The other woman was staring at her with an unpleasant expression, her eyes narrowed into slits. She doesn't act as if she's brimming with confidence, Sharon thought.
That makes two of us.
"Thanks, Joe." It hurt to say his name. She stared at the hands that had caressed her so tenderly, growing warm with remembrance. Did he remember, too?"
"Anytime," he replied in a low, husky voice for her alone.
She studied him then and was puzzled by the fathomless look in his dark gaze. He searched her face as if looking for answers.
Susan's voice shattered the moment. "Joe, let's go. I'm hungry."
The couple moved away, and Sharon knew she'd really lost him.
Susan had to nudge Joe several times during dinner as his thoughts returned continually to Sharon. He'd managed to avoid being near her until today.
Did she miss him at all? Did she lie awake as he did and wonder how things could have turned out differently?
"Joe, you're not listening again," his companion said in a petulant tone.
He smiled, though he didn't feel like it. "Sorry, Susan, I'm lousy company tonight."
"It's the Quinn woman, isn't it?"
Joe stared at her, wondering why he'd asked her out. "I don't know what you mean." The steel in his words should have warned his date to drop the subject.
"Everybody knows you were over there quite a bit, and her husband hasn't even been dead a year..."
"That's enough. I don't want to hear any more." Joe pushed the chair back and stood, scarcely waiting for Susan to scramble to her feet before he turned to leave.
He drove her home in silence, berating himself for having no control when Sharon was mentioned. He should have acted as if she meant nothing to him.
Damn the small town gossips who made everything seem sordid. His love for Sharon shouldn't be bandied about at the Ladies' Aid Society or the local bar, or even at school, but she'd known how people would talk and hadn't wanted any part of it. After all, this was where she belonged.
He was an outsider and soon, he'd be gone. Maybe then, he'd find the peace that eluded him now.
It struck him at that moment that he'd decided to leave, if he still had a choice. What if his body had already made the complete transformation? What would he do then?
As Joe parked and walked Susan to the door, he wondered if he'd ever be free of Sharon Quinn, no matter how far away he traveled.
The next few weeks blended into monotonous routine. Sharon had never worked harder, and it was no wonder she came home exhausted each night.
Esther mentioned it to her. "Don't you think you'd better slow down a little? You're only supposed to be a part-timer, you know, yet you work as if there's no tomorrow."
"I guess I just felt I needed to keep busy," Sharon explained.
Esther folded her arms. "I'm worried about your health. You look so peaked lately."
Sharon knew what Esther meant. It seemed as if she dragged herself through each day and couldn't wait to fall into bed at night. There was little time or energy left for the boys. She felt badly about that, but at least this schedule didn't allow her any time to think.
Besides, Luke was well into basketball season and was either practicing or playing in a game. David worked at the mill after school and spent his spare time with Melanie.
Sharon didn't mind. Melanie was a sweet girl, and David finally seemed to be coming out of his shell.
Sharon couldn't help but wonder if part of his adjustment was the fact that she was no longer seeing Joe. David had been so disturbed by the relationship.
Well, it hadn't made her happy, either, at least in the end. She refused to think about the other times, or tried not to. She'd often find herself sitting on the front porch with Caddy, stroking his thick white and red fur.
The big canine studied her with love in his big brown eyes as she murmured softly, telling him anything that popped into her mind.
Even the dog reminded her of Joe and what he'd given them. He'd shown her she could laugh again.
He'd defended her against gossips and picked her up when she'd fallen into the abyss of grief. He'd even reached out to her sons...and her friends.
Sharon brought herself up with a start. She wasn't going to think about him anymore. It only made her more miserable.
Sharon hadn't seen much of Paula lately, so decided to have lunch with her one weekend. Paula was delighted. They drove into Sandpoint to a place famous for its salad bar. Sharon hadn't felt very hungry for weeks, but salad sounded good a they both filled their plates.
They found a cozy corner where they could talk. She could tell Paula was bursting to tell her something. "All right, out with it," she urged. "What's on your mind?"
Paula leaned forward, with the conflicting gleam of excitement and anxiety in her eyes. "I don't know how you'll take this, but I hope you'll be happy for us."
A feeling of dismay descended upon Sharon as she listened to her friend's news.
"Joe offered to help Ty find a new job, maybe even in California. Ty is so excited, he seems like a new person. I'll get a full-time job, and we might be able to persuade Ty's parents to stay."
Sharon was shaken by the news. "You and Ty have seen Joe?" She thought back over the weeks, recalling how busy the Banners had been with counseling sessions, Paula's part-time job, and then, Marriage Encounter. She and Paula had kept in touch through phone calls and occasional quick visits, so when had they found time to spend with Joe?
Paula set her fork down. "Sharon, what's wrong between you and Joe? We were hoping..."
Sharon smiled sadly. "Don't, Paula. We aren't even speaking."
"But why? What happened?" She propped her elbows on the table.
