A Girl Called Blue (9 page)

‘Do you think about Jess?’ asked Lil, her head bent, a look of concentration on her thin face as she sewed a rip in a white cotton blouse.

How could she explain how she felt? Blue knew she would never forget Jess, no matter how long she lived.

‘She was my best friend,’ was all she said.

‘I miss her too,’ Lil sighed, cutting a piece of thread with her teeth.

The two of them had been assigned to laundry duty, a job Blue absolutely detested. The warm autumn weather taunted them while they were stuck in the stuffy laundry room for hours, sorting and folding clean, dry clothes, matching socks, re-fixing loose buttons. Lil liked sewing and was good at mending while Blue kept pricking herself with the needle and could barely sew on a button.

‘It’s not fair, us stuck up here,’ she complained. ‘We should be outside, playing in the yard.’

Lil just shrugged her shoulders and kept on sewing. The work had to be done and somebody had to do it.

Blue stood over by the narrow window and noticed the sky
suddenly blacken as a heavy shower of rain begin to fall. It was a huge downpour.

‘Quick, Lil, help me close the window before we’re drowned.’

They pulled the window closed and watched a stampede from the yard down below as the girls all ran in screaming from the lashing rain. Even the nuns were running to get out of it, their heavy habits and veils soaked.

Fifteen minutes later Sister Carmel pushed her way into the laundry room and hung two wet habits on the large drying frame.

‘Poor Sister Regina and Sister Agnes are drenched to the skin,’ she explained. ‘Leave those clothes to dry there overnight. I’m going to run baths for them.’

She spread the two habits on the wooden drying bars and hoisted them up overhead. Not bothering to check the girls’ work, she rushed out of the room.

Lil kept on sewing. Glancing upwards, Blue could hardly believe her good fortune. Above them, almost hidden in the dripping black material, she spotted the glint of silver keys. The keys to the office! It was exactly the opportunity she had been waiting for. Immediately she grabbed the pulley and began to lower the frame.

‘What are you doing?’

‘The keys, Lil! Look, The Crow has left her keys.’

‘What do you want her keys for?’ asked Lil, appalled.

‘This is my chance, my only chance to get into her office and find my file. There’s nobody around. You heard what Sister
Carmel said, they’re going to be out of the way.’

They all knew Sister Regina guarded her office like a fortress, the silver keys always attached to the narrow leather belt she wore strung around her waist, hidden in the folds of her long black habit. With her beady eyes and sharp face, she had earned her nickname. She constantly watched everything that happened. The orphanage was her domain and she made sure that everybody knew it and that nobody dared to cross her. Even the other nuns bowed and scraped and were ill at ease when she was around.

Sister Regina had ignored Blue’s constant requests for information about her parents and her family.

‘We’ve told you time and time again that your mother was a poor country girl who handed you into our care, child. There’s nothing more to be said on the matter,’ was all the nun would say.

Now, the actual key to so many questions was lying in the palm of her hand. Blue just had to use it.

‘Come on, Lil. You’ve got to help me. I must find out about my mother. I don’t want to be like Jess.’ She had told Lil all about Eileen.

Lil’s face paled, her brown eyes nervous and scared. ‘You’ll get caught. You know she’ll catch you. ’

‘She won’t,’ insisted Blue. ‘We have the keys and all I have to do is slip into her office. No one will know.’

Blue stood up, abandoning her sewing on the bench.

‘Oh, God!’ said Lil, who hated getting into trouble.

‘Come on, hurry up.’

The narrow corridor was quiet, the rest of the house busy at
other things. Outside the office door Blue took the keys from her pocket, trying to guess which one would fit. The first, the second; no, they didn’t fit.

‘Oh Heavenly Mother pray for us, we’ll be caught,’ murmured Lil, all agitated and upset.

‘Will you shush up or someone will hear you,’ hissed Blue, trying another key.

This time it fitted. It was a bit stiff, but she managed to turn it and the door opened.

‘Come on, Lil.’

‘I can’t do it, Blue. I just can’t.’

Blue could tell her friend was petrified. She looked like she was about to faint or get sick.

‘Then stand guard outside,’ she ordered. ‘If she comes – sing, whistle, knock on the wall.’

‘I’ll warn you,’ assured Lil loyally.

