A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius (74 page)

Oh fuck I was going to say: so Toph
’
s got this other trick where he catches it normally— I
’
ll throw it straight to him, a totally regular throw, and after he catches it he
’
ll take a few steps forward and do a little forward roll, a somersault, with the frisbee on his head, like he caught it mid-roll or something— You should see him now, he
’
s so tall all of a sudden, he
’
ll be some kind of giant, seven, eight, nine feet tall—surely the tallest guy in our family, ever, always—

We
’
re best at the long high throws. Like when you take four or five steps and rip it— It
’
s almost like a shotput approach, the steps, four or five quick, one over the other, kind of sideways-like—and then you slash away with that fucker, it
’
s such a violent act, throwing that white thing, you
’
re first cradling it to your breast and then you whip that fucker as hard as you possibly can while keeping it level, keeping it straight, but otherwise with everything you can send with it you whip that fucker like it had blades on it and you wanted it to cut straight through that paperblue sky like a screen, rip through it and have it be blood and black space beyond. Oh I
’
m not going to fix you, John, or any of you people. I tried about a million times to fix you, but it was so wrong for me to want to save you because I only wanted to eat you to make me stronger, I only wanted to devour all of you, I was a cancer— Oh but I do this for you. Don
’
t you see I do this for you? I have done this all for you. I pretend that I do not but I do. I eat you to save you. I drink you to make you new. I gorge myself on all of you, and I stand, dripping, with fists, with heaving shoulders— I will look stupid, I will crawl, drenched in blood and shit, I
will— Oh look at those birds, on their stiff tiny legs and— There is nowhere I stop and you begin. I am exhausted. I stand before you millions, 47 million, 54, 32, whatever, you know what I mean, you people... and where is my lattice? I am not sure you are my lattice. Sometimes I know you are there and other times you are not there and sometimes when I
’
m in the shower with my hands scratching around in my head I think of you all, all your millions of heads and legs, standing under buildings shuffling them around, carrying them, taking them apart, making new buildings— And I am with you there, when you
’
re under that fucking building all centipedey and everything you motherfuckers— And when Toph catches his, he flexes with a fury, his muscles just these taut strings, his mouth open, teeth straight and pushing so hard against each other. And when I catch I do it, too, I flex and yell and vibrate— Can you see this? Goddamn, look at that fucking throw did you see Toph throw that goddamn thing, the trajectory on that fucking thing? it
’
s going way past me but I can run under it, I am barefoot and run like an Indian and I can look back and it
’
s still coming, I can see Toph in the distance, blond and perfect— It
’
s up there and rising, Jesus fucking Christ it
’
s small but then it stops up there, it slows and stops all the way up there at the very top, for a second blotting out the sun, and then its heart breaks and it falls— And it
’
s coming down and the sky is all white with the sun and the fris-bee
’
s white too but I can see the thing, I can see that fucker I can make it out and I can run under it I know where that fucking thing is, I will run under and outrun that fucker and be under it and will be there to watch it float so slowly down, spinning floating down I beat you motherfucker and I am there as it drifts down and into my hands, my hands spread out, thumbs as wings, because I am there, ready to cradle it as it spins just for a second until it stops. I am there. I was there. Don
’
t you know that I am connected to you? Don
’
t you know that I
’
m trying to pump blood to you, that this is for you, that I hate you people, so many of you
motherfuckers— When you sleep I want you never to wake up, so many of you I want you to just fucking sleep it away because I only want you to run under with me on this sand like Indians, if you
’
re going to fucking sleep all day fuck you motherfuckers oh when you
’
re all sleeping so many sleeping I am somewhere on some stupid rickety scaffolding and I
’
m trying to get your stupid fucking attention I
’
ve been trying to show you this, just been trying to show you this— What the fuck does it take to show you motherfuckers, what does it fucking take what do you want how much do you want because I am willing and I
’
ll stand before you and I
’
ll raise my arms and give you my chest and throat and wait, and I
’
ve been so old for so long, for you, for you, I want it fast and right through me— Oh do it, do it, you motherfuckers, do it do it you fuckers finally, finally, finally.