A Widow's Hope (38 page)

Julia’s expression softened somewhat. “You assume that I don’t understand, but I do…perfectly. You’re a coward, so go on home. I’ll see you at Thomas and Catherine’s wedding in December. You are afraid, Hannah—afraid of the past, the present, and the future. Life doesn’t treat cowards kindly, and that’s why you struggle so much.” Julia’s words finally ran out and an uncomfortable silence filled the room for a full minute before she asked, “Whatever happened to ‘Be still and know that I am Lord?’”

Hannah’s eyes filled with tears that flowed down her cheeks unchecked. Her stomach ached, and her throat constricted painfully. “I’m sorry, Julia. Please forgive me. I wish things could have been different.” She wrapped her arms around her sister’s shoulders and squeezed tightly, for once not mindful of the arthritis. This hug would have to last a long time. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be different.”

Julia hugged back more fiercely than her disability should have allowed. Tears streaked her face also. “Someday you’ll stop running. I just wish it would have been here and now. You will realize you can’t hide from yourself. Wherever you go, you take yourself along. I thank God for the wonderful person you are. I only wish you would.”

Hannah broke from the embrace. The kitchen felt too hot and airless. She thought she might be sick. Thoughts and emotions tumbled through her mind.
Why can’t I be allowed to make one decision for myself?
Picking up her totebag and purse, Hannah headed for the door.

“The girls are in the vegetable patch, picking snap peas and beans. The boys should be painting the paddock fence, and Simon is probably still raking nails from the dirt near the barn,” Julia said wearily.

Hannah didn’t look back as she walked out the door. She couldn’t. This was difficult enough without guilt making it impossible.

Both of her nieces stopped picking and straightened their spines when Hannah approached the garden. With their stiff postures and mournful faces, they resembled soldiers condemned to the gallows.

“So you’re really leaving us?” Emma asked, resentment etching her words.

“I must, Emma, though it does burden my heart,” Hannah said, glancing between the two. Leah had started to cry. Hannah wouldn’t be able to look in that direction again. She much preferred to deal with anger.

“Now that I’m done with school, I thought I could become your apprentice in the wool business, and one day, I would become your partner.” Emma stared with blue eyes as cool as the creek in spring.

“I would’ve liked that if certain things had worked out differently.”

“Do you mean with Uncle Seth?” Emma asked.

Hannah was mortified.
Was everything so obvious to all but her?

“
Jah,
he’s a big part of my decision.”

Responding to Hannah’s surprised expression, Emma replied, “I’m not a baby anymore, aunt. I have eyes that can see what’s going on.”

“What is going on?” Leah asked, rubbing her face and smearing garden dirt across her cheeks.

“You’ll understand when you’re older,” Emma said, pulling Leah to her side.

Hannah swallowed hard and tried to feign cheeriness. “Since you have such good eyes, I hope you can find the presents I left on my bed for both of you. They are for when you’re older and about to have your own homes. In your case, Emma, that’s not too far down the road.” Hannah’s forced smile was starting to grow painful.

“I want to live here with
mamm
and
daed
forever,” Leah wailed, starting to cry again.

“Well, that’s okay too. You can use them right here at home,” Hannah said.

Leah nodded, wiping her nose. Her face was taking on a comic appearance from the streaks of dirt.

Emma tried to wipe Leah’s cheeks with her apron. “
Danki,
Aunt Hannah. We’re going to miss you ’round here. It won’t be the same.”

The brave young woman’s voice cracked, and she too began to sniffle.

“And I will miss both of you. More than you know,” whispered Hannah. It was unanimous—no dry eyes in the bean patch.

Hannah couldn’t take another minute of sadness. She pulled her nieces against her chest in an affectionate hug and then picked up her bags and marched to the paddock. There she found Matthew and Henry whitewashing the soot-stained fence.

“Boys, I’m leaving now. Thanks for all your help. I’ll see you before you know it at your Uncle Thomas’ wedding.” It sounded like a practiced speech from a door-to-door saleswoman, but it was all Hannah could manage. She kissed each one on his forehead, which triggered a flood of color up their necks. “Mind your
mamm
and
daed,
” she said as she headed toward the barn.