Blue closed the door behind her. She knew the room well. How often had she stood in front of the mahogany desk, knees quaking, in trouble yet again with the head nun? She knew the swirls and colours and pattern of the rug on the floor from staring at it so often, trying to concentrate on it rather than the accusing eyes of her tormentor who was handing out another punishment or delivering another lecture to her on her behaviour. This time the carved chair was empty and the room still. A pile of letters and paperwork covered the desk. She turned towards the grey filing cabinet in the corner. That was where the documents were kept. She’d seen the nun getting her file out of it often enough. She
grabbed the handle of the top drawer. It wouldn’t budge. None of the drawers would. Then she noticed the tiny lock up in the right hand corner of the cabinet. There had to be a key for it somewhere. Maybe it would be on the desk? She’d have to disturb everything to find it. She was just about to move the letters when she remembered the key ring. There was a tiny silver key on it, too small for a door, but maybe it would fit the cabinet? She turned it gently and felt the cabinet unlock.

Everything was filed alphabetically. She was in here somewhere.

O … O’Brien, O’Connor, O’Hara, then she found it: O’Malley. Her name. She pulled out the brown cardboard file. Bernadette Lourdes Una O’Malley was written across the top of it. There were pages of it. She began to leaf through it. Vaccination record. Health record. School Attendance record. Family – where was the family bit, the bit she wanted? Then she saw it: mother’s name. Her breath froze in her throat, just wanting to see it. Then the shock and utter disbelief at the words:

Mother’s name: unknown.

There must be some mistake. The Crow had hidden it from her.

She scanned the page up and down.

Family address: unknown.

Home address: unknown.

Place of birth: unknown.

Contact address: unknown.

Blue sat down at the desk, pulling the chair up as she ran her
fingers along the line of print. There had to be some mistake. Maybe the nun put this kind of thing deliberately in the file to prevent the children finding out who they were? She grabbed another file from the cabinet. Anne O’Hara’s. She searched it.

Place of birth: the Rotunda Hospital, Dublin.

Mother’s name: Jean, unmarried.

There was even a family address.

Blue swallowed hard. She pushed Anne’s file aside and spread out her own one. Midway through it she found pieces of newspaper. She opened them. It was a newspaper story from twelve, almost thirteen, years ago, about a baby found in a disused building. Checking the date at the top of the
Evening Press,
she realised that it was her own birthday.

She read the headlines over again, about an abandoned baby suffering from exposure found wrapped in a blue blanket in an empty building.

She shook her head, not wanting to believe the awful story. This was not what she’d expected. She blinked back the tears as she studied the photo of the Garda sergeant who had found her. She had wanted the truth and now here it was, the truth of who she really was.

There were other clippings: a medical report from the children’s hospital, the search for the unidentified mother. There was no mother found, the clippings made that clear. There was no family to discover. She had been abandoned. She was a nobody. A nothing!

She sat at the desk for what seemed like hours, not moving, not
believing what was in front of her. Then she heard it from far off – the bell for tea. She felt tired, as if all the energy and life had drained out of her. She was too weak even to stand up and move.

‘Blue!’ The voice disturbed her.

She remembered Lil, standing outside waiting for her. She got up slowly and took her file and placed it back in the exact same spot. She had promised Lil she would check if there was an address for her mother. She searched and found the name Hennessy.

Mother resettled in London.
It gave an address.

Signed away right to children and does not want any contact.

She pushed the file back. Closing the cabinet, she locked it and made her way to the door and out to the corridor, remembering to turn the key behind her.

‘Well?’ asked Lil, full of curiosity. ‘Did you find it?’

‘I found it.’

‘Well, go on, what was in it?’

‘Not much. About school, here, but not much else!’

‘What about your family, your mother? It must have said something?’

‘Unknown. Mother unknown. That’s all it said.’

‘No name, address? Nothing?’

She shook her head slowly. ‘Nothing.’

‘I’m so sorry, Blue,’ said Lil, squeezing her hand, ‘it was just a waste of time then!’

‘Yep.’

‘Did you get any chance to see was there anything about me, my family?’

‘I checked your file, Lily, but it had no address for your mother,’ lied Blue. ‘It just said unknown.’

‘I wasn’t really expecting anything,’ admitted Lil. ‘Honest, I wasn’t.’

‘Come on, I’d better get the keys back before the old Crow discovers they’re missing. Let’s go down to tea.’

They had just turned into the laundry when they were greeted by the sight of Sister Carmel waiting for them. She held Sister Regina’s black habit in her hand.

‘Sister Regina has mislaid her keys. Have you seen them?’

Lil flushed as red as a tomato, her eyes jumping guiltily towards Blue.

