Authors: Andrea Grigg
‘Sylvie—’ Nick stopped at her look. ‘Alright. If that’s what you really want.’
For an answer, Sylvie stalked into the bedroom, closed her case and picked up her handbag.
Nick sighed. ‘Let me make a phone call and see what I can do.’
It appeared there were several seats available on the next flight. Nick insisted on driving her to the airport but Sylvie was adamant he wasn’t to come inside. He parked in the drop off zone and got her bag out of the boot. He tried to take her hand but she wrenched it away. ‘I’m sorry, Sylvie,’ he said, ‘I really am.’
With a terse nod she made her way into the terminal.
* * *
Nick slammed his keys on the kitchen bench. He felt terrible. Terrible for hurting Sylvie, for being found out, for still loving Lainey and that it was going a big, fat, nowhere.
He took a beer out of the fridge, flipped off the lid and hurled it into the sink. It bounced straight back out again. He picked it up and tossed it into the bin instead and then heard footsteps coming down the stairs.
‘Oh, hello.’ Lainey looked around. ‘Where’s Sylvie? I was going to see if she wanted to come shopping with me.’
‘She’s gone.’
‘Gone where? Oh! Did she go for her pedicure after all?’ Lainey grinned but it wasn’t funny anymore.
‘No. I just dropped her off at the airport. She wanted to go home.’
‘Go home? Why?’
‘None of your business.’
‘Did you have a fight or something after what went on upstairs?’
‘I said it’s none of your business, Lainey.’ He put on the television and turned his back. It was either that or kiss her like he had at the Valentine’s Day wedding.
It was easier to be mad at her. If he kept pushing her away then perhaps she would keep her distance and he could deal with her better. Except she was living here, right above him and he had to see her every day.
You don’t have to see her everyday
.
You can go back to Sydney anytime you want
.
There’s nothing stopping you.
Nick raked his hand through his hair. Now he was hearing voices.
He glanced up and saw she was still there, her expression unreadable. ‘What? I told you to leave.’ He turned up the volume. When he looked again, she’d taken his advice.
He couldn’t get Sylvie’s wounded face out of his head. He knew he had mistreated her and had tried to apologise for it but it hadn’t helped. She’d hit the nail on the head of course. She was quite astute for all that she was only twenty.
He
had
been trying to replace Lainey. Seeing her with Josh had got him so mad and poor Sylvie had got caught up in it. It could have been anyone but the fact that he’d known she’d liked him for ages had made it easier, knowing that she’d be more than willing. Guilt made him feel lousy.
Sylvie was the complete opposite of Lainey. She was tiny, had short, dark hair, brown eyes, wore loads of make-up, ate very little and to top it off she was a dancer with callused feet. A psychologist would have had a field day with him.
But what had happened to Josh? He’d never found out. For all he knew, Lainey could still be seeing him. He might even be coming up here this weekend to visit her on their birthdays.
It was enough to drive him back to the fridge for another beer. And another. After awhile, he lost count.
It was four months since Lainey had arrived. It hadn’t been easy.
After the Sylvie episode, Nick decided to go back to Sydney for a week and miss their birthdays. He used the excuse of having business to attend to but it wasn’t true. He needed to get away to try and clear his head. It didn’t work.
He was frustrated with not having enough to do until the rehearsals for the tour; frustrated his songwriting skills had dried up; frustrated at feeling frustrated – the list went on.
When he got back from Sydney, he was rude to Lainey the minute he saw her. He went to thank her for the tin of homemade choc chip cookies she’d left on the bench along with a silly birthday card, and found her doing the ironing. It was no big deal – until he realised she was ironing some of
his
stuff.
‘What are you doing?’
‘Hi, Nick, how are you? How was your trip? Fine thanks, Lainey and how are you?’
‘Why are you ironing my clothes?’
‘Because they’re
wrinkled
.’ Lainey spoke with careful indulgence, like a hostess on a children’s show. She placed her hands on her hips. ‘I’m helping your mother. She’s gone out for coffee and I said I’d do this to give her a break. What is your problem?’
