“I shall be the envy of all the ladies,” she said. They smiled and escorted her to the dining room.
Cecilia spent that evening either feeling numb to all sensation or in an agony of acute observation wherein everyone seemed happy, save herself, who was in despair. She also marveled at her own increasing ability to conceal her feelings, for no one but her father and uncle seemed to notice anything amiss with her, though her aunt must have guessed at her disappointment.
It is more than a disappointment, she thought as she went upstairs to go to bed, but she had no words for her feelings, so she merely cried herself to sleep. By the time she joined her family for breakfast, she had begun to feel angry. She tried to squash the feeling, however, as this was the last day of the Hookhams’ visit; they were to leave later that afternoon. They spent an agreeable morning; arrangements were made for another visit in August, when they would all visit together at Landsdown and Reddington. An irrational desire washed over her as their carriage drove away, to either run after it, begging them to take her to Greyton, or to shout at them to tell him she cursed the day they met. Instead, she watched them out of sight and followed her mother to the drawing room, where they worked on their gifts for Fanny.
In the following days and weeks, Cecilia kept just as busy. She entertained Mr. Cateret, or rather they kept each other amused, she helped Mrs. Partridge, Polly, and Jane at their works, she rambled about with Felicity, she sewed with her mother, she read and listened to her brother, father, and uncle discuss Landsdown, the navy, the high price of food, and the sorry state of the year’s crops. Mr. Allenby eventually returned home, obviously disappointed he had not made more progress in his attentions to Jane, but as they would visit again next month, he was somewhat mollified. Mr. Cateret, as he used to, seemed to become a part of their family, like another brother, though sometimes he would look at Cecilia in a most unbrotherly way, after which he would usually absent himself for an afternoon, or an evening, only to return as if nothing had occurred.
It was only in the still, lonely nights Cecilia thought of this or of Mr. Thornhill and she began to feel the lack of sleep, as she became more worn down as the month drew to a close. She would lie awake thinking of all the reasons Mr. Thornhill would have refused to return or explain himself: he did not really love her, he regretted his choice, he was false, any number of explanations but the one he had owned to her uncle. It was incomprehensible to her that he would never see her again all because he had faltered in his sense of propriety. She felt certain he would never have taken her to bed when they were not married. Nothing could explain away Miss Benson, though. Even if it was his brother who seduced her, Mr. Thornhill had made a promise and proposed to her knowing he was bound to another. It did not matter now, she supposed, she would either accept ‘Ret, or no one, for she could not bear the thought of loving and being disappointed again.
Near the end of the month, Captain and Mrs. Wilcox moved to Landsdown while Mr. and Mrs. Wilcox, Cecilia, Felicity, and ‘Ret went to London, the former for Fanny’s wedding and the latter to return to his home and prepare for his travels. Mrs. Wilcox was none too pleased with her niece’s presence, but her husband insisted, both to cheer Cecilia and to give this pleasure to his niece, who grew melancholy, missing the variety and excitement of her former home in India. Both ‘Ret and Cecilia were worn by their time together, for ‘Ret it was increasingly difficult to pretend he did not love Cecilia fervently, while for Cecilia it was increasingly difficult to convince herself she did. She wanted to love him as she had before she met Mr. Thornhill. For a brief while she wanted to punish Mr. Thornhill by declaring her love and devotion to ‘Ret, but she could not.
However much she wanted to, however much she cared for ‘Ret, she could not love him as she had, the way he wished her to. Her only consolations, aside from her family, were that ‘Ret would go away, though this also pained her, for she did appreciate his company, and the fact that she could perhaps discover the truth about Miss Benson. ‘Ret had agreed to go to Mrs. Brown’s and try to speak with her, or convince Mrs. Brown to press her guest for the truth.
