A White Room (37 page)

“You didn’t even give it a chance.” His voice grew louder. “You were here for a few months before you decided to give up.”

“I tried.” My effort to hold back tears caused a pain at the back of my throat. “You have no idea how hard I tried.”

“You needed to give it more time.”

“I needed my brother.”

He tilted his head wryly. “And here I am.”

I shook my head and rolled my eyes.

“So what do you want to do?”

“I have to go.” And I stomped away.

If Lottie was home, she’d instructed her children to lie about her whereabouts. Lucy wouldn’t let me near the door. Lottie wasn’t in the fields either. I couldn’t even find her husband. I didn’t understand what had happened, why she had gotten angry with me. She called me a big toad as if I had treated her like I was above her, but I hadn’t acted that way since that day in the woods. I returned to the house frustrated with Lottie and angry with James. I stayed in my chamber all day until it was time to cook.

John worked late, so when we sat down for dinner, it was the first time the four of us had been together since the dinner party. The silence at the table screamed. John was angry with me, and I was angry with James. Carmine must have felt awkward, being the only one without a person to be cross with. I planned to spend the entire evening in silence, but for some reason this was the night John refused to shut his trap.

“You said your father is a politician?” he asked Carmine. “That must allow for some lively social events.”

“Not usually.”

“Are you interested in politics?”

“I was educated in home arts.”

“Oh? What did you favor?” I could tell John was struggling, but I wasn’t about to help.

“I do watercolor, love floral arrangements.”

I rolled my eyes and they landed on James, who was glaring at me.

“Did you attend college?” John continued.

“No need. James and I were introduced prior.”

“Your parents introduced us, actually,” James said and shot me a smug look. “Your family has been so good to us.”

I ignored him.

James took a drink of his water and cleared his throat. “Why do you keep the doors closed around here all the time?”

I shifted my eyes to him.

John finished chewing. “It’s a little system I came up with so we always know where everyone is. If the door is open, someone is inside.”

“Ingenious,” James said, raising his eyebrows. “It’s awful dark, though.”

“Hmm, yes, Emeline doesn’t like it much either.”

“Emma loves nature. With the doors closed, it feels a bit like the world is shut out.”

I lifted my eyes from my plate.

“But only when in the hallway,” John said.

“True. But she probably spends a lot of time in the hallway.”

“Pardon?” John chuckled.

“She cleans all the rooms and travels back and forth to the kitchen all day.”

John tilted his head in thought.

“She’s having to be in and out of that dark hall back and forth, always having to open and shut doors, light lamps. I imagine it’s more than an inconvenience.”

John considered me.

I didn’t do anything as brash as nod, but I looked back.

“How is it you thought of all this?” he asked.

“All of what?” James popped a piece of bread in his mouth.

“What women do? It’s a mystery to me.”

James glanced at me, finished chewing. “Emma showed me the secrets of her world. She always made the ordinary quite magical.”

Carmine watched him, clearly smitten.

John changed the subject. “What type of law are you interested in?”

“I’m not sure,” James said. “Right now I’m learning about fiscal law.”

“I would think you’d want to follow in your father’s footsteps—criminal defense.”

“I thought so, too, but I’m exploring right now. I imagine that is why you decided to work for Mr. Coddington. You probably plan to work with your father eventually.”

John rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m not sure.”

“Oh?”

“My father expects a certain quality in an attorney that I do not seem to possess.”

James cut his roast, left over from the previous night.

“He couldn’t teach me, so he sent me away—here.”

“You didn’t want to come here?”

“Not at all.”

I took a bite of squash. I had never thought that John might have been here against his will, too.

“What quality did he want you to learn?”

“He implied it to be…indifference.”

Inside, I scoffed. Wasn’t that John’s specialty?

“Actually, at one time I had hoped to mentor under your father. I sat in on a few of his cases. He was ingenious, caring—nothing like the way my father practices.” John’s eyes were down, a little smirk forming. “There was this one case…” John observed our wide eyes. “I’m sorry. Is it too soon?”

I shook my head with a jolt. “No.”

He shifted his eyes to me, the corner of his mouth pulling upward. “Your father took on cases for good reasons, not because he knew he could win. The case that really impressed me involved a man who was in fact guilty. A driver—he stole from his employer—no question. Your father, though—he proved the man only stole to rescue the employer’s son, who had gambled himself into debt with some disreputable characters.”

“He still stole,” James said. “How did Father get around that?”

“Ah, the worker was literate.” John lifted a finger. “Your father tracked down a letter of hire from his employer stating that, as his driver, his number one duty was to ensure the well-being of his family while in his care, no matter what.”

Carmine applauded. “Extraordinary.”

“He took risks to help others.” John lifted his glass to his lips. “He knew some sins deserve forgiveness.”

I stared at John unblinking and then glanced at James, who smirked at me.

