A Voice in the Wind (45 page)

Julia listened, the confidence and cadence of Calabah’s words giving her hope. “I know you’re right.” She sighed and looked away, pensive and shaken. “Abortion is the only answer.” She clenched her hands. “Is it difficult to find someone who can do it?”

“Not at all. It’s a common practice. I know at least half a dozen physicians who perform it daily.”

“But will it be painful?”

“There will be some discomfort, but not a great deal and not for long. It’ll be all over in a few hours, and you’ll have your life back again, just the way you want it to be.” She came to Julia and sat beside her, placing her hand over hers. “When do you wish to have it done?”

Julia glanced up, pale. “Maybe in a week or two.”

“Very well,” Calabah said with a soft sigh, taking her hand away. “But you must understand, Julia. The longer you wait, the more risk you take.”

Fear swept through Julia. “Then I should have it done now?”

“It would be wise to have it done as soon as possible. Tomorrow morning, if it can be arranged.”

“Where must I go?”

“Nowhere. I know a physician who is very discreet and will come to you.”

Calabah stood, and Julia clutched her hand even tighter, looking up at her with huge, frightened eyes. “Will you stay with me until it’s over?”

Calabah touched her cheek tenderly. “I’ll do whatever you want, Julia.”

“I want you with me. I’ll feel better about this if you are.”

Calabah bent and kissed her lightly on the lips. “I won’t betray you like the others. I’m not your father or Caius.” She straightened and smiled down at her. “You’ve made a wise decision. After the abortion is over, you can forget it ever happened and start over. I’ll teach you what you need to do to keep from getting pregnant again.”

Julia watched her walk from the room. As soon as she was alone, she buried her face in her hands and wept.

Hadassah knew she was to leave Julia alone when she had guests. She found other things to do while she waited to be summoned. Today, she worked in the garden alongside Sergius, a slave from Brittania. When Julia came out, Sergius found work far up the path and well away from her, safely out of reach of her swift temper.

Dismayed, Hadassah saw Julia had been crying again. Ever since Octavia had visited, her mistress had been agitated and emotional, given to bouts of tears and rage. Apparently Calabah’s visit hadn’t improved matters. Julia sat in the sunshine and complained she was cold. Hadassah fetched her shawl, but saw she was still shivering. “Are you feeling all right, my lady? Is it the baby?”

Julia stiffened. The
baby
. It wasn’t a baby yet. Calabah had said so. Calabah knew. “Sing to me,” she ordered tersely, nodding to the small harp beside her. It had a leather strap, so Hadassah could carry it with her at all times, only setting it aside as she worked or slept. Julia watched Hadassah pick it up and begin strumming it gently. A soft melody soothed her frayed nerves.

Hadassah sang, but noticed Julia scarcely listened. She was distracted, distraught. Hadassah watched her hands pleat the wool of her palus and then clench into white-knuckled fists. Removing the small harp, she went to her. She knelt and took her hands. “What distresses you so?”

“This… this pregnancy.”

“Are you afraid? Please don’t be, my lady,” she said. “It’s the most natural thing in the world. The Lord has smiled on you. Having a child is the greatest blessing God can give a woman.”

“A blessing?” Julia said bitterly.

“You’re nurturing new life …”

Julia pulled her hands away. “What do you know about it?” She stood and moved away from her. Pressing her fingers against her temples, she tried to regain control of her turbulent emotions. It was time she stopped reacting like a child to everything. Calabah was right. She must take control of her life.

She looked back at Hadassah, still kneeling beside the marble bench, her brown eyes full of compassion and concern. Julia pressed her hand against her heart and felt an unspeakable regret. Hadassah loved her. It was why she needed her so much. It was why she had taken her back from her mother and father. Her mouth curved bitterly. How pitifully ironic that it had to be a slave who loved her unconditionally. It should be her parents. It should be Caius.

“You can’t understand what I’m going through, Hadassah. You don’t know what it’s like being sick, feeling tired all the time, having your husband discard you. What can you know about loving a man the way I love Caius?”

Hadassah stood slowly. She searched her face, wondering at the desperation she saw. “You carry his child.”

“A child he doesn’t want, a child that’s driven us apart. Don’t talk to me of this being a blessing from the gods,” Julia said angrily.

“Give yourself time, my lady.” Why couldn’t Julia have the eyes to see and ears to hear the Lord and realize she was blessed?