Her brother-in-law was leaning on his long-handled rake. A large pile of rubbish sat beside his wheelbarrow. Simon smiled as she approached. “Ready to go then?” he asked. “Do you want me to take you over to the Lees’?”

“No, they’re picking me up any minute now.” Hannah noticed how gaunt and aged his face had become. The past few weeks had taken their toll.

He set the rake atop the wheelbarrow and dusted off his hands. “I’ll help you load that trunk of yours into their van. It’s getting lighter every time I lift it.” One corner of his mouth turned up.

Hannah shook her head. “Please don’t leave your work. Mr. Lee and I can handle the trunk and—” She forced herself to meet his eye. “I’m having a hard time saying goodbye. Let’s just get this over with.”

Simon stretched out his thin, weathered hand. “You can always change your mind, Hannah, and come back. You remember that. You belong with us.”

Hannah grasped his dry fingers but on impulse threw her arms around his neck and delivered a hug. “Goodbye, Simon. I’ll see you in December.”

“Oh, my. Had I known you could squeeze my back like that I could’ve saved a lot of money with the chiropractor.” When she released him, his face was beet red as he tugged down his black vest.

“Perhaps spine adjustments should be my new business venture.”

“No, you’re much too good with sheep.” Simon smiled, and Hannah hurried from the barnyard.
Of all the people I never thought
I’d miss.

Mr. and Mrs. Lee were pulling into the drive when Hannah reached the shade where her trunk and suitcase had been set. Mr. Lee backed his van right up to the trunk. The four
kinner
were nowhere to be seen. They had probably gone inside the house, no fonder of long farewells than she.

“All set, Mrs. Brown?” asked Mr. Lee, opening the back of the van.

“Yes, let’s be off.” Hannah grabbed one handle of the trunk; he took the other; and with a minimum of grunts, they stowed the trunk inside.

Mrs. Lee studied her curiously. “Are you all right, Hannah? You look white as paper.”

“I’m okay,” she said. “Saying goodbye to six relatives is never quick or easy.” Hannah’s false bravado fooled no one.

“Are you sure this is what you want to do? Travel back to Pennsylvania before you’ve decided what to do with your flock? Maybe after the last harvest you’ll have time to think things through.”

Hannah clenched down on her back molars and stared out the side window.
Not only my Amish community but now the English world is telling me what to do?
However, she said nothing. Her throat had swelled shut as though she’d swallowed a bee. She tried focusing on the scenery as Mr. Lee pulled onto the highway.

Instead of enjoying the trees, ripe fields, and distant hills, Hannah’s gaze landed on the sheep that were moving along the ridge. Maybe it was her imagination, but half the flock turned to glare at the passing vehicle.

Hannah dabbed at her nose, drew a deep breath, and gathered her courage. “We have plenty of time before my train departs, and seeing that your ballgame isn’t until the evening, might we make one quick stop before we leave Winesburg?”

Mrs. Lee looked at her in the car’s rearview mirror. “I believe we can manage that. In fact, I was about to suggest it. Where would you like to go?”

“To Seth Miller’s farm, around the corner on Route 158.”

A grin deepened the lines by Mrs. Lee’s mouth as she began digging around in her purse. The van drove down Seth’s road and within minutes turned into his yard. Seth’s property adjoined Simon’s along the back property line.

“Looks like he’s getting ready to go somewhere too,” Mr. Lee said.

Seth was leading his mare from the paddock toward his buggy. Hannah noticed he had good clothes on instead of his work duds. Phoebe, with her doll clutched in both hands, stood near the buggy. She waved as the van pulled up the drive.

Seth approached the driver’s window. “Good morning,” he said, tipping his hat to Mrs. Lee, and then peering into the backseat. “You’re leaving already? Phoebe and I were just coming to talk to you, Hannah.” He was practically shouting. “Julia said your train wasn’t leaving until this afternoon. We almost missed you.”

