A Stranger in the Mirror (12 page)

From that time on, Toby was on the road constantly. It was his only escape from his prison. He played nightclubs and theaters and auditoriums, and when those bookings ran out, he badgered Clifton Lawrence to book him into colleges. Anywhere, to get away from Millie. The opportunities to go to bed with eager, attractive women were limitless. It was the same in every town. They waited in Toby's dressing room before and after the show and waylaid him in his hotel lobby. Toby went to bed with none of them. He thought of the man's penis being hacked off and set on fire and Al Caruso

112

saying to Toby, You're really hung... I wouldn't hurt you. You're my friend. As long as you're good to Millie ... And Toby turned all the women away. "I'm in love with my wife," he would say shyly. And they believed him and admired him for it, and the word spread, as Toby meant it to spread: Toby Temple did not fool around; he was a real family man. But the lovely, nubile young girls kept coming after him, and the more Toby refused, the more they wanted him. And Toby was so hungry for a woman that he was in constant physical pain. His groin ached so much that sometimes it was difficult for him to work. He started to masturbate again. Each time he did, he thought of all the beautiful girls waiting to go to bed with him, and he cursed and raged against fate. Because Toby could not have it, sex was on his mind all the time. Whenever he returned home after a tour, Millie was waiting for him, eager and loving and ready. And the moment Toby saw her, all his sexual desire drained away. She was the enemy, and Toby despised her for what she was doing to him. He forced himself to go to bed with her, but it was Al Caruso he was satisfying. Whenever Toby took Millie, it was with a savage brutality that forced gasps of pain from her. He pretended that he thought they were sounds of pleasure, and he pounded into her harder and harder, undl finally he came in an explosion of fury that poured his venomous semen into her. He was not making love. He was making hate.

In June, 1950, the North Koreans moved across the 38th Parallel and attacked the South Koreans, and President Truman ordered United States troops in. No matter what the rest of the world thought about it, to Toby the Korean War was the best thing that ever happened. In early December, there was an announcement in Daily Variety that Bob Hope was getting ready to make a Christmas tour to entertain the troops in Seoul. Thirty seconds after he "What for? You're almost thirty years old. Believe me, dear boy, those tours are no fun. I --" "I don't give a damn whether they're fun or not," Toby shouted into the phone. "Those soldiers are out there risking their lives. The least I can do is give them a few laughs." It was a side of Toby Temple that Clifton had not seen before. He was touched and pleased. "Okay. If you feel that strongly about it, I'll see what I can do," Clifton promised. An hour later he called Toby back. "I talked to Bob. He'd be happy to have you. But if you should change your mind --" "No chance," Toby said, hanging up. Clifton Lawrence sat there a long rime, thinking about Toby. He was very proud of him. Toby was a wonderful human being, and Clifton Lawrence was delighted to be his agent, delighted to be the man helping to shape his growing career.

Toby played Taegu and Pusan and Chonju, and he found solace in the laughter of the soldiers. Millie faded into the background of his mind. Then Christmas was over. Instead of returning home, Toby went to Guam. The boys there loved him. He went to Tokyo and entertained the wounded in the army hospital. But finally, it was time to return home.

In April, when Toby came back from a ten-week tour in the Midwest, Millie was waiting at the airport for him. Her first words were, "Darling -- I'm going to have a baby! " He stared at her, stunned. She mistook his expression for happiness. "Isn't it wonderful?" she exclaimed. "Now, .when you're away, I'll have the baby to keep me company. I hope it's a boy so that you can take him to baseball games and ..." Toby did not hear the rest of the stupidities she was mouthing. It was as though her words were being filtered from far away. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Toby had believed that someday, somehow, there would be an escape

114

for him. They had been married two years, and it seemed like an eternity. Now this. Millie would never let him go. ; Never.

