A Heartbeat Away (19 page)

With that she dismissed our attention, but deep in my heart I was sure her odd behavior had something to do with Ben. Why
had
he called? I didn't like to ask while Edna was there.

“I'll go and sort out the shelves,” announced Aunt V, turning toward me, “and you, my girl, can help. If you're fit enough to walk over a mile, then you are certainly fit enough to lend me a hand for five minutes.”

“Well, I'll warn you now,” I told her. “I have no experience with cakes and I make a terrible cup of tea.”

“Watch and learn.” She laughed. “There must be something useful you can do.”

Aunt V tidied the shelves and I helped her to restock them with some items from a cardboard box. Frosted fruit jellies, old-fashioned licorices, chocolate cats and dogs and pink pigs made of something sugary—all went into various glass containers.

“You have a strange selection of things here,” I remarked absentmindedly.

Aunt V nodded while rearranging the items I had unpacked. “We aim to have different things,” she told me. “Things that tourists might buy for presents.”

“What did Ben want?”

There, it was out, a casual question delivered with a studied lack of interest.

“To talk to you, of course,” she said. “He got our number from Mrs. Minton. We had a little chat and he said that he would ring back some other time.”

I concentrated very hard on positioning a family of fluffy brown rabbits on a stand at the end of the counter. “When did he say he would ring again?”

She gazed at me inquiringly.

“Not that I want to speak to him, particularly.” My words emerged in a rush. “He isn't a part of here or who I am now…But I suppose I owe him something.”

“You owe him your life,” she said quietly. “So you must at least speak to the poor man.”

“Oh, I will…I will speak to him. I just don't want him coming anywhere near here.”

“Well, if he'd like to see you, you could always meet in Appleton for a coffee or something,” she suggested.

I nodded. “If he phones again…”

“If he phones again,” she agreed.

 

My early-morning efforts caught up with me before lunch. My leg began to ache and I felt weak and a bit dizzy. Aunt V noticed at once, of course, and demanded that I go to see Edna in the kitchen.

“Have a sit-down for a while,” she insisted. “I'll run you home at lunchtime. I knew you'd done too much.”

Edna's good humor seemed to have been completely restored. She apologized for her earlier behavior, proclaiming that it was either the start of a cold or probably even just a hot flush.

“I'm at that sort of age, after all,” she told me.

“You're still young.” I laughed.

She went quiet for a moment. “Not young enough to have another child, I'm afraid,” she murmured.

There was such sadness in her eyes that it tore at my heartstrings. “Well, I'll always be here for you, Edna,” I promised.

She forced a bright smile back onto her face. “Take no notice of me, Lucy. We all have our little doldrums now and then, but they don't last. Look at Harry. He was in a terrible mood at breakfast, but he's fine again now. He's just been in to see me, and he is so excited about you being back that he's had an idea. No doubt he'll talk to you about it himself, but I'll prepare you.”

I looked at her eagerly and she leaned toward me, lowering her tone.

“He's decided to put Promise in foal and he wants you to go with him to view some stallions.”

“Oh, that will be fantastic,” I cried.

She nodded happily. “Well, it will give the pair of you an interest.”

She bustled off then to see Aunt V, and when she returned, I thought she appeared different, quieter, as though something was on her mind. When I asked her about it, though, she brushed me off. And then I remembered the letter.

“What was it that you were going to tell me earlier?” I asked. “When Aunt V came in. You know…about the letter.”

“The letter?”

She regarded me with confusion in her eyes, and then they clouded over, shutting me out.

“Nothing,” she said firmly. “I thought I remembered, but it has gone right out of my head. So. Would you like me to go and get Harry to run you home? Your aunt says you need to rest.”

Did I? Did I need to rest? I was certainly bewildered. Images of honey-brown eyes kept flashing into my mind's eye, mingling uncomfortably with my memories of Daniel's soft brown gaze, so alike and yet so different. I pushed them firmly aside. It was Daniel I wanted to think about, not some guy I had met only a few times, even if he had saved my life. If he phoned again, I would ask Aunt V to tell him that I wasn't in, I decided.

