A Pretend Engagement (18 page)

She wanted so badly to tell him of her love for him.To tell him just how much she was heart and soul his. That for love of himAbruptly, like a douche of iced water, in the midst of deepest passion-when she had thought she was ready to be his any time he chose to take her-Varnie suddenly, and not a little bewilderingly, had a moment of stark sanity.

Tell him she loved him! Had she gone mad? Had he asked for her love? Did he want her love? No! This, for him at any rate, was not love. Love, as far as Leon was concerned, had no part in what they were doing, were about to do.

`No!' she cried on a note of panic, and, hardly able to think straight, she pushed at him. To his credit, Leon raised his body and put some daylight between them. `No?' he queried, to her ears sounding slightly stunned.

'I-c-can't,' she told him agitatedly. She still wasn't thinking straight, but some inner self was working her strings. Pushing away from him, she edged over to the side of the bed, her head and heart in turmoil.

She heard him take a deep and controlling breath, and his voice when it came was soothing, quiet, as he said, `There's no need to panic. We have all night to...'

She felt herself weakening. She wanted him so badly. 'I'm-s-sorry,' she mumbled jerkily, and dared not look at him, knowing only that she was weakening fast and that should she look at him she would lose her hold on what she instinctively knew was the right thing to do. `I just-c-can't,' she choked, her voice cracking.

And, acting while she still could, she shot to her feet and ran from him to her own room, and slammed the door hard shut in case she should weaken and go back.

Then she began to fear that Leon might follow her and resume making love to her in her room. Her will power was used up-she knew she would not resist him. But she need not have worried. Leon did not follow her.

THAT night seemed never-ending. Varnie knew that she had done the right thing, and that to flee Leon's room had been the only thing to do. But she was fast discovering that doing what her head said was the right thing did not hold any sway with her heart.

In her heart she wanted to be back with him.Wanted to be back in his room with him. Wanted to be held by him and kissed by him, and to blazes with the harsh reality that he cared nothing for her.

Her first impulse was to pack her suitcase without delay and to get out of there. But in her heart she did not want to leave.

Yet, what point was there to stay? `I've had it with clinging women,' he had told her once. Was that what she had become-another of his clinging women?

Her pride reared up. She wanted to ignore her pride. But it badgered away at her. Was she to stay only for the same situation to arise again She had wanted Leon to make love to her, and on his part he had desired her; she knew that he had. So if that mutual wanting was somehow triggered again-no matter how much they might determine it would not-what then? Two weeks maximum of their sharing each other then, Hey-ho, Londoncalls, it's been nice knowing you. I don't think so.

It was many tortured hours later that Varnie gave in to what she knew, and had known, she must do. Johnny no longer figured in the equation, though she had an idea that she would have reached the same decision had he still been desperate to keep his job. Thankfully, he was not.

On Friday she had realised that she loved Leon too much to leave. At around five that Monday morning Varnie knew that she loved himm too much to stay.

She wanted to go, and go now. All at once it seemed urgent that she left without seeing Leon again. She mourned the fact that she would never see him again. But what was the point of waiting until breakfast time to tell him that she was leaving? It was highly unlikely that he would try to prevent her from going.

Varnie shrugged out of the robe she had put on when she had realised that she was as near naked as made no difference. Colour flared to her face when she recalled how, with not a stitch on apart from her lacy briefs, she had run from Leon.

Wanting to now be away with all speed, she dressed and knew that she could not leave without some note of explanation. But what excuse was there? Feeling impatient with herself, and not a little unsure that she might not be using delaying tactics, Varnie took out her pen, found a scrap of paper and wrote simply, `Dear Leon, I think it best that I should leave.' She signed it 'Varnie', and, knowing that she had made the right decision but fearing that her need to see his face just one more time might weaken her, without stopping to pack, she took up her bag with her car key and noiselessly left her room. She placed her note on top of the stairs, and, as silently, let herself out of the house.

Her soft-soled shoes made not the smallest sound as she walked to the end of the drive and opened the gates. Thankfully she had not garaged her car, so all she had to do was to open it with her battery-operated key, slide inside, and be away.

It was still dark when she arrived at the borders of Gloucestershire. She wanted to go back to Wales. She felt bereft, and did not feel any better to know that this was the way it was going to be.

