A New Leash on Life (4 page)

How surprised she’d be to see me changing shitty diapers and playing with My Little Pony.

My sacrifice.

When Facebook arrived, I signed up and waited patiently for Olivia to catch on and sign up, too. When she did, I pored over her profile day after day, studying pictures of her working with a variety of dogs, cats, horses, even turtles. Her bio stated she attended college and was studying to become a vet. One day, she’d like to open a shelter, “one that didn’t kill animals.” I could picture her pounding the keys on that note.

Ayla loved animals, too. She and I rescued several cats from our local shelter, giving Oony Gato even more of an air of authority. Ayla would giggle at them, pointing, screaming, and blowing bubbles as they walked past her.

When Ayla turned five, she managed to somehow get all the cats to sleep together in her bed. They purred to her, the cat whisperer. One night, when I tucked her into bed, she grabbed Marmalade, an orange Tabby cat, and placed her on her back, paws up in the air as if dangling. Over her loud purring, Ayla asked me the question I’d dreaded since she first said “Da Da.” “How come I don’t have a daddy?”

How do you tell a five-year-old that she doesn’t have a daddy because her mommy failed to face the truth? “Some kids just don’t. You have a favorite Auntie Marie instead.”

She rolled over with Marmalade and giggled. That answer fit just fine with her.

“Ayla asked about her daddy last night,” I said to my aunt the next afternoon while we sat in the backyard watching Ayla take Oony Gato on a walk around the fence. “I’m not sure how much longer she’ll accept my pathetic answers.”

“The questions will only get harder.”

I pictured a wiser, older Ayla confronting me, her terrible mother, for not blessing her with the freedom to meet her father and to decide for herself whether she wanted this man in her life or not.

Ayla galloped alongside Oony, giggling at the grass that tickled her calves.

~ ~

I looked up Ayla’s father on Facebook. His arm caressed the shoulder of a pretty brunette with a cropped, smart hairstyle. She smiled wide at the camera and swaddled a baby in her arms. I scanned his albums, and in most every picture, he carried his baby, smiling, the super dad of the year.

I flared.

Rage tore through me like a mad storm, kicking up all sorts of dusty anger. That could’ve been Ayla if he had owned up. He could’ve shielded the finger pointing, the upsets, by stepping up to the table and explaining that the sex meant nothing more than a release. Ayla could’ve grown up with a father who adored her as much as he adored his new baby.

My maternal instinct kicked into high gear. So much time had passed since I’d trudged away from Olivia with my dark secrets. My collection of time supported me, comforted me, and rivaled my inhibitions. Perhaps if she could accept the truth of what really happened, all of our lives would reshape to something more joyful.

I asked my aunt to watch Ayla and within minutes, I drove down the interstate en route to Elkwood in my beat-up Corolla with its muffler hanging on by a rope.

I braved my fear, running towards it and drove straight to Olivia’s parents’ house.

I pulled up in front of their white colonial with the pretty green shutters. A red pickup truck sat in the driveway. A Ford. Olivia’s favorite color and model. I hopped out of my car and charged up the front walk before I could lose my nerve.

The time had arrived to face the facts. My daughter’s future rested on my shedding the secrets and jumping into the frigid waters of truth. Perhaps Olivia would listen with an open heart, cushioned by the years, and convince me to introduce Ayla to her father. She’d wrap her protective arms around me and tell me she understood that I was young, impressionable, and vulnerable. She’d ask me all about the past five years and sink into every detail with focus, wanting to hear everything from her birth to her first steps, to her first word, to her love of animals. We’d enjoy tea parties and lazy days out in the park flinging Frisbees and barbequing burgers. She and I would drink wine under the umbrella of a cherry blossom tree while Ayla walked Oony Gato in circles.

I’d start with a visit and work up to the truth.

I braved a knock on her front door. A lady wearing curlers and a flannel nightgown answered. Cinnamon wafted from the foyer. A small Dachshund stood beside her barking and wagging his tail. He sported a leather collar with spikes. “I’m not interested in what you’re selling, sweetie.”

I scanned the foyer that used to house a bookshelf filled with classic, leather-bound novels. Nothing but an empty hall faced me now. “Does Olivia still live here?”

She lowered her shoulders and placed her hand on my wrist. “I’m afraid not. I bought the place a month ago.”

“They sold the house?”

She cocked her head. “You don’t know what happened, do you?”

