A LaLa Land Addiction (25 page)

Bleu was left speechless. She felt the wetness of Sienna's tears as they fell and mixed with her own.

“I'm so sorry,” Sienna said.

Bleu had become what Sienna had shown her a woman should be; now Sienna had to help Bleu in her quest for redemption.

For the first time, Bleu felt like she could bounce back. It was like the fifteen minutes of love that Sienna had bestowed upon her was the real euphoria that she had been chasing. The feeling she felt in this moment was incomparable to any drug she had put into her body. It was a different level of satisfaction. This feeling didn't just trick her senses temporarily; it resonated in her heart. The love of her mother, the love that Bleu had wanted her entire life, made her feel whole.

“It's going to get worse before it gets better,” Sienna said. “You just have to be strong. You can do this. You're so much better than me.”

Bleu wanted to stay angry at Sienna. Bleu wanted to tell her about every single moment that she had needed a mother but had been let down. She wanted to rub in the fact that Sienna had failed her over and over again, but she knew that she would be hypocritical. Bleu was now in her mother's shoes, and although she had no child, she had done her fair share of damage to people's hearts … Iman's and Noah's in particular. Although it had never been her intention, when people walked away from her they walked away with emotional scars. That was her impact on Iman and she was sure it would be her impact on Noah as well. She dreaded it, but such was life for a young woman addicted to dope. Who was she to hold grudges and place judgment when she was ruining lives herself?

“I'm going to show you why you should get clean, Bleu. You're my daughter and I have so many regrets. There are so many things I wish I could go back and do differently. I'm going to motivate you to get clean. This isn't what I wanted for you. I'll show you why you need to stay away from the drugs. I promise you. After it's all said and done you won't want to touch it ever again,” she said.

Bleu clung to Sienna until her tears turned dry and exhaustion forced her to sleep. Sienna lay there, holding her child, praying to God, for hours. When Sienna finally decided to get up she planted a kiss on Bleu's forehead. “I love you, my smart girl,” she whispered before leaving the room.

Noah sat outside of the door, his back leaned against the wall as his elbows rested on his knees. He looked up when Sienna exited.

“How is she?” he asked.

Sienna sniffed as she wiped her emotional eyes. “She's in a bad way, but she'll be okay. She's going to crash, for days probably, and when she wakes up is when the hard part begins. She's going to see why she has to kick this. I have to show her,” Sienna said. “I've been so selfish. I have to be selfless in order to save my daughter.”

Noah stood, confused by her ramblings but grateful that she was on board to contribute to Bleu's recovery.

“You take care of her,” Sienna said as she walked by him, heading for the door.

Noah nodded.
I always have,
he thought as she disappeared from sight.

*   *   *

Sienna went back to the hole-in-the-wall motel room where she lived. It was all she could afford on the waitress's paycheck that the diner provided. She couldn't complain. It had four walls, running water, and a bed. She had slept in much worse places. She had made a plan for the next six months of her life that centered around staying clean. She went to meetings faithfully, she read the Bible nightly and prayed religiously to God to deliver her. Sienna had worked hard to stay away from the life, but when she had seen her daughter she knew that what happened to her no longer mattered. She was heartbroken, her emotions spent by the mere thought of her Bleu being more like her than she would have ever wanted. Bleu never knew, but Sienna had bragged on her daily.
My baby out in la-la land kicking ass and taking names,
Sienna would tell her friends as they all sat around enjoying a good high. She knew the people whose ears she sang Bleu's praises to could care less, but still Sienna gloated anyway. Bleu was a representation of Sienna, so the fact that she had made it out was fulfilling for Sienna.

She had to get that smart shit from somewhere. That's me in her,
Sienna would say.

Sienna was devastated to find out that Bleu was more like her than she thought. Bleu had gone all the way to California and brought home a la-la land addiction. Sienna knew that it was all her fault.