“Yes, please,” I told her. “I do need a lie-down.”

 

Harry was full of his idea to put Promise in foal. He talked of his plans with such enthusiasm that I couldn't help but feel enthusiastic, too, even though he sometimes sounded so like Daniel that it brought a deep dull pain into my heart.

“After Christmas,” he decided. “We'll sort out some of the best stallions and go view them. What do you think we should go for—a thoroughbred or something stockier?”

“What would Daniel have liked?” I asked him.

He paused to consider for a moment, with a shadow in his eyes, and when he sighed and turned to me, I silently shared the sorrow that would always lurk behind our smiles.

“Why, lass,” he said, “let's see if he gives us an inkling over the next weeks.”

“Good idea,” I murmured.

He reached across and patted my hand. “You've brought happiness back to Homewood, Lucy,” he told me.

I just looked away. Who was going to bring the happiness back to me? Or was it already slowly uncurling inside me? I shut my heart against its tentative fingers, for to be happy was to set yourself up for pain.

T
he next few weeks were a strange time for me, a time of highs and lows, joys and regrets. In a way I wanted to move on, but I felt as though something was holding me back. Hope and expectation had no place in my life. Because I had nothing to hope for, had I?

Life, however, crept back upon me unexpectedly. I found inside myself a desperate urge to ride over the wild open fells again, a longing to lie in the heather, staring up into the awesome eternity of a sky that went on forever. A desire to restore the equilibrium in my mind.

“God's in His heaven and all's right with the world.” That was what Daniel used to say as we lay side by side, gazing up at the racing clouds. But when everything wasn't all right with your world, what did you do then?

And so I waited, for the day when they'd remove the cast from my leg and I'd be free again. I would go to the golden meadow by the tinkling stream, I decided, where we had first made love. There would be no buttercups now to turn the green of the grass to gold, but the stream would be there, dashing over the rocks, and I could sit in our special place and remember.

It became a nagging ache inside me, my longing for the fells and Brookbank; a waiting time that I filled with everyday things. Ben phoned. He caught me unawares one morning, just after Aunt V had left for Homewood. His deep voice brought with it, surprisingly, an unexpected rush of pleasure.

“Well, Lucy Locket,” he teased. “What have you got in your pocket today?”

Talking to him was weird, as if he had never been away, as if I had spoken to him just yesterday.

“Ben Carlisle!” I responded. “Whatever have you been doing with yourself?”

“Oh, you know…this and that, climbing a few trees and saving the odd life or two.”

“Ah—you've made a career out of it now, have you?”

And so our conversation carried on, silly, idle chitchat, nothing close, nothing heavy. I was able to cope with that…until the moment before I said goodbye.

“I'd like to meet up with you, Luce.”

My heart clamped shut and I heard Aunt V's voice in my ears.
You owe him Lucy
. I did, didn't I? I owed him that, at least.

“We'll sort something out,” I told him lightly. “I'll meet you in Appleton one day for a coffee.”

“I'll hold you to it,” he promised.

The receiver clicked in my ear, and suddenly he was gone, leaving me shaking deep inside, assailed by the memories of a life I had only just managed to forget.

I told Aunt V when she came home.

She nodded enthusiastically. “You
should
meet up with him. He's a nice young man and you could do with a friend or two.”

I thought guiltily of Nicola. She had been my friend and I hadn't even given her my home address when she'd breezed in to the hospital to visit me on the day before I left for home. Was I running away again? Yes, I realized, and I didn't even care.

We finished our dinner in thoughtful silence. Every time I glanced across at Aunt V, she seemed to be staring at me, and eventually I put down my knife and fork and splayed my hands in her direction. “What!” I asked.

“Are you afraid of what Edna might say?”

I felt a dull flush rise right up to the roots of my hair. “What do you mean?”

“About Ben.”

“Why should I be?”

She shrugged and sipped her tea.