The Wilcoxes did not see much of Mr. Cateret the first days of their visit. It was rumored he resumed his former ways about town, but Cecilia trusted he was fulfilling his promise to speak to Mrs. Brown and Miss Benson about Mr. Thornhill. With her aunt Higham, they attended Fanny’s wedding, which was much like her sister’s, though a little more lavish and without the uncomfortable distractions Cecilia had felt. For the first time in many years, Cecilia began to like her aunt Higham, for she now saw her care of her daughter and even of herself. Mrs. Higham refrained from mentioning Mr. Thornhill and Cecilia soon realized after a few meetings with her aunt’s London friends that she had not spread any tales of Cecilia or her suitors. Cecilia actually looked forward to her aunt’s accompanying them back to Middleton House next week; she was certainly able at distracting Mrs. Wilcox, which Cecilia greatly appreciated. Cecilia had forgotten how well her aunt, mother, and father got on together and was amused and touched to see the three talking away, sharing old anecdotes and jokes.
The afternoon after Fanny’s wedding, Cecilia was listening to them having just such a time, when Mr. Cateret called for her. Knowing his errand for Cecilia, Mr. Wilcox consented to ‘Ret’s request to walk with her and Felicity in the park. As they ambled over to the tree-lined square, ‘Ret confirmed that he had spoken to Mrs. Brown, but Miss Benson was too weak and close to her time to be pressed for details on such a painful subject.
“Thank you, ‘Ret, for trying.” Cecilia sighed, looking about the park she had strolled in with Mr. Thornhill.
“I was happy to perform some task for you, as I have been this last month. May I not ask some small reward?” he asked, glancing at her, his eyes full of desire and yearning. Cecilia stared ahead and was startled to see Miss Nefton and her intended, Captain Shaunessey, approaching them. Greetings and introductions were exchanged and Miss Nefton deftly maneuvered Cecilia to her side, as the gentlemen fell in step behind them, flanking Felicity, whose hearty laughter rang out.
“I was sorry to hear my cousin’s news, Miss Wilcox. I suppose it is impolite of me to speak of it, but I only wished to tell you I think he is being a fool. He was not specific, of course, but my father and I were very disappointed he desisted in his suit for you. Though perhaps it is as well for you, if the looks of your companion mirror your own feelings. I am sorry, I have no call to speak to you so, I truly only want to assure you I would wish to continue our acquaintance, whatever the circumstances between my cousin and yourself,” Miss Nefton finished breathlessly; Cecilia had never thought to see her so perturbed. It also disturbed her that clearly Miss Nefton knew nothing about Miss Benson. Perhaps Mr. Thornhill was a liar.
“I thank you, Miss Nefton, I should be happy if we might correspond. I too was disappointed in your cousin’s decision, but, as I am sure you are aware, there is nothing I can, in all propriety, do about it. As to my companion, his feelings are not reflective of my own. He is a good friend of my brother’s. I have known him for many years and I do care for him very much. I admit I once fancied I felt more for him, but I was wrong. There, now we have both said more than we ought.”
The two smiled at each other, and, after agreeing to write each other soon, went back to their respective companions and politely parted company. ‘Ret appeared tired and so Cecilia asked if he would mind sitting for a moment on a bench they had passed. Felicity walked on, studying the skies. As they sat, he ran his hands through his hair and sighed.
“Will you tell me honestly, Cecilia, if Mr. Thornhill walked into the park right now and asked you to go with him, would you? Would you leave me here alone?” he asked, pain writ in his bright eyes.
Cecilia could not answer, for if she did, she would have to say yes, and she could not bring herself to do so. The tears which shone in her eyes must have told ‘Ret the truth well enough and he sighed again, a deep, despairing heave.
“Yet you must love me enough not to answer. Perhaps I will have to make that enough,” he said, more to himself than Cecilia. “I still hope, you know, for you have not told me otherwise.” He smiled ruefully. “Shall we? We are to meet again this evening at the Countess Sini-Masala’s ball, I understand.”
Cecilia nodded with a quick smile and he escorted her and Felicity back to Mrs. Higham’s.
