A Spy's Devotion (28 page)

CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

Julia brought her tea up to her room to eat in peace and silence, but somehow, the room seemed lonelier than ever. The tea was comforting, and she sipped it slowly while staring at her bag and trunk, already packed and waiting to leave with her at dawn.

She had missed her chance to speak to Mr. Langdon in the garden, so perhaps she would attend the ball after all. It could be the last time she would ever see him.

Perhaps she should also write him a letter. In a letter she could thank him, and also apologize to him, and wouldn’t have to fear what he would say or how he would look.

She went to her tiny desk and began to write:

Mr. Langdon,

Please don’t think me too forward for writing you this letter. I am sorry I was not able to speak with you, as you expressed a wish to, but I must leave at dawn, at Mrs. Atherton’s orders, to go to my new position as a teacher at the Cumberland School for Girls in Kent. Because of this circumstance, I hope you will excuse me.

I very much wish to tell you that I was most grateful for your help when I was so very sick, for loaning your servants to care for me, and the many kindnesses you showed me. I also wanted to thank you for taking care of me when I was injured, for paying the surgeon, and for having my trunks sent here for me.

Forgive my impertinence, but allow me to tell you that I have long admired you as the best and most honorable man of my acquaintance. I tried to avoid you and even, for a while, tried to think badly of you, all because my cousin Phoebe fancied herself in love with you. I tried many times to check her from recklessly setting her heart on marrying you but without success. But that is no excuse for thinking ill of you or for hiding my own admiration for you. For, Mr. Langdon, I confess that I love you.

Julia chuckled a bit hysterically at what she was writing. She could never give such a letter to Mr. Langdon! It was impossible, ridiculous. But it felt oddly refreshing to put her true thoughts and feelings on paper. Therefore, she continued:

I love you, and my intense feelings for you first began, I believe, when you asked Sarah Peck to dance, rescuing her from sitting all alone that night so many months ago when no one else gave her the least notice. You were all grace and style and handsome vitality, but I didn’t want to believe you were anything but a flirtatious dandy. As I learned more about you, I found I couldn’t disdain you. Truly, you were kind and good and everything a Christian gentleman should be. You cared about the poor, and you helped orphans and those in dire circumstances. You showed courage, wisdom, and restraint, and you were not afraid to act on behalf of others. Even though I was helplessly in love with you, I continued to tell myself I wasn’t, that you and I were nothing more than friends. Phoebe begged me to help her make you love her, because otherwise she could never be happy, and I was foolish enough to say yes to what she asked. I couldn’t believe then that you could ever love me or want to marry someone in my situation.

As I am now a penniless governess, without family or connections, I know my love for you is even more hopeless. And so, I will be gone in the morning and must bid you adieu forever. I love you too well to wish you anything but happiness and the best that God can possibly afford you. May God be with you always.

Julia’s tears fell on the paper, as she signed,
Your faithful friend and fellow spy, Julia Grey
, at the bottom.

Foolish, silly letter.
A sensible, proper young lady would never give a man such a letter. No, Julia must write him a practical letter, something that she could actually give to him when she left in the morning.

Julia took out another sheet of paper and began to write again:

Mr. Langdon,

Forgive me my impropriety in writing this personal letter to you, but I wanted to say how sorry I am that I was not able to speak with you, as you expressed a wish to, in the garden. I must leave at dawn, as Mrs. Atherton orders me to do, to go to my new position as a teacher at the Cumberland School for Girls in Kent. I hope you will excuse me.

I also wish to thank you for your service to me when I was sick, as well as your kind attention when I was
injured a few weeks ago on Bishopsgate Street. You have been a charitable friend, and I am grateful. You are a most worthy gentleman, deserving of every good thing God might provide for your happiness. Therefore I wish you all of God’s blessings, including health, joy, and long life.

There. That was not too forward. It conveyed a proper regard and thanked him for all he had done for her, while apologizing for not being able to speak with him in private as he had wished. But it did more to hide, rather than reveal, the extent of her feelings.

