“I’ve made a throng of acquaintances, but no one close, yet, other than Arlen. Given my new role, I’m being careful and taking it slowly, getting to know everyone, feeling my way in, learning the backgrounds, the family histories, and all the politics, both professional and personal. But I like the town and most of the people in it, so I’m certain my circle will both grow and become more intimate as well as I learn who I can trust. Being the mayor’s wife, even in a place this size, does come with a certain level of awareness and obligation, though it’s nothing I mind.”
Lauren’s steps slowed. This did not sound like the talk of a woman who was planning a divorce. But perhaps Lauren had called it right the other way. That her mother was simply making peace with her choice and moving forward the best she could.
Charlene paused on the path, making Lauren stop completely. “You’ve met him now, but I can see from your expression that your opinion hasn’t changed.”
Lauren paused beside her, then noted a small bench located just off the path ahead. She motioned to it, and they both walked to it in silence. Once seated, Lauren tried to find the right words. “You were happy in Florida. The people there, both your friends who spend time there while away from Richmond, and the new friends you made…they all said the same thing, that you were happy, busy, fulfilled.”
“I thought I was.”
Lauren frowned, surprised by the comment. “What do you mean?”
Charlene turned her gaze away and stared across the path, to the fields beyond, the rolling hills, the mountains. Lauren had no idea what she was really seeing, much less what she was thinking. Finally, Charlene sat a little straighter and looked at Lauren with both deep affection and a bit of determination, as if what she was about to say was quite important and she didn’t want to screw it up. Lauren could identify with that feeling.
“I loved playing hostess for your grandfather, growing up in Richmond,” her mother said. “I loved being both hostess and partner to your father, for each and every wonderful year we had together. Raising you was a joy, as were all the other things I dedicated myself to over the years. I enjoyed being on various charitable committees, being involved, engaged, dedicated to something. It’s been a very fulfilling, rewarding life and I’m proud of all the things I’ve done and the people I’ve helped.”
“You did all those things in Richmond and in Florida, too. You seemed incredibly happy. You were happy.”
“I was.” She looked at Lauren. “I think it’s one of those things where you don’t even realize what you’re missing, what might be truly fulfilling, to you, personally, as a woman, until it’s standing in front of you. I didn’t know…not until Arlen.”
Lauren tried to take it in, tried to understand, but it failed her.
“I know you don’t understand, but that’s because your idea of me, your vision of who I am, is limited to who I have always been.”
“Who you are and have always been is a pretty spectacular woman. Person. I could never hope to live up to your example, but it inspires me and has informed most of the decisions I’ve made in my life. You are this force to be reckoned with, all packaged up in the form of the most gracious, generous, kind, intelligent, and strong person I know.”
Her mother’s eyes grew a bit glassy. “That’s really…something, to hear you say that.”
“You know I’ve always admired you. I’ve told you time and again.”
“And you have to know how proud I am of you, too. But…Lauren, I need you to look past this icon of a mother and woman you see me as being. Maybe I am the things that inspire you, and perhaps that’s what I’m most proud of. But…I’m more than that woman, that icon. I’m…me.”
Lauren shook her head. “I don’t understand. You’re…everything. What more could there be?”
“So much more, as it turns out.”
Lauren fell silent, trying to take in what her mother was telling her, or trying to. In all of her analysis, both before coming and after last night’s dinner and meeting Arlen…she’d never once anticipated this. How could she? “I thought you were happy with your life.”
“I was. I spent it in service to family, to community, and it was, by far, more fulfilling to me than it could have possibly been to anyone else. But it was fulfillment I drew from others. Not something I gave myself, for myself.” She stopped, looked away. “I’m handling this badly.”
“No,” Lauren said, taking one of her mother’s small hands between her own. “No, you’re not. I may not understand this, and I might be surprised to hear you talk like this, but I want to know. I want to understand.”
“I’m just beginning to understand myself. Maybe I can’t completely put it into words as yet.”
Lauren thought back through what her mother had revealed. “So…are you saying that Arlen, in some way, is the one who is showing you this new side of yourself? That he’s the one who is making you see what you’ve been missing…or just hadn’t gotten around to yet?”