Sharon glanced away for a moment, wondering what to disclose to her friend. They'd always confided the deepest secrets, but this was different, just as the letter had been.
She decided to keep it simple. "We had an argument."
Paula was obviously waiting for more, but when it didn't come, she asked again, "Why? You were getting along so well."
"What does it matter? There's nothing I can do about it." Sharon wasn't hungry anymore, but forced herself to keep eating.
"Is it because of Susan? He seems to be with her a lot."
Even Paula knew Joe was seeing that woman. They must be quite an item. "It didn't have anything to do with Susan. What it boils down to is Tom, mostly. It's not easy getting over someone you've lived with for seventeen years."
Paula started to say something, then apparently changed her mind. She picked up her fork and dug into her lunch.
Sharon was more disturbed than she'd let on. Joe had been seeing Ty and Paula, and they all might be going to California together.
She felt left out. But whose fault was that?
What had begun as a vague uneasy feeling grew into nausea. She made it to the restroom just in time.
Sharon was in a daze on the way home from Sandpoint, relieved that Paula was doing the driving. The scenery passed in a blur, and nothing registered as a distinct object.
"Feeling better?" Paula's question, full of concern, penetrated the haze surrounding Sharon.
"What?" Then she realized what Paula had said. "Oh, yes, much better, thank you. I'm sorry I spoiled our lunch together."
"Don't worry about that. You've lost so much weight," Paula went on. "I think you should see a doctor."
"I'm fine, really. Besides, it didn't hurt me to lose weight." She glanced over at Paula. "I've always envied you and your petite size."
Paula sighed. "That's the way of things, isn't it? We usually want what we don't have. Ever since I realized I was full-grown, I've wished I was taller." She glanced at Sharon. "You know, if we do move, you and the boys can visit anytime."
Sharon grimaced and stretched in her seat. "We will," she assured her friend, though that might mean she'd run into Joe. "I didn't mean to throw cold water on your plans, Paula. It's just that it was such a surprise. If you and Ty are happy, that's what counts." She turned sideways. "When will you know?"
Paula pursed her lips as she turned a corner. "Joe said he'd be hearing from his contacts soon. Then he'd set up Ty with an interview."
Every time Paula mentioned Joe, Sharon's stomach tightened. She had to show some interest in Paula's plans, instead of thinking entirely of herself.
"Let me know what you find out," she said. "We'll celebrate the good news."
They were entering Hollow Bend. The small town had always represented home to Sharon. Now it was a trap. She felt like a tigress in a cage, forever pacing and restless.
If Joe and the Banners all left, Hollow Bend would be an empty place.
Joseph was getting himself in deep, with all his promises to the Banners. He'd wanted to help Sharon's friends from the beginning, but if they all moved to California, how would he explain his lack of family?
He supposed he could help Ty get work before he returned to his guardian status, then they'd forget him and get on with their lives. What a tangled web we weave, he thought wryly.
Maybe it was better this way, to leave earth once again. He wasn't sure he had the knack for living out a human life. His gut twisted then, as it often did, when he thought of never seeing Sharon again as a man. How he loved her and wanted her.
Chapter Ten
That afternoon, Sharon moved back into the master bedroom. It was time, and it seemed symbolic, somehow, as if she were finally and completely taking control of her life. She was beginning to think about new goals and how to attain them.
She'd been mulling over the possibility of going back to school to study for a new career.
Sharon knew Joe was largely responsible for her ability to think into the future without being afraid. She had to admit Joe had even made it possible for her to say goodbye to Tom, without any remnant anger, but as a simple parting of the ways between loved ones, a letting go.
As if to prove to herself she could handle it, Sharon pulled the photo albums from the treasure chest and turned the pages slowly. Only now, there was a gentle sadness mixed with the warm memories, rather than the wrenching bitterness.
When had it dissolved? When had she begun to realize Tom was human, capable of weakness, even though he'd loved his family?
Wasn't she, too, terribly attracted to someone else while still loving Tom?
Her deep sense of grief and guilt over her own conflicting emotions had destroyed what she might have had with Joe. If only she'd worked at it, given him a chance. If only...
Her stomach churned, and Sharon felt nauseated again. She rushed to the bathroom, but there was nothing left in her stomach.
What's wrong with me? she thought, as she washed her face and brushed her teeth. Did she have the flu? It didn't seem like it since she was only intermittently miserable. The other times she'd felt this way were...
Her eyes grew wide as she stared into the vanity mirror, the overhead lights emphasizing her sallow skin and sunken cheeks.
She completed the sentence, dreading each word...when she was pregnant with David and Luke. No, it couldn't be, not after one time.
Don't be stupid, Sharon, that's all it takes. She pressed her fingers against her temples, her head pounding painfully.
The phone next to the bed rang, and Sharon moved toward it, rejecting her suspicions. Since Tom's accident, icy fingers gripped her spine whenever someone called while both boys were out. Luke was at practice and David was working.
"Sharon, it's Joe."
He was the last person she'd expected to hear from and was momentarily speechless.