A Hidden Truth (25 page)

I ignored his denial and pointed my index finger at him. “And I heard you say that you would be returning to live in High. Why have you been telling me you wanted to remain in East and continue to work with the sheep? All the time you were saying those things you knew you were going to return to Violet as soon as the elders gave their permission.”

“‘The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.'”

“Stop it, Anton. Quoting Scripture is not going to convince me.”

“‘Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.'” As if on cue, one of the sheep bleated and several others joined in.

“Are you finished now?” I raised my voice to be heard above the noisy sheep.

He nodded. “Ja, I am finished, but you should not tell me to stop when you are the one who taught me to use that Scripture when I could feel my anger taking hold.”

Shame washed over me. It was true that I'd been the one to encourage him to use Scripture—particularly the twenty-third Psalm. But when the recitation interfered with my own anger, I wanted him to remain silent. “You're right. I apologize. I should never discourage you from reciting Scriptures. But you should not be telling me lies.”

He stepped closer and took my hand. “I have not told you any lies. Sit down beside me. I am going to tell you everything, so there will be no secrets between us.”

We sat on one of the large toolboxes not far from where I'd been crawling on the floor a short time ago. I folded my hands in my lap, determined to remain silent and carefully listen to what he said. I was sure I would catch him in a lie—probably several.

I tipped my head at an angle and forced a smile. “You may begin. I'm listening.”

“You know about my temper and that because I was in several fights, the elders lost patience with me. I received a warning that if I was involved in any more fisticuffs, I would be sent to another village.”

“Ja, and you were.”

He nodded. “That's right. It was snowing one day and there were about ten or twelve of us that went sledding. Violet and her brother were among those who joined in. On that particular day, she was determined to have time alone with me. On many occasions she made it clear she expected me to marry her, but I never encouraged her and told her I did not have plans to marry anyone.”

I arched my brows. “Well, that may turn out to be true enough if you—”

He held up his hand. “Please let me finish.” He smiled, but I knew he didn't want my interruptions. “As I told you, we were sledding. Violet insisted that she ride down the hill with me. Her brother had gone down right before us. We were approaching the bottom of the hill but still moving pretty fast when she lunged to the side and we both rolled off of the sled. She ended up on top of me. Her brother was standing nearby. I tried to get her off, but she remained there and kissed me—all in front of her brother.”

I gasped. “What did he do?”

“He grabbed my arm and pulled on me while screaming at Violet to get up. Once I was on my feet, he swung at me and landed a hard blow to my cheek.” One corner of his mouth turned upward. “I didn't turn the other cheek. Instead, I knocked him to the ground and gave him the fight of his life.” He massaged the knuckles of his right hand with his left palm. “By the time we finished that fight, the entire truth had been turned upside down. Violet said she hadn't intentionally caused us to roll off the sled. And though she didn't say I had been the cause, she denied that I had tried to get away from her. And her brother said I had struck the first blow. Not wanting to suffer the wrath of her father, Violet said her brother's story was closest to the truth.”

“And you still called her your friend when she visited here the first time? And you were willing to be alone with her in the barn after all of that? Do you think she has changed and will not create more problems for you?”

“You are right, but she is a difficult woman to fend off when she sets her mind to something. I came into the barn with the sheep, and she was sitting in here waiting for me. Her father felt safe leaving her because I was out in the pasture. Your Vater was down here when she arrived and told her she would come to no harm.”

Anton brushed a piece of straw from my hair. “Your Vater probably didn't think she would be here so long or that I would return while she was still here.” He reached down and took my hand. “You do believe me, don't you? You are the only woman I have ever loved, Karlina. No matter what Violet may say, I do not have feelings for her. Please say you believe me.”

Something deep in his eyes told me he was speaking the truth. “I will take what you've told me as truth, Anton, but please don't disappoint me.”

He gathered me in his arms and kissed away any misgivings I'd held on to. Within his arms, I fell under the spell of his tender kisses, and my suspicions evaporated as quickly as an early morning fog.

The supper bell rang, and as we walked toward the house, thoughts of Violet returned. Would she make further accusations against Anton? And if she did, would her father believe her? There was no doubt she was determined to have Anton as her husband. To what lengths might she go to ensnare him? A chill coursed down my spine as I considered the possibilities.

CHAPTER 25

May 1893
Dovie

During each of the many days that followed, Karlina and I returned to Jakub's home. Either together or separate, at least one of us would make a trek up the hill to the Sedlacek farm. Only once had Cousin Louise mentioned missing a portion of that day's broth. Fortunately for me, Sister Bertha had pointed at the stove and told Cousin Louise she was to blame for leaving the kettle on the stove and the broth had boiled down. Cousin Louise hadn't appeared convinced, but she didn't question it further. She did apologize for the scanty portions of gravy served that day, and I remained silent.

