A Matter of Forever (13 page)

I wrap my arms around him and hold on tight until our matching trembling subsides.

The bunker we’re in is cavernous, with a restaurant-sized kitchen, a dozen bedrooms, fourteen bathrooms (the need for so many baffles me), two gaming rooms, two living rooms, a dining room that could easily transition into a ballroom, an indoor pool and spa attached to an underground spring, an extensive library, and a gym so large it has a track circling the equipment. There is also a pair of rooms that no one will tell me the use for, as they’re always kept locked.

I can’t help but wonder if we’re anywhere close to Valhalla and the Ascension rooms this deep beneath the city.

Jonah and I will be staying in the red bedroom I woke up in; Kellan’s is adjacent and accessible through a shared door. If I thought joining our apartments together with a staircase was a bad idea, this is an even worse one. I argue vehemently with Jonah over the wisdom behind this arrangement, but he ends up throwing his hands up in exasperation, informing me that if I want to try to talk Kellan out of it, I’m more than welcome to try because he sure as hell got nowhere with his efforts.

So I do. I corner Kellan in his room shortly before bedtime, only to find him obsessively folding and refolding a small stack of t-shirts. “Can we talk?”

He says flatly, “You can, but know now, my mind is made up.”

The door clicks shut behind me, even though Jonah has gone off to talk to Karl and Zthane again. “Kellan, it’s just ...”

He laughs, but there is no humor there. “Let me guess—it’s just, this is awkward as all shit, right? Having me sleeping on the other side of a shared wall with the happy lovebirds?”

Well, yes. And also,
ouch
. While things have not been ... good, per se, between us, for weeks we’ve been in a place where hope wasn’t too far away. But here, in this small room half a mile below Annar’s streets, his anger and resentment are painful.

“Believe me, C. I know. I’m well aware of how awful this entire situation is. Do you think that I enjoy, even for one moment, having to be in such close proximity to you two nowadays?”

I have to physically prevent myself from flinching. “Then—”

The t-shirts go flying across the bed before he sinks down onto the mattress. And then he laughs quietly, bitterly, his head sinking down into his hands. “Gods, Chloe. Really? Why do I have to spell this out to you two? I’m here because you and Jonah are my Connections. Because, no matter what I feel or wish, I refuse to stand back and allow anything bad to happen to either of you.” He takes a deep breath, blowing it out slowly through his mouth. And then, much more calmly, “Jonah has tied himself up in knots trying to keep things stable and happy for you over the last few weeks. He has worked overtime to make sure you didn’t have to worry about a thing. Did you know that?”

I lean back against the door, unsure as to what to say. The last few weeks have been some of the happiest of my life, despite the circumstances. I thought they’d been the same for Jonah?

“He is freaking the fuck out, Chloe. We both are, okay? You ...” He shakes his head. “That first time, at the restaurant. He didn’t know if you were going to live or die, so just about every person in a one-block radius felt his fear before I countered him because my brother has been taught his whole life he needs to keep his shit together. But his internalizations can only work for so long, you know. Sooner or later, if you hold too much inside, it explodes outward.”

All I can do is stare at him. Hate myself for once more being blind.

“You disapprove of how I deal with my pain. But see, at least I let it out. I’ve found ways to cope. J never has. J internalizes everything because he’s been taught that if he doesn’t, there will be hell to pay. He keeps it together for you because he knows you think, of all of us, he’s the stable one we can all count on.” Kellan drops back against the bed and stares at the ceiling. “Did you know that, for years, he was the one who took care of all of us? When Astrid and our uncle were at work and Hannah was self-absorbed, and the Old Man wasn’t giving two shits if we lived or died, J was the one who made sure everything was okay. Can you imagine a little kid doing that? Making sure his aunt had a lunch to eat and that his pathetic excuse for a father did, too, and his brother never had to worry about anything, because he would always be there to take the fall for him?”

I ... I ...