Nick couldn’t tell her that the sight of her ironing his things drove him crazy. He hoped she hadn’t got his washing off the line and handled his Calvin Kleins. He wanted to grab all his clothes, bundle them up and take them downstairs where she couldn’t touch them but he had no way of doing it without appearing unhinged.
Which is how he was feeling more and more now that a whole month had gone by. And he was getting worse. Of course, he could have gone back to Sydney but he couldn’t stay away to save himself.
It came to a head at Sharon and Dave’s. He and Lainey had been invited over for a meal along with Adam and Lara, a last get-together before he left for Europe. He’d be gone for the best part of two months. Nick found it hard going there together, just like a real couple, but it didn’t seem to bother Lainey. There were no awkward silences during the drive to the Irvine’s, thanks to her non-stop chatter about how wonderful her new job was with her wonderful new children at her wonderful new school.
Over dessert, Sharon remarked on how good it was to have Lainey back with them and how happy she was. All true. It bugged him no end. Maybe she was indeed over him and had moved on – with her wonderful new life.
‘You amaze me with your fitness,’ Sharon said to her. ‘I wish I had your dedication.’ She looked down at her stomach. ‘I’ve still got leftovers and Shelby’s turned two.’
‘You’re fine the way you are.’ Dave patted his own stomach. ‘We match.’
Sharon laughed then turned back to Lainey. ‘How do you have the energy to run
at night? I know you’ve always been a night owl, but don’t you wake up grumpy?’
‘No, I leave him asleep downstairs.’
There was a split second before they all laughed, himself included. And so what if he was grumpy? It was her fault.
Nick couldn’t help but observe that these people may not have the money he did, but they were happier than a lot of his other friends – all without alcohol or drugs. This was why he couldn’t talk to James. He wouldn’t understand. It was also why he couldn’t talk to Adam or his mother. Their answer would be that God was the only one who could replace the emptiness in your life and that everything else you tried would fall flat. He figured they were probably right but he wouldn’t admit it out loud. He still was angry at God about Lainey. And his father.
Thinking about Liam was painful, too. Lainey had been right; his career would have taken precedence in his life without a shadow of a doubt. He would have chosen adoption. Sometime, he needed to tell her.
The solution to part of his problem came in a blinding flash as he watched Adam and Lara while they made coffee. He couldn’t get Adam outside quick enough and came straight to the point.
‘Look, I know this is a very personal question but bear with me. How much do you need before you can buy a house?’
Adam blinked. ‘It
is
very personal. I think you should tell me what this is about first.’
Nick ran his hand through his hair. ‘Alright but you’re not to tell this to anyone, not even Lara.’ At Adam’s nod he continued.
‘I’m still in love with Lainey.’ He saw the sympathetic expression on his friend’s face and he started to pace up and down the short patio. ‘I can’t stand her being so close to me, living upstairs. I see her all the time, hear her,
smell
her and I know I should have gone back to Sydney but … anyhow, I’m about to go overseas for two months and when I get back I need to have her gone from my place and living in your granny flat.’ He shoved his hands in his pockets.
‘I want to write a cheque for whatever you need. I’d give it to you for nothing but I know you wouldn’t let me. Would you consider it as an interest free loan? Please? Help me out, mate.’
Adam whistled. ‘Boy, you do have it bad.’
‘Yes. So what do you say?’
‘I’ll have to talk it over with Lara. It’s not something I can decide without discussing it with her but I promise I won’t tell her why. It’ll look like you’re doing us a favour, that’s all.’
‘Do you think it’s possible?’
‘Could be. I guess we’d be helping each other out.’ A grin spread over his face. ‘Lara’s pregnant.’
‘That’s great! Congratulations.’ Nick was thrilled for them, even more so when he realised how it could help his cause. ‘This could be a timely offer then. You’ll want a place of your own sooner rather than later.’
‘Exactly. But don’t go telling anyone yet.’
‘Could you phone me tomorrow? I’m leaving the day after.’
‘Alright.’ Adam nodded then frowned. ‘You don’t even know how much we need. I guess it isn’t too much of a problem for you, is it?’
‘No, it’s not.’ He blew out a breath. ‘Thanks. You have no idea how much better I’ll feel.’