i The baby was due around Christmas time. Toby had i made arrangements to go to Guam with a troupe of enter[tainers, but he had no idea whether Al Caruso would approve ;of his being away while Millie was having the baby. There was ''only one way to find out. Toby called Las Vegas. ' Caruso's cheerful, familiar voice came on the line immediately and said, "Hi, kid. Good to hear your voice." "It's good to hear yours, Al." "I hear you're gonna be a father. You must be real ; excited." "Excited isn't the word for it," Toby said truthfully. He let his voice take on a note of careful concern. "Th".' '& ;the reason I'm calling you, Al. The baby's going to be born around Christmas, and--" He had to be very careful. "I don't know what to do. I want to be here with Millie when the ;tdd's born, but they asked me to go back to Korea and Guam 'to entertain the troops." There was a long pause. "That's a tough spot." "I don't want to let our boys down, but I don't want to kt Millie down, either." 1 "Yeah." There was another pause. Then, "I'll tell you 'what I think, kid. We're all good Americans, right? Those kids are out there fighting for us, right?" Toby felt his body suddenly relax. "Sure. But I hate to--" - "Millie'11 be okay," Caruso said. "Women have been jhavin' babies a hell of a long time. You go to Korea."

| Six weeks later, on Christmas Eve, as Toby walked off |a stage to thunderous applause at the army post in Pusan, he |was handed a cable, informing him that Millie had died while Igiving birth to a stillborn son.

"Marco! " she called out. There was a chorus of "Po!o!" Josephine made a dive for the nearest voice. She felt around in the water. There was no one there. "Marco!" she called. Again, a chorus of "Polo!" She made a blind grab but reached only thin air. It did not matter to Josephine that they were faster than she; she wanted this game to go on forever, as she wanted this day to last until eternity. She stood still, straining to hear a splash, a giggle, a whisper. She moved around in the pool, eyes closed, hands outstretched, and reached the steps. She took a step up to quiet the sound of her own movements. "Marco! " she called out. Ar.J there was no answer. She stood there, still. "Marco!" Sil'nce. It was as though she were in a warm, wet deserted v.-orld, nione. They were playing a trick on her. They had decided that no one would answer her. Josephine smiled and opened her eyes. She was alone on the pool steps. Something made her look down. The bottom of her white bathing suit was stained with red, and there was a thin trickle of blood coming from between her thighs. The children were all standing on the sides of the pool, staring at her. Josephine looked up at them, stricken. "I -- " She stopped, not knowing what to say. She quickly moved down the steps into the water, to cover her shame. "We don't do that in the swimming pool," Mary Lou said. "Polacks do," someone giggled. "Hey, let's go take a shower." "Yeah. I feel icky." "Who wants to swim in than" Josephine closed her eyes again and heard them all moving toward the poolhouse, leaving her. She stayed there, keeping her eyes squeezed closed, pressing her legs together to try to stop the shameful flow. She had never had her period before. It had been totally unexpected. They would all come

118

,back m a moment and tell her that they had only been teasing, that they were still her friends, that the happiness would lever stop. They would return and explain that it was all a rame. Perhaps they were back already ready to play. Eyes ightly shut, she whispered, "Marco", and the echo died on fae afternoon air. She had no idea how long she stood there n the water with her eyes closed. We don't do that in the swimming pool. Polacks do. Her head had begun pounding violently. She felt Inauseous, and her stomach was suddenly cramping. But Ijosephine knew that she must keep standing there with her fycs tightly shut. Just until they returned and told her it was j? Joke. ^ She heard footsteps -and a rustling sound above her and |she suddenly knew that everything was all right. They had , jcome back. She opened her eyes and looked up. David, Mary Lou's older brother, was standing at the ;|iide of the pool, a terrycloth robe in his hands. ?' "I apologize for all of them," he said, his voice tight. lie fasld out the robe. "Here. Come out and put this on." ^ But Josephine closed her eyes and stayed there, rigid. She wanted to die as quickly as possible. It was one of Sam Winters's good days. The rushes on the Tessie Brand picture were wonderful. Part of the reason, of course, was that Tessie was breaking her neck to vindicate her behavior. But whatever the reason, Barbara Carter was going to emerge as the hottest new producer of the year. It was going to be a terrific year for costume designers. The television shows produced by Pan-Padfic were doing well, and "My Man Friday" was the biggest of them all. The network was talking to Sam about a new five-year contract for the series. Sam was preparing to leave for lunch when Lucille hurried in and said, "They just caught someone setting a fire in the prop department. They're bringing him over here now."