“So, yes. My heart has been fucking obliterated by you this year. I’m doing my best to deal with it, just like I promised you I would. And yes, the truth is, right now, I would like nothing more than to crawl back to whatever hellhole bar I was in before Enlilkian found you and get hammered. But guess what? I can’t.
I won’t
. Because I love you and I love my brother, and I refuse to watch him neglect himself like he always does just because he wants to make sure everyone else is taken care of.”

That stings on so many levels. “Kellan—”

“I know you take care of him. I’m glad for it.” His head rolls away from me to face the wall. “But it doesn’t help me knowing that, in its quest to get to you, Enlilkian has no qualms in destroying my brother, either. I’ve seen what losing one Connection can do to a person. But losing two?” Harsh laughter escapes him. “Yeah, no thanks. So I’m just saying, I know this isn’t ideal, but I’m not leaving. Not when there’s too much at stake right now. Jonah isn’t going to walk this road alone right now, okay? Just ... go back to your room, Chloe. Shut the door behind you.”

It takes all my willpower, but I do exactly as he asks even though my heart crumples inside my chest.

“I need to do something about the pain.”

Jonah lays the reports he’s been reading down on his chest and turns toward me. He’s clearly confused, because he asks, “You’re in pain?”

We’re in bed; it’s late, but sleep eludes us both. I’ve spent the better part of the last hour or so going over first what Kellan has just revealed to me, and when Jonah shut me down from even attempting to discuss it, I switched my focus to reliving every last detail of what happened with Enlilkian on that roof. “No,” I assure him. And then, more worriedly, “I thought you said you could feel me?”

“I can, which is why I guess I’m confused by what you’re talking about?”

I roll on my side and face him. He is not alone, not matter what Kellan says. Jonah doesn’t have to do anything alone. I am here with him, and I am not going anywhere. “Enlilkian is able to subdue me because he’s figured out I can’t will anything when I’m in too much pain.”

The papers are shoved off to the side as he sits up in bed.
“What?”

I also sit up, crossing my legs and facing him. “My craft doesn’t work when I can’t think clearly.” Frustration itches me everywhere. “When I’m in a lot of pain, it’s impossible to think straight. I can’t form the right words in my head to set my will into action.”

He’s horrified by this.

“You know how when I get really upset, things tend to go haywire, like they’re out of my control?” Even with him, it’s embarrassing to think about. “Or, even blissfully happy. Strong emotions overwhelm me to the point I can’t control my craft, Jonah. And it scares me to think that Enlilkian’s figured this out. He knows if he overwhelms me, he can do whatever he likes because I simply can’t counter him effectively.”

I watch him take a deep breath and wrestle with the words I’ve said.

“I need to learn how to deal with pain effectively.” I pause. “Can you shut off all my pain sensors for me?”

He jerks back, like I’ve slapped him. “No.”

“No, you can’t? Or no, you won’t.”

“I won’t. Pain is necessary sometimes, Chloe. What if I shut off your ability to feel pain, and something in your body happens that we’re not aware of?”

“Then it will be a good thing I won’t feel it, right?”

“Are you serious?” He shakes his head. “No, Chloe. Pain is the body’s way to let us know something is wrong. I’m not talking paper cuts and stubbed toes, love. I’m talking about hearts or kidneys failing. Falling and breaking something. If I took away your pain, you wouldn’t know about the injury until possibly too late.”

“I’m twenty,” I scoff.

“Plenty of bodies fail at twenty.”

“I’m also friends with a number of Shamans.”

“Yeah? Well, you don’t have one with you twenty-four seven. And nobody plans accidents, Chloe. Nobody plans on heart attacks. They just happen, whether or not you’re friends with a Shaman.”

I’m unreasonably annoyed by his practicality.

“So, my answer is no. It’s too risky.” I open my mouth to counter him, so he adds, “And don’t think you’ll be able to sweet talk Kellan into it either. We both feel strongly against using our crafts for things like this.”