He was quiet as they drove home and Lainey didn’t say too much either. Something was bothering her but she’d get around to saying it if she wanted to. They were inside the garage before she did.
‘I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings tonight, Nick,’ she said, as she undid her seatbelt.
‘When?’
‘When I said that thing about you being grumpy.’
‘I thought it was clever. Anyway, it’s true, isn’t it?’ Shadows obscured her face and he couldn’t tell what she was thinking. There was silence except for the sound of the engine ticking as it cooled down.
She sighed and fiddled with her bag. ‘I get the feeling you don’t want me here, that you would rather I’d stayed in Sydney.’ Her head came up. ‘Do you?’
Oh no. He wasn’t going to be drawn into this conversation. ‘Lainey, you do what you want.’ He got out and went into the house, needing to put distance between them.
‘Nick?’
‘What?’ He was already halfway down the stairs.
‘It’s easy to be grumpy when God’s chasing you.’
‘Anything else?’
‘There is, actually.’
‘Hurry up. I want to go to bed.’
And I wish you were coming with me.
‘Well, this occurred to me a while ago and I wanted to talk to you about it before you went away.’
‘And?’
‘You said how you’re annoyed at God for taking away your father, right?’
‘Your point is?’
‘I never had one at all. Mine rejected me before he even knew me. At least yours loved and wanted you. So while I feel sorry for you, don’t use that as an excuse to be angry at God; your argument doesn’t hold much water and it’s getting very old. Goodnight.’
The connecting door slid shut, literally leaving him in the dark and a little stunned. What she’d said
did
give him something to think about. He also had the impression his strategy of pushing her away was working. As he’d expected, it didn’t make him feel very good.
As he showered before going to bed, he reminded himself that after tomorrow, he would be busy with rehearsals and preparation for the tour. Thank goodness for that.
When he shut off the water, it emphasised the quiet. Again, he was alone and sick of the same old thoughts. By his own choices, the girl upstairs would soon be thousands of miles away from him in body as well as in spirit. He had every reason to be irritable.
Lainey loved her life. Every morning, she would make herself a coffee and take it out on the deck along with her Bible and enjoy her surroundings.
Nick had been gone for a couple of days and while she missed him, she didn’t miss walking on eggshells. She hoped he’d be happier on tour, doing what he loved. Either that or he’d be a pain in the butt.
Keeping up the façade of being unaffected by seeing him at any given moment had been difficult. She didn’t feel any differently about him; she was just as much in love with him as ever. Her heart always gave a strange kind of hiccup whenever she saw him and she was always aware of his presence, as if she had an inbuilt radar system.
He’d given her a shock when he’d turned up with Sylvie but things had worked out in a strange sort of way. She wondered how Sylvie was going, rehearsing with Nick. She hoped he would be nice to her.
Church was excellent. She enjoyed being under Pastor Ray’s ministry again and there was also a terrific young adults group. Although she was at the older end of it, it didn’t matter. She spent a lot of time with Lara and Adam and Sharon and Dave but when she’d had enough of being around couples there were other people to get together with.
Teaching at a Christian school was quite different to anything she’d experienced before. Lainey loved being able to talk openly with her class about her relationship with God. By the time she’d been there four weeks, Lainey was very happy.
On a Friday afternoon, Lainey went around to see Sharon on her way home from work. She enjoyed visiting the Irvine household; it was always busy and a bit of a shambles but with three young kids what could you expect? Lainey loved each of the children but little Shelby had a special place in her heart. She was a very cute two-year-old with her daddy’s reddish-gold hair and her mother’s outgoing nature.
Sharon’s mother, Nina, was there and gave her a hug and a kiss. She insisted on making coffee for them and took Shelby into the kitchen with her.
They’d been chatting for only a couple of minutes when they heard a sickening thump and a scream from Shelby. Leaping to their feet, they ran into the kitchen. Nina was face down on the floor, unconscious.
‘Mum!’ Sharon felt for a pulse and looked at Lainey, panicking. ‘There’s nothing! Quick, what do we do?’
‘Roll her over.’ Lainey helped her, both of them grunting with the effort; Nina was a large woman. She wasn’t breathing either.
