A Step from Heaven (2 page)

I do not like to be pretty. Pretty means you cannot play in your nice clothes and Uhmma grabs your hair with a wet comb until your eyes are pulled shut and then she ties it all up with a bow and says, You look very pretty. Uhmma says that sometimes I have to look pretty so everyone will see what a nice girl I can be.

Uhmma pulls my hand and I walk fast so she will not get mad and thump my head like a ripe watermelon. I watch Uhmma's shoes talk to the road.

Dok dok dok.

Shiny, nighttime-sky shoes.

Dok dok dok.

I can walk on my tiptoes too.

Dok dok curls.

Curls? Uhmma, what did you say? I ask.

Aigoo, Young Ju! I told you to listen to me closely. You are always dreaming when you should be listening. An ahjimma will curl your hair so you will look just like a real Mi Gook girl.

Curls? What are they? I ask. Show me, Uhmma.

Curls, Uhmma says. Like this. She points in the air and goes round and round. She looks in my eyes. She says, Think about the waves in the sea.

I nod.

Remember how the water rises up as if it is looking for the land and then it falls back around to join the sea when it comes close to the beach? That is a circle. Those are curls.

Uhmma, there will be curls in my hair? I ask and hold up some of my hair.

Yes. Is that not exciting? Gomo says lots of Mi Gook people have curly hair. Gomo even has curly hair now.

Uhmma, are you going to have curls? I ask.

Uhmma laughs at my question. Today she does not bite her lip and open her nose holes big as fish mouths and say, Too many questions. Enough.

Uhmma picks me up, holds me tight. I am too old to change, she says.

I play with Uhmma's long black hair. Wrap it around my fingers.

But listen now, Young Ju.

I play with Uhmma's hair and think, Someday I will have hair that is stronger than rope.

In Mi Gook, you can grow up to be anything you want.

I will have hair that can play in the wind light as a kite. And feel softer than my first-birthday silk jacket.

You, little one, are my hope.

I hold Uhmma's hair and shut my eyes tight. Pray real fast like I do at night. Please, God, heavenly Father, please do not give me curly hair.

Uhmma pinches my nose and laughs, Why is your face wrinkled up like an old halmoni?

Outside the important place that will make me pretty, Uhmma fixes the bow in my hair. She tucks my hair behind my ears. Good, she says and then opens the door. We step inside. My nose wrinkles iee! This cannot be the special place. There are ugly smells inside. Worse than Halmoni boiling clothes in soapy water. Uhmma sees my nose and gives me the squinty eye. I push my nose back down.

An ahjimma comes out from behind a curtain and greets Uhmma in a loud voice. When she bends over to bow I see her picking food out of her teeth with her tongue. Uhmma bows and then pushes me forward so I can show her my good manners. I try not to wrinkle my nose at the ahjimma when I say, Ahn-young-ha-say-yo, and give her a deep bow. The ahjimma pats my head and says I am a good girl for walking such a long way.

We are here for the curly-hair treatment, Uhmma says.

Yes. Your husband said you would be stopping in. Please sit down. I will get my equipment.

When the ahjimma goes behind the curtain, I pull Uhmma's hand. I like my straight hair, I tell her. I am too old to change. I do not want to be a Mi Gook girl. Let us go before the ahjimma comes back.

Uhmma bites her bottom lip and her nose holes open big. Young Ju, why are you talking such nonsense? Uhmma says. We are going to Mi Gook so you can have the very best education. So someday you will be better than a fisherman's wife. Uhmma holds out her hands. Look at my rough hands. Do you think I always had hands like these? Do you want to end up like this? Uhmma touches my cheek with her cat-tongue fingers and says, Your Apa thought you were too young to have such an expensive hairstyle, but I told him you were old enough now. You can understand how important it is to look like a real Mi Gook girl. Young Ju, are you a big girl who understands?

No, I cry. No curly hair.

Uhmma grabs my shoulders. What is wrong with you? Be quiet. Here comes the ahjimma.

I do not want curly hair, I say. No. No. No.

Uhmma raises her hand. Open. Flat as a paddle. Young Ju, Uhmma growls.

No, Uhmma.

Young Ju.

I hold my breath.

Uhmma keeps her hand in the air. Young Ju, are you going to be a good girl?

I swallow. Yes.

Uhmma pats her cheek the way she does when she is worried and tells the ahjimma, I am so embarrassed. Please accept my apology for my spoiled daughter.

No need to apologize, the ahjimma says. Children can be very difficult these days. Young Ju, come sit over here.

