A Love for All Seasons (21 page)

I'm Happy Just To Dance with You

J
ack
watched in amusement as his siblings, sitting out on deck having a late breakfast, filled Alicia in on every embarrassing detail of his childhood. They told her about the time he lied to his parents about losing the third house key they'd had made for him in as many months, saying he accidentally threw it in the garbage. His father brought him to the trash pile and was about to make him go through it with his bare hands until he found the key when a fearful Jack confessed he'd lost it, earning a spanking. They also told her about the time he locked his sister Felice in a closet for a full half hour because she'd tattled on him. He'd gotten his butt whipped for that one, too.

He didn't mind Alicia knowing about the trouble he got in as a boy. He liked the way she fit in with his family members, never forgetting a name, or who was married to whom. They all liked her immediately, and he'd been asked more than once if he had any plans to settle down. He always made the same response: “By the time your youngest child graduates college, I
promise
I'll be married.” It would be several years before any of his nieces and nephews even graduated high school, much less college, so the response hardly revealed anything imminent.

His parents made no secret of the fact that they thought Alicia a wonderful girl, but he kept equally mum with them, evading their questions about his intentions to stress that they hadn't known each other very long. His mother smiled, stating that was often plenty of time to recognize Ms. Right. Funny how people tended to think that all a man had to do was tell a woman he wanted her always and she would be his. The way he saw it the man didn't do the choosing; the woman did. If there was one thing he knew about Alicia, it was that she wasn't to be taken for granted. They were together right now and having a wonderful time, but he had no assurances she would be around in another month. He only knew that he intended to do whatever he could to keep her in his life.

A cruise, in Jack's opinion, presented the perfect opportunity to get together with family without constantly being in each other's way. He and Alicia had plenty of time to themselves. They usually spent a part of each day in the lounge listening to a singer accompany himself on the guitar, while most of the others preferred to listen to the jazz pianist who played near the dining room. They frequently went dancing after dinner, and they saw all the shows the shipboard entertainers put on. They spent perhaps a half hour in the ship's casino daily. Like him, she disliked slot machines. He'd been surprised at her skill at blackjack; she'd actually come out ahead of him.

But he and Alicia sometimes went their separate ways as well. She enjoyed morning stretch classes on deck and shopping in the ship's boutiques with his sisters and sisters-in-law. He'd even found her once in the café, having pastries and coffee with his parents. She was so personable. No wonder everyone wanted her to remain in his life.

Jack's favorite public activity by far was dancing with her. He enjoyed holding her, nuzzling her neck and swaying with her, either on a hardwood floor inside or out on deck under the stars, surrounded by other couples. At last he'd found the woman for him.

Just like his mother said he would.

 

Alicia closed her eyes, loving the feel of Jack's hand pressed against the small of her back. She'd had such a wonderful time on this trip. The Devlin family treated her with genuine affection. Jack's sister Felice confided that he hadn't brought a companion to a family function in years, adding, “You must be quite special to him.”

She'd merely given a noncommittal Mona Lisa smile in response to Felice's comment, but secretly she wondered if she and Jack had indeed embarked on what could possibly become a permanent bond. That in itself represented an epiphany. It amazed her that she could even consider settling down with one person, but her daydreams certainly had merit. She and Jack got along so well, sex was dynamite, and, perhaps most important of all, he'd been right at her side through the ordeal of losing her mother and the shock of learning of her adoption.

Derek Taylor told her that Jack literally told him to get lost when he called to check on her the night after the funeral, that awful night when she gave into despair after Daphne's cruel announcement.

Normally, learning of such a possessive action would have her grinding her teeth in anger, but this time she merely laughed it off. Maybe she was softening…or maybe—and she tried not to consider this, preferring to tell herself she didn't care—deep down she felt relief that her less-than-stellar family background hadn't affected Jack's opinion of her.

She knew that one day she'd have to tell him the whole story about the death of her parents, that there was much more to her background than just being the daughter of a poor young couple from Hartford. And one day she would show him how much he looked like her father, once she had more time to get accustomed to the idea. She chuckled. That obscure sighting Sam referred to that would trigger long-dormant memories had come, all right, in the form of Jack Devlin. She just didn't understand why until she saw her father's photograph.

Part of her envied Jack for his secure position as part of a large, loving family. Alicia's brother-in-law, Todd, had called her a few times to see how she was doing, even spoke about bringing little Fletch down to see her, but she never expected to see Daphne again.

Alicia felt she had done a fine job of accepting her past, and all by herself. Contrary to what both Sam and Jack said—Jack without benefit of knowing the full story behind her adoption—she needed no professional sessions lying on a couch pouring her heart out to a stranger to help her cope. She'd just hired a P.I. to do a search for neighbors of her birth parents to help her learn about them, just so she could have a clearer picture of their personalities.

She couldn't deny a healthy curiosity about certain aspects of her psyche, like why she had retained vague memories of her birth father but virtually none of her birth mother. Caroline Timberlake was the only mother she remembered. Was that why she formed such an attachment to Caroline but not to Fletcher?

Then and now, Alicia shrugged off her interest as being natural. It certainly didn't keep her up nights.