“Time won’t change anything,” Julia said. “Other than to make matters more difficult.“ Calabah was right. She must take control. She must make things right again. But she was afraid of the decision she had made. Doubt attacked her. Just because it was a common practice, did that make it right? If it was right, why was she assailed by doubt?

Was there such a thing as right and wrong? Didn’t it all depend on circumstances? Wasn’t happiness the primary thing to achieve in life?

She wanted Hadassah to understand what she was going through. She wanted her to say everything would be fine, that her decision to have an abortion was rational. She wanted her to say that what she was about to do was the only thing she could do to make things as they used to be between her and Caius. But when she looked into her little Jewess’s eyes, she couldn’t utter a word. She couldn’t tell her anything. What Calabah saw as only a symbol, she knew Hadassah saw as a life. “

What did it matter what a slave thought? She knew nothing. She was nothing. She was a slave, dispossessed by her own unseen god.

“You say it’s a blessing because someone told you it was a blessing,” Julia said, in angry defense. “You’re just repeating what you’ve heard. Everything you sing, everything you say is just a repeat of someone else’s words and thoughts. Isn’t that what you always did with Claudius? Recite your Scriptures, tell him your stories? You haven’t a thought of your own. How could you understand what I have to endure, the choices I have to make?”

Speaking harshly to Hadassah gave her no relief. In fact, she felt worse. “I’m tired. I’m going inside to rest.”

“I’ll bring you some mulled wine, my lady.”

Hadassah’s gentleness was salt on a raw wound, and Julia reacted in blind pain. “Don’t bring me anything. Don’t come anywhere near me. Just leave me alone!”

Caius came home late in the afternoon. He was in a rage and Julia knew he had lost at the races again. Her resentment grew until she couldn’t resist taunting him a little. “Your luck always held when I accompanied you,” she said.

Caius turned slightly and looked at her with fierce, dark eyes. “A good thing you were rich, my dear, or I never would’ve given you a second look.”

His cruel words were like a physical blow. She could hardly breathe past the constriction of pain at his words. Was it true? It couldn’t be. He was drunk. That’s why he spoke so cruelly. He was always cruel when he was drunk. She wanted to lash back, to draw his blood, but could think of nothing strong enough to accomplish it. He smiled at her, a cold, mocking smile that lacerated her. He was impenetrable and knew it.

Pouring himself a full goblet of wine, Caius drank it straight down. His temper erupted and he heaved the empty silver goblet across the room. It clattered against a mural of frolicking maidens and satyrs and made Julia flinch. “You better hope my luck at the races improves,” he said cryptically and left her.

Calabah came early the next morning. Accompanying her was a small Roman woman in a pristine white toga trimmed with gold. A male slave accompanied her and held an ominous carved box beneath his arm.

“You needn’t look so frightened, Julia,” Calabah said, putting an arm around her. “Asellina is very good at this. She’s done it many, many times before.” She guided her along the marble-tiled hallway to her chambers. “Hec reputation is impeccable and she’s highly respected among her peers. She wrote about abortion techniques for the medical community last year, and her work on the subject is widely circulated. You don’t have to worry about a thing.”

Asellina ordered one of Caius’ slaves to replenish the brazier and keep it well-stoked so the room would be warm. Her slave set the carved box down. She opened it and removed an amphora. Pouring some of the contents into a goblet, she added wine and brought it to Julia. “Drink this.”

The sweet wine had an aftertaste as bitter as gall.

“All of it,” Asellina said, pressing the goblet back to her again. “Every drop.” She stood watching and then took the empty goblet from Julia’s shaking hands and gave it to her slave. “Remove your clothing and lie back.”

A wave of panic gripped Julia. Calabah came to her and helped her. “It will be all right,” she whispered, assisting her. “Trust me. Try to relax. It’ll make it easier.”

Asellina examined her carefully, inserting something inside her and leaving it. She straightened and washed her hands in a bowl of water her slave held for her. “She is further along than you said.”

“She wasn’t sure,” Calabah told her softly.

Asellina took a towel and came to stand over Julia. She smiled down at her. Handing the towel to her slave, she placed her hand on Julia’s brow. “You’ll feel cramping soon, my dear. The discomfort lasts until your body expels the mass of tissue. A few hours, nothing more.” She moved back slightly and glanced briefly at Calabah. “A moment of your time…”

They spoke in hushed voices near the door. Calabah sounded angry. “Your fee has increased,” Julia heard her say.