Chapter Twenty-Two
F
elicity and Cecilia joined her parents and aunt in the carriage some hours later. Sitting across from her parents, Cecilia watched her father’s animated face as he conversed with the two sisters about the acquaintances they hoped to encounter that evening. It was rumored to be a large affair and Mrs. Wilcox insisted Cecilia wear her newest gown, the white muslin she had worn to Lord Nefton’s dance the night Mr. Thornhill had proposed to her. Cecilia smoothed the folds of the skirt and a stab of pain shot through her as she thought of how wrong things had gone since that evening and even in the recollection of the evening itself. However, her mother would not be refused and Cecilia would not elaborate her reasons. Her mother’s motivation was known to all: enable Cecilia and Felicity to catch the attention of some wealthy and titled gentlemen.
Indeed, Cecilia caught the eye of many, much to the chagrin of her father and Mr. Cateret. He was already a little despondent and had perhaps spent too much time before the ball in his drawing room with the decanter. Cecilia was beautiful, like the angel he thought of her as, but he soon recalled the evening he had first seen her in her white gown and they were not pleasant recollections. Still, he was charming and perhaps too much so, for though he danced with Cecilia and was attentive to her, he soon fell back into his flirting ways, for it gave him solace to be adored, especially when the one he wished would do so did not.
Cecilia liked the dancing, but the party was very crowded and she was disturbed by ‘Ret’s flirting and the appearance of Miss Latimer, who was rumored to have left her family for the newly married Mr. Mainmount, who was also in attendance. Her mother and aunt had been full of the news, though Cecilia ignored most of their talk. Cecilia almost felt sorry for his bride, Miss Mary Cavendish as was, though why she would have accepted Mr. Mainmount was a mystery, when the two had shown no interest in each other at the Mainmounts’ dinner party three months before.
Cecilia was soon distracted by the renewed acquaintance of the Mountbanks, who fell into easy conversation with the Wilcoxes. Captain Mountbank seemed very pleased with her company, as well as Felicity’s, and they danced twice and enjoyed several lively conversations. Her composure was ruffled, though, when he asked if they would have the pleasure of her company at Mr. Thornhill’s house party the next week. She reddened and replied they would not be able to attend after all. Captain Mountbank raised an eyebrow at this, but neither said more on the subject. Both knew he would find out more details soon enough from a more appropriate source.
As she finished a set with the Captain, Mr. Mainmount approached and asked her hand for the next. She accepted, surprising herself and Mr. Mainmount. Cecilia still held him in contempt, but as he acted a gentleman here, she would treat him as such.
“Miss Wilcox, may I say you look more beautiful than ever this evening?” Cecilia smiled her thanks as he continued. “I hope you will allow me again to apologize for my behavior. It was most ungentlemanlike and I am sorry if I caused you pain.”
“Thank you, sir. My own behavior was not above reproach, which I regret.”
“You ought have no regrets on that score. I enjoyed your company and it is I who rue how events transpired. However, where I have lost, I hope my friend may have won,” he said, glancing at ‘Ret, who stood speaking to Miss Latimer and Felicity, who would no doubt be in for a scold from her aunt later.
“Your friend need not win my attention, it seems. He is otherwise occupied, as you see.”
“Yes, though no doubt he bores them with talk of you. I hope you will be more forgiving if he falters than you were of myself.”
“I would say you had fallen rather than faltered, sir. I hope your friend will not do the same.” Before Mr. Mainmount could reply, ‘Ret appeared in front of them, his eyes fiery and frowning.
“I cannot imagine what business you could have with Miss Wilcox.”
“Merely an apology and my good wishes for her future happiness, old friend. I believe I will excuse myself and take your place with those two charming ladies,” Mr. Mainmount replied, with a bow and, if Cecilia was not mistaken, a wink.
“I must speak with you,” ‘Ret whispered, gripping her arm. He took her to a corner where they might speak, though not with much privacy, for the room was filled with dancing, talking, and laughter. “Do you try to throw me into the pit of despair or did your mother tell you to pay your regards to every eligible gentleman in the room?” ‘Ret hissed, his face twisted in anger.
“Do you try to insult me or have you taken leave of your senses? I have done nothing untoward, sir, though one cannot say the same of you or the company you keep.”
