Read A Life In A Moment Online
Authors: Stefanos Livos
Though I
could only imagine how desperately awkward it would be for them, I
introduced Angelique to her.
When Ellie
left us, we huddled together in a corner, returning to talk of the
accident with Thanos and Natalia. It fell upon Michalis after he had
fled the house following a quarrel with Ellie. In the heat of his
anger, he turned a corner too violently and his motorbike fell down,
hurtling across the road and crashing into the barricade. His helmet
protected him from nothing but scratches and bruising upon his face,
leaving his head irreparably injured. A motorist following behind him
stopped and called an ambulance. Barely alive, but having lost an
arm, they rushed him to the nearest hospital.
Overcome
with horror, Angelique walked away from us. I followed her to try to
calm her down. It was the first time I had ever seen her in shock.
«It
is all just so scary», she whispered, shaking like a leaf. I
would soon learn the real reason why she was in such a state —
the result of her past and her losses. But not only hers...
The
funeral was held the next morning. With the ironically cheerful
promise of spring, we gathered around the gaping grave of the young
man with whom we had all shared many moments in our lives. It was a
performance without a script, exaggeratedly emotional and dressed in
the dull, dead clothes of mourning.
Moments of
surreal confusion crept up on me, when I thought I had arrived at the
wrong funeral and that when the casket was opened, there would be a
pale stranger instead of my old friend. But when the lid was finally
pulled back, the waxen mask of his face took me straight to the past,
to that very night of our last encounter.
With
the muffled slamming shut of the casket, his face could only be
conjured again through memories and photographs. His mother and Ellie
sobbed and wailed, making sense only, perhaps, to God. The rest of
our tears fell soundlessly.
They
started lowering the coffin into the dug pit. Ellie was the one to
throw the first handful of earth, turning it into mud with her tears.
There was one handful from each of us and then the coffin started to
fade away.
It was so
strange a sensation.
When the
handfuls were over, the spades started working. Before long, the pit
was filled with soil. Everyone started leaving. Angelique and I
placed a bouquet of flowers and stayed there, over the tomb.
Who
could have imagined that, Michalis… I am sorry for what
happened. And for what did not happen and could have happened
,
I told him with silent words, hoping he could hear me, equipped —
as he must have been now — with metaphysical powers.
Midnight
was silent in our attic hideaway as we lay in each other’s
arms.
«What
upset you so badly when Thanos told us about the accident?» I
asked eventually.
She took a
long time before replying. Her eyes shut tightly closed, I thought
she might have fallen asleep.
«It
reminded me of the accident my grandparents had. I’ve never
told you how they were killed.» She twisted out from my arms,
and sat up beside me, knees drawn pensively up to her chin. «They
used to travel a lot around Europe, sending me postcards from every
town and village they passed through. One time, they decided to
travel the entire length and breadth of England. A month later, and
having completed their hop on hop off trip, they were travelling back
to London, when their train was derailed by a car, which had jumped a
crossing. A suicide, apparently… I was only five years old.»
I fought
with the words I was hearing.
She smiled
through her sadness. «Death sometimes can be strangely witty...
They found Granny and Grandpa naked, one flesh, bloody and almost
mutilated. Can you believe it? They were making love in their cabin,
when the train crashed.»
It was
disturbingly beautiful. But a thorn had lodged in my heart.
«When
exactly did that happen?»
«Almost
twenty years ago.»
I looked
at her, shock forcing the thorn even deeper into my heart’s
flesh. «On July 21st?»
«Yes.
I didn’t remember I had already told you the story…»
Dumbstruck,
I began to see that the thorn worrying itself deeper and deeper into
my heart was a sickening realisation. «My precious
Angelique, the car that derailed your grandparents’ train... it
was my parents’ car.»
Our mouths
were agape in the face of this unbearable knowledge, as if we wanted
the facts to rush inside us like air into our lungs, and be absorbed
into the blood of our understanding. This twisted trick of fate, this
devastating coincidence was too much to comprehend within the reality
that had brought us together.
A
persistent ring of the doorbell woke us. Angelique rushed downstairs
to get the door, and, moments later, I found her awkwardly holding
its handle.
«I’ll
go get our things packed», she told me, before forcing a polite
smile at Ellie. As she was passing me by on her way to the stairs,
her hand stroked me meaningfully on the shoulder.
«I
came because I want us to talk», said Ellie.
I nodded
my head. «Would you prefer to talk outside?»
She forged
a hard smile from the warped face of her grief and we headed to the
veranda.
«It
was always so beautiful here. So serene.»
«Yes...»
«It
seems too long since our last gathering here together. How long has
it actually been?»
«About
a decade...?»
She
nodded, mentally flipping the photographs of her memory from that
time. She hung back in silence for a while, as if gathering strength
from it.
«We
all made mistakes, Vassilis. Many mistakes.»
I didn’t
say anything. I couldn’t say anything.
«Don’t
take this the wrong way, but you did overreact», she said,
seemingly maintaining her composure and looking out to sea.
«Excuse
me?»
«We
were teenagers, Vassilis. We knew nothing about life. And at the
first mistake we made, you ran away. You didn’t stay even for
one more day to confront us and hear us out. Did you ever think how
foolish and childish was your reaction?»
Unjust
fists, her words slammed again and again into my face.
«What
happened was obviously wrong, but it was not the end of the world. It
was hardly a tragedy, but still, you ran away and it took you seven
year to come back…»
«Ellie...
After these
seven years
apart, we’re drawn together because of Michalis’ death,
and you’re coming here to tell me this?»