“He was absolutely the catalyst, yes. I know you don’t understand why that—”
“You’re right, I don’t,” she said, trying not to sound defensive or lost even though she felt a little of both. The woman she knew, respected, loved, and idolized, above all others, and had her entire life, was suddenly transforming before her very eyes into a complete stranger she didn’t know at all. And that was still too much to take in, so she focused on Arlen. That was the main thing, at the moment, the thing that started this…transformation. “It’s not because he’s from so far away, Mom. Or that he’s a mayor of a small mountain town, when you’ve been wined and dined by statesmen, ambassadors, senators, you name it, over the years, and could have had your pick from men who were from similar backgrounds, who would understand who you are, what you’ve accomplished. It’s not about what he does, or where he’s from.”
“But, darling, that’s exactly what it’s about.”
“But, he’s so…different. Not from them, but from you.”
“Differences can be exciting.”
“Agreed. But doesn’t there have to be some common ground? I guess I don’t understand where you are compatible. He doesn’t seem your type in any way.”
Charlene laughed lightly. “I wasn’t aware I had a type.”
“You know what I mean. Opposites attracting are one thing, but I watched you two last night, and I’m not sure I saw any obvious attraction. You’ve only known each other six months, are still newlyweds—”
“We’re newly-everything, Lauren. We’re still getting to know each other. Yes, what we did was incredibly impulsive, but—”
“But…he’s a stranger. Or was, certainly, when you married him. Now that you’ve been with him, around him, getting to know him, living under the same roof, do you still feel the same?”
There was the slightest of hesitations, but she spoke before Lauren could call attention to it. “No, I don’t. I feel…more.”
Lauren took that in, but didn’t know what to do with it. She studied her mother’s face, her steady, tranquil, certain gaze, then tilted her head. “You don’t love him,” she said, more as a revelation than a question.
“Love takes time.” She said that quite easily, as if she’d never have expected anything different.
“Agreed. So how could you marry someone you don’t love? You’d have a fit if I did that.”
“You’re on the beginning part of your path, your journey. I’ve traveled a fair bit longer a distance down mine. I have the benefit of that experience, to allow me the latitude of risk taking at this point in my life, that I wouldn’t have taken at any earlier stage in my life.”
“So, is this some kind of midlife crisis then?”
She laughed again. “I’m a fair bit past midlife. And it was more a life reckoning than a crisis.” She shifted in her seat and took Lauren’s hands in her own. “I know you don’t understand. Don’t see what it is we see in each other, but we’re quite content figuring things out together.”
“Mom—”
“I was happy in Richmond, I love every street, tree, and shop as if it were family to me, because it is and always will be. But I was tired of being the social center, of the demand and the pressure…to be me.”
“I didn’t realize how personalized it had become to you, but I know you wanted to retire from the demands of the political and social scene there, which you’d certainly earned. I know, that’s why you relocated to Florida, for the slower way of life, the more relaxed cycle of things.”
“And, within months, I’d simply created a new social whirlwind of activities.”
“But you loved them. I never really thought you’d slow down, just that what you chose to do would perhaps not be as draining and more fulfilling, because you could pick things you loved and not be forced into doing the things you did out of obligation, to our family name, your family name, our collective history. But I never once saw you sitting still down there. You’d have withered without something—many somethings—to occupy your mind.”
“You’re correct. And I did choose things that gave me pleasure. But the cycle was still more or less the same. I volunteered; I agreed to organize, hostess, and manage this function or that because that’s what I do; it’s what I’ve always done; it’s the only thing I know to do. Only…”
Lauren squeezed her mother’s hand, truly stunned by all she was hearing. It made her feel, in some ways, horribly guilty, like the worst daughter ever, for not ever seeing any of this. “Only what, Mom?”
