A Searching Heart (10 page)

It sounded reasonable.

“Have these discussions ever . . . ever helped anyone in your group to understand more clearly? Be strengthened in their faith? Have doubters been encouraged to . . . to embrace the faith?”

“You mean—conversions?”

“Conversion? Commitment? Have the discussions helped anyone to know who God is and what He expects of us as His followers? Have the standards for Christian living been raised—or lowered?”

He did not answer her questions. He tightened his arm about her and whispered against her hair, “I sure wish you were there with me, Virginia.”

———

The visit passed far too quickly for Virginia. Long before she was ready, she was walking to the train for another good-bye. This time her companion did not chatter all the way to the station. They were both strangely quiet. Maybe they had already said everything that was on their hearts. Maybe they were afraid to speak for fear their words might expose feelings too painful to share at this time.

“I plan to come home for Christmas,” Jamison said as they rounded the corner of the last block.

She nodded, tears threatening to come. Christmas seemed like such a long way off. Why, little Anthony would be six months old by then.

They mounted the platform, and he set down his single suitcase. The wind tossed her hair about her face, and she reached up to push it aside so she wouldn't miss a second of their last few moments together. In the distance she heard the long, low whistle of the train. It seemed to echo the mourning in her heart.

Jamison's few days at home had meant enjoying ecstasy and enduring agony. It had been so good—so unexpected—to have him home for this time. Yet it had also cruelly reminded her of just how much she missed him, what she had given up in not joining him at college, and what a long time it would be until they were together again.

And she was worried. She couldn't put her finger on it, but there was something different—something deep inside that troubled her. He had changed. Subtly. She had been forced to accept that he would change. Had she? Was she still in step? But what troubled her most was that she couldn't define the changes. They were there, and she didn't know where they were or what they were or how it would eventually affect them. She clung more tightly to his hand.

The train, bearing down upon them now, meant that their final seconds together were closing in on them.

She realized that she had to speak. It was hard to make him hear the words with the train hissing and grinding as it came to a halt beside them. She stood on tiptoe to be nearer to his ear. “Jamison,” she called above the noise. “I've been wondering. Do you think maybe you should find another church?”

He had heard her and he seemed not to take offense. His arm around her shoulder drew her closer. “I've tried,” he shouted back. “I haven't found one—at least one close to the college.”

With a tightness in her chest, Virginia leaned toward him. She did not even object when he pulled her to him and kissed her in front of half the town.

———

Virginia was not sure if Jamison's time at home had made her days easier or more difficult. It seemed that she had to find the rhythm of living all over again. She felt out of step, agitated, unsure of just where and how she fit.

Baby Anthony proved to be her one source of solace. No one could fault a person for hugging a baby. Whenever she felt particularly lonely or distressed, she found excuses to pick up the little one and hold him close.

On some days she was encouraged to see that Clara was gaining some strength. On other days she despaired over Clara's continued frailty. It was all so frustrating.

Autumn slid into winter, and the leaves stopped tumbling. Empty tree arms waved in winter winds and then were blanketed with snow as Christmas neared. Jamison kept her informed about his football season, though because of his busyness, he did not find time to write as often as he had in the past.

But his team did win the championship. Virginia was so proud of him. She could hardly wait for Christmas, when he would be home, so she could properly tell him so.

But then a letter arrived. Jamison would not be home for Christmas. The coach wanted him to stay and work with some freshman players. He would be paid for his time. It was too good an opportunity to miss. Virginia was devastated, but she wrote back quickly telling him that she understood.

“I hope Clara is much better so that you can come second term,” his letter also said. But Clara was not better. Not that much better. She was able to be up for a portion of each day now. Could sit in a chair and nurse her growing baby. But she certainly wasn't ready to return to her own home and assume the responsibility of wife and mother. Virginia knew that she wouldn't be joining Jamison anytime soon. She sadly wrote to tell him so.

By the time the holidays were over, Clara could be up for hours at a time. At the end of January there was more color in her cheeks and further strength in her body. February ended. Clara could sweep a floor. Get a meal. She still needed to rest off and on throughout the day, but everyone was encouraged with her progress.

The traditional March winds came in gale force. Virginia had looked forward to getting out, taking Anthony for walks in the carriage. Maybe even getting Clara outside for some fresh air. But the wind prevented that.

Anthony, nine months old now, was a happy, energetic baby who felt entitled to the full attention of everyone in the household. With six people to care for his needs—and most of his wants—he had no reason to be out of sorts. He was now pulling himself up to stand on his own feet and thinking about the possibility of advancing from creeping to walking. Virginia fleetingly wondered why he would even bother as she rescued him from another exploration of the kitchen cupboards. It seemed he already got everywhere he wanted to be, in short order.

Rodney was having a good junior year at university. He still had glowing reports about his church group. In fact, one name from the group seemed to be cropping up in his letters fairly often. Grace Featherstone. Virginia noted that every time he wrote about any church activity, Grace was included in his description of the event. So far Rodney claimed no special relationship with the young lady, but those at home smiled whenever they read her name.

Jamison's sporadic letters did not include references to what his church group had recently been discussing. Virginia wondered if he feared her displeasure or if he had been missing church. In her own heart she wasn't sure which was preferable. She feared that Jamison's new church group might be doing more to destroy his faith than to build it. But not to go to church at all—that seemed destructive, as well.

April's showers and the resulting flowers brought smiles of pleasure to the whole family. Clara could be up for most of the day now, and she was talking more frequently about getting back to her own home. Virginia was glad for her sister's return to a more normal life, but she dreaded the thought of losing little Anthony. He was daily lengthening his journeys on those short, uncertain legs.

