A Life Less Broken (6 page)

Dominic

I cradle
Allyn in my arms and just let her cry. She’s shivering, but I don’t think it’s from
the cold rain pelting us so relentlessly.

She sobs
into my chest. Her arms cling on to me and I do the only thing I can for a
person screaming at God to take their pain away.

I simply
hold her and let her get it all out.

I’ve dedicated
the last ten days to gaining Allyn’s trust. I’ve pushed her, without her even
realizing I’m doing it, all while giving her space to breathe and time to tell
me what she wants me to know.

Day by day,
her walls have begun to crumble, the bulletproof barrier she had built so
tightly around her finally melted away.

“Will I ever
be able to breathe again?” she asks as her gray, tear-filled eyes look at me.

“Yes. You will
be able to breathe, and eventually, you’ll start to live.” I smooth her matted
hair down as she buries her face against my completely saturated chest.

We sit on
the soggy ground, not moving. Not a damn inch.

And I don’t
care that we’re being beaten by the storm.

The clouds
keep hammering us with rain so strong and forceful that I instinctively try to shelter
Allyn’s trembling body with mine so she doesn’t get hurt.

She’s
absolutely at ease in my arms and her body is pressed tightly against mine.

Allyn may
have a shattered spirit, a dark, consumed mind and horrible memories that haunt
her every waking moment. But there’s no denying the warmth that her body emits.

She has the
most beautiful, expressive gray eyes I’ve ever seen. They hold so much yearning
for a future that’s hovering just beyond her reach.

When she smiles,
a small light bursts through her entire body, a light that comes from deep
within her. Her body may hold onto the past, but Allyn’s soul craves a future
of sun and warmth.

With Allyn
safely in my arms, I watch the sky above as its assault on us begins to ease.
Slowly, the rain recedes, calming to a mere sprinkle.

“I’m sorry,
Dominic,” Allyn says but doesn’t move her head from my chest.

“You have no
reason to apologize.”

She tightens
her arms around me.

I tighten
mine around her.

“You’re
soaked and sitting out here in the rain because of me,” she mumbles.

“That’s not
how I see it.”

Her sweet
face looks up at me as she blinks the water away. “How do you see it?”

“I’m not
sitting in the rain, I’m supporting you.”

“I’d like to
go inside now and dry off,” she says as she moves out of the protection of my
arms.

I let her
go, but…

Instantly I
miss feeling her warmth.

Allyn
stands, completely soaked through, and starts in the direction of the house.
She stops and looks back over her shoulder to me.

I’m standing
up as she does this, and I see her – really see her as a woman – for the first
time.

Her beauty shines
through, lighting up gray eyes in her delicate, angelic face.

Living
through her ordeal and still having any fight left in her makes her extraordinary.
I see beyond the scars on her throat and face, the way her left eye droops, or
even how she tries to hide her right ear because the top was bitten off.

She’s an
inspiration, and truly exceptional. She fights every day against the dark, not
allowing it to take her over. And today, she finally smashed the bars of her
own jailed mind, escaping toward freedom.

She’s wonderfully
stunning and doesn’t even know it.

She turns
back and takes the remaining few steps to go inside her house.

“Allyn,” I
call to her.

She stops
again and turns around toward me.

“You may
have come out here to yell at the world, but
you
took those steps.
You
decided to face your pain and not let it defeat you. No one made you do this.”
I move my hands indicating that we’re outside.

Allyn retraces
her steps until she’s standing before me.

“It’s time
for me to let the broken go,” she says as her eyes focus on the neckline of my
t-shirt.

Her words
stun me.

She’s yelled
and she’s cried.

And now she
knows it’s time for her to start healing.

“I’m going
to get you a towel and then I’ll get changed.” Allyn smiles wanly and heads
back inside to her warm house.

I get to her
back porch and take my drenched shoes and socks off. Picking them up, I take
them to the front entrance and leave them by the door. Allyn comes downstairs
carrying a large towel, hands it to me, and disappears back upstairs.