I stare at the floor and walk over to the red chair. I sit down. The ahjimma pulls out my bow. My hair falls around my face. It tickles my cheeks. I close my eyes.

Making curly hair takes a long time. The ahjimma and Uhmma talk about Mi Gook the whole time. Comb some hair. Mi Gook. Pull. Twist. Mi Gook. Pour on stinky laundry water. Mi Gook. My stomach wants to push out all the morning rice.

The ahjimma washes my hair and dries it with a towel. She pokes her fingers all over my head. There, she says. Stand up now. You can open your eyes. We are done. Your hair looks very pretty.

I stand up, but I do not open my eyes. I am afraid. My hair is tickling my ears now. Not my cheeks.

Young Ju, come here, Uhmma says.

I tell my feet to go, but they are stuck to the floor. I open my eyes and make my feet run to Uhmma's leg. I hide my face in Uhmma's dress. Smells good. Like when Apa took us to see mountain trees smaller than me. Uhmma's hands touch my hair.

Young Ju, Uhmma says, look in the mirror. Look at all your pretty curls. Uhmma holds my shoulders and turns me around.

Who is that girl? She cannot be me. Her hair is too big. It stands up big as a bush, just like the hair of the toy man with the rainbow face. Uhmma did not tell me this was curly hair. She said it would
look like the sea. But it does not. I am a Mi Gook girl with big ugly toy-man hair.

Do you like it, Young Ju? Uhmma is smiling. Happy lots of teeth smile. Happy as the letter about Mi Gook. Happy at me. Even though Uhmma tells me I should always tell the truth, and Halmoni says God will be very angry if you lie, I want Uhmma to smile happy lots of teeth at me.

Young Ju, do you like your curly hair?

I look at the floor. Yes, I lie, quiet as snow.

I do not like this bus that bounces and rolls like a boat on stormy waters. I pull on Uhmma's shirt. When will this bus get to Mi Gook? I ask.

This is not a bus, Apa answers. It is an airplane. Go to sleep and stop bothering your Uhmma. We will tell you when we are there.

I play with the bow on my new going-to-Mi-Gook dress so I do not have to look at Apa's eyes. He might get mad. I pat the skirt over my knees. Feels better than bunny rabbit fur. It is the color of the nighttime sky just before the sun goes down. Halmoni's quiet time, time for a walk and talk about olden days. Halmoni said, This dress will remind you of me. It will help you remember our walks.

I pat my dress and wish this dress were Halmoni. Thinking about Halmoni all alone in our sitting-hen house makes me want to cry louder than Ju Mi's baby sister who has no hair.

Mi Gook is only for young people to have a new start, Halmoni said. Not for old people who are used-up dry fish bones.

I do not understand why Mi Gook is only for Apa and Uhmma and me. God said everyone could go to heaven. Maybe God is a big liar. If Halmoni cannot go to Mi Gook, then I do not want to go. I want to stay at home with Halmoni.

The bus jumps one big jump.
Kunk!
God is angry I called him a liar. He knows I do not want to go to Mi Gook! I close my eyes tight and pray, Dear Father who lives in heaven. I am sorry. I do want to see all the pretty angels who wear white dresses and fly in the air. I do want to see Harabugi.

Kunk!
I open my eyes, grab Uhmma's shirt. I try to crawl into her lap. I cannot. There is thick rope holding me down.

Uhmma. Uhmma. Help, I say.

Uhmma opens one eye, then the other eye. What is wrong? she says. Why are you not sleeping?

God is angry that I do not want to go to Mi Gook without Halmoni, I say.

Shhh, that is foolish talk. God is not angry. Sleep now. I will sing you a song.

Uhmma. Can everyone go to heaven?

Yes. If they are God's people.

Is Halmoni God's people?

Halmoni is the one who first heard God's words from Pastor Shin.

Then Halmoni can go to heaven?

Yes, Young Ju. She will be there one day. Now, close your eyes. If you sleep, we will get to Mi Gook faster.

I smile. Halmoni is coming to Mi Gook! It is not just for young people. I close my eyes and Uhmma sings the mountain rabbit song. This is my song, only Halmoni was the one who would rub my back and sing it to me so I could fall asleep.

San toki. Toki ya.

Uhmma?

Young Ju, no more questions.

Please, Uhmma, one more. Do you think Halmoni is sleeping too?

Yes, she is. Do not worry about Halmoni. She can take care of herself. She will miss you, but she knows Mi Gook is best for you. It is time to sleep. Halmoni is probably waiting for you in your dreams.

