A Hand to Hold (31 page)

“And you believe him?”

“I do.”

“You can
geh
ask your
daed
if you want,” Stephen said. “He’ll back me up.”

“Oh, I intend to.”

Deborah watched as her sister charged toward the house. She looked at Stephen. “I’m sorry for what she said.”

“You don’t have to keep apologizing for her. You should
geh
after her though. She looks angry enough to snap.”

“Sometimes I wonder if she already has.” She glanced down at Will, praying her son didn’t understand anything his
aenti
had said. One day she would have to tell him about his father, but she didn’t want Naomi anywhere around when she did.

Stephen held out his arms to Will. “I’ll take him. We’ll
geh
check on the cows, then I’ll bring him inside. Hopefully by that time she’ll have simmered down.”

Deborah handed Will over to him, watching for a moment while the most special man she’d ever met took her son into the barn. Warmth flowed through her. No matter what happened with her and Naomi, just knowing that Stephen cared about her and Will was enough.

She went inside and walked toward her father’s bedroom. She could hear Naomi’s accusing voice outside the door before she opened it.

“He’s got you both fooled,” Naomi exclaimed.

“Naomi, you’ve got to calm down.” Their father held his hands in front of him. “You’re going to pop a vessel if you don’t.” He then looked at Deborah. “Will someone tell me what’s going on here?”

“Stephen’s here. He’s in the barn with Will.” She caught a glimpse of Naomi’s glare out of the corner of her eye, but she continued on. “He says he’s not going to buy the farm. He never intended to.”

Daed
lay back down against the pillow. “Of course he’s not. Where did you get that idea?”

“You said you were thinking about selling it to him.”

“I did?” He scratched his chin through his beard. “I don’t recall saying that.”

“Right after your heart attack, remember?”

“I told you I didn’t have no heart attack—”

“You said you would try to talk him out of being a carpenter.”

Her father frowned for a moment. Then his expression relaxed. “Oh, that’s right. I did say something like that. And I still can’t think of anyone better I’d want working this land. He loves it, with his heart and soul. Never hear a word of complaint out of him, always wants to do more, learn more.” He looked at Deborah. “But I was just thinking out loud, Deborah. I wasn’t going to sell it right away. I still have a few more
gut
years in me, and he still has a lot of money to save up before he can afford this place. If he even wants it. Might be hard for me to talk him out of being a carpenter.”

Deborah knew differently, but she’d speak to her father about that later. Instead she looked at Naomi, who had finally settled down. “So you’re not selling the farm?”

“Not yet,” he said with a slight shake of his head. “But I have to be practical,
dochders
.” He removed his reading glasses and set them on the nightstand, then looked at Naomi. “You’re thirty years old and not married.” Then he looked at Deborah. “You’re still young, but you have, um, circumstances.” He took a deep breath and then spoke. “I’m sorry to say this, but I can’t depend on the two of you getting married. And I can’t wait until Will is old enough to run things around here.” Sadness entered his eyes. “I’d rather see the land go to someone who loves it like I do than see the farm fall apart.”

Deborah nodded. She could see her father’s logic, even if it hurt. She looked at Naomi, who hadn’t said a word during the entire exchange. Her sister brought her hand to her mouth and suddenly fled the room.

Daed
sighed. “I said the wrong thing. Again. Your
mudder
always said I must have a taste for shoe leather, I put my foot in my mouth so much. I should have never told you about my idea of selling the farm. I was feeling sorry for myself at the time. Things have been so hard around here without your
mudder
. She was the one who kept me going. Lately it’s been hard to find the will to do anything.”

Deborah sat down on the chair near the edge of his bed. She took his callused hand in hers. “Oh,
Daed
. I’m so sorry.”

“I kept telling myself the next day would be better. But it never was. Then I’d end up in the pasture, staring at the fence that needed fixing, unable to bring myself to repair it. I’d think about your
mudder
, remembering the
gut
times we had, trying to forget the last couple months that the cancer took from us. Bless your sister, she kept everything going while your
mami
was sick.”