I dry off as
much as I can in the guest bathroom next to the mud room. I take my clothes off
and wring them as dry as I can into the sink before I put them back on and head
out to the kitchen.

“Allyn, I’m
going to go,” I say as I see her standing in the kitchen waiting for the kettle
to boil. I don’t want to leave her, but I wasn’t prepared for today either. She
may need me right now, but I also need to give her the space to assess what’s
happened for herself.

“Dominic,”
she calls to me as I turn to get my knapsack.

“Yeah?” I
turn to look at her.

“Thank you.
What you did for me is just…” She doesn’t finish the sentence, I think by the
way she’s biting her lip and her eyebrows are knitted together, she simply
doesn’t know how to express what she feels.

“You did it
all on your own, Allyn.” I pick my bag up and move toward the front door.

Allyn is
right behind me. I can hear her feather-light footsteps following me.

“Tomorrow
I’d like sit out in the back yard and have a coffee, as long as it’s not
raining,” I tell her as I pick my shoes and socks up.

“I think I
can do that now,” she says, nodding her head.

“I’ll see
you tomorrow. Call me if you want to talk.” I’ve already given her my direct
numbers in case she needs me.

“Dominic?”

“What is
it?” I ask as I step on to the front porch.

“You gave me
the courage to open the door.”

Satisfaction
– and something else – surges through me.

I lock the
door behind Dominic and watch as he gets in his dark red BMW and drives away. I
think I see him turn back toward the house before he leaves,
or maybe he
didn’t
. Maybe it’s my imagination. I
do
need a person in my life
that I can trust…but is Dominic that person?  Maybe my mind’s just playing
tricks on me.

While we sat
outside in the pounding rain, Dominic’s arms wrapped tightly around me, it felt
right.

Like that’s where
I belong, secure in his embrace. Against his chest I felt safe and comfortable.

But I know
that he’s my doctor and nothing more.  It probably is all in my mind.

And I’m also
well aware that just because I
finally
was able to open that fucking
door and step outside, I’m far from being healed.

I may never
work right again. My heart may never reach the potential for love it once had,
which could inhibit any sort of intimate relationship I may want to experience.

But with Dominic…

The way he held
me against his firm torso.

How his arms
felt around my body.

The way he
smoothed my hair down with his big, masculine hands. He used them to soothe me,
not to hurt me,
like they did
.

Or even the
small kiss he pressed into my hair as I sobbed, crying uncontrollably into his
chest. They’re all things a man would do for the person he cherishes.

I’m just his
patient, and he’s only my doctor.

There’s also
the gap in our ages. I’m twenty-three, while I think that Dominic is closer to
if not already forty.

The age
difference is enough to set us apart.

But does age
really matter?

Would it
make a difference to me if I saw an older man with a younger woman, walking
down the street together holding hands? I don’t think so.

What really
bothers me is that I don’t know a lot about Dominic, and even if the attraction
I imagine is real, my mind and body are too broken to be able to give him what
he wants and needs.

Turning away
from the door, I take myself into the bathroom and strip as I turn on the water
for a hot shower.

There are no
mirrors anywhere in my home, so I can’t look at the disgusting, disfigured
person that would stare back in the reflection.

I wouldn’t be
able to look at that woman and feel anything but pity for her.

But when I
look down at my body, I can see horrid reminders of the day I was taken.

The bite
marks all over my stomach have mostly faded, but I can still see the outlines
of them.

There was a
cut across my right breast where they sliced off my nipple and left a hole.
Where I should have an areola, there is now just a surgically stitched-together
lump.

I would feel
pity if I could go out on the street and saw someone with a scar starting behind
her left ear running down to her collar bone. Another ugly reminder that they
wanted me dead, but they didn’t succeed.

And the huge
bite mark on my right shoulder that’s still so clear I can see individual tooth
marks.

My body is a
walking keepsake, holding memories I can never get rid of.

Scars that
tell a story I’d rather forget.

A story that
still plagues me with night terrors. A story so desperately tragic, that you’d
be forgiven if you doubted it was real.