“Oh, I don't know. Guilt perhaps, about Daniel.”

“Shouldn't you have been asking me this when I was working in the city?”

She pondered my question, staring at me with button-bright eyes.

“Ah, but that didn't involve your heart, so there was no guilt. In your mind it didn't count.”

“And this does,” I retorted. “Involve my heart, I mean.”

She paused a moment, narrowing her eyes. “In a way, I suppose, he's a friend, and friends take up a part of your heart, don't they? Maybe you are afraid that it might become more than just a friendship.”

I looked down at my hands, twisting them around and around. “There will only ever be one love in my life,” I told her. “So it wouldn't be fair to see anyone else.”

She eyed me. “Daniel is gone, Lucy,” she said gently. “He would be the last person to hold you back, anyway. You know that. It's partly because of Edna, as well, though, isn't it? You are afraid of what she might think.”

Was
it because of the Browns? I wondered.

“In a way, I guess. You saw her face when Ben was mentioned.”

“Oh, Lucy,” she cried. “It wasn't about that.”

“Well, what was it about then? She appeared pretty upset to me.”

Aunt V stood and began busily clearing the pots from the table. “You should talk to her,” she said. “She wouldn't begrudge you having a relationship.”

“But I don't
want
a relationship!” I exclaimed.

She gazed at me sadly. “Don't cut yourself off from the world, Lucy.”

Why couldn't she see? I had tried the other option. I had gone out into the world and attempted to live a different life, and it hadn't worked.

“I just need some time to come to terms with everything,” I insisted.

“And I just want you to be happy,” she said.

Dear, fierce, indomitable Aunt V. I walked across and wrapped my arms around her small frame. “What would I do without you?” I told her.

She snorted loudly, blinking away the tears. “Get away with you! Right. You can help me with these pots.”

 

I spoke to Ben many times after that; easy, comfortable conversations over the phone about everything and nothing. He would phone at odd times, always unexpected, and I began to look forward to hearing his voice on the other end of the line, especially since he never mentioned meeting me again. It was almost as if he understood my dilemma. But how could he? He didn't even know about Daniel Brown.

 

On the day they were to take the cast off my leg, I woke up with butterflies racing around my rib cage. I felt as though I was about to be released into a whole new world, a world of discovery. As soon as I could, I would ride Timmy over the fells again and sit in the golden meadow by the stream and…Then what? My stomach churned. Daniel wouldn't be there, but he would be close by—I was sure of it. Maybe there he would keep his promise. Maybe there he would somehow contact me. I had read of things like that happening to others, so why not to me?

It took a lot longer that I expected to realize my dream. My leg ached so much that at first it was more difficult to walk with my cast off than on. I persevered endlessly doing the exercises the nurses had set me, until Aunt V begged me to be more patient.

But patience was not one of my virtues. “I want to ride,” I told her. “I need to ride again.”

“And you will,” she insisted. “Eventually.”

Ben understood. When I complained to him about my lack of progress, he told me that he knew exactly how I felt. I didn't probe too deeply into how he knew, though. I wanted our friendship to stay superficial.

And it was superficial. He never really told me much about himself and I never mentioned Daniel, or the Browns, or anything about my life that had any real meaning. Yet despite all that, I felt his deep understanding of me. When I would get off the phone, I could never remember what we had talked about, only the laughter that left me with a warm glow inside. Out of guilt about our long-distance friendship I still never mentioned him to the Browns, for in spite of what Aunt V had said, I was sure that Edna would be devastated if she thought for even a minute that there was someone else in my life, even though he was just a friend.

And so we went on. I began helping in the tearoom when they were busy, and discovered, to my surprise, that I really enjoyed meeting people. The expressions on the children's faces when they found something that delighted them made the day worthwhile. Yet at the same time I still felt in limbo, waiting for the day when my leg was strong enough to take Timmy over the fell to Brookbank.

It was a Monday evening, weeks after I'd arrived home, that Ben tentatively asked me again if I'd like to meet up with him.