Suddenly aware that Jack no longer guided her and they'd stopped moving, Alicia opened her eyes. The musicians had stopped playing. She'd been so lost in her thoughts she hadn't realized it.

Tomorrow they would leave all this behind and fly back to New York. Still, she had high hopes for a continuing relationship with Jack after a sharp change of environment, from balmy breezes and temperatures in the eighties to the harshness of February in the Northeast.

In the meantime, there was always tonight, the two of them together in their cabin's queen-sized bed.

All You Need Is Love

A
licia
rolled on her back to shut off the CD that began playing promptly at six-thirty, signaling it was time to get up. Then she returned to her side and snuggled up to Jack like she'd been doing before the alarm. “I
knew
I should have told Shannon I'd take today off,” she said.

“I thought you were nuts, going in the day after we got back,” Jack said sleepily.

“I know. I just felt a little guilty because of all the time I took off last month.”

“I'm sure she didn't expect you to go right back to work the day after your mother's funeral. Besides, you're an owner, not just an employee.”

“Yes, but I'm not a fifty/fifty owner. I only own thirty-five percent of the business. Shannon has the rest.”

His muscular brown arm tightened around her waist. “Don't go yet,” he mumbled. “Stay here with me a little longer. You might not be a fifty/fifty partner, but you're a salaried employee. It's not like you have to worry about having your pay docked if you don't get in until ten.”

Alicia made no attempt to move. She felt as content as Jack to simply lie here, listening to the sounds of the city traffic four flights down. He'd spent a lot of time here with her so far this year. On New Year's Eve they ventured down to Times Square in the cold to watch the apple drop, along with thousands of other New Yorkers. She found that she liked his being here, and she'd never invited any other man to spend as much time with her at home as she had Jack.

The old unstrung feelings had dissipated once she understood what caused them. Funny how the human mind worked. Jack's showing up at her doorstep that night last October brought back memories of the features of a father she barely remembered.

She hadn't told him yet of his resemblance to Benjamin Clements. He'd probably find it amusing, but she still wasn't ready to discuss the details. Maybe after the detective she hired to track down former neighbors of her birth parents came up with some names and addresses for her.

She hadn't discussed Benjamin Clements' resemblance to Jack with anyone. The only other person she'd discussed her adoption with besides Jack and Sam McDaniel was Martha. She'd taken a day off to drive up to Green's Farms and check in with Martha, and with Lucky as well. Martha told her that the setter had been whimpering daily, not understanding what happened to his mistress, or why he'd been banished to the guest house.

From Martha, Alicia learned that Daphne and Todd planned to move in to the house on February first. Daphne, who stopped working as a second-grade teacher when she became pregnant with little Fletch, came by the house regularly to clean out Caroline's things. “She always leaves a mess for me to clean up,” Martha said with a chuckle. “I think she wants to make sure I have plenty to do.”

Alicia found herself smiling at Martha's good-natured reaction to Daphne's antics, but then pushed the thoughts of Daphne and even Martha out of her mind and concentrated solely on Jack. She'd never experienced such easy camaraderie with a man before, and she enjoyed it thoroughly. Again she wondered if this was the type of relationship Rhonda and Pete had. Maybe it wasn't so bad, if you took away the part about having your life turned upside down in order to accommodate someone who should be able to take care of their own basic needs, like feeding themselves or pressing a clean shirt or pushing a vacuum cleaner. Marriage shouldn't reduce an independent person to a pathetic shell of their former, single self. Yet, strangely enough, she didn't feel hemmed in, even with her being against the wall and Jack's solid frame lying between her and the edge of the bed.

With her index finger she began tracing a straight line down from his throat to his chest, down to his belly button and beyond, clamping on his morning erection with a delighted gasp.

His words came out as a growl. “Don't start anything you can't finish.”

“I guess I'll have to be more than a little late for work,” she said matter-of-factly.

Jack instantly came to life. “In that case I'm all yours. Have your way with me, pretty lady.”

Climbing atop him, she proceeded to do just that, pausing only to pull a condom packet from a small crocheted bag under her pillow.

Jack watched, incredulous, as she proceeded to apply the prophylactic. He'd dated women who kept a supply of protection, but he'd never have one put it on him before.

He moaned in pleasure as their bodies connected. He gripped her firm thighs as she raised and lowered her hips in fluid movements, looking at her through heavy-lidded eyes.
What a way to wake up in the morning
. He would walk on hot coals for the love of Alicia.

He felt her body quake on top of him, and she collapsed forward into his arms. “Oh, Jack,” she said breathlessly.

He wrapped one arm around her back and stroked her hair with his free hand. “I know, sweetheart.”

“We work pretty well together, don't we?”

“Yes, we do.” He paused. “Alicia, you do realize I love you, don't you?” He wished he could see her face, but it was turned away from him. At least she didn't go rigid in his arms.

“It's occurred to me, yes,” she said softly.

“It doesn't frighten you?”

She shook her head. “Not like I thought it would.”

“Look at me, Alicia.”

She turned her face to him.

