I’d left off the bathroom until Wednesday, throwing away the last of Allen’s belongings there. I hadn’t been consciously keeping around things like his razor or his brand of mouthwash, but I hadn’t thrown them out either. That night, I had. I’d cleaned out every last bit of Allen from the master bathroom and then I’d sat in the shower and cried until the water turned cold.
Thursday had been even worse. I’d packed up all of Allen’s usable clothes and thrown away the ones that couldn’t be donated. For some reason, taking out the trash had bothered me more than putting the boxes of clothes into my car. Even though it had been late, I’d driven into the city and dropped the things off at the mission, hoping I’d be able to keep from crying.
I had. I’d actually felt good as I’d driven away, as if the thought of Allen being able to help someone even after his death had been somehow helping me heal. And then I’d seen the trashcans at the end of the driveway and I’d known that the bags inside had contained all of the little junk that Allen was never going to use again.
It had been that, more than anything else, that had made it hit home. Allen was gone and never coming back. He’d never use up the rest of the aftershave I’d bought him for Christmas last year. Never throw out the cheap comb that he’d always insisted worked ‘just fine’ even though he’d just as often borrowed my hairbrush.
Yesterday hadn’t been any easier, coming home and feeling the house half-empty. It hadn’t really looked much different. Even the upstairs had been the same until I’d opened the dresser or closet. I’d doubted that anyone else would’ve even noticed, but I had. I’d felt like something had been torn out of me or away from me, like a part of me had gone missing.
I’d cried myself to sleep and had woken up this morning with a new resolution.
I was moving forward. I wouldn’t forget Allen or the years we’d spent together, but I wasn’t going to let them hold me back either. I got up, put on a pair of ratty jeans, an equally grubby t-shirt and then headed downstairs to make myself some breakfast.
Jasper arrived a couple hours later and immediately pulled me into his arms for a thorough and resounding kiss. I melted against him, letting myself enjoy the solid feel of his body, the heat of his skin.
When he finally broke the kiss, we were both breathing hard and I was feeling much better.
Jasper frowned as he looked around. “Did Mitchell have to work today?”
I looked away. I hadn’t told him about the fight. “No, he went home. After all,” I tried to keep my tone light, “it’d be a bit awkward to have my big brother here too.”
“Well, I didn’t think he’d be staying, but I figured he’d at least want to make sure everything was set before he left.” Jasper took a step back. “When did he leave?” When I didn’t answer, he spoke again, “Shae, what’s going on?”
“He’s mad about you moving in,” I blurted out. Jasper was the one person I could be completely honest with. I didn’t want to start things off with a lie, even a little one.
I glanced up and saw that his face had darkened.
“What did he say?”
I shook my head and reached down to take his hand. “It doesn’t matter.”
“It does to me.” He tucked a wayward strand of hair behind my ear.
I sighed. “Short version? He thinks I’m a horrible person for even considering wanting to be with someone after Allen.”
“He doesn’t think that,” Jasper argued. “Your brother loves you. He couldn’t think anything bad about you.”
The muscle in my jaw twitched. “He said my mother would be ashamed of me.”
Jasper swore as he pulled me into his arms again. He kissed the top of my head as his fingers made soothing motions on my back.
“Your brother’s being an asshole,” he said. “Everything you’ve said about your mother tells me that she’d want you to be happy.”
“I think she would’ve liked you,” I said, pressing my face more firmly against his chest. Damn, he smelled good.
“I hope so.”
Jasper sounded sad. I pulled back just enough so I could see his face.
“Are you okay?” I asked. I hoped I hadn’t been so caught up in my own drama that I’d missed something important.
“I never wanted to come between you and your brother,” he said. “Maybe I should just go home.”
“You are home,” I said firmly. “Unless...” My heart sank. “Unless you don’t want to move in. It’s okay if you don’t. You didn’t have to agree...”
He pressed his lips against mine to silence me. It was short, but firm. “I want to live with you,” he said, keeping his mouth close enough to mine for me to feel the heat of his breath. “You have no idea how much I want this.” He rested his forehead against mine. “To wake up next to you every morning. To know that I’m coming home to you every night. It means everything to me.”
“But?” I prompted.
“But I can’t make you choose between your family and me.”
“Jas.” I put my finger on his lips, stopping him before he could say anything else. “You aren’t making me choose. Mitchell is. And if he really loved me, he wouldn’t do that.” I smiled. “Besides, I thought I made it clear that I’ve already chosen. I chose you.”
His eyes closed as I put my hand on his cheek. His skin was smooth. He’d shaved this morning. My stomach tightened at the realization that I’d get to watch him shave in the mornings. That I’d be able to see him standing in the bathroom in front of the mirror, towel around his waist, chest bare...
Damn. I was never going to want to leave the house now.
Chapter 11
Prior to Allen’s death, I’d never actually lived alone. I’d gone from home to college where I’d had a roommate. From college to living with Allen. The longest I’d ever been alone in the house had been for a weekend once when Allen had gone on a trip to see his parents and I’d begged off, citing too many papers to grade. Even for someone who’d been used to living with other people, when I’d first moved in, it had taken me a while to get my bearings and for both of us to learn how to move around each other.
Not this time. It was strange how easily Jasper and I slipped into living together. I’d fully expected things to be awkward, at least for the first month or so, but once we’d finished unpacking on Saturday, it had felt natural to follow a normal routine. Dinner, shower, bed. Waking up next to him on Sunday hadn’t been weird at all. And then last night, instead of worrying about how late he was going to stay since we had to work the next day, we just did the same thing we’d done the night before.