But real is
exactly what it is to me; my body is the proof that it happened.

In the
shower, I begin to lather my hands and run them over every ridge and scar
embedded in my skin.

I don’t
remember how I got all of them, since I was in and out of consciousness.  But
when I was in hospital, the nurses described them to me.

I cried.

And I wished
my life had ended.

I hoped I’d be
able to simply stop breathing in my sleep.

Now I stand
in the shower and let the warm water wash over me as I think about the
magnitude of what happened today. I fought my demons head on. I stood up and
showed them that I can fight.

I showed
me
that I can fight.

Maybe I can
leave my broken life behind and slowly let the shards of me mend.

I’ll never
be whole. There will always be cracks, but maybe…

Maybe I’ll be
okay.

I turn the
water off, step out of shower, and wrap a large bath towel around my hideous
body. Walking into my bedroom, I get my pajamas ready before drying myself. As
I pull open my panty drawer, my eye is drawn outside. Something cobalt blue flies
by. When I turn and walk to my bedroom window, the most brilliant blue jay rests
on the window sill.

I stand
inside, admiring the sheer beauty of its feathers. The color is so vivid and so
arresting that all I can do is stand still and marvel at its splendor.

Within
seconds the blue jay flies away, but I’m left with an inspiring image of the dazzling
bird as it spreads its wings and soars freely through the sky.

I can’t make
my feet move or my brain think of anything other than that blue jay. I stand, I
don’t know for how long, in front of the bedroom window just looking at the
spot where the bird landed.

I can’t
recall seeing a blue jay in the past three years.

Have they
been here all along, waiting for me to notice and appreciate their beauty?

The blue jay
graced me with one moment of elegance before it remembered its freedom and flew
away.

Was the blue
jay asking me to look at myself and assess the significance of what happened
today?

Was that me,
stretching my wings?

Was today my
first small step to finding my own independence?

Lying in bed
and staring up at the ceiling, I let my mind drift back to yesterday. For the
first time since I came home from the hospital, I opened the door and went
outside.

I didn’t
just walk outside, I
ran
outside.

I was so mad
at the storm and the universe it represented that I couldn’t unlock the doors
fast enough to get out there and just scream at it. But is going outside again,
without the rage, something I can do?

Dominic said
that he wants to have his coffee outside if it’s not raining, and right now I’m
praying it’s going to rain. However, the sun seems to be streaming happily in
through my bedroom window, paying no heed to my wishes.

I’m not sure
going outside today will come as easily for me. Yesterday, I was in a mindless
state of fury that had me breaking down my own barriers, but today… I’m not so
confident.

Getting out
of bed, I wonder if the blue jay from yesterday will come back to visit. I go
over to the window seat and just stare out. The majestic tree outside the
window gently sways as light wind sings through its branches.

I can do
this. I can break the shackles of fear that imprison me and I can try to move
on. With Dominic to support me, I believe I can free myself.

I dress in
jeans and a long-sleeved sweater and go downstairs to make a coffee. It’s
already nearing ten and I know that Dominic will be here soon. As I stand in
the kitchen and look out my window, there’s an uncomfortable feeling in my
throat as I swallow.

Yesterday’s angry
rain has stopped. Today the sky is filled with blue skies and gentle, fluffy,
white clouds that float so effortlessly in the atmosphere. They move against
the light blue background, allowing me to breathe easy for the first time in a
long time.

I’m not
really sure how to feel about going outside today. It requires what now seems a
bold sort of freedom, something I haven’t experienced since the day I was taken.
It’s like a light has been lit, and now is the time for me to let that illumination
guide me to a better, more hopeful place.

Sipping my
coffee, I’m totally captivated by the magical mystery of the clouds. They talk
to me; they yell at me; they scream at me; they soothe me.

But when
they’re angry, they never let me forget.

Ring.

Ring, ring.

My phone
snaps me out of my preoccupation and brings me back to reality.

“Hello,” I
say into the phone.

“Do I get to
come inside today?” Dominic says.