“I should have been here.” Tears streamed down her face. “Why didn’t you tell me
Mami
was sick?”

“Because she didn’t want you to know. Up until the end, she thought she had it beat.” He wiped his eyes with his free hand. “She was a strong woman. Just not strong enough.”

“What happened the other day? When you were in the pasture?”

“I don’t really know. I’d been feeling poorly the past couple days, but I thought I was just tired. I hadn’t been sleeping well since Martha’s death. By the time I reached the back fence my chest felt as if it were on fire. The next thing I remember is Stephen standing over me when I woke up on the couch. If he hadn’t found me when he did . . .” He shook his head. “I owe that
bu
my life.”

Deborah nodded. “We all owe him so much.”

Her father squeezed her hand and then released it. “
Geh
check on your sister. I’m worried about her. She’s become so bitter over the years.”

“Do you know why?”

He shook his head. “Your
mudder
and I could never figure it out. We thought it might be jealousy over you.”

“Over me? She never wanted anything to do with me.”

“When you were a
boppli
she did. But then when you turned two, you got very sick and ended up in the hospital for two weeks.”

“I don’t remember that.”

He nodded. “Wouldn’t expect you to, and it’s not something we talked about. We couldn’t bring Naomi to the hospital. She was only twelve, so several women from church came by and watched her, plus made meals for us. Their husbands took care of the farm for me. When we brought you home, you needed lots of care for several months. Naomi wasn’t our priority anymore. You were.”

Deborah now saw where her sister’s bitterness stemmed from. “But that was so long ago. Why is she hanging on to it still?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe you should ask her.”

Deborah looked away. “She won’t talk to me.”

“You won’t know unless you try.”

She’d been trying to get Naomi to talk to her since coming back to Middlefield. Deborah doubted she could reach her now. But she wouldn’t tell her father that. She looked at him, seeing the weariness on his face. “I’ll leave you alone now. You get some more rest.”

He frowned, but his eyelids were only halfway open. “That’s all I’ve been doing. Are you
maed
going to keep me in bed for the rest of my life?”

She smiled, glad to see his feistiness returning. “
Nee
. But we will until you get better.”

She walked out of her father’s room, shut the door, and leaned against it. She thought about what he said. Was her sister bitter because of a childhood grudge? That seemed extreme, even for Naomi. Deborah suspected it had to be something else. She had to find out what it was, or there would be no peace in her family.

Deborah went into the kitchen to find Naomi. When she didn’t see her, she looked throughout the bottom floor of the house. Then she went upstairs and saw that Naomi’s bedroom door was closed. She knocked softly.

“What do you want?” Naomi sniffed.

Had her sister been crying? She couldn’t remember the last time Naomi had cried. Her sister hadn’t shed a tear at their mother’s funeral. “Can I come in?”

“Nee.”

But Deborah wasn’t about to give up, not this time. She turned the knob on the door and was glad it was unlocked. She eased the door open, then took a step inside. Her sister stood at the window, her back to Deborah, and didn’t turn around. After a few seconds, Deborah went to Naomi. She expected her to walk away, but she didn’t. They stared out at the barn and field in front of them, and just then Stephen and Will appeared from the barn, her
sohn
looking so tiny in Stephen’s huge arms.

“I suppose you two will get married.”

Deborah’s brow rose with surprise. “What makes you say that?”

Naomi wrapped her arms around her thin body. “I see the way he looks at you. I see how he is with your
sohn
.” She glanced at Deborah. “As usual, you get what you want.”

“You think I want him?”

“You do, don’t you?”

She looked back at Stephen, the image of them getting married and becoming a family suddenly becoming real. He said he cared for her, and she knew deep in her heart that she loved him. “
Ya
,” she whispered as he headed toward the house. “I think I do.”

Naomi walked away from the window. “
Gut
luck with your happy family, then.”