Although Sophia's weakness continued, the rest of the family had recovered and her mother and grandmother now were able to care for the girl. For that, I was most thankful, as the journeys to the farmhouse had proved both worrisome and exhilarating. Each time I had ventured to their home, I worried that someone would see me. Yet providing help to the family had given me a sense of fulfillment that I hadn't experienced since I had provided care to my mother. When I expressed those thoughts to Karlina, she said that unless I planned to marry, maybe I should consider training to become a midwife or nurse when I joined my father in Texas.

Her comment caused me to wonder if she was eager for my departure, but moments later, she added that she wanted me to live in East. I didn't confide that my desire to stay wavered back and forth. Once I discovered the truth about my mother's departure, I wasn't certain if I would want to remain. If I was Berndt's half sister, it would be an uncomfortable situation for both of us—and for his father. Not to mention the effect it would have on his stepmother, especially if she hadn't been told the truth. Increasingly certain he was my half brother, guilt overcame me. A half sister should not have the kinds of feelings for her brother that assailed me each time I was in his presence. I had feelings for Berndt, and my thoughts were those of a woman in love with a man she desired to marry—not the thoughts of a sister for her brother.

This morning when he had delivered the bread, I promised to meet Berndt at the pond later in the day. Since it appeared he knew nothing about a relationship between my mother and his father, I decided it would be best if we didn't meet alone again. Karlina and I hadn't departed immediately after the noonday meal. Sister Marta had taken ill, so I stayed to help clear the dishes. Karlina had helped, as well, and though she hadn't moved at her customary speed, it was good to have the extra set of hands. Cousin Louise had been thankful for our help, and my departure had been delayed by only a little over half an hour.

Karlina and I walked toward the barn at a quick pace. There had been another cold snap and we both bowed our heads against the chilly breeze. “Has your father decided when he will begin the shearing?” I had heard Karlina speak at length about the event, and I was curious to see how the shearers would handle the sheep. Karlina told me the experienced men had no problem and could accomplish the task with ease and speed. Though I didn't doubt her word, I couldn't imagine those large sheep holding still for the process.

“With the unexpected change in the weather, Vater has decided to wait until June to begin. Some of the other sheep farmers have already sheared, but Vater will not shear until he is certain the radical changes in temperature have ended. If it turns cold after they are sheared, it is too hard on the sheep.” She smiled. “We wash the sheep before shearing so the wool will be cleaner for the mill. We don't want any possibility of cold weather at shearing time. Vater says that if a shepherd thinks first of his sheep's comfort and care, he will be rewarded with a healthy flock.”

She had lowered her voice as she spoke, and I giggled. “You sound just like your father.”

Karlina joined in my laughter and then pointed toward the barn, where Anton was leading the sheep out to pasture. He lifted his shepherd's crook toward us, and we waved. “What about Anton? Will he help with the shearing?”

“Ja. Vater will give him some lessons before the other shearers arrive. He won't be able to work as quickly as the seasoned shearers, but I think he will do fine. The sheep have learned to recognize his voice and trust him. That should help.”

“Has your father asked Jakub to come and help, too?”

Karlina glanced at me. “Ja. I think Mr. Sedlacek would like Jakub to work at their farm, but he needs the extra money and has agreed Jakub should help with the shearing. Vater is pleased, because Jakub is pretty fast. Not like the professional shearers who go from farm to farm, but he is gut.”

The thought of Mr. Sedlacek speaking to Cousin George was enough to make my stomach drop to my ankles. “Jakub's father didn't tell that we had been there, did he?”

“Nein. Vater didn't talk to Mr. Sedlacek. Jakub came to the barn and spoke to Vater. He said they needed the extra income.” Karlina grasped my hand and we continued onward, walking hand-in-hand like young schoolgirls. “Jakub told me that Sophia has now regained all of her strength and is doing very well.” She drew a little closer as we walked. “He also asked about you. He said you hadn't been near the pond and he missed seeing you.”

“Jakub is a nice young man.”

“Ja, and I think he is as smitten with you as Berndt is.” Karlina squeezed my hand. “You should discourage both of them before you break their hearts.”

I stopped short and yanked on her hand. “I have not been encouraging either one of them. I am going to meet Berndt this afternoon and tell him that we should not see each other alone again.”

“And Jakub? Will you tell him the same?” She shook her head and a lock of brown hair escaped from beneath her bonnet. “I am sure he thinks he might win your heart.”

I sighed, frustrated by the complications. Berndt was the man who had won my heart, but I could not have him. With each passing day I was becoming more and more attracted to life in the colonies—the people, their way of life—and to Berndt. And though I enjoyed Jakub's company and thought him a fine man, I knew he could never be anything more than a friend. It would be unfair if I didn't tell him the truth.

“The next time I see Jakub, I will talk to him, but I hope that we can always be friends.”

Karlina turned loose of my hand. “After you talk to Jakub, you should not meet alone again. If you accidentally cross paths, you should speak and continue on your way. To do otherwise would build false hope.”