Uhmma puts her arm over my shoulder. I close my eyes and try to dream. I do not want Halmoni to wait long. She is old and her back gets tired. I let Uhmma sing the song.

San toki. Toki ya. Uh dee ru ga nun yah. Ghang choung. Ghang choung dee men su. Uh dee ru ga nun yah.

I am a mountain rabbit bouncing, running. Where am I going? I am going to see Harabugi. And when Halmoni comes, I will ask her if she liked the bus that is called an airplane. In Mi Gook, everyone will be happy and filled with love. I am a mountain rabbit bouncing, running, closing my eyes. Waiting for heaven.

I am looking for Harabugi all over Gomo's house. There are so many rooms. All of the floors are covered with a warm white blanket that is soft on my feet. And the rooms do not have rice paper doors but a big piece of wood like the stores in the village. Everyone in heaven must be very rich to have so many blankets and wooden doors inside the house.

Young Ju, where are you? Uhmma calls. I try to find her voice, but I am lost. When I open a door, there is only another room. Sometimes small. Sometimes big. This room has a funny seat with pink fur on it. Soft. I wonder what kind of animal in Mi Gook has pink fur.

I sit on the fur seat. There is a fat ball of snowy paper stuck on the wall. When I pull on the end, it rolls out like a long tail of smoke.

Young Ju, what are you doing? Everyone is waiting for you in the big room, Uhmma says from the doorway.

I jump off the seat and run to Uhmma. She picks me up and carries me away.

In the big room, Apa is sitting next to Sahmchun, who is a Mi Gook person with big round money eyes like in the picture of God. Only his money eyes are not dark as night. They are daytime, sun-is-shining, sky-color eyes. His hair is wavy brown seaweed. He says to call him Uhing Kel Thim. That is Mi Gook talk for Sahmchun, but my mouth does not want to make those words. He says it is fine to call him Sahmchun until my mouth is ready to learn.

He is sitting and talking with Apa and Gomo. He makes our words with a big floppy tongue.

Here she is, Uhmma says and bounces me in her arms.

Give her to me. I will hold her, Sahmchun says.

Uhmma puts me down on Sahmchun's lap. I want to touch Sahmchun's sky eyes. But that is not nice. Poor Sahmchun. He will think I am making fun of his eyes like when I got curly hair and Ju Mi was laughing, laughing so much she could not talk.

Do you like the house, Young Ju? Sahmchun asks.

It is very big and nice. But I did not find Harabugi. Where is he? I ask.

Sahmchun's eyebrows wrinkle together. Harabugi? He asks, Why does Harabugi live here?

Everyone at the table is looking at me.

Young Ju, that is a stupid question, Apa says. Harabugi is in heaven.

This is heaven, I say. Mi Gook is heaven. Where is Harabugi?

Now they are all shaking their heads. Apa gives me hard rock eyes. Sahmchun rubs his chin.

Young Ju, Sahmchun says. Mi Gook is not heaven. Harabugi is with God.

We are not in the sky with God?

He shakes his head.

I ask, Then how do you have all the blankets on the floor and big wooden doors? Everyone in heaven is rich and happy.

Sahmchun shakes his head again. He says, Mi Gook is very nice. But it is not heaven.

My eyes turn down. My lips turn down. Sahmchun watches my
face. He bounces me on his knees and holds up one finger. Wait, he says. Mi Gook is almost as good as heaven. Let us say it is a step from heaven.

I do not like his words. A step from heaven? I crawl off his lap and stand up straight. I say loud in my best voice, If this is not heaven, I want to go home. Halmoni is waiting for me.

Young Ju, Apa says. Sit down. I do not want to hear any more nonsense from you. Apa stands up and grabs the back of my dress. He pulls me to a chair next to him and makes me sit.

I will not cry. No. I hold my breath.

Uhmma is making a sound that is not her squeaky-shoes laugh. More like dragging a stick on the ground. Uhmma pats her cheek and says, Young Ju has such an imagination. She is always dreaming when she should be listening.

Gomo rubs my back. She says, What a funny girl you are, Young Ju. Where did you get the idea that Mi Gook was heaven? Halmoni must have filled your head with too many stories. Well, you are here now and you can become a Mi Gook girl. Here, try this drink. Everyone in Mi Gook loves Ko-ka Ko-la. They drink it like water. You will love it too.

Gomo gives me a cup with dirty black water inside. I can see bubbles floating. Maybe this is a drink from the sea. I sniff the cup like Mi Shi.

Just drink it, Young Ju, Apa growls.