“Just for a drink or something,” he pleaded. “Then I can put a picture to the voice I've been talking to for weeks.”

I laughed. “You know what I look like,” I told him.

For a moment there was a silence on the other end of the line.

“I know what you
used
to look like,” he finally responded. “Dancing through the dead leaves in your silly red shoes. Or later, with a face as white as alabaster and a dressing on your head. I want to see how you look now.”

“I think that I look exactly the same,” I told him. But did I? Did I really look the same? Was I even the same person?

I stared at my reflection in the glass that night before I went to bed. Dark-fringed gray eyes stared back at me, familiar eyes, and my mouth was still too wide. Only my hair made me look different. They had shaved the area around the wound while I was in hospital, and at home my only option had been to cut the rest of it to match. I turned my head this way and that, critically viewing the result. My hair was short and curly, like a dark halo around my head, but did it suit me?

I hadn't even thought about my changed hairstyle. Until today, my appearance had no longer seemed of any importance. Now I found myself wondering if Ben would be disappointed should he see me again. The girl he'd first met that day in the park had been smart and sophisticated, with a wild mass of long wavy hair. I craned my neck at the mirror, trying to see the back. I looked like a boy, I decided. Then again, what did I care?

I asked Aunt V for her opinion next morning at breakfast, and she raised her eyebrows.

“Why the sudden interest?”

I shrugged. “No reason. I just wondered if you thought I suited my hair so short.”

Her eyes seemed to penetrate my mind and I squirmed. Aunt V had this knack of always getting to the truth.

“Well, I'm glad that you're back in the land of the living,” she remarked with a smile. “And although I loved your hair before, I do think that it suits you now. It's just a different image, that's all.”

“Would Daniel have liked it?”

I don't know why I asked her that. It was almost as if I had to keep mentioning him just to prove to everyone that he was still a part of my life.

“Daniel would have loved your hair however you wore it,” she told me gently. “Why the sudden interest, anyway? Does it have something to do with Ben?”

“No!” My face flooded with color. “You know he's just a friend.”

“But you
are
going to see him.”

I sighed and rolled my eyes skyward. “I might meet up with him one day, just as a friend, so don't go getting your hopes up.”

She laughed and stood, pushing her chair back from the table. “My hopes have all been met,” she said. “But Edna's won't be if we don't get to the tearoom before opening. I told her I'd be early this morning.”

My heartbeat quickened as I remembered what today was. “And I'm going to try riding Timmy,” I cried.

So what did it matter if my hair was long or short? What did it matter if Ben Carlisle thought I had changed? Excitement bubbled inside me and I raced upstairs to get ready, Aunt V's voice echoing in my ears.

“Not before you've helped me with these breakfast dishes….”

 

Two hours later Timmy stood quietly, blowing softly through his nostrils as Harry unclipped the side reins from his bit and gave him a piece of carrot as a reward. “There,” he announced with a pleased smile on his rugged face. “Gentle as a kitten. I told you he'd give us no bother.”

I patted the big bay horse's steaming neck and pressed my face against the warm velvet of his nose. “So is that it, then?” I asked Harry tentatively. “Do I just get on now?”

“Well, he was so well behaved on the lunge that I'm sure he'll be fine.”

He hesitated for a moment, eyeing me with a worried frown. “But if you're nervous?”

“No!” I held myself very straight. “Of course I'm not nervous. If you feel he's ready to be ridden, then let's get on with it.”

I adjusted my cap, zipped up my jacket and pulled down the stirrup, ignoring the churning of my stomach.

“You'd better give me a leg up,” I said, bending my knee and gathering up the reins.

Harry took a grip of my ankle. “One…two…three…” he intoned. And in one smooth movement I was sitting in Timmy's saddle, staring down at his arched neck with a rush of nostalgia. It felt so good to see the world from between two pricked ears after all this time that tears tickled the backs of my eyelids. Yet at the same time I was laughing, laughing with pure delight as I urged him forward.