‘Call triple 0,
now
.’ Lainey’s hands shook and her heart raced but she knew what to do. Teaching encouraged her to keep up her Senior First Aid certificate.
Sharon phoned her husband and father while Lainey performed her grim task for what seemed like hours before the ambulance arrived, sirens wailing. With relief, she let the paramedics take over and prayed silently, her arms around her friend. There was a pulse, weak and unsteady, but it was there. Nina was breathing on her own, but still unconscious.
‘Well done.’ The older of the two men congratulated Lainey. ‘She’s had a heart attack but because of you, she’s back.’
Dave and Sharon’s father, Sam, burst in the door. Sam looked like he was going to pass out but rallied as he knelt beside his wife. He began murmuring loving things to her, making Lainey cry, the realisation of what had happened setting in.
It took another twenty minutes before they could load Nina into the ambulance, Sam going with them. Sharon and Dave took their own car while Lainey stayed with Shelby and waited for the boys. She would have the unenviable job of letting them know what had happened.
She phoned Hannah and she came over immediately. She and Nina had been close friends for years. It was a terrible shock, but in typical Hannah fashion, she was more concerned for Lainey than herself. Lainey was grateful to have her there when the boys came home. She was even more grateful when Adam and Lara turned up. Adam was terrific with the boys, distracting them while Lara helped her with Shelby.
Lainey fed and bathed the children then let the boys watch TV with Adam until they fell asleep on the lounge. Shelby went out like a light, exhausted from crying for her mother. The call from the hospital didn’t come until late.
Sharon was sobbing into the phone. ‘Oh, Lainey,’ she choked, ‘Mum’s gone.’
* * *
Lainey took the day off from work to attend the funeral. She had been asked to play before the service, along with Leo, one of the church pianists.
From her vantage point on the stage, she could see a lot of people making their way into the auditorium. Nina had been a popular lady. Even Rose had flown up from Sydney and was staying overnight at Hannah’s, sharing Lainey’s room. Lainey wished her mother could stay longer, but Roger needed his wife.
Sam had insisted the funeral be a celebration of Nina’s life. She would have hated it any other way. Lainey glanced at him now, surrounded by his two daughters, his son and their families and knew he had plenty of support.
Nick had said he wanted to come but it was the same day The Mavericks were flying out to London and he wasn’t sure if he could work the flights. He would do his best to get there.
Her heart jolted as she spotted him. With one eye on her music, she watched him go straight to Sam and his family and hug them before slipping into the seat she and Hannah had saved for him, just in case.
Nick gave her a brief smile as she sat next to him. ‘You played beautifully.’
‘Thanks. I’m glad you could make it.’ Lainey was very aware of him beside her, heart-stoppingly attractive in his suit and shirt that matched his eyes. She cleared her throat. What was she doing thinking such things at a funeral?
It was a celebratory service. Pastor Ray did an excellent job of balancing the sadness of death with the hope of eternal life. Lainey didn’t even cry – until Sam got up and gave the eulogy. He spoke of the forty years he’d spent married to Nina and recounted several funny incidents that typified his wife and captured what made her special. His voice broke a few times which sent tears sliding down Lainey’s face. She didn’t bother trying to hide them; nearly everyone was the same and there was laughter amidst it all.
Her heart nearly catapulted out of her throat when Nick’s arm came around her and stayed there. Instead of fighting it, Lainey drew comfort from his nearness. It always felt so right.
When they stood to sing the contact was broken but her disappointment didn’t last long. Nina’s favourite hymn had been
Amazing Grace
and to stand next to Nick and hear him sing it gave her goosebumps.
Next, Sharon, Theresa and Neil got up and gave a very touching speech about their mother. This time as the tears came, Nick took her hand and held it for the rest of the service.
Lainey waited until the last ‘amen’ before she pulled away.
Why are You making this so hard, Lord?
It was a rhetorical question. She was startled when two words implanted themselves in her brain.
Be patient
.
The impression wouldn’t go away and the small seed of hope that had shrunk but never died, grew just a little.
‘Alright?’ Nick’s eyes were soft like they used to be.