She sat down and pulled the twenty-dollar rock out of the front of her apron and then rolled the brand-new glass pipe between her fingers as her vision misted with regret. Her heart raced as she struggled with her decision. She pulled the needle out of her apron.
Fuck smoking it.
In order for it to hit her quickly she needed it in her veins. She wanted it to happen fast and quick. She knew it would be the best high of her life. She picked up her phone and sent Ms. Monica her home address.

Sienna wanted to be strong, to stay the course of her journey as a new woman, but seeing Bleu had left her feeling so empty. This was the only way to rectify the many wrongs she had committed against her daughter. Sienna had cherished the moments that she had spent with Bleu in her clear mind. It was the first time she had looked at how beautiful Bleu was through sober eyes. Sienna wished that she hadn't taken it for granted before. She had missed so much. Ripping and running through the back alleys of Flint had robbed her of all credibility as a parent. She hoped she could make up for that now. She hoped Bleu would appreciate her one day.

Sienna picked up a piece of paper and pen. These would be her last thoughts as a clean woman, so she wanted to document them before she put the needle in her arm.

My beautiful Bleu,

I don't know if you know how you got your name; in fact, I'm pretty sure that I never told you. We never had the mother-daughter heart-to-hearts, but the day you were born I saw the clearest blue sky. You were about to bust out of my pussy and rip me from front to back and the only thing that took the pain away was gazing at that sky. I can still remember the hues of blue and white. I had never seen anything more beautiful until I set my eyes on you, and so Bleu Montclair was born. I wish I had tried so much harder to get to know you, because knowing you and truly being loved by you is a blessing. It is a privilege that I missed out on because of my foolish ways. I'm less than a woman because I failed to love my child. That was the one job I was put on this earth to do and I failed. I am so sorry. From the bottom of my being, I regret every day that passed that I neglected you. I'm sorry for every man I let hurt you. I was chasing the devil's tail and being so stupid. I was a bad mother and a selfish person. God trusted me with you and I ruined you. I tore you down before the world ever got its hands on you, so you were equipped with nothing to defend yourself with. I never told you that I love you, but know that I do. As I write this my mind is as clear as that blue sky on the day you were born and the thing I know most in this moment is that I love you, my daughter.

I hope you don't judge me after you read this, because what I'm about to do next is for you. You have to see what will happen to you if you continue to abuse drugs. You have to know that it will kill you. That it will destroy you as it is about to destroy me. Do not end up like me, Bleu. I have the will to stay clean. Before seeing you today I would have stayed clean. I'm getting high today to show you that if you continue to smoke dope, or shoot poison in your veins, or even just do a quick snort to pick you up from time to time you will die. You will end up dead, soul first, but your body will inevitably follow. Get clean for me. Do it to prove that you are nothing like me, you are better than me. I'm sorry for the love I never showed you, because despite my actions I always felt it. I know you will never understand, but I'm doing this now to be the sacrifice that will make you wake up and get you to fight for your life. Get clean, Bleu, and when it gets hardest and you think you can't take the pain just look up into the sky. I'm sorry, Bleu. My heart will forever hold you in it.

Your mother,
Sienna

Sienna folded the letter and addressed it, then set it on the nightstand in the room. She picked up the crack rock. This time felt different from all the other times she had done this same routine. She knew it would be her last taste. She had purchased a hot shot from one of the local dealers. The bag of bad dope would kill her certainly, feeling good momentarily before sizzling in her veins and going straight to her brain. She was afraid, but most of all she was ready. Ready to leave this life of pain and regret behind. More so, Sienna was ready to show Bleu what her reality would be if she stayed on this reckless path. Sienna hoped her death wouldn't be in vain, but in her gut she knew that as Bleu mourned her dead body it would give her the strength she needed to get back on her feet.