Ugh. I know I’m being juvenile about this, but I can’t risk Enlilkian going after him again. Going after anybody, actually. “I appreciate what you’re saying, but ... it would be just until I can take Enlilkian out. The sooner you can do this for me, the quicker I can get it done.”

He’s unmoved. “There has to be another way, Chloe. We’ll find it, I promise.”

I slump back down on the bed, exasperated. I mean, I know his heart is in the right place, but people are dying. It’s so preposterously stupid that I am the only one who can kill these things and yet still need to be protected because I’m the only Creator, but there it is. I have to do something. I can’t just keep sitting back and letting people get hurt or die because of my inactivity or my ability to fold like a house of cards during a hurricane.

He slides down next to me, fingers stroking my cheek, concern darkening his blue eyes.

“What did Enlilkian do to you, Jonah?”

He sighs and rolls onto his back.

I ask the question again. Slowly. Clearly. He’s not going to shoulder this alone. We’re a team now. No more secrets, not from either of us.

“It doesn’t mat—”

My third time asking is firmer.

Another sigh escapes him. “Fine. When I got to the roof, I was able to get it incapacitated fairly quickly. I knew you were there, I knew you were hurt, but I wanted to get it under control for when Kellan came, so I didn’t let myself look at you right away.”

He pauses, and I think to myself, he got Enlilkian under control by torturing him with so much pain that that monster became the one to be immobilized. And maybe it’s wrong of me, but I’m fiercely glad for this.

“But then it taunted me, saying if I didn’t help you, you’d die.” He bites his lower lip as he stares at the curtains above us. “I guess you’re not the only one who can’t function when they’re upset, because the moment I allowed myself to look down at you and I saw all the blood, and how broken you were, I ...” He closes his eyes against the memory. “Whatever hold I had on it broke. It made some kind of weapon while I was dropping onto the ground next to you. And then it thought it would be fun to use said weapon on me.”

Jonah’s next to me, he’s fine, I know he’s fine, and yet so much panic rocks me that it’s a miracle the bed remains intact. “What kind of—”

“The rest isn’t important,” he says flatly. “The point is, you’re not the only one who has to work on their emotions when it comes to Enlilkian.”

I lean over and kiss the corner of his mouth. We lay there in silence for a long time, mirrored frustrations raging helplessly inside our chests. Finally, I ask quietly, “What did you guys do with my father?”

“We told you. Cameron is on lockdown, back at the apartment.”

It’s so sweet that he automatically views Cameron Dane as my father. And, blood or no, he is in all the ways that count. “No. Not Cameron. I mean ...” I swallow hard. “Noel. I’m talking about Noel.”

“Uh ... nothing? I guess I didn’t even think about him when I was making sure everyone else was covered. Do you want me to have Zthane send someone over to guard him, too?”

What?

I roll off the bed and stand up. Gods, my hands are shaking again. “You didn’t see him?”

Jonah scoots over so he can sit on the edge of the bed. “Chloe, you’re—” He stands up, too. “What do you mean, did I see him? I haven’t seen Noel in weeks. You know he and I aren’t exactly on speaking terms right now.”

I cover my face, horrified. They didn’t find his body. Does this mean the Elders took it?

“You’re worrying me, honey.” Warm hands settle on my shoulders. “Why are you feeling so guilty? Scared? Talk to me, love. I will have Noel guarded, no problem.”

The words I force out slip between my fingers. “He’s dead.” A ball clogs my throat. “Enlilkian ... he killed him, right in front of me.”

“What?”

I want to cry. I really do. Moisture is saturating the backs of my eyes, the ball in my throat grows in size, and yet ... I’m mostly numb when it comes to all of this and hate myself for being so. “He was murdered right there in front of me and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.”

I’m in Jonah’s arms again, and I hold on for dear life. Nobody found my father’s body, he swears to me. The entire roof was searched afterward, looking for any kind of clues. The only two people they saw up there were Enlilkian and myself.

Which means they took his body. And I can only hope they aren’t going to do with it what I fear they will.