“Are you
here already?” I go to the front door. I turn the alarm off, open the heavy
wooden door, and unlock the mesh door.

We both hang
up at the same time.

“I was wondering
if you were going to let me in. I’ve been knocking for a few minutes.”

“Sorry, I
was just looking outside and thinking.” I look down and see he’s got two calico
bags in his hands. “What’s that?” I ask as I point to the bags.

“It’s a
little early for lunch, but I thought we could have a picnic.”

My heart instantly
pounds in my chest, bile shoots to the back of my throat and my stomach
contracts in a giant knot.

“I…I… I...”
I can barely speak. I run to the bathroom and throw up my morning coffee. I sit
in front of the toilet bowl and dry retch as my stomach continues to spasm and
hurt.

“Allyn,”
Dominic says as he comes into the bathroom.

I look at
him and shake my head ‘no’ as my stomach continues heaving, even though
nothing’s coming up.

Dominic
kneels beside me and holds my hair back as my stomach continues its ruthless rebellion.

“What
happened, Allyn?” he asks as tears form behind my eyelids but don’t dare break
through.

“I can’t go
on a picnic with you.”

“Why not?”

“I can’t go
anywhere, Dominic. I’m not ready, I’m too, too, I...” I pause to gather my
thoughts. “I’m too frightened.”

“I was
thinking more like your backyard. It’s such a beautiful day and I wanted us to
sit out in the sun.”

My stomach
calms and my heart slows from its rapid palpitations.

“You mean
you don’t want to take me away from here?”

“No, Allyn.”
He shakes his head. “You’re not ready for that. One day we’ll go out, but for
today I just want us to enjoy the fresh air and the sensation of the breeze on
our skin. And I made my best wraps ever, I have strawberries and blueberries,
and of course, cheese and crackers,” he says as he smoothes my hair to the
side.

“You made
all that?” I ask as I stand from the floor. I go to the sink and get a spare
tooth brush I keep here for emergencies.

“Not only
that, but I also made my secret recipe lemonade. It’s so secret that only about
three million people know the recipe…alright, I cheated. I Googled how to make
lemonade,” he says, and throws his head back and laughs. “I’ll wait for you in
the kitchen.” He walks out and lets me brush my teeth without watching over me.

When I’m
done, I can hear Dominic humming a song. I follow the deep, hypnotic sound and
find him sitting in his chair waiting for me.

“What song
were you humming?”

“
All Of
Me
by John Legend. Have you heard it?”

“No I
haven’t.”

“I’ll have
to play it for you; it’s truly a gorgeous song. Anyway, all I need from you is
two glasses for my secret recipe lemonade and for you to open that back door so
we can go outside.”

I get two
tall glasses from the cabinet and take slow, cautious steps to the back door. I
turn the alarm off and just stand for a moment looking at the lock.

There’s a
battle happening in my head. Part of me wants to open the door as easily as I
did yesterday. But another part is telling me that monsters can’t come inside
my house if I keep the door closed and stay inside.

Open it.

Keep it
locked.

Open the
fucking door, Allyn.

They’ll
come back to get you.

Open the
damn door.

Never
unlock it.

Dominic
starts humming the same song, and the deep tone of his voice eases me back to
the present.

“Do you like
chicken?” he asks nonchalantly. “I hope so, ‘cause I made us chicken, avocado
and lettuce wraps. Well, I didn’t make the bread, I bought that. But I put
everything else together to make the wraps.”

I look over
my shoulder at him and he’s standing a few feet away from me, smirking a cute little
smile, waiting for me to open the door.

“I brought a
picnic blanket too, so we don’t need to sit on the damp grass.”

I put my
hand on the doorknob and close my eyes, willing myself to just open the fucking
door.

“If you like,
you can bring a pillow out so you can lie under the sun and soak up some of
those tantalizing rays.”

“I used to
love the sun,” I say as I lean my forehead up against the door. The cool of the
wood instantly travels through my body and calms the heat pulsating through
every part of me.