Blue cursed herself, wishing she had never made the mistake of touching the stupid keys. They were in her hand. She could feel them.

‘I found them, Sister,’ she lied. ‘I was going to give them back to Sister Regina but I couldn’t find her. They must have fallen out of her pocket on to the ground here, near the basket of mending.’

Sister Carmel looked relieved. ‘I’m sure she’ll be glad to get them back.’

‘Phew!’ gasped Lil and Blue in unison as the nun disappeared out into the corridor.

They had just gone upstairs that night and were about to get ready for bed when Sister Carmel called them.

‘Sister Regina wants the two of you in her office immediately.’

Lil looked scared and Blue got a sinking feeling in her stomach. They walked down the big stairs slowly, too frightened to say a word to each other, Blue terrified that her friend would blurt out what she had done.

She knocked on the door.

‘Enter.’ Sister Regina was sitting at her desk, a fire blazing in the grate of her study.

‘Do you know why I have called the two of you here tonight?’ she asked.

They both shook their heads.

‘I think you both know why already.’ Her mouth turned up, in a pretend smile, her small teeth like sharp fangs.

Lil gave a gasp.

‘Some thieves broke into my study today.’ The nun raised her voice. ‘Trespassed in my room, and hoped I wouldn’t discover it.’

Blue swallowed hard. Perhaps she was just fishing, trying to
push them to tell her something she didn’t really know. She prayed that Lil would keep quiet and not say a word.

‘Look what I found on the floor!’ She pushed a piece of paper across the desk.

Lil stared at it blankly, but Blue let out a shuddering breath. It was the photo from the newspaper of the Garda sergeant. It must have fallen out of her file.

‘Lil has nothing to do with it,’ she owned up, her voice saying the words. ‘I was the one who came into your study, not her. She had absolutely nothing to do with it.’

Lil cast Blue a look of utter gratitude as the nun sent her out of the room.

Blue stood there, fear like a huge wave washing over her as Sister Regina took the long leather strap from her sleeve. ‘Always in trouble! Any time there is boldness or mischief,
you
are involved. Always the rule breaker! What did you try to steal this time?’

‘I’m not a thief,’ Blue protested. ‘I didn’t steal anything, I swear, Sister.’

The nun wouldn’t listen, didn’t believe her.

‘I didn’t take anything from your office. I just looked at my file, that’s all,’ she pleaded. ‘It’s
my
file.’

‘Hold out your hands!’ the nun ordered.

Blue’s arms and hands and fingers began to quiver and shake, no matter how hard she tried to control them and keep them steady.

‘Keep still!’

Blue was determined not to break down or cry or beg like some of the girls did. She wasn’t going to give the nun the satisfaction of that. She looked down at the floor, trying to get her breath, as Sister Regina lifted the heavy leather strap and brought it down on the open palms of her hands. She almost cried out with shock but gritted her teeth as the stinging pain began.

One, two, three …

She counted the first few strokes of the leather but as the pain began to wash over her she lost track. She closed her eyes, trying to imagine she was someplace else and that her hands were not connected to her body. The magic wouldn’t work, and she could feel her fingers, wrists, knuckles and skin burn as the strap kept coming down on her flesh. She opened her eyes and looked at the nun, her features twisted with temper, her normally pale cheeks flushed with the effort of using the strap. Blue caught at her arm and tried to push her away. She wasn’t a thief and she wasn’t going to take any more of this.

‘Let go of me!’ she said, shoving as hard as she could. But the nun, angrier now, grabbed hold of Blue’s shoulder and thrust her forward, forcing her to bend over. Feeling dizzy, Blue stumbled towards the roasting fire and the burning grate, her skin sticking to the hot black metal; the screams came from somewhere deep inside her.

‘Get up! Get up!’ the nun ordered.

She stood up automatically. The pain was so bad she could barely speak. It felt like her knee was on fire. The tips of her fingers and palms of her hand were so sore she couldn’t bend them.

The nun pushed her down into an armchair as Sister Carmel rushed in.

‘My God, what’s happened?’ asked Sister Carmel.

‘She’s all right. She just fell.’

‘Sister, I think we should call an ambulance,’ urged Sister Carmel, who had bent down to look at Blue’s knee.

‘That won’t be necessary,’ replied Sister Regina icily. ‘The child isn’t that badly injured.’

‘She has a burn,’ insisted the other nun, her cheeks flaring. ‘It could be second- or third-degree. The wounds will get infected. She needs to be seen at a hospital.’