My heart pounded, afraid to hear bad news. I shook my head.

“Olivia’s parents died a few months ago. They were traveling up to New Hampshire for a family reunion, and they hit a moose head on. Olivia survived the crash with a broken finger. But, her parents didn’t have a chance.”

Shock vacuumed the air from my lungs. This woman who answered Olivia’s door, the same door I had snuck in and out of for years, now owned the front door, the wooden staircase with the green paisley runner that I’d climbed, the bathroom I’d brushed my teeth in, and the bedroom that commemorated my early days as a liberated teenager in the arms of the one girl I loved.

The despair whipped through me, suffocating me, strangling me. I cried, and this stranger gathered me into her arms and let me sob.

After several gut wrenching minutes, the lady said to me, “She works part time at the Pet World right outside of town on route one if you want to see her. I’m sure she could use a friend.”

“Thanks.” I pulled away from her arms. “Maybe I’ll stop by and see her one of these days.”

“I know she’s working now because Tuesday is always the day I bring Pepper in to get his nails trimmed. I only trust Olivia. Everyone else is too quick and stone-faced.”

“I’ll drop by one of these days.”

“Give me your number in case you don’t see her there. I’ll give her the message that you stopped by.”

“Sure. Why not?” I jotted down my number, then thanked the lady and drove off, heading back to where I belonged, back to my aunt’s and out of the way of the Clarks’ wrecked lives. If Olivia wanted to talk, I’d leave it up to her.

I no longer trusted my gut instinct. Consequences littered my life. And so much for perfect moments.

I drove south and before long saw the sign for the route one Pet World dancing ahead of me, beckoning me towards it. I could just pop in, say hi, and pay her my condolences.

Pulled towards the exit ramp like a magnet, I sped ahead towards the Pet World, figuring if I didn’t stop in then, I never would.

I parked far off to the side of the building so my getaway, if it needed to be quick, would be less humiliating. A few people with dogs walked towards the building, some stopping to let their dogs soak up the attention from others, empty-handed of their own pets.

I applied some lip gloss, smoothed my hair and tightened up the string tie on my capris before stepping in front of the building. Then, I committed to my decision and braved the front door, waltzing in like I really belonged on Olivia’s turf.

Shelves displaying dog biscuits in every brand imaginable lined the main aisle. Birds chirped to the left. Bright blue signs highlighting specials hung from the ceiling. Puppies, roped off in the center of the store, wagged their happy tails at their puppy class teacher. Puppies of all different sizes and breeds chased balls and ignored their masters’ commands. The store buzzed with life and happy times.

I rounded the aquariums, and then I spotted her, looking every bit as confident, as lean, as pristine as she did years ago. An older man stole her attention, talking to her over by the dog food aisle.

I fell numb.

She laughed at something the man said. Her blonde ponytail still hung to the middle of her back, smooth and shiny and sun-kissed. She wore a white t-shirt with a bright blue vest and a pair of well-fitted blue jeans that hugged her slender athletic frame just as I remembered. Her face lit up as the man shook her hand and walked off with a bag of kibble.

She smiled as she watched him walk away, and then she saw me. Her smile vanished. I huddled up by the fish tanks, clinging to my pocketbook when she locked her baby blue eyes on me, cocking her head slightly as if dazed from a hook punch.

I gathered up my nerve and approached her with a reserved wave powered by an out-of-control nervous system. My knees turned to noodles and my throat dried up. “Hi,” I said, trying out a small smile.

She stared at me, pursed her lips together and blinked for an eternity. She opened her mouth to speak, and sealed her lips up tight again, shaking her head.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have just barged in here like this.”

She sighed. Her chest rose and fell. She stared at a stuffed gorilla toy instead of me, digging her fingers into her biceps.

“Hey,” I tugged at her sleeve.

She glanced down at my clutched fingers, then finally scrolled up to face me, guarded. “This is a surprise.”

I caught my breath and exhaled in a shaky stream. “I stopped by your house a few minutes ago.”

She swallowed and blinked away.

I moved in closer and caressed her arm. “I’m so sorry.”

She nodded, leaning in to the arm I embraced. “Thanks.”

I rubbed her arm. “Are you okay?”