“And one day
soon, you’ll learn to love it again. Starting with today. We can just sit and
have our lunch, and when we’re done we’ll pack up and you can come back inside.
But for now we need to feed our bodies so we can nourish our minds.”

I unlock the
first lock.

“I was going
to make,” he coughs, “that is, buy, a hazelnut cake for us, but I didn’t know
if you have nut allergies. Do you have any sort of allergies?”

“No, not to
my knowledge, but I’m not keen on a lot of red meat. I prefer chicken and
turkey. And I don’t like cauliflower, that stuff is just gross.”

“Yeah I’m
not keen on it either,” Dominic says.

I unlock the
second lock and crack the door open a few inches.

“I have
strawberries and blueberries too. I’m hoping they haven’t gotten too squashed
in the bag. If they are we’ll just put them in the glasses with our lemonade
and call it punch.”

I pull the
door open further.

“Do you have
a favorite cheese? I love brie, or is it camembert? Those two look and taste
the same to me, I mean they’re both covered in that white stuff and they both
taste great. But you know what I don’t like? Blue cheese. I mean they inject
the cheese with that stuff to make it go all veiny. It smells like socks to me,
not that I stick my nose near stinky socks or anything, but that’s how I
imagine dirty socks would smell.”

The door is
completely open now and I’m standing one small step from being outside.

I turn and
look at Dominic, and his encouraging smile is trying to reassure me.

“You’re so
close, Allyn.” His voice is gentle. “Step outside and breathe.”

I lift my
foot and place it on the other side of the door frame.

“Today is a
good day to live,” he says, but doesn’t move toward me. He’s doing what he
always does, giving me space and letting me do this on my own terms.

“Today’s a
good day to finally see, Dominic.” And I step entirely outside.

The sun bathes
me in her bright, warm rays.

“I think
here’s a good spot, what do you think, Allyn?” Dominic calls from halfway down
the back yard.

“Sure,” I
say as I walk to meet him.

He shakes
the picnic blanket and spreads it out, then slips off his sport shoes to sit on
it. He starts taking out all the food from one of the calico bags and lays it all
out on the blanket.

“You know, food
tastes better when you sit down and make conversation with the other person,”
Dominic says as he gestures for me to sit opposite him.

I also slip
my shoes off and sit cross-legged on the blanket facing him.

“Now
regardless of how bad this tastes, you’re only allowed to praise my efforts.”

I find
myself smiling at his silly sense of humor.

“Dominic,
this tastes fantastic, I’ve never had anything so good,” I sarcastically tease
him.

“Can you at
least take a bite before you say it? It makes it more believable that way.”

“Do you want
children?” I ask, completely changing the conversation.

Dominic
coughs a little, then regains his composure.

“They’ve
never been something that I’ve seriously considered. The thought has crossed my
mind, but I’ve never been one hundred percent ready for children.”

“Are you
married?”

“I was, and
I suppose technically I still am, at least until the divorce is finalized.”

“And you
didn’t want a child with your wife?”

“The thought
did occur to me in an abstract way, but like I said, I never really considered
it. And my wife didn’t want a baby so we really never discussed it seriously.”

“I never
knew if I wanted a child, but now I can’t conceive.” I look up toward the sun
and close my eyes.

“Why?”

“Because of
what they did. They took that away from me along with everything else they broke.”

“If and when
you’re ready, there are always other options available if you want to be a
mother. Your chances aren’t totally destroyed.”

I look over
to Dominic who’s now pouring us some of his lemonade. He hands me a glass and
when I sip it, it’s incredibly tart. I can’t help but screw my eyes shut, and I
must make a funny face because Dominic bursts into laughter.

He takes a
sip and screws his face up.

“Shit, I
think I forgot the sugar.”

“I think you
forgot the sugar, too.”

“Oh well,
looks like we’ll have to have water then. I’ll go get us some.” He stands, puts
his sport shoes on and goes inside to get water for us.

I look
toward the house and when I look back to the picnic blanket, I’m completely
speechless and totally stunned at what sits neatly beside my knee.

A single brilliant
blue feather.