Authors: Sylvia McDaniel
He wanted her back in his arms, for all time. Somehow, life without Alexandra didn't have any meaning or excitement. In fact, looking back, even with his philandering, he had been an empty shell of a man. Alexandra had made him come alive, made him feel things he'd long since forgotten, made him eager to face each new day.
God, he wanted her to come home.
He could crawl back to Summerwood again and abjectly beg for her forgiveness, but some part of him balked. After all, people married for money every day. Had his actions been so unpardonable? Maybe she'd come to her senses and come back to him. All he could do was hope.
He glanced around at the empty fields. The last of the crop was being picked now, and soon, very soon, he would be forced to send money to the county. If he spent the money from Alexandra's father, he risked losing his wife forever.
He pushed the thought from his mind. The consequences of his actions were much more painful than he'd realized. The permanent loss of his wife was something he couldn't face, couldn't bring himself to consider.
Connor rode into the livery yard and dismounted. Handing the mare over to the stable boy, he walked across the yard until he reached the house. Climbing the steps, he stopped and gazed out, looking over the land.
River Bend had been in his family for generations. He didn't want to be the Manning who lost their legacy.
Nor did he want to die heartbroken and alone. Yet he was slowly realizing that he couldn't have it all.
The money, the land, and Alexandra.
Something would have to go.
Connor yanked open the door and came
facetoface
with Leona.
"You look like you've lost your best friend," the big black woman said. "Where is Mrs. Manning?"
"She's still with her aunt."
"Is she feeling ill?"
Connor took a deep breath. "She's fine."
"Well, I hope she looks better than the
soontobe
father. You're not trying to come down with something, are you?"
Leona could not cure what was ailing him. Broken hearts caused by bad judgment were synonymous with fools. And he was beginning to realize just how big a fool he'd been.
"A good stiff brandy will undoubtedly dull the pain that ails me."
"Humph! Nothing good comes from drinking," Leona said as she sashayed down the hall,
then
paused at the wooden hall tree. She picked up an envelope and handed it to him. "A messenger came out from town to deliver this today."
Taking the letter from Leona, Connor glanced at the return address.
Charleston County.
His heart gave a jump as fear gripped him. He knew what the missive contained before he opened it. The official look about the envelope was enough to tip him off to the contents.
He stared at the address, not looking at the servant. "Thank you, Leona."
Suzanne walked into the hall and faced him, her hands on her hips. "I'd like a word with you, Connor."
He looked up from the envelope with a tired sigh."Can it wait? I need to sit down and read this message."
"No," she said. "I want to speak with you now."
Connor frowned. His sister's tone of voice brooked no argument. It would be simpler if he just handled this problem now, before it grew larger.
"Let's go to my office," he said, walking toward the small room off the parlor. As he went through the door, he was suddenly reminded of the day that James had come to make the offer regarding marriage to Alexandra.
At the time, it had seemed such a wonderful solution to his problems, but now there were only greater problems looming before him. Yet because of that meeting with James he had married Alexandra.
If only Connor had wooed her honestly. If only she would forgive him for his part in the deal. He hadn't married her to hurt her, but he should have been honest with her.
He moved to sit behind his desk, laying the envelope down.
Suzanne took a seat on the other side and frowned. "When is Alexandra coming home?"
Connor shrugged noncommittally.
"You've upset her again, haven't you?"
"That is none of your business, young lady."
"It's been three days. I thought she would have returned by now."
"Her uncle just died. She's spending time with her aunt."
"I don't believe you. The last three days you have snapped the servants' heads off, barked at me, and moped in your study every night
Obviously
, something's wrong."
He gave her a curt nod of acknowledgment "If you must know
,
she is upset with me. I'm trying to make amends, but I suspect it may take time."
Suzanne stared at him, making him uneasy. "I hope you realize that Alexandra has changed you for the better. She's added warmth to this house that was missing before. She has become mistress of River Bend in every way. She carries your child."
Connor raised his eyebrows at his sister. "That's true. She's run the household very well."
"Don't ignore my other comment. She
has
changed you for the better, dear brother."
"I'm still the same person I've always been."
He knew it was a lie the moment he said the words. Though he didn't want to face the truth, Alexandra had changed him, made him into a husband, a father, even a better brother. The rake
who
womanized and drank was gone. The man who hadn't let anyone into his heart for years was in serious trouble.
Suzanne slowly shook her head. "You've settled down." She took a breath. "Alexandra is a saint to put up with you."
Clearing his throat Connor shifted uneasily in his chair. "You're right Suzanne." He stood and presented her his back. His voice drifted off. "And soon I will be a father."
"I'm looking forward to spoiling my niece or nephew. And since I happen to love my
sisterinlaw
, I don't want her to be so unhappy she never returns," Suzanne said.
"I want Alexandra to be healthy, and I want her home,'' he said, unable to keep the fear out of his voice.
"You're scared," Suzanne acknowledged.
"You of all people should understand why I'm frightened. Our mother died in childbirth."
Thoughts of his mother's death had lingered on the edge of his conscience since the day the doctor announced Alexandra was with child. Until this moment he hadn't realized just how scared he was of losing his wife permanently.
If she chose not to be his wife—that would be bad enough.
He would manage. But the thought of her dying scared the hell out of him.