“Yes, I am quite mad, you see. It would drive any man so to be a Tantalus, having what he desires always within reach, but ever out of his grasp.”
“You have me in yours, and I ask you to let go my arm.”
“Miss Wilcox, Mr. Cateret,” their hostess said when she appeared beside them with a young man who seemed familiar--tall, straw colored hair, eyes like a green-blue pond… “May I introduce Mr. Gregory Thornhill?”
Had ‘Ret not been supporting her arm, she might have crumpled to the floor as greetings were exchanged. Her sense was also maintained by the increasing pressure of ‘Ret’s fingers digging into her skin.
“May I have this dance?” Mr. Gregory asked.
Cecilia nodded and he whisked her from Mr. Cateret.
Unlike his brother, Mr. Gregory Thornhill was a graceful dancer, but his touch disturbed her. Where Greyton was powerful, calm, though possessing an undertow, Mr. Gregory, while equally powerful, struck her as a whirlpool, a quick, destructive force.
“Your brother was most concerned for you,” she said as they came together in the steps.
He chuckled. “His valet Jennings brought me to task and dragged me home like a disobedient schoolboy.”
Cecilia bit her lip as they circled around. Her forehead throbbed with her unanswered questions.
“Should you not be at Mrs. Brown’s?” she asked when they faced each other again.
He laughed. “I see why my brother…do I not deserve a night of freedom before I am imprisoned?”
“What do you mean, sir?”
“I must marry Miss Benson.”
Cecilia stopped, blinking at her partner. He grasped her arm and led her off the floor. Words lodged in her throat and she shook her head, hoping to loose them.
“Yes, it was I. Had Mr. Cateret not discovered her, none of you would have found out.”
“Do not blame him,” Cecilia said, her cheeks blazing. Mr. Gregory’s eyes sparkled, it seemed with mirth, which only urged her further. “You…and your brother. He made promises to me he knew were false and duplicitous.”
“Is it wrong for a man to hope?”
“That answers nothing--”
“I know who you are, sir,” ‘Ret said. He grabbed Cecilia’s arm again. His scent was somehow sour, as was his tone. “Leave Miss Wilcox alone.”
Mr. Gregory bowed and smirked before disappearing into the crowd.
“I was speaking to him,” Cecilia said, trying to wriggle her arm free.
“You ought speak to me,” ‘Ret said, pulling her closer.
His glazed, half-wild stare caused her to shrink back.
“Tell me you love me, dearest. You have said it before, I only wish to hear those sweet words once more.”
“I care for you, but you are not yourself, will you not go home?” Cecilia asked. She wrested herself from his grip and glanced around. Her father approached, his loping gait more pronounced in his haste.
“I am myself, only you do not care for me, not as I am. Good evening,” ‘Ret said, bowing to her and then her father as Mr. Wilcox reached his daughter’s side.
As they took their leave, Cecilia noticed ‘Ret and Mr. Mainmount leave the room by another door with Miss Latimer and another pretty woman. She could guess what they were about and she felt utterly ill to think of it, not only for the impropriety of it, but also because ‘Ret was right, she did not care for that side of him.
While she lay in bed later, trying to fall asleep, she thought of ‘Ret and felt guilty she could not love him as he wanted; perhaps if she did she could save him from all the wrong he might do. Yet, as she had told Mr. Mainmount before, reforming was not in her character, nor was she sure ‘Ret, or any man, could be reformed who seemed so set in his ways. Though it seemed to her she had better chance of helping ‘Ret, who was open in his failings, unlike Mr. Thornhill, who chose to conceal them.
Next morning, she felt in need of a walk in the fresh air to clear her mind. It was early still and few were about, so Cecilia decided she and Felicity could enjoy a walk in the park opposite her aunt’s home. The air was chill, but invigorating; instead of helping her solve her troubles, however, she merely forgot them in studying the swaying trees and the few birds which hung in flight about them. Felicity had been oddly silent during their trip, but Cecilia did not feel like conversing either, so she did not question her cousin’s mood.
