too comfortably, not now; this was no longer my home. He handed me the glass gazing at me with his intense dark eyes, eyes that could once make my stomach flip and my heart pound, but now made me decidedly uneasy.
'OK, I have two reasons really why I want to talk to you, Annabel. The first is Lucy's baptism. Vanessa and Rowley have said they would like you and me to be godparents. They obviously don't realise we have split up yet, and to be honest, I am at a loss to know how to explain why we have. I imagine you won't want them to know about your abortion, so up to now I've said nothing, have you?'
'No, I haven't spoken to Vanessa since I phoned her just after the birth. Somehow I couldn't...'
'Sure, I know,' he interrupted, and then paused briefly looking down at his hands. 'Annabel, would it be too awful to ask you to attend the baptism with me in two weeks time, as if we're still a couple?'
'I ... I’m not sure,' I replied uneasily, unable to think of anything else to say. Oh Alex, don't you realise how hard it'll be for us to put on such an act, I thought.
'I'm sure you won't refuse to be a godparent and it would be awkward and take some explaining if we attend separately… if you see what I mean, honey? I'll be grateful if you'll agree ... just for this one occasion?'
For a fleeting moment I wondered what his true motives might be. Whilst I could see it from the point of view he'd just put to me, I questioned whether there could possibly be any other underlying reasons for his request? Did he feel guilty now that he'd allowed his feelings about the abortion to affect our relationship? Does he want to wheedle his way back into my favour again? On the other hand, it was perhaps madness to think Alex would ever climb down and admit shame over the way he'd treated me. That would be totally alien to his proud Greek nature.
In the end I agreed we would attend the baptism together.
‘
Thanks honey. The second thing I want to tell you is that from now on I shall be spending much more time in Athens. We've set up a new holiday charter cruise company based in Piraeus and my father wants me to run it. I don't really want to sell this flat because I'll still need to return here occasionally. Until I got back and found you'd already moved out I
was
going to suggest you might like to stay on after all. In fact you can still come back if you want? That little studio flat must be very cramped.'
'It's fine. I love it.'
'I'll hardly be here now, y'know, honey?'
Then things suddenly registered with me! 'Hang on, Alex! How long have you known about this? Did you know about it when you were being so judgemental with me over the abortion?'
'Well, actually, I knew it was likely. But it had nothing to do with the way I felt.'
I was seething now. 'What! I don't believe it! If you knew then, Alex, why the hell didn't you tell me?' I snapped.
Before he could reply I rattled on querulously. 'For God’s sake, it would have been wonderful if I'd fallen in with your wishes and stayed pregnant wouldn't it? With you swanning off back to Greece all the time! And don't suggest I could have come to live there with you because I wouldn't have!'
'You might have wanted to eventually…'
'Don't be an idiot, Alex! I have a fashion business here in case you'd forgotten. And I'm delighted to say it's beginning to take off really well now. Sorry, but it seems to me everything has to revolve round what
you
do and want in life. For once I did something for me and my God, I'm so glad I did! A fine future I would have had with you.'
I rose purposefully and placed my half empty glass of wine on the coffee table. I'd caught him completely off guard with the truth and he seemed lost for words.
'Right,' he finally uttered. 'You won't want this flat then?'
'No thanks. I'll attend the baptism with you, as agreed, but afterwards we must go our separate ways. If you don't want to explain things to Vanessa, I will.' I turned to go.
'What will you tell her?'
'I'll think of something,' I tossed back. 'Don't worry I won't slate you about your callous treatment of me over the abortion, the fewer people that know about that the better. I'll probably use the new Athens business involvement as a reason ... or something like that.'
He saw me out, mumbling that he would contact me nearer the day of the baptism. I nodded and walked away. I didn't even really want to be a godparent any more, not sharing the job with him! However, I couldn't admit that, not now. The sooner the baptism was over the better.
*
The event, several weeks later, turned out to be quite a pleasant affair after all. With such a large crowd attending it was quite easy to avoid being in Alex's company for long. It was some time later that I finally got around to explaining to Vanessa and Rowley about our split.