Deborah reached out and grabbed her sister’s arm. Jealousy and resentment emanated from Naomi. “Is that why you’re angry with me? Because of Stephen? Because of Will?”

“You don’t know how hard it is to want something you’ll never have.”

“Naomi, you can’t say that for sure.”

She turned away from the window.

“
Daed
told me about my being sick. I don’t even remember it. You can’t hang on to this jealousy—”

Her sister let out a bitter chuckle. “Of course you’d think this is about you. It’s always about you.”

“Isn’t it?”

“Never mind. I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Naomi.” Deborah went over to her. “We can’t spend the rest of our lives angry with each other. It’s not what God would want. We both know that. Please. Tell me what’s wrong. I don’t want us to fight anymore.”

Naomi sat down on her bed and stared at her hands, her shoulders slumped. Deborah moved to sit beside her. Naomi didn’t say anything for a long moment. Just when Deborah thought she wouldn’t respond and was giving her the silent treatment, Naomi finally spoke. “I thought I was going to get married once,” she whispered.

Deborah’s eyes lifted in shock. “You did?”

“Don’t be so surprised.”

“But I had no idea.”

“You were only eight, too young to know what was going on.”

“But
Mami
and
Daed
never said anything about it.”

“That’s because they didn’t know. No one did.” She raised her head and looked at Deborah, then quickly averted her gaze. “I couldn’t tell them I’d fallen in love with a Yankee.”

“What?” Deborah couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

Naomi nodded, still not looking at her. “We dated secretly for a few months.” She glanced at Deborah. Her eyes were dry, but her chin was quivering. “He said he loved me, that I was special. That we should move in together. He even said he wanted to get married someday. And because I loved him, I believed him. But I was a fool. Everything he told me was a lie so he could get what he wanted from me.”

Deborah’s heart sank. She knew exactly what Naomi was talking about. Chase had said all the right things, too, and his rejection had hurt. But she hadn’t been in love with Chase. She could only imagine the pain her sister had gone through.

“My friends had warned me about him. They told me he was no
gut
, but I didn’t believe them. I was ready to give up everything for him, including being Amish. Then I found out he was seeing someone else the whole time we were dating.”

“Oh, Naomi.” Deborah reached out and touched her arm. “I’m so sorry.”

“He manipulated me.” A hard edge crept into her tone. “Just like Stephen’s doing to you.”

“He’s not manipulating me, Naomi. I’ll admit that Chase did, but only because I let him. Stephen’s nothing like Chase. There are
gut
men in the world, Naomi. Not all of them are like Chase or . . .”

“Trey. His name was Trey.” She rose from the bed. “All my friends found a
gut
one. They married and have
kinner
. And I’m alone. I suppose that’s what I get for sinning against God.”

“I don’t believe that. You can’t judge yourself like this, Naomi. And you can’t assume that God’s punishing you for one mistake.”

Naomi shook her head. “It wasn’t just one mistake. I was willing to give up my faith. How could He forgive something like that?”

Things were starting to make sense. Her sister was pious to a fault, and now Deborah knew why. She still felt like she had to atone for the past, and she still carried around the hurt from Trey’s betrayal. She reached for Naomi’s hand. “Naomi, have you forgiven Trey?”

Naomi jerked her hand out of Deborah’s grasp. “That’s not any of your business. I should have never told you about him.” She lifted her chin, her eyes narrowing. “I don’t want to talk about this again, understand?”

“But—”

“I have to prepare supper. I’m sure
Daed
is hungry by now.” She started for the door, but Deborah tugged on her arm, trying to stop her. Naomi pulled away and walked out of the room.

Deborah sat on her sister’s bed and scanned her austere bedroom. She closed her eyes, her soul filled with sadness for her sister. She’d had no idea how deeply Naomi had been hurt, or how she blamed herself for it. Nothing Deborah could say would help Naomi give up the pain she insisted on clinging to. Only God could change her heart, and she would pray every day for that to happen.