Sienna tied a belt around her arm, then melted down the dope. She drew in a sharp breath as she stuck the needle in a bulging vein. A tear slid down her face as bliss overtook her. Somehow the last high felt just as orgasmic as the first, probably because each of them was the last of their kind; she would never feel this way again. Her first hit had birthed her and the final one would put her to rest. A burning sensation ran up her arm and Sienna's mouth fell open in an O of excruciation before her body seized and she fell out of the chair. Her head hit the floor with a sickening crack, blinding her as everything turned white before her eyes. Sienna had once heard that when you were a child of God death would be painless, euphoric in fact, as God welcomed his angel into heaven. She knew exactly where she was going. The amount of pain she felt was immeasurable, and as every second ticked by she knew she had earned a one-way ticket to hell. It was too late to repent. She just prayed that her death would save Bleu's life.

 

19

Ms. Monica stepped out of her car and looked up at the motel. She wasn't sure who had texted her the address in the wee hours of the morning, but something had drawn her here. At first she thought it might have been Noah sending her a message through someone else, but when he had called her this morning to thank her for assisting him with Bleu last night she knew that he hadn't sent the message. She approached the room and knocked on the door. She wasn't frightened but more wary of what she might be walking into. No one answered and Ms. Monica frowned, deciding to walk to the front office.

“How can I help you?” the front-desk clerk asked.

“Who is in room nine A?” Ms. Monica asked.

“I can't tell you that, ma'am. I have to protect our guests' privacy,” the clerk responded.

Ms. Monica sighed and pulled a hundred-dollar bill out of her purse and set it on the countertop. “I really need to know who is in that room,” she insisted.

The clerk slid the money into her pocket before typing into the computer.

“Looks like a Sienna Montclair is checked into that room.”

Ms. Monica frowned. “I need you to open the room for me,” she said as an ominous feeling of doom filled her.

“I can't do that.”

“Listen. Sienna is a recovering drug addict and she sent me this text late last night. I'm afraid she might be using in that room. Now if you don't let me in I can call the police and I'm sure they will be more than willing to kick in the door,” Ms. Monica said.

The clerk made a copy of the plastic key card and then handed it to Ms. Monica.

She hustled, half-running, half-walking, as she rushed back to Sienna's room. “God, please let this woman still be clean,” Ms. Monica whispered before opening the door.

She didn't even have to walk inside to see the tragedy that had occurred. Ms. Monica gasped as she covered her mouth in horror. Sienna's body lay contorted, with her eyes wide open. There was white residue and blood dried around her nose. The needle that had killed her was still protruding from her arm.

Ms. Monica knew that it wasn't a coincidence that the day after seeng Bleu Sienna had gone back to drugs. She would never know the true motive, but she was well aware that Bleu's addiction had pushed Sienna off the wagon. Ms. Monica noticed the envelope that was addressed to Bleu and grabbed it. She placed it in her purse before picking up the phone to call 911.

*   *   *

Knock. Knock.

Bleu heard the faint sound of someone knocking on the door, but she was so tired. She could barely even open her eyes. She was crashing from the high and it made her want to sleep endlessly. Everything just felt too hard. Even breathing took too much effort. She lay in Noah's plush bed as she struggled to open her eyes. She wouldn't mind the rest under normal circumstances, but this kind of sleep felt like misery. It was like she was spiraling in an endless black hole. The nightmares that haunted her were inescapable, because she didn't even have the energy to just wake herself up. So instead she lay there, stuck between life and death, writhing in her sleep as she went through the first twenty-four hours of withdrawal. The demons that dwelled beneath her closed lids were terrifying, and although her body was still, her heart raced as she battled internally for her soul. Bleu didn't know if she was hallucinating or if there were really angels and demons at war around the bed, but each time her eyes lazily drifted open she saw the shadows around her, battling. She could only get a glimpse of them before drifting back into the depths of sleep. The hours of the night passed her by, but she didn't wake when the sun arose. She was on God's time, and until one side came out victorious she wouldn't wake up. She tossed and turned, her eyes shed tears, and she whimpered in agony as her body sweated profusely, all the while she never awakened fully. It was the most terrifying thing she had every experienced. While the angels around her were beautiful—they had wings that were the most brilliant color of white she had ever seen—the demons were horrifying. Their faces contorted in darkness as their bodies flew over her like shadows in the night.