“Let me tell you something. Loving someone, and being loved, is the greatest thing that can happen to anyone. It doesn't mean you're weak. You don't know how it pleases me to know that you've needed me these last few weeks.”

She abruptly jumped out of his embrace and sat up, pulling the sheet up against her.
“Need?”
she repeated in obvious distaste. “We were talking about love, Jack. Now all of a sudden you say I
need
you.”

He stared at her incredulously. “You say it like it's a dirty word.”

“It
is
a dirty word,” she shot back. “And it doesn't apply to me. I've spent time with you because I've wanted to, Jack, because you were the only one I wanted to share my pain with. Get it? I
wanted
to.
Not
because I needed to be with you. I don't need you, Jack. I don't need anyone.”

Caught off guard by her outburst, he now sat up in bed. “Alicia, that's the most childish thing I've ever heard. You've got to grow up and climb out of this vacuum you've created for yourself and allow yourself to feel normal emotions. You might want to try imagining where you'll be in twenty years. In your mid-fifties, still falling into bed with old boyfriends for old time's sake? It's—” he groped for a word that fit “—Freudian, for heaven's sake.”

“Freudian?
Freudian?
” She practically screamed the word. “I'll show you Freudian.” She yanked the bathrobe that hung over the headboard and slid her arms through it, knotting the sash furiously around her waist. With agile ease, she climbed over him and out of bed, crossing to the Bombay chest on the opposite wall, where she kept the envelope Sam McDaniel had given her.

“Here,” she said, thrusting the newspaper article in his face. “Take a look at my birth father if you want to see Freudian. Does he remind you of anyone?”

Jack's eyes grew wide as he stared at the photograph, then skimmed the accompanying article. “My God,” he whispered. Then he looked at her accusingly. “Why didn't you tell me?”

“I was about to, before you made that crack about my behavior being straight out of Freud.”

His shoulders slumped as he skimmed the article. The contents stunned him. Not only did Alicia's late father bear a striking resemblance to him, but her parents had been murdered, with three-year-old Alicia found at home with her father's body. All she told him was that her parents died at young ages. She said nothing about them having been killed. He'd thought he'd gotten through to her at last, that she felt she could trust him, but that invisible wall had come between them once again, keeping him shut out and in the dark.

Jack stared at the picture again. If he hadn't known from his family history that no one on either side of his family had made their way from Alabama to Connecticut, he would have sworn Alicia's father was a relative of his. He knew that was impossible, that often complete strangers looked alike. Still, this photo, and the story, made several things clear to him.

Like the way she sometimes seemed so nervous around him, the way he could feel her trembling in his arms when he went to kiss her, and how she tried to cover it up by drinking more than she could hold. And during their first conversation she asked if they'd met before. It all came together for him now.

His heart wrenched at the confusion she must have felt. Subconsciously he reminded her of her father, not Fletcher Timberlake, but Benjamin Clements.

He also understood why Caroline Timberlake looked at him the way she had. Surely she had seen this photo in the newspaper. He considered it a stroke of good fortune that she didn't slump to the floor at the sight of him.

“Alicia,” he began. “I'm sorry. I didn't know about the details of your parents' deaths. I wish you'd shared it with me.”

“I wasn't ready to,” she said defiantly. How could she, when she had just begun to understand the significance of the resemblance between two men with very different roles in her life herself?

“I can understand that. But now that I do know, let me help you through this, help you work it out.”

“Why?” she countered. “So you can pat yourself on the back and be a big man because you feel I
need
you? I'd rather do it myself.”

“With what, a bottle?”

“Why not?” Barefoot, she plodded toward the other end of the apartment, where the kitchen was located. Moments later he heard the sound of a cork being popped and liquid being poured. So she preferred a cold, impersonal bottle of wine to the encouragement, understanding, and love he could offer her, did she? Maybe he'd made a terrible mistake. Pete might have been right about Alicia all along. The wall she built around herself really
was
impenetrable.

He climbed out of bed and threw on his clothes. His bags were still in his truck parked several blocks away after he retrieved it from a lot near the pier. He splashed some warm water on his face and had his coat on by the time he ventured around the corner of the
L
of the apartment layout.

Alicia stood in the corner, her back to him, wine glass in hand. It was already three-quarters empty.

He shook his head. “You know, I really thought I'd gotten through that wall you keep around yourself. I thought you had softened toward the idea of a love that lasts, not meaningless affairs that start in the fall and are over by the time winter ends, or run from spring to summer.” He wanted a love for
all
seasons, not a series of short-term relationships that petered out after a few sweet months together. “You're thirty-five years old, Alicia. You're a mature woman in every way but one, and I think it's high time your feelings regarding love caught up with the rest of you. I'm not ashamed to say that I need you in my life. But not like this. Not with you equating what I feel for you with weakness or spinelessness.”

She didn't turn around to face him, nor did she take any sips from her glass. But she didn't say anything in response, either. Suddenly he knew that continuing to pursue her would only break his heart.
I'm through
.

Wordlessly he took his coat from the closet and left. She would know to lock the door behind him.

He walked four blocks to where he parked his car and got in, driving off to a future without the woman he would somehow have to stop loving.