A Love to Last Forever (17 page)

Beth licked her lips and cast a quick glance at Nick. Hank was right. Nick would be only too happy to explain it all.

“Well, it started out as a good thing,” she began. “Lacy and I wanted to help Ellie and the others. So you see, it wasn’t that we were just selfish or trying to cause harm to anyone. In fact, it never dawned on me at all that someone could die from it.”

“What?” Hank lowered his voice quickly. “What do you mean someone could die?”

“It’s just that . . . I didn’t know that the effect could be that deadly. It hadn’t been before,” Beth muttered, looking at her hands and wishing everyone would just go away.

“Beth, I don’t understand at all what you’re talking about. Tell me right now what happened tonight.”

There seemed no easy way out. Beth bit at her lower lip for a minute, then leaned close to her brother-in-law and whispered, “Don’t drink the coffee, Hank.”

For a moment, he looked even more puzzled, and then realization dawned. “You didn’t.” He looked again at Lacy. “Please tell me you didn’t.”

“We had to. They were making such a ruckus, and someone could have gotten killed,” Lacy explained. “And we hate the business that goes on next door with the women.”

“So you took it upon yourselves to . . .” His words faded as he seemed to notice the snoring for the first time. He stepped into the open area of the front sitting room. Hank shook his head and walked back to where the others stood.

“As you can see,” Nick began, “they did, indeed, take it upon themselves. I don’t know where they’re getting the laudanum, but I would suggest you find it and get rid of it before they do it again.”

“I don’t plan on doing it again,” Beth quickly threw out. “I didn’t think about how it could kill a person. I never wanted anyone to die.”

“A little late to worry about such things now, don’t you think?” Hank looked at her and rolled his eyes. “Didn’t you learn anything from before?”

“Before?” Nick asked. “You mean she’s done this before now?”

Beth felt a wave of humiliation rush over her. “Never mind.”

“No, since we’re making confessions, why not come clean?” Nick asked, gazing at her intently.

Beth met his dark eyes. Goodness, but he was handsome. She thought of all of the heroes in her books and decided none were as courageous and dashing as Nick Lassiter.

When Beth said nothing, Lacy interjected, “Not that it matters now, but we once did the same thing to Hank. We didn’t like him then.”

“Oh, well, that makes it all right,” Nick said sarcastically.

“Exactly,” Lacy countered. “He was being rather obnoxious and mean to Gwen.”

“And we didn’t just leave him on the floor to sleep it off,” Beth said, as if that made it somehow better. “We put him in bed. Well, sort of, anyway. He was in his room.”

“Only after bouncing my backside up every step they could find.” Hank blew out a heavy breath. “My behavior toward your sister was rather appalling, but it doesn’t dismiss the wrong you did in drugging me. Nor does it excuse drugging them.” Hank motioned over his back at the sleeping cowboys.

“Well, what’s done is done,” Lacy said. “It’s very late, and I’m going to bed. We can discuss this further in the morning. Oh, and, Beth, I left hot water for you in the bath.”

“She’s right. There will be plenty of mouths to feed come daylight.” Hank turned to follow Lacy up the stairs. “Groggy men who will no doubt want a cup of coffee to help them wake up. Do you suppose you two can manage that?”

“We’ll manage it just fine, Hank,” Lacy replied. “We were managing it before you came here, and we could handle it if you went away. Coffee really isn’t all that difficult to make.”

Beth couldn’t help but giggle at her sister’s comment. But then she looked at Nick and saw the disapproval in his eyes. Her smile faded, and she longed for a way to win back his favor. Beth pulled off her hat, and her hair spilled down around her shoulders. She noticed Nick’s expression soften.

Beth wished Ellie and Simon weren’t in the room. She wanted to say something to let Nick know that she appreciated his concern—that she had never meant to cause him grief. She wanted to tell him thanks for caring and coming after her, despite the problems she’d created. But most of all, she felt the most compelling desire to kiss him. Lady Effingham would have simply done the deed, but Beth was starting to realize her novels were far removed from the events that made up her daily life.

“I’m sorry for worrying you, Nick.” It seemed a rather lame apology, but Beth couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“Look, I need to get back,” Ellie announced. “If Rafe finds me missing, he’s going to be mad.”

“Here, take this,” Simon said, handing her several dollars. “He won’t think so much of it if you have money to show for your time with me. I’ll walk you back.” Simon turned and smiled at Beth. “That look really doesn’t suit you, Beth.”

Beth frowned and turned away. She waited until he was gone, then shook her head. “I don’t know how he can just do that in plain sight of other people.”

Nick looked confused. “What are you talking about?”

“Paying her . . . for . . . well, you know what for.” The disgust in her voice was clear and Beth didn’t try to hide it.

“Do you?”

“Do I what?” She frowned. “What are you talking about?”

“I wanted to ask you the same thing. You’re so quick to judge Simon for something that he hasn’t even done.”

“But he just paid Ellie—”

“No, he gave her money out of the goodness of his heart and his love for her. Rafe will know she’s been absent most of the evening, and he’s going to expect she’s been making him a tidy sum during that time. Simon gives Ellie money whenever he can in order to keep her from having to share her bed.”

Beth looked out the door Simon and Ellie had exited. “You mean he wasn’t paying her for . . . well . . . services rendered?”