«Running
away was easy», she obliterated my words with her own. «Never
once did you think about what the world you were leaving behind would
be like after you left. For all the furtive excitement I shared with
Michalis, he knew I was always unswayingly in love with you. The
fights and arguments about it never ceased. It was one of these
quarrels that drove him out the house
that
night.»
My
presumption that she had come for some sort of consolation or advice,
on how to build her life again, was swept away by her bitter
perception of reality. My frustration and anger slowed my heart into
an agony of paralysis.
«Ellie,
I got the hell out of your lives when we were all nineteen. It’s
been
seven
years
since then. I’ve been able to build a wonderful life there and
I’m incredibly proud of it. It is not my fault if you were not
able to rebuild
your
life here.»
Hearing my
own words, I suddenly realized how desperately she grasped for
something, anything, to help make sense of her disaster, her
devastation. Her despair was distorting, and though I could now
understand where she was coming from, I just couldn’t bring
myself to take up the blame she pushed at me like a warrant of
arrest.
«Why
did you never
once
contact me, Ellie? Did you not believe you needed to say sorry to
me?»
«Vassilis,
if I had tried to get back in touch with you, Michalis’
jealousy would have become a fire I could never then put out.»
«So,
let me get this right. It was Michalis who didn’t want to
apologise?»
Her
face darkened, almost in resignation. «No. He didn’t
believe he owed one at all, but let’s admit it, Vassilis: you
were never truly friends with him. You hung out together, that’s
all. The two of you competed constantly against each other. And if
you can be honest with yourself, you left that night because you had
lost
to
him
. You
didn’t leave because you had lost me.»
«Ellie!
How can you think like that?»
I dived
deep into the sea of that time, to see if I could find the truth, to
hunt out if she was right at all. The sea became more and more murky,
menace lurking in the dark. Kicking hard away from the depths, I fled
whatever might attack from inside the darkness of my memories.
«When
Michalis sent Thanos to ask you to be our best man, even then it was
to deal his last blow. He was absolutely sure you wouldn’t
accept — and that was exactly why I was desperate that you
would! Then, at least, your silly game would have ended in a draw.
But you fell straight into his trap.»
I looked
away, hiding my eyes from her searching ones. I hated what she’d
said, but there was more to come:
«Don’t
go back. Stay here, with me. I need you», I heard her say.
This woman
standing before me was not the Ellie I knew. She was weak. Pitiable.
A woman who had deluded herself into believing I would stay to take
care of her, love her and take revenge against the ghost of Michalis.
She had single-handedly made me despise her.
«Ellie,
I feel as though I never really knew you. I wonder if Michalis
married the Ellie I knew, or the one standing before me.»
Her fixed
stare showed no signs of her listening to me.
«What
does
she
have that I don’t?»
«Ellie,
enough! You have to understand that you need to get over this
terrible shock and grief of yours. And you will. And then it will be
time to get on with your life. On your own. You’re still
young.»
Angelique
stepped onto the veranda. Looking at her, I realised how incredibly
lucky I was. Her presence dragged me from the quicksand of Ellie’s
accusations, blaming and perplexing mysteriousness.
«Our
bags are packed.»
«When
are you leaving?»
«Tonight»,
I said, walking closer to Angelique in a show of love and allegiance.
We saw
Ellie off at the door. Angelique tried to encourage her with a few
words, and she thanked us for everything, wishing us a safe journey.
Her eyes softened into a helpless sweetness that I wondered if our
conversation on the veranda had been just a figment of my
imagination.
On our way
to the airport that evening, we dropped by my aunt’s to say
goodbye. Though they promised to accept our invitation to visit us in
London, we all knew deep down they would not.
Standing
at Departures, an hour later, Natalia hugged Angelique:
«It
was really lovely to meet you! It’s just such a pity that we
didn’t have enough time to really get to know each other.»
My French
girl smiled back, in a promise to spend together all the time in the
world the next time we would meet.
«So
long», chose Thanos as his goodbye.
The day
before, at the lighthouse, we had talked about everything. Driving
along Michalis’ route, we stopped at his crash site in a humbly
silent tribute to him. Wordlessly, we eventually made our way back to
the car and headed to the lighthouse.
«Are
you coping with all this?» I asked him, breaking into his mute
distraction.
«I
don’t know. Natalia says I haven’t processed what’s
happened.»
We shared
our unspoken thoughts for minutes at a time, and then tuned out into
our separate silences, which rhymed with the waves against the rocks
below.
«How
do you think Ellie’s going to cope? What will she do?» I
asked.
«What
is she supposed to do? What do you expect her to do? She’ll cry
until her grief runs dry, and then carry on. That’s what we’ll
all do. It’s all we
can
do.»
«Thank
goodness they didn’t have children.»
«Yes.
Thank God», he said, and after a short pause:
«How
about you? How has all of this affected you?»
The pause
between us stretched and stretched until my answer snapped us back
into the moment. «I was devastated. Especially for Ellie’s
sake. But, if I have to be completely honest, I lived the last seven
years as though Michalis were already dead. Perhaps if I had been
here and never left, it may have been different. I don’t really
think his death will affect me much more than it already has.»
«I
can’t blame you for feeling like that.»
And now,
at the airport, he stood with me wearing the same lost face he had
worn at the funeral. I wanted to ask him to take care of Ellie, to
keep her from drowning in the darkness of her mind. I wanted to tell
him about that her morning visit and the strange words we’d
exchanged. I didn’t. I was still battling with my confusion of
whether her words had come from her truest heart or whether they had
been dictated by the grief in her soul. Sometimes pain drives us to
say things we don’t mean and then later, don’t even
remember having said. It is always the words we regret, rather than
the silences. This is why grief has to be mute.