Her first letter conveyed the truth, and if she were brave like Leorah, she would give him the first letter. Part of her wanted to. Part of her wanted to open her heart to him and be completely honest.

No, it was too bold. He would think her improper. She would give him the safe letter and save herself the embarrassment of having said too much.

She signed the second letter and folded it, writing
Mr. Nicholas Langdon
on the outside, just as a piece of paper slid under her door and scooted across the floor at her. She walked over and picked it up, unfolding it and reading:

Miss Grey,

Please do me the honor of meeting me in the garden in the morning at nine o’clock. I must speak with you. I greatly regret not being able to speak with you this afternoon, but I was inexorably detained for half an hour by two different people, and when I knocked on your door, there was no answer. Forgive me for my boldness, but I beg you not to leave for your new position without giving me the opportunity to speak with you.

Your humble and obedient servant,

Nicholas Langdon

Her heart skipped a few beats at the urgent tone of his letter. But she would be gone well before nine o’clock in the morning. She could not possibly meet him. Mrs. Atherton had ordered the carriage to take her away at dawn.

Perhaps she could find a way to speak with him tonight at the ball. Mrs. Atherton might be furious, but it might be worth it to dance with Nicholas Langdon one last time.

Yes, that was exactly what she would do.

Julia went and dug through her trunk until she found her best ball dress, the blue silk trimmed in silver embroidery. She pulled it out. The puff sleeves were a bit wrinkled, and the lace collar was not standing up as it should, but it would look well enough after she put it on and fluffed it a bit.

Already she could hear people laughing downstairs. Did she have the boldness to do this? To go down and join the ball as if she were just another guest? Perhaps she would not be able to speak to Mr. Langdon even if she did go to the ball. If that were the case, Julia could slip the letter—the safe one—under his door tonight, before she went to the ball. He would surely see it when he went back to his room, and if he still wished to speak with her, he could find her before she left. After all, the ball would last almost until dawn.

But she didn’t know which room belonged to him.

She quickly put on the ball gown, which took longer to do by herself, and then hurried out of her room, down the back stairs to the kitchen, and found the scullery maid, Ellie, shoving firewood into the large stove. Cook was barking orders, sending the various other servants scurrying. No one was idle; everyone looked intent and red faced as they scurried about in the heat of the basement kitchen.

How would she get Ellie’s attention?

Julia watched and waited for Ellie to come into the hall. She heard Cook order the maid to help wash some vegetables. When she finished that task, she sent Ellie to make sure the fire in the music room was burning high.

As Ellie was hurrying past her with a basket of coal, Julia followed behind. “Ellie, will you do something for me if I promise to help you with your work?”

“I’m afraid I can’t at the moment, Miss Grey.” She continued her brisk pace without even looking back. “Cook and Mrs. Farnsworth would have my head if I stopped the slightest moment tonight, what with all the company in the house and the ball tonight and all the work that has to be done. And it wouldn’t be proper for you to do my work. I’m sorry, miss, but I can’t stop for even a moment.” And she didn’t stop as she hurried into the music room, Julia on her heels.

“But all I need is to know”—Julia lowered her voice so no one else would hear—“which room belongs to Mr. Langdon.”

Ellie knelt in front of the fireplace in the music room and refilled the coal grate. “He’s in the room at the top of the stairs, second door to the left.”

“Is that the main stairs or the back stairs?”

Ellie was already hurrying out of the room and headed back toward the kitchen. “Come back after the ball starts and I’ll show you.”

“Oh, thank you, Ellie.” Julia went back up to her room to dress her hair.

When she heard the music begin to play, she crept back downstairs to look for Ellie. On her way to the kitchen, she spotted movement in a darkened alcove.

Julia stopped and plastered herself against the wall, hoping whoever was there would leave. Gradually two people came into focus, locked in an intimate embrace. A throaty, feminine laugh came to her just as the two broke apart, and Julia recognized Mrs. Tromburg and Mr. Edgerton.