Her parents were early risers, and were up and about when she went in. Varnie pinned a smile on her face, but found that for the moment her parents had too much else on their minds to notice that something might be amiss with her world.

`Couldn't you sleep?' was her father's cheery comment, referring to the fact that she must have got up before the birds to have got there so early. `We were just thinking of ringing you.'

`Did you know about this?' her mother asked before Varnie could reply.

Her mother was smiling. `What?' Varnie asked.

`Johnny's just phoned,' Robert Metcalfe replied. `He's getting married.'

`Oh!' Varnie exclaimed, but confessed, `Johnny wanted to tell you first, only he rang to tell Leon-Beaumont-that he was resigning and I answered the phone.'

`He's met this most wonderful girl, apparently. He can talk of nothing and no one else but Tina. He wants to get married as soon as it can be arranged, and wants us to go out there as soon as we can!' her mother went on, but then suddenly realised, `You've left Aldwyn House? Or are you going back?'

`Leon doesn't need me,' Varnie replied, and could have wept at the truth of that. But matters pertaining to Johnny and his surprising news were to the forefront of her parents' minds, and while the three of them sat down to breakfast together Robert and Hannah Metcalfe laid plans for a trip to Australia.

`You'll come with us, of course.' Her mother stated it as a foregone conclusion. `We'll have to wait until nine o'clock for the travel agents to open....'

A half-hour later everything was more or less agreed upon. Robert Metcalfe had his bi-yearly eyesight test scheduled for nine-thirty that morning, his wife would go with him, and they had decided they would call at the travel agents after his eye test, and make enquiries about travelling in about a month's time.

`You look tired,' her mother suddenly observed. `You must have got up early to avoid the traffic. You needn't come with us unless you're desperate to. Dad can arrange everything for you.All right?"

'Yes. Fine,' Varnie answered, trying to show enthusiasm, but her heart and head were more in Wales than on the Australian trip.

The house was quiet after her parents had gone, and Varnie was glad to not have to pretend that everything was roses in her world. `Leon doesn't need me,' she had told her mother, and that about summed everything up. While she needed him, he did not need her. And she had been right to leave. Had she stayed, had he kissed her again, she would not have had the strength to tell him no a second time. Even now she wanted again to feel his arms around her.

Varnie went up to her room and showered and changed into fresh clothes. She tried to feel glad that she was home again, home in familiar surroundings where she knew she was loved, but her heart wasn't in it.

Time seemed to drag. So much had happened and it wasn't yet ten o'clock. She decided to keep busy, and to that end went down the stairs and took a look in the fridge, thinking to have lunch ready for when her parents returned. She closed the fridge door when someone rang the front door bell.

She went along to the front door, not too curious to find out who was calling or what they wanted. But, on pulling back the front door, she nearly dropped with shock! Leon Beaumont stood there! Hot colour surged to her face.

He eyed her steadily for several long seconds, taking in the swift tide of colour that flushed her face. Varnie had still not recovered or found her voice when slowly he drawled, `I think you and I have a little unfinished business, Varnie Sutton.'

She felt brain dead. `If it's about my bonus, you can keep...' was the poor best she could manage by the way of sauce, and her voice tailed off at the sudden glint in his eyes.

`Perhaps "business" was the wrong choice of word,' he answered evenly. And, fixing her with a deliberatestare , as if waiting, watching, for her reaction, `It's more personal than that.'

Instinctively she wanted to slam the door closed on him. He couldn't know she loved him, could he? He mustn't know that she loved him. `I think we were more "personal" last night than employer and employee should be!' she retorted, and could hardly believe that she was so shaken to see him standing there on her doorstep, when she had never expected to see him again, that she was actually referring to their lovemaking of the previous evening! `You must have left around six o'clock to have got here so quickly,' she remarked, desperate to change the subject, but still struggling to surface.

`You're blushing again,' Leon commented easily, appearing far more at home than she was feeling. `Half past, actually,' he replied, and asked, `What time did you leave?"

'Fiveish,' she replied. He nodded. `Around the time I nodded off to sleep for the first time,' he stated.

Varnie's eyes widened a touch. Was he saying that he'd had the same sleepless night that she'd had? Well, not for the same reason, obviously,huffed a down-to- earth inner voice.

'You-1-didn't think you knew where I lived.'