In May they all agreed that Clara was well enough to be on her own. With great care, she was moved back to the little house on the edge of town. Belinda insisted on continuing to prepare the evening meal, which was delivered by one or another of the Simpsons. Virginia went over twice a week to help with the cleaning and the laundry. Things seemed to be getting back to what they should be.

There never was a proper diagnosis for Clara's strange malady. It troubled Doctor Luke and worried Clara in spite of her efforts to put it in the past. Virginia knew she wanted more children and was fearful that the debilitating situation might be repeated.

Jenny actually had written a couple of letters over the winter months. Even that much correspondence surprised Virginia. Jenny's breezy notes were full of trips and weekend parties and new experiences that Virginia could in no way understand. Her heart ached for Jenny. It sounded as though the girl had chosen the wrong friends and taken a foolish path.

Virginia stopped in to the newspaper office to ask Jenny's father when her friend would be home, and he just shook his head.

“She won't be home,” he said gruffly. “Says she's gonna get a job.”

Virginia should not have been surprised at that, but the news disturbed her.

“She might as well have stayed home in the first place,” the father went on with a scowl. “Flunked most of her courses.”

“Jenny?” Virginia could hardly believe it. Jenny had been a good student when she'd made up her mind to be. She certainly was bright enough.

“Been doing nothin' but partying. Well, it's her life. But I've told her I'll only pay for one more year. If she doesn't settle down and get some good grades, I'm through. She can make her own way in the world.”

He turned back to his presses, and Virginia knew she was dismissed. She walked home feeling dejected. Jenny's class failures had not been good news. Besides, Virginia had been counting on her being home for the summer. In spite of Virginia's frustration and discouragement over Jenny's attitudes, the two girls had many years of friendship and experiences between them. Virginia truly cared for her wayward friend.

———

When Rodney came home, Virginia noticed more changes in him than she had the year before. But they were not differences she didn't like. He seemed much more mature. More thoughtful of others. More concerned about his faith and God's plan for his life. And there were those occasional references to Grace.

Virginia concluded that Rodney was growing up and that their days of having him living at home, sharing the household, might indeed be drawing to a close. She didn't much like that idea. It had been hard enough when Clara got married and left the Simpson household. They had at least kept her in their small town. Virginia had the impression that when Rodney left, God's plan, when discovered, might lead him on an entirely different path. She felt a knot in her stomach when she thought of the future. Things were changing too much. Too fast.

Even young Danny was quickly approaching high school graduation and was making plans to be off to college in the fall to study veterinary medicine. Danny seemed so much younger than Rodney had been when he went off to start college. But then, Rodney and Jamison had both decided to work a year before leaving for school. Danny was planning to plunge right in. So when Virginia also went to college in the fall, there would just be Francine left at home. As excited as Virginia was about her own future at college, the thought was staggering. Such a short time ago there had been seven of them around the supper table. In a few short months there might be only three.

Her world was changing far too rapidly. But there didn't seem to be much she could do about it.

———

When Jamison wrote that he would not be coming home for the summer, Virginia had expected it. He was going to stay and take up the job he'd had the summer before.

“But I do hope to get home for a weekend before I start,” his letter assured her. “I really do need to have a talk with you. I don't want to put it in a letter.”

Put what in a letter? Surely he was not going to propose marriage when they both had schooling still ahead of them. Though the idea was not unwelcome, that kind of start to married life would be very unwise. She was sure both sets of parents would object. No, she really didn't think Jamison could be thinking of that.

Was it about his church then? Had he found a new one as she had suggested? No, he would have felt free to tell her about that in a letter. He knew she would be happy for him.

Surely he hadn't discarded his faith. Surely not. Jamison was much too devout and settled to do a thing like that.

Was it about football? Had he changed his mind about being professional? Or had he been told that he'd never make it? Had there been an injury he had not explained that would stop him from his dream?

Virginia fretted about Jamison's letter. She felt that something was wrong. Something was troubling him. It could not be good news, or he would have poured it out on the paper, unable to wait to share it with her.

It caused a strange ripple of fear that tightened her stomach and made her heart beat more rapidly.

But there was nothing she could do but wait.

CHAPTER 8

R
odney arrived home and took a summer job with his brother-in-law, Troy, in the Dunworthy family store. Troy's father had decided to take the summer off. He and his wife would make the long-desired trip back to England to visit her family. That left Troy needing help to run the business. Rodney was pleased with the arrangement. He could start working immediately and could put in as many hours as he desired. He plunged right in, stocking shelves, doing clean-up chores, and waiting on customers. Soon Troy was appreciating some free time at home with Clara and little Anthony. Rodney seemed to be a natural in running the place, and the store did not suffer with Troy's absence. Rodney even kept the accounts and balanced the monthly statements, a chore that Troy detested. He began to joke that he had no intention of letting Rodney get away for school again.

Danny's summer job was with a local farmer, and his days were spent driving a team of horses, first planting and then haying. They began at five each morning with the choring and milking, and ended that way after a long, tiring day. Danny didn't mind the long hours or hard work. He was earning money for college, and as long as he could be handling animals he was quite happy.

For Virginia, it felt like a lazy summer after the extra responsibility and time helping Clara. At first it was strange to have no baby in the house. No invalid sister. But they all seemed to quickly adjust. Virginia learned to enjoy the lovely warm days and moments by her beloved creek without the pressure to keep up on all the chores for two households.

She still made frequent trips to Clara's, but her sister was feeling fine now and was quite specific in her desire to be keeping her own house and looking after her own “two men.” So Virginia's little jaunts over to Clara's became social visits with her sister and Anthony rather than to take over household tasks.