As they crossed the road to return to Mrs. Higham’s, a carriage stopped in front of Mr. Cateret’s home. Curious, she paused. Mr. Mainmount helped a very ill looking ‘Ret from the step. He tripped and both Cecilia and Felicity rushed to his side. Cecilia, however, stopped seeing the wrathful expression Mr. Mainmount turned on her. He sent a footman inside with ‘Ret, who appeared nearly insensible. Cecilia stood still in shock and mortification, while Felicity had accompanied ‘Ret up the steps.
“Will he be well, sir?” Cecilia whispered.
“He would be better if you would stop dangling him about.”
“Do you blame me for his improprieties?” Cecilia met his challenging eyes.
“Yes, I do. My brother would do better if you would either accept him or completely reject him,” Mr. Mainmount spat out; she had never seen him so angry.
“I…” Cecilia began, pausing when she realized what he had called ‘Ret. “Your brother? What…” Before she could finish, Mr. Mainmount interrupted her.
“He is like a brother,” he whispered, his face glowering red. “Go back to your aunt’s, miss, there is nothing you can do here. Good morning.” Mr. Mainmount turned from her to enter Mr. Cateret’s door.
Cecilia, with Felicity beside her, hurried into Mrs. Higham’s, where they were in time to breakfast with her parents. She was able to compose herself, though she did not eat much, as she puzzled over Mr. Mainmount’s words. They all spent the morning in the drawing room, her father writing letters while her mother and aunt gossiped over the previous evening’s party. Cecilia was relieved they required nothing of her; the two would dissect everything first before asking her any questions. Cecilia sat holding a book, but she was not reading. She faced Felicity, who sat, also holding a book, on the seat next to her.
“Did you hear what he said to me?” Cecilia whispered.
“Yes, and I agree with him.” Felicity’s expression was strangely weary.
“Why have you said nothing before?”
“You did not ask and I did not think you would listen to me in any event.”
“I had not known they were so close. It was strange he called him brother.”
“You are amazingly simple sometimes. Perhaps you and ‘Ret would not suit after all. You could never really understand him.” Felicity shook her head.
“And you do?” Cecilia edged toward her cousin, trying to fathom Felicity’s meaning.
“Yes, for while the three of us share many traits, you are full innocent and care more for decorum than you will admit.”
“Do I?” Cecilia answered and turned back to her book. If Felicity knew what she wished to do, she would not say so. By the time her mother and aunt inquired after her evening and how she had found Captain Mountbank or Mr. Gottersham, she knew what she must do.
Cecilia wondered how she could contrive to meet ‘Ret, for she must speak with him. In the late afternoon, Cecilia decided she had best speak to Felicity about what she planned, but she was stopped by the announcement of Mr. Cateret. He looked much better than he had this morning, though he was still haggard and his eyes showed such dejection that Cecilia’s heart hurt for him. She would relieve his suffering, as best she could.
Fortunately, her mother and aunt were out calling; her father sat reading the paper while Felicity wrote letters at the desk. After greetings were made, Mr. Cateret sat on the sofa with Cecilia, where she mended a glove.
“Cecilia, I am terribly sorry and ashamed of myself. I know I ask too much, but can you forgive me? Truly, I will change, please believe me.” He sat close to her, their knees almost touching. Only a few months before, she would have nearly swooned at such attention, but no longer.
“I forgive you, ‘Ret. If you can change, I will be glad of it. It is I who owes you an apology, for I have led you to believe I love you and I might accept you when I do not and I cannot.” She kept her focus on her mending.
“You do not mean that, you are only angry with me, as you have every right to be. Do not let your temper rule you again. You know you have regretted it before.”
Cecilia set the glove on her lap and faced ‘Ret. “I do not speak out of anger, I assure you. I tell you it was merely a girlish fancy that I thought myself in love with you. I do not love you. I am sorry to have used you in my disappointment over Mr. Thornhill, it was very wrong of me. I hope you will forget me and find happiness in your travels,” Cecilia said, locking her eyes on his with a determined air. He studied her face and gazed at her with dismay and despair.