A Star is Born (9 page)

What was that supposed to mean?

I texted LaShonda.

Typical girl response.

I texted Bobbi.

IAGO

So, what brings you to marriage counseling? Perhaps you can begin, Miss …?

JULIET

Montague, Juliet Montague. To put it mildly, we've grown apart. I mean, really, really, REALLY apart. Romeo hasn't had a job in years, and —

ROMEO

Neither have you, baby! We get by because my family has a little money. Don't leave that part out.

JULIET

Money wouldn't make my life any better, Romeo. I am bored out of my mind! Out of my mind! All that he does is to come home at all hours in the morning, sleep until noon, and then get up in time for lunch and his stupid video games.

IAGO

But besides being bored, Juliet, I need to know your inner feelings toward your husband.

JULIET

I see this man and his potbelly in the morning, I see him in the afternoon. I watch television in the evenings BECAUSE I'M HOME BY MYSELF! And then the whole thing starts over again the next day. I can't remember the last time we went out to dinner. He acts as if he doesn't even know that I exist.

ROMEO

I'm a free spirit. You used to like that in me. You thought it was romantic when I stayed out all night. I remember the first night I climbed up on your balcony. Do you know what time it was? Two o'clock in the morning. You nearly swooned.

JULIET

You couldn't even climb up a fire escape these days. You're so out of shape you're sagging in places some people don't even have places! And he dresses like a slob. Tights? At his age?

IAGO

I'm hearing anger, but I'm not hearing communication. Have you tried sitting down and talking to each other?

ROMEO

She won't listen.

JULIET

Try me!

ROMEO

Okay, so what I'm trying to say is that I haven't changed over the years. I'm still the same happy-go-lucky guy I always was. Happy-go-lucky but ready to give my life for the girl I love.

JULIET

The girl you loved has grown into the woman who is tired of you, Romeo. Look, read my lips. I am very much exhausted with the idea of being married to a juvenile delinquent.

IAGO

Well, you know, some marriages just don't work out. I mean, I would hate to see the two of you break up. To me marriage is sacred … precious … divine … blah, blah, blah. But there must be happiness within the home. And there must be a meeting not only of the hearts, but the minds as well. Look, I'm going to leave the room and I want you both to pour out your hearts to each other. Say everything you've been holding back.

ROMEO

Look, Juliet. I don't want to be just another statistic. Last year, 14,000 people got divorced, leaving 23,000 children in broken homes!

JULIET

We don't have children.

ROMEO

We could buy a dog.

JULIET

So I can walk him and pick up his poop? That's what I'm being reduced to? A pooper-scooper?

ROMEO

Shouldn't we be talking about
our
problems, not just
yours
? You being bored is not a problem for me. I didn't even mention the fact that you're fat because —

JULIET

I'm fat? I'm fat? I thought you didn't even care about how I looked. What happened to all of that stuff about me shining like a diamond in the ear of some black dude? How about me being lovelier than the moon? Now I'm fat? You don't take me out, all I do is sit around the house all day, and the one thing I have going on (begins to cry), the one thing I have going on is a few tidbits in the afternoon.

ROMEO

Bowling! You want to go bowling?

JULIET

The romance of it overwhelms me. A bowling alley reeking with the stink of beer. I wear a pair of sweaty rented shoes over the sticky floor, throw a ball down the alley, and all of a sudden my whole life is reset?

ROMEO

No, we do it in the comfort of our own living room. I can get the video game tomorrow. We hook ourselves up and we control the whole game. You see what I mean?

JULIET

Let's call Dr. Iago back in here. Some marriages need to be broken up, and I think this is one of them.

ROMEO

So you're saying, once and for all, that you don't love me?

JULIET

Love I'm not sure about. What I am sure about is that I can't stand you!

ROMEO

Tell me, is there someone else?

JULIET

Like who?

ROMEO

I don't know, but I can't see how you can just walk away from what we had. I mean, mostly
(profiles)
, me!

JULIET

My family was right. I should have listened to them. You Montagues don't have a clue.

IAGO

So, how are we doing?

ROMEO

Uh, not so good. But we're working on it. She's learning to communicate.

JULIET

I'm learning? You are such a —

IAGO (quickly)

We have to remember that not all marriages are made in heaven. Sometimes … well, sometimes we need to consider other options. Especially when it's clear that the woman couldn't possibly love the man involved.

ROMEO

Couldn't possibly?

JULIET

That's a little strong, isn't it, Iago?

IAGO

Romeo, you have loved wisely, but far too well. For love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs that lead us all to hell.