Julia held her breath, hoping they wouldn’t see her. Mr. Edgerton whispered something in Mrs. Tromburg’s ear, and then they turned and walked down the corridor away from Julia.

Mr. Edgerton and Mrs. Tromburg? It hardly concerned Julia. She only had to find Ellie. At least perhaps this meant Mr. Edgerton would leave Julia alone tonight.

It took several minutes, but Julia finally found Ellie, a grim and tired expression on her face. She was holding a long, lit candle in her hand. As soon as she saw Julia, she said, “Help me light the sconces upstairs?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Come with me.”

Julia followed her up the stairs, three flights from the basement, and Ellie pointed to a door. “That’s Mr. Langdon’s room.”

“Thank you, Ellie. I am very grateful to you.”

“Here.” Ellie handed her the lit candle. “Light all the sconces on this floor and I’m much obliged to you, Miss Grey. And I will miss you when you’re gone. Yours was the kindest, prettiest face one was likely to encounter in this house.”

Julia smiled back at the young girl, who couldn’t be more than fifteen but spoke like someone much older. “Thank you, Ellie.”

Ellie was already hurrying downstairs to more work.

Julia proceeded to light the wall sconces one by one. When she finished, she walked toward her room to fetch her letter to Mr. Langdon.

She had tried to be so prudent, to conform to society’s every rule for young ladies. Now, what she was contemplating was against all the rules she’d once believed in.

Whether she was able to speak to Mr. Langdon at the ball or not, she still wanted to give him the letter. She might not be able to say what she wished to at the ball. She should deliver the letter now while no one was in the hallways.

As she entered her room, she stared down at the two letters. One of them said everything she longed to tell Mr. Langdon, the truth of her feelings and her situation. The other letter was the one polite society said she should write—if indeed she should write to Mr. Langdon at all. Which one should she give him?

Of course, the prudent Julia would give him the more formal letter. But what if she took Leorah’s advice and stopped conforming? What if she said exactly what she felt, for once? What if she followed her heart and concentrated only on obeying God’s rules, instead of society’s rules?

Julia snatched up both letters and headed back down the corridor toward Nicholas Langdon’s room. When she reached his door, she stared down at the two letters—the long one that said everything and the short one that said so little. Her hands trembled. Impulsively, she shoved the long one under his door and hurried back toward her room.

And ran right into someone.

“Miss Grey!”

“Mr. Atherton.”

He was holding her arms as she regained her balance.

“Excuse me, sir. I was on my way—”

“Julia, I have just been hoping I would find you.”

Julia stepped back, firmly pulling away from his grasp. She held back a nervous laugh.

“I must go now.” She tried to look and sound firm as she tried to step around him. He leaned to the side and prevented her.

“You do not need to go now. Stay and speak with me for a few minutes. I’ve been wanting to have a private talk with you, and Mrs. Atherton tells me you will be leaving us in the morning.” His manner was more forceful than usual, his saggy cheeks red from whatever spirits he had been drinking.

He suddenly moved in closer and ran his hand down her cheek.

Julia recoiled, stepping back. He grabbed her arm and held her fast.

“Let go of me, sir. You may not touch me.” Her voice was taut as heat rose into her face. She wrenched herself free of his grasp, but he caught hold of her other arm.

“You are just a governess,” he hissed. “How dare you defy me?”

Instinctively, Julia lifted her foot and stomped down on his, causing him to let out a tiny howl.

He loosened his grip, which was all Julia wanted, and she ran past him, up the stairs, and to her own room. She slammed the door behind her and locked it. She went and pulled on her heaviest trunk and then pushed it up to the door and sat on it.

Her hands shook like leaves in a storm, but she had escaped him. Could she risk going to the ball? What if she encountered Mr. Atherton again?

Perhaps it was best she stay in her room after all. Her heart sank. What if she never saw Nicholas Langdon again?