A Man Named Dave (36 page)

There are still times when I am overwhelmed by immense feelings of hollowness, guilt, and fear of anyone becoming too close to me. It is something I will have to stand up to on a daily basis. All I can do is maintain my vow that I took years ago when I was eight years old, immediately after my mother had burned my arm on the gas stove. From this day forward I will never give up. From this day forward I will give everything my all. As an adult I expect nothing less from myself.

When my time comes, I would like to know that I have repaid my debt to those who have made a difference in my life. And to be at peace knowing that I stopped the cancer from spreading to those I love.

Marriage and family therapist

As a full-time marriage and family therapist, I have been involved for many years with people who’ve suffered childhood trauma and its tremendous impact in their lives as adults. Together with my husband, Dr John Yzaguirre, we are passionate about empowering people to overcome this cycle of hurting themselves and others, and create dynamic and healthy families. We believe that relationships, where priority is given to cooperation and unity, are at the very heart of not only preventing the hurt, but will create in us the ability to become a
culture of caring that
will renew our society from the devastating effects of the indifference, domination, and submission that characterize toxic relationships.

I love reading and sharing stories about people who’ve experienced triumph over tragedy. And the
best part,
for me always, is how someone can reclaim their power through pain and inspire others with hope and healing. It was on just such a day of story gathering in a nearby bookstore that I came across Dave Pelzer’s poignant and heartbreaking story. As I devoured his incredible story in
A Child Called “It”
and
The Lost Boy,
I knew I had to talk with Dave about how he was able to transform his immense suffering into a life of helping others.

As I read
A Man Named Dave,
I found myself reading from all my own experiential perspectives – as a woman, wife, mother, daughter, friend, minister, and therapist – and wept most during his tender and so-long-awaited reunion with his father, his excruciating confrontation with his mother, his joyous discovery of Marsha as his life mate, and later his heart-to-heart talk with his precious son, Stephen. At long last I, along with countless of you reading, could understand how Dave answered the many questions of his life. How he came to forgive his brutal mother for the years of torture through the life-restoring skill of empathy. How he came to forgive his passive father, who died in his arms, for not stopping the abuse, finding a way of giving up hateful lies that bind, and commending each of these wounded and incompetent parents to God. And ultimately how he, equipped with empathy, forgiveness, and the love of supportive relationships, could help others find the way too.

It is exciting to witness Dave’s triumph over tragedy through the power of forgiveness and love! Dave’s whole story can be seen as a testament to the endurance of the human spirit. I rejoice with and for him, and for all who will be touched by this tender yet powerful trilogy. I am also sobered and motivated (you, too?) by the fact that there is much for all of us to do to help others and ourselves.

We’ve come a long way in understanding the dynamics of pain, survival, and healing. Some of the best research about the effects of trauma on the human psyche comes, not surprisingly, from war victims and victims of domestic violence. Children and adults
who do survive
use creative and powerful defenses of denial, dissociation, repression, and fantasy, which keep them alive (and for many, sane) until they can escape and hopefully find the necessary support and resources to heal. The lucky ones are not only those who get out, but those who heal, while others fall into a private hell, an abyss of mental illness, die, or propagate their horrific legacy by hurting others.

Survival, yes, but there is a huge cost to the soul and mind as important parts of one’s self are buried. These survival skills provide the needed road map for healing later, tracing, as it were, the path to the
buried treasure
that all survivors, along with their skilled helpers, must find to heal – encountering and conquering the dreaded monsters of their past and liberating all the
precious bits of self –
innocence, the capacity to play, laugh, trust, love, and belief in one’s intrinsic value – that were buried in the time of war.

It is not enough to survive. We can see, as in Dave’s life, that when people are left unprotected at length, as he was, the situation can become frightfully ritualistic, as it did between him and his mother. Fueling this dynamic, often, is addiction, poor self-esteem and –worth, secret keeping, denial, fear, or indifference by those who can make a difference (Dave’s father, relatives, neighbors, even society at this time in the seventies). The powerful “shame rules” — don’t feel, talk about, or stop the shameful and abusive behavior – that exist in these families, and to an alarming degree still in our society, leave members, especially children, vulnerable to attack. It’s as if the alarm system in a house has been disconnected, allowing any intruder easy access to burglarize.