ROMEO

I see what you mean.

JULIET

You can't be saying there's no hope for us? I mean, aren't you supposed to be saving marriages?

IAGO

Well … yeah, okay. Look. As we've agreed, I've invited some of your friends over, the ones you've already been talking to about your marriage, to ask their opinions. I'll send them in.

ROMEO

Oh, okay.

JULIET

I'm sure that … well, okay.

JULIET

Oh, great. Hamlet, the king of gloom himself.

HAMLET
(gloomily)

Hi, Julie. Hi, Rommy.

JULIET

Hamlet, it's Juliet and Romeo. Not Julie and Rommy. Do we call you Ham?

ROMEO

Yo, sit down, my man. What's up?

HAMLET

I got a new job, I'm selling condos now.

JULIET

In this market? You working on commission?

HAMLET

Yeah, kind of. I get one percent of the final sale or two percent, whichever is higher. It's pretty tricky. Math, percentages, that kind of thing.

ROMEO

Remember I told you what the marriage counselor said about asking our friends if our marriage can be saved?

HAMLET

Well, if you still think she's a fat pig and kind of stupid, then I —

JULIET

A fat pig? Kind of stupid!?

ROMEO

No, no, I didn't mean any of that. I just said it that time you locked me out. It wasn't personal.

JULIET

Not personal? When you call your wife a fat pig it's personal, Romeo friggin' Montague!

HAMLET

If you broke up you could buy two separate condos. As it turns out, I only have two left. A studio on the ground floor, apartment 1A, and a two-bedroom luxury suite on the second floor with a built-in spa. Apartment 2B, just right for whoever gets the bigger settlement.

ROMEO

So you're thinking we should actually break up? After all these years?

HAMLET

Unless you want to share the luxury suite. It's got two bedrooms, so if you still hate the way she snores you could just —

JULIET

Hate the way I snore!? You told Hamlet about what goes on in our bedroom?

ROMEO

Words, words, mere words. All I know is that heaven is here, where Juliet lives.

JULIET

O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou, Romeo? Sometimes I look at you with such delight, but sometimes you're as fickle as a candle wavering in the night.

OTHELLO

Hey! What it is! Am I late?

JULIET

Othello Jones. Oh, my God! It's been so long!

OTHELLO

When I heard you needed me I dropped everything and came running. Feast your eyes, darling. It's me, Othello Jones, the OJ man himself at your service.

ROMEO

Who is this Othello guy?

JULIET

Er, just an old friend?

ROMEO

From school?

OTHELLO

Yeah, I taught her a few things. Did her flaming youth let virtue be as wax and melt in her own fire? And were you consumed by her heat? Now you know how she learned her skills.

JULIET

Othello, did Dr. Iago tell you why we're here today?

OTHELLO

Yeah, you're looking for a reason to ditch this dude. Like you said in Las Vegas, we had something going on that he can't even touch.

HAMLET

Do you live in Vegas? You could move to New York into a great little condo.

ROMEO

Las Vegas? I thought you went to Las Vegas to that cosmetic convention with the girls — the Avon ladies or something?

JULIET

They couldn't make it.

ROMEO

All five thousand of them?

JULIET

Don't overreact.

ROMEO

I'm not overreacting, I just don't confuse the word “convention” with the word “rendezvous”!

JULIET

Romeo, when you think about it, a convention
is
a kind of rendezvous. It's just a name. I mean, a name, a
name
. What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

HAMLET

Something smells rotten here. I think the two of you should break up.

OTHELLO

But as far as you two breaking up, I'm against it. Things broken in two are not easily put together again.

HAMLET

If you're going to stay together you need the condo. It's 2B or not 2B. If you stay together, it's got to be 2B.

JULIET

So what's your vote, Hamlet? We stay together or we break up?

HAMLET

What's your credit score?

ROMEO

I'll — I'll take that as a no! We won't break up. Juliet, I love you.
(falls to one knee)
And I've always loved you!

JULIET

You're on your knees and you're begging me, but you've done that before and nothing's changed.

ROMEO

This time it'll be different, my love. This time I'm coming from a different place, from the very bottom of my heart.

JULIET

Yeah, yeah, the light is breaking through the window and I'm the sun. I've heard it all.

ROMEO

Look, I've gone more than halfway on this. I'm not the one hanging with the homeboys!

OTHELLO

I hear the echo of the green-eyed monster. It's time I excuse myself from this sorry crowd.

JULIET

Let's call Iago back and tell him what happened, but also that we want to stay together. Romeo, I do love you.