A Life Sublime (20 page)

Obviously not
, she thought. “And you and Sofia?”

He gave a boyish grin, “We staged world war 3 for about a week. But I wouldn’t have coped with the funeral if it wasn’t for her.”

“So what is it now?”

His lashes lowered in defence. “We were at Lake Como and the inevitable conversation came up about children. Sofia’s still on the fence and I want them. I can’t help feeling envious of Nick and Gina. They look complete.”

“But why do you think it’ll complete you?” The question was futile, it was a sensation that had plagued her for years along with the words of pity from others that she wasn’t a full woman because she hadn’t had her own children. It was complete rubbish, but it stung badly every now and again.

“I want to undo what my mum did. The only way I can really do it is by teaching a child different lessons. That’s what Sofia says it’s about.” He gave a shrug, “I wanted children long before. For a long time. I just thought I’d be a better dad than anything else I could do.”

“Nicholas says you loved your mother so much. Why do you feel so differently now?”

He halted as the waiter came and took their orders. Belinda picked the first thing to catch her eye and handed the menu back to him just so he would go away and Paul could carry on talking. Paul patiently took the waiter’s suggestion then returned his menu and helped himself to more water.

“It’s more that I was so sure she loved me too and she was nothing less than honest about her motives and what she wanted for me and Nick.” His voice broke slightly and he had to take a few deep breaths before he could continue.

“Now, when I look back on things, all I can see is how she manipulated me because it suited her end game to have someone else to take the fall for her. Take the blame,” he added when Belinda frowned in confusion. “I allowed it. So I have to take responsibility for that too. That’s what gets Sofia so mad. She says that my mother treated me like a dog.”

“Sofia,” Belinda admonished.

He made a face of contrition, “She wasn’t really far off. I didn’t feel I was doing anything productive unless mum said it was. Approval was everything. My life probably would have been different if she had just said to me once that it didn’t matter, I didn’t have to compete with my brother, I didn’t have to prove anything to her or anyone else. Dad kept telling me to find my own way and I was beholden to no one, but I didn’t quite believe him. I know
Zia
,” he held up his hands, seeing Belinda’s argument coming.

“I know I didn’t have to marry Sofia at all, but there it is. I didn’t have to go after that gang in Ireland, regardless of the benefit we’re getting from it now.” Belinda blinked once in the hope that he wouldn’t tell her any more about that incident. He pressed his fingers to his solar plexus. “I feel it here, that fucking pathetic need for someone to tell me that it’s fine. I’ve done great. I’m loved.”

“Your language is appalling,” Belinda said, when she could finally speak. “The four of you need your mouths washed out.”

“Sorry
Zia
.”

“What are you apologising for? Apart from the f word which I do 
not
 need to hear for the rest of the night. Why would you need someone to tell you they are proud of your achievements? You hear it from your father, why did you need it from your mother so much?”

“I talked about this with a professional,” he told her as the food arrived. Belinda barely looked at her plate. “It’s to do with not feeling loved.”

Belinda gritted her teeth. The more she found out about Mary Alice, the more she wished she’d killed that bitch herself. She couldn’t physically bear children and that woman gave birth to two babies? It really made her angry. 
Sometimes God, you are very unfair.

Paul picked up his chopsticks. “Would you like to try some noodles?”

“Paul.”

He put them down. “I wasn’t so blind that I didn’t know my mum treated Nick and I differently. It’s nothing against Nick, he’s had his own demons to deal with. And when she died, we talked, me, Dad and Nick. I know most of it came from a prod from Gina and I will always love her for it. The talk though,” he breathed out harshly, “was just as bad as the funeral. If not worse. Because all these questions came up and none of us had the answers.”

He blinked before he bit down on his bottom lip. “I can’t change what happened. Nothing I can do will change that she’s dead and I can’t talk to her. Talking to Dad about it, isn’t much better,” he saw her suggestion coming and rode right over it, “because he blames himself. Just bringing it up, he looks devastated. Like he feels he should have seen it coming and stopped it. My dad’s human, I can’t fault him. It was clear he’d stop involving mum in things because she wanted more control. He used to talk about everything with her until she tried to make Nick and I into perfect little Mafia robots. Almost worked with me, if I didn’t have Sofia telling me to grow a pair or four. No love, all glory.” He glanced up at her, his eyes bright, “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to get maudlin. But half of why it’s so nice to be around you is that it doesn’t hurt as much.”

“Paul, listen to me, my sweet boy. You are loved. So very loved. And you will miss it if you keep dwelling on the past and on someone who cannot give you the answers you want. You have to let that go. Your father and I were talking about some things and he told me he wouldn’t change anything that’s happened in his life because he has you and your brother.” Belinda gave a slightly embarrassed shrug. “And now you have me.”

He smiled at her. “Do I?”

“Of course!”

He sent her a sly glance. “You know if you want to be a proper mum to me, you’ll end up having to marry my dad.”

She felt a blush burn her cheeks. “What nonsense! You’re too old to play such tricks.”

“What if I need security…?”

“Stop it. You and I are separate from anyone and everything else. All right?”

“Okay then.” He took a sip of water. “You probably should still marry him.”

Suspicion pinched at her lips. “What have you been saying to Georgina?”

He gave the most perfect blink of an angel on earth. “Absolutely nothing,
Zia
.”

“You know if you lie to me, I’ll only end up slapping you.”