I woke up late and dressed. John had risen early and gone to the office. I stepped out of my chamber and blinked. Light flooded the hall. All the doors were open. I stood there baffled for a few moments. Finally, I pried myself out of my stance and ambled down the hall and downstairs in awe. All the doors were open on the bottom floor as well. I went to the open parlor and saw James reading the newspaper. The parlor even seemed brighter than usual, light haloing James in the chair. The furniture appeared normal, unthreatening. Nothing moved behind his back or teased me out of the corner of my eye. It was just furniture, bric-a-brac, and James.

I flopped into a chair across from him.

“Good morning.” He lowered the paper onto his lap. “It’s a wonderful bright day, isn’t it?”

“Thank you.”

“You’re not angry anymore?”

“How could I be? You’re such a little snake.”

He pinched his lips together, clearly pleased with himself.

“I’m still mad about the wedding.” I crossed my arms, a little teasing but still serious.

“Emma,…we rushed the date to have an excuse to come here.”

“What?”

“At first, I thought I could just check on you at our wedding, but when you didn’t answer my letters, I feared John wouldn’t let you come. You made him sound so horrible.”

“Carmine didn’t mind?”

“Not when I explained the situation. She’s been a little displeased to learn you weren’t in the desperate situation I described.”

“Why didn’t you believe me the first time?”

“It was such a drastic decision. I thought you overreacted.”

“Why?”

“It wouldn’t have been the first time.”

“What are you talking about?”

“College.”

I shook my head without a clue as to what he meant.

“You called Father at his office begging to let you come home. You swore up and down the place was a prison and not worth any education. You even said the teachers were idiots and couldn’t teach you where the back of your head was.”

I recalled the sobbing conversation. “Oh.”

“When I didn’t hear back from you, I assumed the worst. I feared you were unable to write, so I just panicked.”

“Oh, James.” I shook my head. “I feel awful.”

“What is it about him? He seems nice to me.”

“I don’t know if you can understand what it’s like to be married to someone who doesn’t hold the least bit of affection for you.” I clasped my hands and kept my eyes down. “When I wrote you, it felt like I had no reason to be here. There was nothing to look forward to, nothing to enjoy, nothing to live for. It’s different for you. You have a profession, a purpose. My life had no meaning.”

“What about John?”

“He’s not mean. He just…” I shook my head. “There’s nothing there.”

“You’re sure about that?”

I thought about it. “I’m not sure.”

“How can you not be sure?” He leaned forward and the newspaper crinkled in his hands.

“Sometimes I think he is trying, but then something happens and I don’t know.”

“What about the doors?”

“You did that.”

“I only talked about it at dinner.”

“What?”

“He opened the doors this morning.”

I imagined John waking up and deciding to do it, slipping out of bed, and moving through the house opening every single door.

“Seems like he’s trying something.”

The anger I held for John softened. A part of me wished we did love each other as I had thought we would. I lifted my eyes to James.

He was smiling.

I shook my head and disregarded the ridiculous notions of love. “I just don’t know.”

“Well then, my dear sister, what would you like to do?”

I shrugged.

“We’re to leave soon. Should we prepare to take you with us?”

I ran a finger over the pearls on my wedding ring.

“Are you afraid of him?”

I kept my eyes on the ring as I shook my head. “Of John? No.”

“Do you want to leave?”

“I don’t know.”

He folded the paper and uncrossed his legs. “You don’t know?”

“I don’t know.”

All the little statutes in the parlor watched me.

“Is he treating you better?”

I lifted my shoulders.

“You’ve grown attached to the house?”

The furniture shifted and I gave him a wide-eyed stare. “No.”

“Well, what then?”

I sighed. “I don’t want to hurt him.”

He smiled.

“I’ve lived with him. I’m married to him. It hasn’t been bliss, but it has been different lately. He seems different.”

“You seemed certain when you wrote that letter.”

I sighed. “There’s more to it now. There is something here, something I do here that I don’t know if I want to give up.”

“What do you do that you couldn’t do elsewhere?”

“It’s difficult to explain.”

“I think my intellect can handle it.”

“No…it can’t.”

He squinted at me. “What did you get yourself into?”

“Nothing. I’m just…I’m just not sure. You’re right. It’s a risky decision. I need some time to think about it.”

“I thought you were desperate?”

“I’m not so sure what I feel.”

“Emma. I won’t be able to come back here again for a long while. If you want to leave Labellum, you need to decide before I go.”

Everything in the parlor flung its attention at me.

I thought about what I had discovered about myself from Lottie and from the people of Labellum. I thought about whether it was all worth staying with John. Could it even last? How long until my white room collapsed without me in it? How long before my freedom would destroy everything I cared about? I couldn’t possibly continue traipsing around town as Mrs. Freeman when I was really the “doctor-lawyer’s wife.” I would eventually be caught, ruin John, ruin myself, and be sent to an asylum. All the people I had helped might find themselves in trouble, too. Or I could leave with James and be free from it all, and I’d be the only one hurt, the only one shamed.

I breathed deeply. “I’ll go.” It was the right decision for everyone. It was for the best. My gaze lowered to the floor, to the rugs with little golden embroidered swirls.

“You know he loves you, right?”

My eyes shot up. “What?”