Her chin quivered. She pulled in her bottom lip, squaring off against the pleasantries. “Yeah,” she whispered, closing in on herself. Her body trembled and tears sputtered down her cheeks. She scoffed at them, wiping them away with the back of her hand. “Sorry, I don’t mean to—”

I pulled her into my arms and hugged her close. Her heart pounded through her t-shirt, her breathing chopped. I led her down the aisle, away from the shoppers and the chaos of the puppies in training, massaging her back, caressing her ponytail. “I’m so sorry, babe.”

She buried her face in my shoulder and wept. “It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with,” she mumbled.

“I’m sure it was,” I whispered into her ear.

We wept together for several minutes alongside bones and rawhides.

She pulled out of my embrace, hugging herself again, blinking away her tears. “I needed that.” Her lips formed a tiny smile. My eyes landed on the corner of her upper lip, in the same spot I used to love kissing.

“It’s good to see you, Olivia.” I traced my finger down her bent arm. “It really is.”

She considered my comment with a squint to her eye. “I thought if I ever saw you again I would hate you.”

I circled her elbow with a lazy touch, hopeful that she didn’t. “And?”

“I guess we were just really young.” She bobbed her head, taking me in. “I did hate you for a long time. You actually fueled me to do something in life I wouldn’t have done.”

“Like?”

She inhaled, and her chest rose again. “Skydive, snorkel, run a marathon, oh and enroll in vet school.”

“Puts my life to shame.” I brushed away some hair from her cheek, lingering along her hairline.

“Good.” She laughed.

“Good?”

She punched my side and tickled it. “Yes, good.”

I wrestled out of the tickle, grabbing a hold of her hands. She gazed at me long and hard, a tease played in her eyes.

I latched onto this and reeled in. “Grab some coffee with me.”

She stretched her gaze up to the clock, then back at me. “This is seriously the last thing I ever thought I’d be doing.” She paused, pulled in her lower lip. “But, sure, I’d love to.”

I leaned in and kissed her soft cheek. I couldn’t help myself. “Great.”

“I’ll meet you out front in five minutes.” She headed away from me towards the back of the store, looking back once and smiling.

I steadied my racing heart long enough to agree. “Perfect.”

Several long minutes later, she walked out of the front door and towards me, carrying herself tall and strong. “I live right around the corner if you just want to grab a cup there? I have your favorite, chocolate hazelnut.”

“Sounds good.” I followed her, admiring the bounce in step.

“I’ll drive,” she said.

Within ten minutes, we sat on her couch nurturing a couple of oversized mugs and sipping chocolate hazelnut coffee, smiling and talking about the town as if we just picked right up from where we had left off years prior. When she spoke, I circled her face, taking her all in, the strength of her words, the magnetic quality of her energy, the sexy rasp to her voice. I forgot all about the secrets and just enjoyed the moment.

I loved being near her again. She laughed and her face radiated a beauty that had refined itself over the years. Untarnished by the bad circumstances of her past few months, she relaxed back against her couch and broke into my favorite lazy afternoon smile where her eyes closed slightly, her cheeks lounged against her pretty face, and her skin ripened to a healthy pink glow.

“You’ve gotten even more beautiful,” I said, mirroring her position and lounging back against the couch, too.

She rubbed her lips against each other. “Thank you.” She placed a lone finger to my lips and traced them. I closed my eyes sealing in her feathery touch. When I reopened them, she gazed at me with the same bedroom eyes that I had fallen in love with and could not erase.

“Those eyes,” I said, running my fingers down the side of her face now. Her skin, smooth and soft, intoxicated me.

We inched closer, me waiting for her to strike first. She cradled my lips with her finger still, bringing in to light everything pure, blissful, and freeing. Our breaths danced, led by tantric heartbeats, unbridled passion, and a hungry desire to connect to that place of nirvana where only a hot hunger mattered.

She crawled up to me, cradled my face, and swept me away to a place I hadn’t been to in years and frankly, never expected to be to again. Her lips pressed against mine, bathing me in sweet pleasure. She caressed my cheek, my neck, my shoulders with her soft tongue, running her fingers through my hair and then staring deeply into my eyes. A more mature, wiser Olivia set the course, traveling around my skin like a pioneer in search of treasure. In the rays of sunshine washing over us, we escaped into each other’s arms, feeding our bodies with a kind of nourishment that breathed pure energy, pure bliss through our naked, pulsing bodies. Our skin touched, our bodies entwined, as we caved into each other’s needs, releasing pleasure in wide, wonderful ripples that curled our toes, and bathed us in warm, delicious juices.