Blue felt shaky and sick as the two women in black argued about her.

‘I don’t believe her injuries are that serious,’ said the older nun.

‘She is a child in our care, our responsibility. If it’s a bad burn she may well be scarred. I urge you to send her for proper medical treatment.’

Blue wanted to crawl into bed and get away from both of them. She wanted to escape the pain and the strange feeling of weakness that was overwhelming her and the fear that she might throw up all over the good carpet.

‘Look at her!’ shouted Sister Carmel.

‘Oh, very well,’ the head nun gave in. ‘I will phone for a taxicab to take her.’

‘I’ll go with her,’ volunteered the younger nun, concern in her voice.

‘No, Sister. You are needed here. Sister Agnes will escort her,’
insisted the head nun as she began to dial a phone number.

Sister Carmel passed Blue a look of pity. They all knew that Sister Agnes, the dour-faced, middle-aged nun, was Sister Regina’s lackey. She had no feeling for the children in her care and spent most of her time in chapel praying for their souls.

Blue could scarcely remember the journey. She sat, slumped, in the back seat in the darkness, as the driver took them to the busy children’s hospital. Sister Carmel had put a warm blanket around her, for no matter what Blue did she couldn’t stop her teeth chattering and her body shaking. Sister Agnes remained silent and when they stepped inside the door of the brightly lit hospital went up and spoke to the porter on duty at the desk in low tones. The bench where they waited was hard and uncomfortable. Blue just wanted to lie down and sleep.

‘Bernadette O’Malley,’ called a voice and when Blue lifted her head, a young nurse with light blond hair and blue eyes came towards her.

Blue tried to stand up.

‘Don’t you move, chicken, I’ll fetch a wheelchair,’ said the nurse warmly.

Sister Agnes offered to accompany her but was firmly rejected by the young nurse.

‘You just sit there and wait, Sister. I’ll come back in a while and let you know how Bernadette is doing.’ The nurse smiled as she helped Blue into the wheelchair.

Blue found herself being wheeled into a long room with lots of narrow beds divided by curtains, where doctors and nurses
examined their young patients. The nurse helped her up on to the tall bed and unwrapped the blanket.

‘Oh, you poor thing!’ she gasped when she saw her leg and her hands. ‘How in heaven’s name did this happen?’

Blue said nothing, She just stared at the ceiling, feeling sick just remembering it. As if reading her mind, the nurse immediately passed her a metal bowl.

The nurse took her temperature and felt her pulse, then settled her with a few pillows and a pink towelling hospital blanket, talking to her all the time.

‘You are in shock, pet, that’s why you’re shaky and sick. It’s only normal. You’ve had a bad burn and the doctor needs to see it and decide on your treatment.’

Blue just nodded, not trusting herself to speak lest she broke down and cried.

‘Would you like me to send in your friend, that nun that was with you, to sit and wait with you?’

Blue shook her head vigorously. The nurse stared at her.

‘No!’ Blue said finally, the word jumping out of her shaking lips.

‘I see. Have you someone – family – a relation you’d like me to contact?’

Blue swallowed hard. ‘I live at Larch Hill, the children’s home. ’

The nurse’s face filled with pity. ‘Then I’ll sit with you and keep you company till the doctor’s ready to examine you.’

Blue sat with the nurse, wishing the pain would go away and thinking that the nurse was the prettiest girl she’d ever seen in her
life; with her blond hair and blue eyes and soft lips, she looked just like a doll.

‘Bernadette!’

The nurse was calling her awake. The doctor was tall and slim, with a thin black moustache. He wore a white coat and dark, horn-rimmed glasses.

‘Now, let me see what we have here,’ he said, gently lifting up the blanket from her legs. Blue winced.

The doctor peered down at the swollen red skin. Bits of it were already peeling away. It hurt like hell.

‘Bernadette, I’ll try not to hurt you but you have a very bad burn in the area around your knee joint and upper leg. The tissue is still burning deep down and we need to irrigate it, then clean and dress it.’

Blue drew back, not wanting anyone to touch it.

‘Nurse Ryan will give you an injection for the pain. Now, let me see your fingers and hands.’

Slowly she lifted her hands and opened them for him to see. Her fingers looked like swollen sausages cooking in the pan and the palms of her hands were raw and weeping.

‘I see,’ he said studying her hands closely. ‘How in God’s name did you manage to do this? Did you fall into a fire or an oven or something? What kind of accident was this?’