Phoebe stretched up on tiptoes to see inside the van.

Hannah felt trapped in the backseat. “That’s why I asked Mr. Lee to stop—so I could say goodbye properly…and ask you a question.”

You’re a coward, Hannah Brown…You keep running away and hiding…When will you learn you can’t hide from yourself?

Julia’s words tumbled around her head like a jump rope jingle. Yet Hannah knew every word was true.

Mrs. Lee plopped her overly large handbag on the back of the seat. “I found it,” she said, pulling out her cell phone. “Hannah, we’ve got
to run back to the house. I forgot my checkbook, and I’m not exactly sure where it is. Why don’t you just call us when you’re ready to head to the station? Just push the green button twice, and it’ll ring at our house.” She shoved the phone into Hannah’s hand without pausing for a reply.

Seth opened the van’s back door and stood waiting like a valet. There was nothing she could do but get out with her face turning redder by the minute.

He slammed the door shut, and the Lees left as though in a great big hurry.

“There’s something I’ve got to say to you, Hannah Brown,” Seth said in a quiet, controlled voice.

“Me too, Aunt Hannah.” Even Phoebe’s words sounded well starched.

Hannah glanced from one to the other. “All right, but I came here before you found me, so I’m going first.”

Seth crossed his arms. His daughter mimicked the gesture.

Hannah wasn’t deterred. “I’d like a business partnership with you, Seth Miller. It’s too hot to move the flock back to Pennsylvania in a crowded truck. I don’t want any sheep to die because of my indecision regarding where I want to live. Besides, they seem to have adjusted nicely to the sparse Ohio grass.” She took a quick breath. “Seeing that you’re fond of sheep too, and seeing you would like your own flock…we could move mine to your place, along with Turnip, and then you can buy more animals. Once your financial investment matches mine, we’ll split all profits down the middle.” She exhaled with a whoosh. “Well, what do you think?” she asked, glancing into his sea blue eyes for the first time.

“No,” he replied succinctly.

Seth stared at the confusing, obtuse, green-eyed woman and had to tamp down his temper. With how he felt, a long-distance business
partnership was out of the question for two reasons. First, he would be here in Ohio with the work of feeding, watering, shearing, and doctoring sick animals, besides keeping up with his regular farm chores. She would be back in Lancaster on her
bruder
’s farm, perhaps sitting by a creek reading a book and sipping lemonade. And second, he didn’t want a business partner. He wanted a wife. He was in love with her.

“Just no? That’s it?” she asked. It was her turn to cross her arms.

“No, that’s not it,” he said. “Like I told you, I’ve got plenty to say, but I’ll start with I love you.”

Her confusing, obtuse green eyes grew round as an owl’s.

“I’m not interested in a partnership. I want a wife. And not just any wife—I want you.” He started to grin as his words tumbled down like someone shaking an apple tree. Now that he had finally started, there would be no stopping him. “If there’s something you don’t want to talk about, something from your past, that’s okay with me. We’re beginning fresh here, the three of us. And we don’t need to rehash what’s done and gone.” He slipped an arm around his daughter’s shoulders and waited for Hannah’s response. Either way, at least he’d spoken his mind.

“And you waited until
now
to tell me this, Seth Miller? When I’m on my way to the train station?” Her brows knitted together, but she couldn’t hide her smile.

“You hadn’t gotten on the train yet, Hannah. I still had time. Anyway, I held off because most of the time, those seemed like the last three words you wanted to hear.”

Hannah shook her head in agreement. “I did act like that, didn’t I?”

“Can I say something now?” Phoebe asked with near urgency.

“I suppose you’d better,” Hannah said.

Phoebe looked up at her father first and then said in her sweet voice. “My
daed
says I should thank you for helping me talk again and teaching me English. So
danki,
Aunt Hannah.” The child grew
suddenly bashful and leaned into Seth’s side. “And I wanted to say that I love you too—as much as I love Aunt Julia.” She glanced from one adult to the other. “And that’s a lot!”