And we can see this in Dave’s life, as his attachment disorder was his “protective barrier” that kept him from being hurt, but also kept him from getting close to anyone – even more so to people he felt he couldn’t trust. His very low self-esteem made him the perfect target to be taken advantage of. And what is very common to many people, Dave ended up having a relationship with someone from a similar background. In fact, individuals with problematic pasts seem to be magnetized to each other. But these two negatives did not equal a positive, but rather created and fueled more problems, barriers, and isolations. Ultimately Dave’s misery was endured only because of the absolute love and devotion he had for his son. He felt an obligation to make the marriage last.

The good news is how many people are now mobilizing and joining hands from across many fields to create a world where not only intervention occurs, as in Dave’s life, but
prevention
as well. How do we create such a world? By creating relationships where the first priority is mutual love and concern for all, we overcome the indifference, domination, and submission that create problems in the first place. Dave and others like him are saved when people care and take action.

When we see how the consistent love of several people in Dave’s life helped to transform his great suffering into even greater loving service to others, we witness a miracle. We see then how love can redeem every suffering, and how embracing another’s suffering can work a miracle of unity in all of our relationships. When we forgive, we free ourselves from the bitter ties that bind us to the one who hurt us.

I will always remember the questions that prompted my call to Dave: “How long does it take to forgive?” “Can suffering be transformed into love?” And I will remember that the answers to these questions are largely determined by how well and how long we love and are loved. Through healing and forgiveness we get better, not bitter. Dave, thanks so much for your inspiring and courageous role-modeling to grow and help others to help themselves. We, along with all who are forever touched by your story, join you in this mighty work of hope and healing!

Son

Over the past thirteen years my dad has done so much for me and for many other people. I still do not totally understand what happened to my father, but I know that it made him see that he never wanted that to happen to anybody else. During the times I have watched him help people, I decided that when I become an adult and have children, I will try to be as good a father as my dad.

One of my first memories of my dad was when he was in the air force and was sent off to the “war in the Gulf” the day of my fourth birthday. I don’t exactly know what was going on, but when he returned, I remember going to the base and seeing the SR-71 Blackbird land right before his plane landed. It was such a happy feeling to finally see my father again.

Now when I see him, my eyes light up. He has taught me great manners, morals, and so many other things that they can’t all be named. I hope that someday I can somehow make it up to him. I really and truly love my dad. He is a very great father and person. So, I guess what I am trying to say is that my father will always be in my heart.

Wife and executive director

This man named Dave, where do I begin? There’s so much to say about him. There is so much I feel for him. He’s a man of virtue, an individual of countless accomplishments, and has a heart of gold. A man so dedicated, energetic, and adorably wholesome. Yet he’s the most haunted person I know, constantly swimming upstream. What I admire most about him is he’s the most genuine of souls and gives his
all
to everything he does. Whether he’s working in his garden perfecting his impatiens, or living his life of “Planes, Trains, and Automobiles” while performing programs back-to-back, Dave gives it his all. When writing a letter to uplift the defeated spirit of a young fan, or driving over eight hours on weekends to see his son play baseball, Dave gives every ounce of himself. While giving a soul-stirring interview on TV, or holding me at night as we drift off to sleep, Dave never holds back. In everything he does, Dave willingly offers his heart and soul. He maps out every detail, predicts every scenario, and handles everything gracefully. He does because he is. No ulterior motives. No disguises. Nothing is expected in return. To give it his all with every fiber of his being is for Dave to be Dave. Nothing else will do.