‘Yeah, thanks.’ She managed a little smile. ‘I still can’t believe Nina’s gone, that we won’t run into her somewhere.’
‘Me neither.’ He held her gaze. ‘Life can be too short, can’t it?’
Lainey nodded. ‘It’s made me realise how important it is to treasure every day, make the most of every moment we have.’
‘Exactly what I’ve been thinking.’ Nick took a deep breath and let it out. ‘I was so angry with you, Lainey.’
She traced the edge of the seat. ‘You had every right to be. I don’t blame you if you still are.’
‘Well, I’m not.’
Her eyes flew to his. ‘You’re not?’
‘No. Like I said, Nina’s death has made me think. Life’s too short to hold a grudge.’
‘Even though I hurt you?’
‘We both got hurt; it wasn’t just me.’
They shared a sad sort of smile. Lainey was about to speak but was cut short by one of the church matriarchs.
‘Well, well, Nick Cusack. Good to see you in church even if it is for a funeral.’
Lainey suppressed a smile at Nick’s fleeting expression before his customary public persona took over.
‘Mrs Rochester. How are you?’
She knew he wanted her to stay, but, a little unnerved from their exchange, Lainey excused herself and went looking her mother.
It was the first time Rose had been back to the Gold Coast in years. Lainey stayed with her as she caught up with dozens of friends out in the hall during afternoon tea. Her mind was only half on what was being said, the rest of it mulling over the conversation with Nick. At least he wasn’t mad with her anymore.
‘I’ve got to go. Will you come out with me?’ Preoccupied with her thoughts, Nick’s voice in her ear made her jump.
She waited as he said goodbye to Rose and Hannah, then they went out to the steps under the portico, just as his taxi pulled in.
Nick signalled he wouldn’t be long, and then turned back to Lainey. ‘I’ve got a favour to ask you.’
‘What is it?’ She’d do anything for him.
‘With Nina passing away so suddenly it’s made me think a bit more about Mum. She’s only a couple of years younger than Nina and I know she’s in a lot better shape but you never know.’ He pulled some keys out of his pocket and a slip of paper. ‘I’ve had an extra set of keys cut for my place and Mum’s just in case something goes wrong. Hopefully, they won’t be needed but I’ll feel better if I know you have them. Is that alright?’
‘Of course.’ Lainey thought it was sensible in the light of what had happened. She was using a spare set of Hannah’s but she would have to give them back eventually. She held out her hand and he placed them in her palm. ‘And the piece of paper?’
‘It’s my new phone number. Not many have it as you can imagine, but I’d like you to, in case you need me for anything.’ He put that in her hand too and curled her fingers over, holding them with his own.
‘Alright. Thanks.’ She withdrew her hand. ‘You’d better go. You don’t want to miss your flight.’
‘Thanks, Lainey. I’ll see you in a couple of months.’ He opened the door and got into the cab.
She gave a little wave and turned to go. Out of the corner of her eye she saw the taxi stop and reverse. Nick got out again and came toward her.
‘What’s wrong?’ she asked.
‘Nothing.’ He ran his hand through his hair and she smiled at the telltale gesture. ‘Look, I know this might sound weird and you mightn’t give a toss for all I know, but I have to say it. I want you to know … I don’t know why I’m telling you this but I just have to. Despite what you may have heard or seen …’ He trailed off once more, looked away, then back again.
‘Since we broke up, I haven’t been with anyone. Not one, not even Sylvie.’ His words were rapid, his gaze intense. ‘Do you believe me?’
Lainey tightened her grip around the things in her hand. ‘I believe you.’
He nodded. ‘Good. I’m not really sure what it’s all for, but I felt compelled to let you know.’ He frowned and shook his head. ‘Weird.’
‘It is a bit,’ Lainey said, ‘and for what it’s worth, neither have I.’
He grinned. ‘I should hope not. Take care.’ He planted a kiss on her cheek and got back in the taxi, looking a lot happier.
Lainey stayed where she was, her cheek tingling, needing a moment to try and make sense of what had just happened.
Lord?
What was that all about?
The same two words came to mind plus three more, and a sense of peace.
Be patient. Trust in Me.
With that, she had to be content.