Her mother smiled briefly and cupped her daughter’s cheek, as if to say there was nothing to feel badly about. “There’s a difference in enjoying something because you’re good at it, and knowing others will benefit from your dedication…and being personally fulfilled and happy. A part of me felt I’d done my share, fulfilled enough others’ needs, been important to causes, worked tirelessly on things I believed in. It wasn’t until I got to Florida, and essentially filled my life with similar things, that I realized I did it more because I didn’t know any other way to live than because I really wanted to do that any longer. It’s like I’ve been trained to be this one thing. And while I loved it once, I’m…I guess I’m tired of it. Tired of the demands of it.”
“Then scale back; focus your attention on things that don’t demand so much of your energy.”
Charlene sighed. “It’s not about physical energy, or even emotional energy. I could do most of the things I did in my sleep, I’d done them so often, and for so many years. They weren’t stressful, especially once I relocated south. But neither were they really making me happy. The problem was, if I scaled back, as you call it, I had not the first clue where or what to turn my attentions to. I didn’t have hobbies or interests that weren’t directly related to my charitable work. I needed…something. Something that was just for me. That I did fully for my own personal joy and fulfillment and not a damn thing to do with anyone else. I just didn’t know what. All I knew was that my new life was turning out to be just a retired version of my old life, and I wasn’t happy with that. I wanted…I guess I wanted more. I felt ridiculous even thinking that and very ungrateful. I was—have always been—very blessed in my life. But—”
“Something was missing.”
She looked at Lauren. “Yes.”
She’d put more emotion, more passion, more…of herself, into that single word than Lauren had ever heard her invest in anything, which was truly saying something. Because her mother was nothing if not passionate about her causes. But…maybe she was right, and she’d done all that at the expense of never being passionate about herself. “And that something missing was a person to share your life with.”
“As I said, he was the catalyst, so yes. No one will replace your father, and I don’t know that the kind of relationship we had, which was at such a different stage in life, is something I’d even reach for now. Things are very different now. I’m very different. And what I want…and why, is also changing. I’ve been alone a very long time, and—”
“Please, you don’t have to reconcile that part with me. I’ve been begging you to find someone to complement your life for years; you know it’s not about that. I guess I just never thought—never saw you with someone like…” She trailed off, sincerely not wanting to hurt her mother. She’d had no idea how discontented she’d been. She felt petty now for depriving her mother of any part of the joy she was finding in her new life. “I didn’t know,” she finished quietly. “I’m so sorry. I had no idea.” She looked at her mother, tears gathering in her eyes. “I should have known.”
“There is no way you could have known, as I didn’t know myself. We might be closer than most mothers and daughters, but I am and always will be your mother first, and because of that, your image of me will never be one hundred percent realistic. And that’s as it should be. I am enormously proud that you think I’m worthy of looking up to, because that means, in the end, I did right by you, and that is one job I will never tire of or want to walk away from. I know you don’t understand, nor do you see or understand what it is that Arlen brings to my world, and maybe, as my daughter, you simply won’t ever be able to. All I can ask is that you trust that I know. And that I’m fully at peace with my choices.”
Lauren nodded, because her mother was right. It was a lot to take in, but, in the end, her choice was still so out there. And while she knew with time to let it sink in, her reasons for choosing this new life would make sense, she wasn’t entirely sure that her choice of Arlen ever would.
“I know he’s not what you would expect.” Her mother laughed then. “He certainly wasn’t for me, either. He is so different, Lauren, yes, but we have a compatibility of a political life. Our backgrounds are both steeped in that world. I know how to be a good political wife, and he’s originally from San Francisco and appreciates that I do understand that role on perhaps a broader scale than one would presume to need here. It fulfills his needs, his personal wants, having me by his side.”
“And that’s not repeating things again? At least in part?”
“Yes and no, but not in the way you mean. Or I meant when I said I wanted out of that world. Cedar Springs is as far removed from the world I lived in, both in Richmond and Coral Gables, than anything I’ve ever known. I do get to continue, in some small form, in a role I’m very, very comfortable in. But the expectations, the day-to-day of it, are so entirely different, the people so genuine and nice, the circle of it all, so incredibly small and intimate, without any greater agenda…everything about it, Lauren, is just right. I suppose a little like Goldilocks finally finding the right bed.” She laughed then.