“Does that disappoint you? Honestly, Beth, you can’t just sit here passing judgment on the rest of the world. Sometimes things look bad, but they aren’t always what they seem.” He headed for the door. “Just like you’re not what you seem.”

He was gone before she could reply, and Beth’s heart tightened with regret. She hated that he thought her so heartless. She wanted to go after him and explain—plead his forgiveness and make things right.

Beth held on to the door handle for several minutes, then released it with a heaviness in her soul that she had never before known. Once again, she had failed to do the right thing—say the appropriate words. She had rushed to judgment and had earned the scorn of the only man whose opinion really mattered.

“There’s nothing to be done about it tonight,” she told herself aloud. Her words lacked the comfort she had hoped to feel. Climbing the stairs, Beth felt as if she’d let everyone down tonight. The only one who wasn’t mad at her was Lacy.

Oh, what a mess I’ve made of everything
.

Beth made her way to the bath, anxious for the hot water that Lacy had arranged. The desire to wash away the events of the night and all of its disappointments compelled Beth to hurry.

Stripping out of her father’s clothes, Beth gave a sigh of relief. She didn’t know how Lacy enjoyed such outfits. Beth found them rather awkward, if not thoroughly embarrassing. She left the clothes piled beside the tub and slipped into the water. The previous hours played out in her mind as she slid beneath the water’s surface.

Nick’s touch still seemed so real to her. She had wanted him to kiss her—badly enough to instigate it herself. But, of course, she hadn’t. She had stepped far enough outside of the bounds of propriety. There was certainly no sense in adding to her list of sins.

With that thought, guilt began to creep in. She had totally gone against all that she knew to be right. They had drugged the men, risking the possibility that one or many might die.

She eased against the back of the tub. “But I never thought about how dangerous it might be. I just wanted them to stop drinking and causing trouble.”

Still, that didn’t pardon her actions. Beth grimaced. They had also trespassed and tainted Rafe’s liquor supply. Who knew where Cubby put all the laudanum? The effects could go on for days, simply because no one would be the wiser as to what their drinks contained.

Then, of course, she had caused Nick problems. He had been there to help Simon and Ellie. Thinking of that couple caused Beth even more remorse. She had so wrongly misjudged the situation.

And of course I couldn’t just keep it to myself. I had to speak it
all out loud and embarrass myself in front of Nick. Now he probably
thinks me a horrible hypocrite, all judgmental and hardhearted.

Those thoughts plagued her throughout her bath. They followed Beth into her bedroom and sat as a constant companion as she dried her hair in front of the fireplace. And by the time Beth climbed into bed, they met her there, unwilling to leave her for even a moment.

Beth reached under her pillow and pulled out the novel she’d been reading. She looked at the book for a moment, then glanced to where her Bible lay on the nightstand. Once again, feelings of remorse and inadequacy flooded her heart. She had long been negligent when it came to communing with God. At first, she’d just cut short her Bible reading and time in prayer in order to read her various novels. As time went by, however, she’d given less and less time to God. Now, after all this time, a simple “sorry” seemed insufficient. With a heavy heart, she put the book back and reached for the Scriptures.

She opened the Bible and thumbed several pages to Psalm 51 and read the first three verses.
Have mercy upon me, O God,
according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy
tender mercies blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from
mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I acknowledge my
transgressions: and my sin is ever before me.

Beth read the words over and over. It had been David’s prayer after sinning with Bathsheba, and now it was hers. She longed for the cleansing that David spoke of. Nothing seemed more important than being free of the guilt that threatened to consume her heart and soul.

“Oh, God,” she prayed, “I am so full of sadness for the things I’ve done—the things I’ve felt. I need your forgiveness, and I need to start anew. Please show me how to let go of my fairy-tale ideals and desires and to focus instead on the way you would have me live my life.”

The burden lifted from her heart almost immediately. Beth drew in a long, deep breath. She read on through several chapters of the Psalms until her eyes grew heavy. Morning would come too soon, she knew, but for now it felt good to rest in God’s Word and feel His presence.

Beth woke up feeling surprisingly rested, though she’d only had a few hours of sleep. She dressed quickly, having already decided that the final step to cleansing herself completely was to talk honestly with her sisters.

It wouldn’t be easy to admit to her selfish thoughts, but it seemed the right thing to do. This past year since their father’s death had been difficult; Beth wanted to set it aside and look to the future.

“Now I have something else I want to think on,” she said, putting the final pin into her hair. Nick’s face came to mind. She hugged her arms around her body, pretending he held her tight.

He cares for me.
She smiled and let go of her hold.
Maybe he
even . . . loves me.
Beth couldn’t help but giggle. What a wonderful thought. It practically sent her singing down the stairs as she hurried to join her sisters in the preparations for the day. Today would be the start of something new and good. She knew God had forgiven her and that He would help her to set her path straight.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

“I’m so glad you’re feeling better,” Beth told Gwen. The last of the cowboys had exited the house and now the cleanup had begun. Gwen seemed like her old self, working alongside Lacy and Beth, her eye on every detail.

“I think I just overdid it,” Gwen admitted. “We were cooking so much yesterday to accommodate everyone that I didn’t even take time out to eat. By evening, I felt completely spent. I’m just fine now.”