He started to laugh, “We haven’t
said
anything! Just a text about a certain photograph she sent me.”

“That cheeky—”

“Plus, Nick should have bought that car for me. He said he was going to and he conveniently forgot. I still have pictures from his stag do. He shouldn’t test me.”

“What is it with you lot and cars?”

“They go really fast,” Paul said simply.

Belinda picked up a fork. “I’m going to tell your wife you said she was right.”

Paul’s grin widened. Like he knew he had her wrapped around his little finger. “Ho-kay then. Let me have a bit of your lamb, please?”

The dinner with Paul was all Belinda needed to make herself comfortable. She would speak with one of the four almost every day. What was most surprising was that they answered. Sofia would randomly text her pictures of clothes and state: ‘Age group?’ Belinda would give a suggestion and Sofia would thank her. Once, Sofia asked ‘temptation for a child catcher?’ Belinda called her to ask what on earth. “I’m just asking if you’d allow me to wear it.”

“In public?” Belinda blustered.

Sofia gave a sigh of exasperation, “Of course in public!”

“Absolutely not.”

“Good! I’ll order ten.”

Belinda stared at her phone before asking, “Do you even have a shop?”

“That’s what having a connected father-in-law is for. You should speak to him by the way. He’s looking very low since the wedding.”

“Hmm.” Belinda looked down at her nails.

“Oh, so no comment? How telling.”

Paul was insanely sweet. He’d take her to lunch or out for dinner regularly and how they would talk and tease each other. It was exactly how she’d imagined having a grown up son would be. Their mutual love of food was always going to unite them, particularly after Belinda introduced Paul to the hot Ghanaian pepper sauce,
shito
. “
Zia
, it goes with everything. I’m tempted to start spreading it on toast.”

Luckily, she would catch Gina on evenings in, when she wasn’t working. Even if Gina would fall asleep while Belinda was mid-sentence. “This dress for the blessing isn’t going to fit. No stretch to it either. Why don’t you come with me and find something for yourself?”

“That sounds lovely.”

“Good. Then you can meet Padre after.”

Belinda froze. “Why would I?”

“Because he misses you? Can you please put him out of his misery?”

“I will call him when I am ready. Not before.”

“Chicken,” Gina snorted.

“I beg your pardon?” Belinda’s tone was stern enough for Gina to lie.

“I said I fancy some chicken. To eat.”

“Hmm.”

“I’ll give you a ring when I’m ready. More when you’re ready, but we’ll see.”

Yes, they would see. Nick was the hardest to ever get hold of, but he would eventually send a text message asking her if she was all right and if she needed anything at all. Out of all of them, he was the one who concerned her most. After all, he had been his mother’s favourite. How on earth would he accept her usurping her throne?

Belinda was at her local garden centre, picking out some plants to trim her front garden, when her phone rang. “Hello!”

“Hi,
Zia
, it’s Paul.”

Her heart gave a little leap of joy. “Hello, my sweetness,
otse den
?”

“I’m… I don’t know. Nick and I said we’d go to our mum’s grave today and he’s not answering his phone and… Can I be an arse and ask if you wouldn’t mind coming?”

Oh her poor boy! His voice broke her heart. “Of course not. Where are you?”

“I’m halfway between home and the cemetery.”

“Tell me which one it is and I’ll come and see you.”

“I can come and pick you up?” he offered.

“Paul, at my age, I know where most of the cemeteries in London are. I won’t be long.”

Before she left the centre, she put down the plants for her front garden and she instead collected white azaleas and white daisies. At the till point, she picked up some gloves and spades along with a small bag of earth. With a strength that came from years of lugging bags of shopping from supermarkets home, Belinda heaved her goods onto the bus toward Kensington.

She hated to think that this was becoming all too routine for her, but Paul needed her. It didn’t instantly occur to her that Massimo might also be there and that was when panic began to set in. She almost got off the bus to head in the opposite direction. How awful for her to stand over Mary Alice’s grave knowing what she did and having done what she had with the woman’s husband! Hell. After, she would go straight to church to beg the lord’s forgiveness for her behaviour. It’d probably take weeks of Hail Marys to gain absolution, but needs must.

Paul was hovering outside the gates when she arrived. He took the box of flowers from her arms and the equipment. “
Zia
, you didn’t have to do all of this.” He placed everything on the pavement and folding her in an embrace, he held her tightly.

“Why not?”

He released her and gave her a kiss on each cheek. “It’s too much.”

Not wanting to argue with him, when he seemed distraught, Belinda asked, “Do you want to wait for Nick?”

Paul shook his head. “It’s been over an hour. The longer I put this off, the more likely I want to turn the car around and leave.”

Belinda took his hand. “Don’t leave. We’ll plant those, make it look really nice and then you can go home.”

He shook his head again, his mouth working, “I don’t know why I’m bothering.”

“Because you loved your mother. It’ll help, I promise. Let’s go.” They walked along the winding pathway to the far end of rows and rows of grey and black grave stones, Paul carrying the boxes of flowers in each arm, the bag of earth, spades and gloves swinging from one strong wrist.

“Just here,” Paul said. The white marble lawn memorial stood out amongst the grey and black stones. Before the memorial stone, someone had begun a pattern with pink chrysanthemums. It looked exceptionally pretty, despite being the unfinished product. “Must have been Dad,” Paul offered into the silence. “I don’t think anyone else has been here except for him.”