Dave has a gift – and a curse, for that matter – of making things look effortless. The passerby sees Dave ease into his daily routine of traveling, speaking, writing, and being a loving father and husband. They interpret his life as exciting, enterprising, and predestined. People feed off Dave’s energy and outlook, and some expect him to solve their problems with his magic wand. His label as a
New York Times
best-selling author usually implies an overnight success and the lap of luxury lifestyle. But only a small handful knows how grueling, disturbing, belittling, and erratic Dave’s life truly can be. How his sacrifices are far greater than the rewards. And only those behind the scenes of his world can understand the consequences of his struggles. Dave’s life is indicative of the fact that you can’t have roses without thorns. And he welcomes both without reservation. So why does he do it? Where does he muster up the fortitude? How does he sustain the dedication to what he considers responsibility? To relive his horrific past every day in his quest to help others, and do it with such passion, humor, and honesty? As close as I am to the fire, I don’t completely know. Sharing a life with him, inside and outside of his heart, I catch glimpses of what inspires him. I can tell you that the indebtedness he has for those who saved his life and the compassion he has for helping others is his cause, while the love he has for Stephen and me fuels the fire. He most certainly is a man on a mission. Dave is Batman, Indiana Jones, and James Bond all rolled into one. Like these characters, Dave possesses a dark side, a haunted past, a life on the run, only to expose the light; and he will do whatever it takes to bring peace to a dying world.

Dave is such an admirable human being. I know and understand him more than anyone who’s ever been honored to know him, and I consider myself blessed because of it. But it’s so difficult to know of the sacrifices required – past and present – just to be Dave Pelzer. God love ’im, he’s been through so much and has always been the “bigger person” in spite of the wrong done to him. Concerning Dave’s mother and father, his distorted nine-year marriage, the deceptions from his former speaking firm, not to mention his inept business relations in his career, I can simply say: Dave was way too kind! I do not mean to sound harsh and don’t intend to encourage hatred and resentment, but please understand that based on what I know and what I personally have witnessed, I feel these individuals were not worthy of his understanding, much less his kindness and patience for them. To Dave, the worst thing you can do is to break his trust. He feels that is the ultimate dishonor. And that’s exactly what these people did. Although I consider myself a very kind, well-grounded, and compassionate individual, I could have never endured a fraction of what Dave did in these relationships. No offense to anyone, but I would have kicked their butts (really hard), then run as fast and as far away from them as I could! I can testify that the events that have happened in Dave’s life he has given to the readers in bite-sized pieces; although the reality was and is much more crude. But if it was revealed to people in full strength, it would blow their minds and the message Dave is trying so desperately to convey. This is why God has bestowed on him all the well-deserved blessings: because Dave did the right thing; he was the bigger person; he turned the other cheek. Dave has endured and accomplished things that neither I nor a lot of other people ever could. I liken him to Job in the Bible. He lived a good life only after he lived a hell on earth and remained steadfast amidst it all. And I’m sure the story told of Job cannot justly describe his reality. The same for Dave’s life.

Dave is simply precious. In fact, this is the nickname I gave him years ago, and I don’t hesitate to call him Precious whenever I can (much to his embarrassment!). And Dave is
very
modest! If you think he is a great individual, then you don’t know how great he really is. Dave is — without ego – the most compassionate, level-headed, unselfish, and devoted individual I’ve ever known. He is one of the Ten Outstanding Young Americans, the Outstanding Young Persons of the World, and a torchbearer for the centennial Olympic games, just to name a few. They don’t grant awards like these every day or for just any reason. These are distinguished commendations for unparalleled individuals who’ve made a difference in this world. But Dave would rather have you think it’s no big deal! And even when his first two books were officially published and only a few believed in their potential, while many folks predicted them as “fillers” in a book catalog and some went out of their way to sabotage the books and even laugh at Dave in the process, the books wouldn’t die. They not only became
New York Times
best-sellers, but Dave is the first author to have two books simultaneously on the trade paperback list. (Of course, this was when those doubting Thomases gave him the old “we were behind you all the way” routine!) Again, Dave remained humble and appreciative amidst such a great feat.