I wasn’t sure if it was because he’d stayed here a couple of times or that we were just already so familiar with each other that we didn’t have to learn each other’s moods, but it was nice not to have to worry about any of that. This was different than meeting some random person and asking them to move in after only a few dates. I’d known Jasper as long as I’d known Allen, and the three of us had always been together that first year. It hadn’t been until after they’d graduated that we’d had less time together as a trio.
I hadn’t told anyone but Mitchell about Jasper moving in, but when Gina Edgars came by to pick me up so the two of us could carpool to work, I didn’t try to hide kissing Jasper goodbye at the door. I knew Gina wouldn’t judge. Of all the other teachers at the school where we worked, she was the only one I considered a true friend. She and her long-time girlfriend, Junie, lived across the road and the two of us often rode together to work.
“So,” she said as she pulled out onto the road. “Jasper Whitehall.”
I couldn’t hear any disapproval, but I still didn’t look at her when I answered, “We’ve been seeing each other for a few weeks and he moved in this weekend.” I tensed, waiting for her to tell me that I’d moved way too fast, that it was inappropriate. She might not judge me, but she also wouldn’t hold back her opinion of my behavior either.
“Good for you.”
I turned towards her, startled at just how supportive she was.
Her light blue eyes sparkled as she smiled at me. “I saw the way he was with you after Allen died and at the funeral. It was obvious he cared about you and I’d been hoping you’d see it too. Then I heard that the two of you had been seen out together in town.”
I flushed.
“You have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about, Shae.” She reached out a hand and gave my arm a comforting squeeze. “It’s natural for you to want to be with someone again.”
I looked down at my hands. “I know everyone’s going to think it’s too soon.”
“Fuck what everyone else thinks.”
I laughed, relief flooding through me. She was right. Jasper and I hadn’t done anything wrong. It wasn’t like we’d fallen for each other while Allen had been alive and had just been waiting for our opportunity. It had just happened.
“Can I be nosy about something?”
I glanced over at her to see a mischievous smile curving her mouth. I was immediately wary, knowing that when she got that look, anything could come out of her mouth. “Okay.”
“How is he in bed?”
“Gina!” I stared at her, heat rushing to my face. When she burst out laughing, I smacked her arm. “Are you kidding me?!”
“Sorry, sweetie, I couldn’t resist. That kiss goodbye? Damn. You could’ve started a fire with that kind of heat.”
I was fairly sure my face must’ve been glowing by now.
“Seriously, though.” Her voice sobered. “I’ve always thought Jasper’s had to put up with too much shit around here. He’d been a wild kid, sure, but he’s a good man.” She reached over and took my hand. “You two deserve to be happy.”
“Thank you.” I swallowed hard around the lump in my throat. After Mitchell’s negative reaction, I’d been bracing myself for similar responses. Having Gina’s support meant a lot to me.
It took me a few minutes to regain my composure, but when I did, I couldn’t resist trying to lighten the mood before we got to the school.
“By the way, the answer to your question is: amazing.”
Gina gave me a puzzled look.
“How Jasper is in bed.” I grinned. “I could barely walk last Monday.”
Gina laughed and shook her head. “I’ll make sure I tell Junie that we don’t have to worry about you sitting all alone in that big house with nothing to do.”
I laughed with her. “No, I’m quite sure he’ll keep me busy.”
As we continued to joke and tease, I let myself relax and enjoy the moment. While I was determined to move forward, I knew that there were still plenty of things that could make my life difficult in the days and weeks to come. When times like this came along, I was going to do my best to savor them.
The day went well, with all of my students behaving surprisingly well. It was still nice enough to go outside for recess and at the end of the day, since we had a little extra time, I took them out again. The smell of autumn was in the air and the sun was just warm enough. It was an absolutely beautiful day, the kind that made everything else seem brighter just because of it.
And still, I felt restless, eager to get home even though I knew Jasper was at work. I wanted to be there, with him. I loved my job and my students, but if I’d had a choice, I would’ve been curled up on the couch with Jasper, talking about the mundane things we’d done or had to do. I missed him the way I’d missed Allen when we’d been apart the years I’d been in college and he’d been up here.
The realization frightened me, but I didn’t want it to be any other way. I wanted to want to be with him. I didn’t want to be one of those people who dreaded going home, who would rather work late hours than spend time with their significant other.
By the time the end of the school day arrived, I was antsy, almost wishing I would’ve driven so I could leave as soon as the kids did. I knew it was a good thing, though, that I’d come with Gina and had to wait until she’d finished putting away all of her art supplies and cleaned up the bits of mess the students had missed. Jasper would be at work for another hour and a half so all I’d be doing is trading pacing here to pacing at home. At least here, my pacing also including straightening random things until my entire classroom looked as neat as it had the very first day of school.
On the drive home, Gina kept the conversation going with questions about what had been happening for the past two weeks since we’d barely seen each other. Some of her questions were about Jasper and me, but others prompted me to tell her about the mysterious letters and phone calls, as well as Aime and Jenny. Gina wholeheartedly agreed with Jasper that Allen would’ve told me about a daughter if he’d known and she was even skeptical that Jenny was even his. I agreed, but I couldn’t get rid of the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that Aime wasn’t going to just go away.
When I got home, I changed out of my work clothes and into a comfortable pair of jeans and a worn flannel shirt. The best thing about my relationship with Jasper having developed the way it did was that I never really had to worry about him seeing me dressed down. He’d already seen me sick, sun-burned, grieving, and dressed in everything from my wedding dress to pajamas. I could wear what I wanted and know that he’d most likely seen me in it before.
I finished grading papers in less than an hour and then headed into the kitchen to start something for dinner. I’d gone out last week to pick up a few things that I knew Jasper liked and I was thinking about making lamp chops when someone knocked on the door. I quickly wiped off my hands and headed out, wondering if it was Mitchell coming back to apologize.