' The man sat in a chair facing Sam in silence, two studio guards standing behind him. His eyes were bright with malice. Sam had still not gotten over his shock. "Why?" he asked. "For God's sake -- why?" "Because I didn't want your fucking charity," Dallas Burke said. "I hate you and this studio and the whole rotten business. I built this business, you son of a bitch. I paid for half the studios in this lousy town. Everybody got rich off me. Why didn't you give me a picture to direct instead of trying to pay me off by pretending to buy a bunch of fucking stolen fairy tales? You would have bought the phone book from me, Sam. I didn't want any favors from you -- I wanted )b. You're making me die a failure, you prick, and I'll er forgive you for that." Long after they had taken Dallas Burke away, Sam. sat �e thinking about him, remembering the great things las bad done, the wonderful movies he had made. In any ar business, he would have been a hero, the chairman of board or would have been retired with a nice, fat pension Story. But this was the wonderful world of show business. i6

In the early 1950s, Toby Temple's success was growing. He played the top nightclubs -- the Chez Paree in Chicago, the Latin Casino in Philadelphia, the Copacabana in New York. He played benefits and children's hospitals and charity affairs -- he would play for anybody, anywhere, at any time. The audience was his lifeblpod. He needed the applause and the love. He was totally absorbed in show business. Major events were occurring around the world, but to Toby they were merely grist for his act. In 1951, when General MacArthur was fired and said, "Old soldiers don't die--they just fade away," Toby said, "Jesus -- we must use the same laundry." In 1952, when the hydrogen bomb was dropped, Toby's response was, "That's nothing. You should have caught my opening in Atlanta." When Nixon made his "Checkers" speech, Toby said, "I'd vote for him in a minute. Not Nixon -- Checkers." Ike was President and Stalin died and young America was wearing Davy Crockett hats and there was a bus boycott in Montgomery. ' And everything was material for Toby's act. When he delivered his zingers with that wide-eyed look of baffled innocence, the audiences screamed. Toby's whole life consisted of punch lines. "... so he said, 'Wait a minute; I'll get my hat and go with you ...' " and ".. . to tell the truth, it looked so good I ate it myself! " and "... it's a candystore, but they'll call me ..." and

122

would have been a Shamus .. ." and "... now I've you and there's no ship.. ." and "Just my luck. I get the : that eats ..." and on and on, with the audiences laughing | itil they cried. His audiences loved him, and he fed on their j re and battened ,on it and climbed ever higher. But there was a deep, wild restlessness in Toby. He was | jtlways looking for something more. He could never enjoy J ttimself because he was afraid he might be missing a better j jparty somewhere, or playing to a better audience, or kissing i^. prettier girl. He changed girls as frequently as he changed |his shirts. After the experience with Millie, he was afraid to Ibecome deeply involved with anyone. He remembered when j 'he had played the Toilet Circuit and envied the comics with I the big limousines and the beautiful women. He had made E^it, and he was as lonely now as he had been then. Who was |it who had said, "When you get there, there is no there ..."? ( He was dedicated to becoming Number One and he |aknew he would make it. His one regret was that his mother I; would not be there to watch her prediction come true. The only reminder left of her was his father.

The nursing home in Detroit was an ugly brick building from another century. Its walls held the sweet stench of old age and sickness and death. Toby Temple's father had suffered a stroke and was almost a vegetable now, a man with listless, apathetic eyes .and a mind that cared for nothing except Toby's visits. Toby .stood in the dingy green-carpeted hall of the home that now held his father. The nurses and inmates crowded adoringly around him. "I saw you on the Harold Hobson show last week, Toby. I thought you were just marvelous. How do you think of all those clever things to say?" "My writers think of them," Toby said, and they laughed at his modesty. A male nurse was coming down the corridor, wheeling Toby's father. He was freshly shaved and had his hair slicked down. He had let them dress him in a suit in honor of his son's visit. "Hey, it's Beau Brummel!" Toby called, and everyone turned to look at Mr. Temple with envy, wishing that they had a wonderful, famous son like Toby to come and visit them. Toby walked over to his father, leaned down and gave him a hug. "Who you trying to kid?" Toby asked. He pointed to the male nurse. "You should be wheeling him around, Pop." Everyone laughed, filing the quip away in their minds so that they could tell their friends what they had heard Toby Temple say. / was with Toby Temple the other day and he said.. .1 was standing as close as I am to you, and I heard him... He stood around entertaining them, insulting them gently, and they loved it. He kidded them about Aeir sex lives and their health and their children, and for a little while they were able to laugh at their own problems. Finally, Toby said ruefully, "I hate to leave you, you're the best-looking audience I've had in years" -- they would remember that, too -- "but I have to spend a little time alone with Pop. He promised to give me some new jokes." They smiled and laughed and adored him.