Blue shut her lips, too afraid to say anything. She could see Nurse Ryan shaking her head.

‘Where are Bernadette’s parents? I want to speak to them!’ he demanded.

Blue sat on the bed, miserable and scared.

‘Excuse me, sir, the child is from Larch Hill.’

A look of sympathy crossed the doctor’s face. He told the nurse to give Blue something for the pain and promised he’d be back in a few minutes.

Blue closed her eyes as Nurse Ryan prepared the injection.

‘Bernadette, you don’t have to be scared. Honest you don’t. No one is going to get cross or blame you here. We see lots of kids with scalds and burns. Kids will be kids. Were you just messing, was that it?’

Blue felt like she was going to cry with the kindness and gentleness of the voice.

‘How did you burn yourself?’ the nurse continued. ‘We need to know. I have to fill in this big form here. That’s how we learn about things that are dangerous or cause accidents. It’s part of our job here in the hospital.’

Blue couldn’t say it, wouldn’t say it. She was too afraid.

‘It was an accident? Wasn’t it?’

Blue stayed silent.

‘Did someone hurt you, or harm you, Bernadette?’ asked the nurse softly.

Blue could feel her throat swell up. She wanted to say how scared she’d been, to tell the truth of what really happened, but she knew in her heart she didn’t dare.

The doctor came back in and pulled a chair right up close to the bed and sat down on it. Nurse Ryan fetched a trolley with bowls and basins and metal instruments.

‘You look at me, Bernadette, and I’ll keep hold of your hand while Doctor Lynch deals with your burns.’ Her smile disappeared when she looked at the red stripes and marks of the leather strap on Blue’s hands. She stroked the girl’s head instead, gently brushing her hair back from her face with her fingers.

‘I’ll try not to hurt,’ Doctor Lynch promised.

The injection was beginning to take effect and the awful pain began to recede. The doctor and nurse worked for what seemed like hours. They put creams and dressings on her leg and knee and her hands. She was kind of numb now, the pain far away.

‘I’d like to admit you to a ward so we can keep an eye on you tonight,’ said the doctor. ‘Would that be all right?’

Blue felt a sense of panic despite Nurse Ryan’s assurances that they had a space upstairs ready and waiting for her, and would give her something to make her sleep.

‘I’ll talk to that nun outside,’ said the doctor firmly. ‘Anyway, there are one or two things I want to ask her about.’

Blue wanted to jump off the bed and run away, but she felt too weak and shivery to do it. Tears welled in her eyes as he closed the curtains and left.

‘Don’t cry, Bernadette,’ Nurse Ryan said. ‘It’s not your fault. You’ll feel much better tomorrow when you’ve had a sleep and got over the shock. I promise the night nurses in the ward upstairs will take good care of you. Just ring the bell if you’re in pain.’

Tears ran down Blue’s face and she felt like she couldn’t breathe. Sister Regina would kill her, torture her, banish her from all the friends she cared about if she told these people about her.
She began to shake, wanting to tell Nurse Ryan all about what had happened, have the kind nurse hold her and protect her.

Suddenly the curtains drew back. Sister Agnes was standing there. ‘I came to check on the child.’

‘Bernadette is being admitted tonight, Sister. I believe Doctor Lynch explained it all to you,’ said the nurse, standing up tall and looking straight at the nun.

‘She’s a troublesome child, clumsy and awkward,’ said the old nun. ‘It would be much better for everyone if I took her back to the home with me tonight. We can look after her in St Brigid’s. We have an infirmary there, and the nursing assistant will be on duty tomorrow.’

‘Sister, I have to follow Doctor Lynch’s orders,’ the girl replied firmly. ‘Bernadette is his patient. She might need to be put up on fluids during the night and require more pain medication. He will want to check her during rounds tomorrow morning. I assure you she will be well taken care of in Saint Raphael’s ward.’

Blue could see the warning glint in the nun’s eyes. She didn’t take defeat easily, but there was absolutely nothing she could do. A porter arrived to move Blue’s bed upstairs.

‘I’m sorry, Sister, but I have to move my patient,’ said Nurse Ryan. ‘I’m afraid I can’t let you up to the ward as some of the children will already be asleep but you are welcome to check on Bernadette tomorrow when she will probably be discharged.’

The nun fussed and delayed for a minute or two. ‘Remember, child, Sister Regina and I will see you tomorrow,’ she finally said to Blue.

Blue understood the threat in her voice, and lay back on the bed, silent. She had absolutely nothing to say. Nothing.