“My skill is in greater demand, and you insisted it be done swiftly. I had to reschedule to come here.”

Calabah came back and bent down to Julia. “I’m sorry, Julia, but I must ask. Have you any money on hand?”

“No. Caius manages everything.”

“You must change that,” Calabah said, annoyed. “Well, there’s nothing to be done about it now. I’ll have to give her your pearls until we can get cash.”

“My pearls?” Julia said.

“Only until I can speak to Caius and get from him what’s due Asellina for her services. Don’t look at me like that. You needn’t worry whether you’ll get your pearls back. You’ll have them by tomorrow afternoon. I promise. Where are they?”

Asellina left the villa with the pearls in her possession.

Julia’s contractions began an hour later, and when they did, they came strong and fast, one rolling into another. She writhed in pain, and her body was soon drenched in sweat. “You said it wouldn’t hurt,” she moaned, digging her fingers into the covers and twisting them.

“You’re fighting it, Julia. You must relax and it won’t hurt as much. Stop bearing down. It’s too soon.”

Julia heaved with sobs as the contraction ended. “I want my mother.” She rolled her head back and forth on the pillows, groaning again as another came. “Hadassah. Get me Hadassah.”

Hadassah came immediately upon the summons. As soon as she entered Julia’s chambers, she knew something was terribly wrong. “Your maid’s here, Julia. Now, try to calm yourself,” Calabah said.

“My lady,” Hadassah said, bending over her, frightened. “Is it the baby?”

“Hush, you fool,” Calabah hissed, her eyes black as she pushed her aside. “Bring a basin of warm water and a cloth.” She bent to Julia again, her tone soothing and sweet again. She placed her hand on her white abdomen and smiled. “It’s almost over, Julia. Only a little while longer.”

“Oh, Juno, be merciful …” Julia moaned through gritted teeth, her shoulders rising from the bed as she bore down.

“Shall I send for a physician?” Hadassah said, sloshing water into the basin.

“She’s had a physician,” Calabah said.

Julia groaned as another pain gripped her. “I wouldn’t have done it if I’d known it’d be like this. Oh,
Juno
, mercy, mercy…”

“Do you think carrying a child full term and having it is easier? Better to get rid of it now.”

The blood drained from Hadassah’s face. She uttered a soft cry, the basin slipping from her hands and shattering on the floor. Calabah glanced at her sharply and Hadassah stared back at her in horror.

The older woman stood and came to her swiftly, slapping her across the face. “Don’t stand there while she suffers. Do as you’re told. Give me that other basin over there and go get warm water.”

Hadassah eagerly fled the room. She pressed herself against the cold marble wall outside the room and covered her face. She heard Julia scream behind the closed door and was galvanized by the sound of her agony. Hadassah ran and filled a big jug with warm water from the bath spout and returned.

“It’s all over, Julia,” Calabah was saying when Hadassah entered. “You were further along than you thought. That’s why it was so difficult. Shhh, no more weeping now. It’s done. You’ll never have to suffer like that again.”

She saw Hadassah standing in the doorway. “Don’t stand there, girl. Bring the water here. Put the jug down by the bed. Take what’s on the floor and dispose of it.”

Unable to look at Julia, Hadassah knelt and carefully took up the small bloody bundle from the floor. She rose and left the room silently. Calabah followed her to the door, closing it firmly behind her.

Hadassah stood outside in the hallway.
Dispose of it
. Her throat closed as she pressed the tiny bundle against her heart. “Oh, God…” she whispered brokenly. Blinded by tears, she stumbled out into the garden.

She knew the pathways well and followed one to the flowering plum tree. Sinking down, she held the bundle cradled against her and rocked back and forth, weeping. She dug a hole with her bare hands in the soft soil and placed the discarded child in it. She covered it and patted the earth down gently. “May the Lord raise you up in heaven to sing with angels …” She didn’t go back to the house.

Marcus stopped by Julia’s villa for a visit. The hush in the house was tense, and when he was taken to Julia’s chamber, he found her still in bed. She smiled, but there was no gaiety in it. Her eyes were dull with unhappiness. “What’s the matter, little sister?” he said and crossed the room. Perhaps she had heard rumors about Caius’ infidelities or heard about his most recent losses at the races. She was pale and seemed depressed. “Are you ill?” A maid stood near her bed, waiting to serve her, but it wasn’t Hadassah.