"Yes, but healthy women give birth every day. You've always told me that Mother was not healthy," Suzanne reasoned.
"She wasn't. But I'm still concerned."
Suzanne looked at him in surprise. "I knew you cared for her, but until today, I never realized how much."
Connor sighed. "I care more than you'll ever know."
Suzanne laughed.
"What's so funny?" he asked, frustrated by her laughter.
"It makes me feel good to know that, finally, some woman has captured your heart."
Connor frowned. "I'm not so sure I like this feeling."
"Big brother, whatever you did, you undoubtedly deserved her anger. I hope she makes you pay so that you'll never do it again," she chortled.
"Don't worry, I've learned my lesson. Now if you can quit laughing, I really would like to read my mail," he said, wondering at the transformation of his little sister. She was suddenly grown, she was a lady, and he could only thank his wife for her influence.
Suzanne left the office, closing the door behind her. The nasty envelope from the county drew his attention like a beacon. With heavy heart, he picked up the envelope and slowly slit the letter open.
After he finished reading the notice, he dropped it onto his desk and turned his chair to face the window. His family's land stretched before his gaze, the rolling fields of worthless cotton and the pastures where the mares he'd recently purchased played.
Could he give all this up?
Could he give Alexandra up?
Without James Halsted's money, he could not pay the taxes. Yet if he took the money from her father, she would never return. Hell, she might not come back even if he did return the funds to her father.
He'd been wrong to have agreed to marry her and get her with child. At the time, it hadn't seemed so bad, but now he knew he had been wrong. No one had the right to bargain with someone's life the way James Halsted had with his daughter. No one should treat marriage and children as if they could be bought and sold.
Connor felt sick inside. How could he have done this to her? How could he have treated her so shabbily?
She had every right to feel he'd betrayed her, married her and gotten her pregnant for money. But he had never imagined a life without River Bend. And what could he do to earn a living for a wife and child, except run a plantation?
He raked a shaking hand through his hair. Life without Alexandra would be empty and meaningless.
Never before had he felt this way about a woman. Not even after Georgiana had he felt this overwhelming sense of loss. He missed the sound of Alexandra's voice, craved her touch,
longed
for the feel of her snuggled against him at night.
Suzanne was right. Alexandra had definitely changed him. Before, he would have eased his conscience with a willing woman. Now all he wanted was his wife, no one else. He didn't care what society thought. All he wanted was sweet Alexandra back in his arms, the house filled with the sound of her laughter, and their children running through the house.
God, she had shown him what true family life was about and he had loved every moment. He'd never dreamed it could happen to him, but he had become a family man in every sense. Was this how love felt?
He sank down into a chair and put his head in his hands. He couldn't escape the truth. Somewhere, sometime during the last few months, he'd fallen for his wife. Fallen so deeply in love with her that she'd driven away his guilt over Georgiana, made him realize he didn't care where they lived. As long as his wife was at his side, wherever they lived, together they would make it into a home filled with their love.
Alexandra was his breath, his life, his very reason for living. She was strong and passionate, and had taught him about inner strength with her courageous stand against her
exhusband
. She had taught him about the goodness in life, about believing in trust and love once again.
But most important, she had allowed him to be the kind of person he wanted to be, but hadn't known how to be. And he had repaid her with his betrayal.
He loved Alexandra and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her by his side.
Only moments before his head had ached from the agony of his decision. Yet suddenly he had only one choice, one conclusion to this problem.
Only one course of action.
The pain in his head eased as he stood and found Halsted's bank draft. With a sense of peace and purpose, he penned a note and sealed the envelope.
Tomorrow, he would take the message to the post office and then visit Alexandra.
***
Connor could barely contain his excitement as he galloped his chestnut mare up the drive of Summerwood. The sun was peaking almost into midday after he'd spent the morning in town mailing his letter.
Pulling his horse to a stop, he swung his leg over the side and handed the reins to a stable boy. Hurrying up the steps of the house, he was anxious to see Alexandra.
Anxious to share with her his new revelation of love.
When the servant answered his summons, he was shown into the parlor, where he glanced at the portrait of Alexandra's mother. "Wish me luck, sweetheart," he whispered. The portrait stared down at him, the flashing green eyes vibrant just like Alexandra's.
While he waited he paced the room, stopping at the George Washington desk in the corner. Under a large ink blotter sat a stack of papers neatly bundled together. He glanced down and saw a letter written to a Mr. George Montgomery, the same man who had sent Alexandra the pen and ink set. His eyes skimmed the letter, shock flowing through him at the words.
Alexandra had written a second novel about her life with Gordon. Curiosity overcame Connor, and he thumbed through the stack, stopping when his gaze spotted a page that stunned him.
I didn't realize the extent of my
naivete
until my husband brought home a woman. I was to watch him have sexual relations with her. The woman lay back and showed me her genitalia, and how to caress myself in order to prepare for my husband's entry. I was horrified and would have bolted from the room, but Gordy had known I would not stay and had not only locked our bedroom door, but tied me to a chair so I could not escape. He offered to untie me if I wanted to join them in their perverse games. Instead I closed my eyes and tried to block out their hideous laughter and obscene groans. It
wasn
't
long until my husband mounted the woman and, though my eyes were closed, I
couldn
't help but open them occasionally just to see if they were finished.