`I didn't,' he answered, and added with no small hint, `It's a long story.'

Only then did Varnie become aware of her rudeness in keeping him standing there on the doorstep. She did not want to invite him in. Yes, she did, of course she did, argued the heart that loved him. She had thought never to see him again.

'You'd better come in,' she said, heart winning with a touch of manners over a head that warned no, that if she did she would have to guard that he did not guess at her feelings for him. 'I'm-um-afraid my parents aren't in,' she apologised as she led the way to the sitting room.

`No matter,' Leon answered. `It wasn't your parents I came to see.' `W-would you like a coffee after your drive?' she enquired politely, reaching the sitting room and belatedly doing her hostess bit as she turned to face him. He must have been driving for over three hours.

'I'd prefer to have a few honest answers,' he replied, which well and truly threw her. `Honest answers?,

'Could you not bring yourself to be honest with me for once?' heasked, his expression serious.

His serious expression worried her somewhat. He seemed somehow like a man who had set out on some sort of course and looked unlikely to veer from it-as in he wanted some honest answers, and would not desist until he had those honest answers.

`T-take a seat,' she invited, while she quickly mulled over his request. She supposed, up to a point-that point being to see he had no clue about her true feelings for him-that she could be honest with him. Leon went over to one of the two sofas in the room, but, his manners on show too, waited until Varnie took a seat on the other one. They were both seated, Leon looking across at her, when Varnie, a shade reluctantly, admitted, `I suppose I have been a-touch-um-less than truthful with you.'

`A touch?Only a touch?"

'I didn't think I'd lied all that much,' she retorted sniffily, not liking to be put on the defensive.

`What about lies of omission?' he asked quietly.

She had no idea just how much he knew about her lies ofomission, or her lies either, for that matter. But to have found out where she lived indicated that he knew more than she had thought. But this was her home-she tried to get angry-he had no right to come here and disturb her. Varnie was realising that she would be putty in his hands if she did not find some backbone to attack.

`What about you?' she erupted. `You were a real pain when I first met you. You didn't actually invite truthful confidences!'

He smiled. It was a small smile, and soon disappeared, but it warmed her heart to catch a glimpse of it, and that was before he agreed. `Guilty as charged.' `Yes, well,' she mumbled, and then got herself more of one piece. `How much do you know?' she asked.

`You're saying you intend to lie about the rest?'

She had to laugh. `Oh, shut up,' she protested, and loved him so desperately when hegrinned, every bit as though he enjoyed her company, enjoyed her laugh. `No, don't shut up,' she countermanded, getting herself back together again. `Tell me how the Dickens you knew where to find me?'And, as the thought suddenly struck, `And why you bothered to find me anyway?'

Leon looked levelly at her for some moments before, as if making up his mind to face up and be truthful himself, even if she would not, `Theone was easy, the other...' He left it there, but did go on to state, `At the risk of making you blush again, you'll accept, I think, that we were both rather led by our emotions last night.'

If he meant physical emotions she was prepared to agree, although for her, her heart was involved too. `Yes,' she conceded quietly. Leon gave her a warm look for her honesty, and continued, `I don't know what kind of a night you spent, or how much sleep you got, but it wasn't until five this morning that I had to force myself to lie down and make myself go to sleep. That,' he said, looking directly across at her, `or give in to the compulsion I'd battled with ever since you ran from me to come to your room and try to comfort you.'

'You-wanted to-comfort me?'

His smile was gentle. `I knew you were upset-I've learned a little of you these past couple of weeks. I knew you'd never been that far with any man before. You'd said you'd never felt the way you did before. Yes, I wanted to comfort you.'

`But you made yourself stay put?"

'I had to. It was never my intention to make love to you last night. It just sort of happened,' he confessed. `There'sa chemistry between us Varnie, that causes you as well as me, I think, to go into realms we'd not thought of going.'

Varnie stared at him and half wished she knew as much as he did. `So you made yourself stay put in case that-ch-chemistry-umstirred again?' Leon nodded. `And then we'd be back to square one.'

She smiled at his thoughtfulness. `So you stayed where you were?"

'Lord what a night it was,' he took up. `It was around five this morning when I knew that if I could hang on for another hour you would be getting up anyway and I made myself get on my bed. Just one morehour , then I'd go downstairs, and soon, away from our bedrooms, you would join me.'