“I suppose you are right, but I shall miss his friendship.”

“Better that you feel the loss of his friendship than to have him suffer heartbreak if you continue to see him.” She arched her brows and stared at me. “Ja?”

“Yes, I will tell him.” I had agreed, but in my heart I disliked the idea of terminating my friendship with Jakub, for I knew it would hurt his feelings—and those of his family, as well.

When we neared the barn, Karlina stopped beside me. “I know Berndt will be unhappy with your decision, but soon he will realize that it is best. If you decide to stay and live among us, who knows what the future will hold for the two of you?”

I smiled and gave a slight nod. If Karlina had known Berndt was my half brother, she would never have said such a thing. But she didn't. And neither did I—at least not for sure. Yet I did know my feelings for Berndt were not those of a sister for her brother, and to continue down this path would be treacherous for both of us.

I glanced toward the village. “Your father is coming down to help you this afternoon?”

“Nein. He needs to rest this afternoon, but I am accustomed to being here alone. You go on.” Beads of perspiration dotted her forehead, and she wiped them away with the tips of her fingers.

“You are perspiring when it is this cold? Are you not feeling well?”

“I am fine.” She lifted the corner of her cloak. “I wore my heavy winter cloak, and it is too warm.”

I frowned at her, not sure if she was being completely truthful with me, for I was wearing a heavy coat and was thankful for the warmth. “You are sure you're not ill?”

“You should stop with your worrying. Go and meet Berndt, and when you've finished your talk with him, come back and tell me how it went.”

After promising to return, I hurried toward the pond. I wasn't certain what time Berndt would arrive, but I didn't want to miss him. If he wasn't there when I arrived, I decided I would wait in a nearby grove of trees. If I didn't hide and Jakub should happen along the road above the hillside, he would see me and likely come down for a visit. To be sitting and talking with Jakub when Berndt arrived would not be good.

I was pleased to see Berndt sitting in our usual spot near the pond. I called to him as I approached. Several birds that had roosted on a nearby limb took wing when I shouted my greeting, and I glanced heavenward as they flew off. Berndt stood and waved. Even at this distance, I could see his broad smile. I doubted he'd be smiling when we parted. That thought caused me pain, but I remained determined.

When I'd drawn a bit closer, he ran to meet me, but when he attempted to kiss my cheek, I backed away. I saw the hurt in his eyes but continued to smile. “Come, let's sit down.” Once he was seated beside me, all thoughts of how to begin the conversation escaped me. I should have rehearsed.

He reached for my hand, but I moved my arm before he could gain a hold. His eyebrows furrowed and confusion shone in his eyes. “Have I done something that has angered you? I thought you wanted to meet me this afternoon. I am on time, ja?”

I nodded. “You are on time and I wanted to meet you, but what I have to say is something that will make neither of us very happy.”

He frowned, but then he tipped his head to the side and chuckled. “If it will make both of us unhappy, then I will talk instead.”

“I wish it could be that easy, Berndt, but it will not.” Tears burned the back of my eyes. I folded my hands together and placed them in my lap. I couldn't bear to look at him, so I stared at my hands resting atop my black woolen skirt. “It is better if we do not see each other anymore. I will still see you when you deliver the bread, but it is not wise for us to see each other like this in the future.”

Mouth agape, he stared at me as if I had announced a recent death. And perhaps I had. The death of our relationship and what might have been. “You are teasing with me, ja? Why would you not be able to see me again? I have spoken of how much I care for you, Dovie. You know it is my wish that you remain in the colonies. I do not understand.”

“I don't know what the future holds for me, and it isn't fair for us to continue to build hope and then have it end. It would be too painful.”

“You are speaking in riddles. Why was it fine a week ago, but it is not today?”

“It never was all right, but I wanted to believe it could work.”

He grabbed my hand. “It can work. Together we can make it work.”

“There's so much you don't know and can't understand right now, Berndt.” My voice broke as I spoke. “And I can't change any of it. I'm doing my best to unearth the truth, and when I do, I hope that you will remain my friend.”

He shifted on the log and turned to face me. “You know that nothing you say is making any sense. If you came to me and said that you have decided to go and live with your father—this I can understand. I would not like it, but I would understand. But all of this talk that you are trying to dig up some truth—this I do not understand.” He closed his eyes and then opened them wide. “Can you say you do not love me?”

His question shot through me like a sharp arrow, and I jumped to my feet. “I must go now. I am sorry it must be this way.” Hiking my skirt above my ankles, I ran toward the barn. I couldn't answer any further questions. If I did, he would see my tears and ask even more questions. Questions I couldn't answer.

When I had almost reached the barn, I turned to glance over my shoulder. Berndt was nowhere in sight. I had expected him to run after me. A part of me had wanted him to, but I knew he'd made the right decision. The one that was best for both of us.