“I know they understand. But it doesn’t excuse my behavior altogether.” He looked across at her. “I’ve been difficult with you, too. Pretty nasty at times.” She seemed about to argue, and he lifted his hand to stop her. “I know I have. I’m sorry. A lot of other people wouldn’t have put up with it.”
It sounded weak, a lot weaker than the feelings he had inside. But it was the only way he could put it.
“I’m not a lot of other people,” she said quietly.
He reached over and took her hand. He couldn’t help himself, he just had to touch her. “You’re different from everyone. You’re . . . the best. I always knew that.”
“You did hurt my feelings sometimes, David,” she admitted. “I won’t lie and say you didn’t. But I guess you’re worth it,” she added with a small laugh.
He smiled across at her. They’d known each other for so long. But he wanted her to know who he was now. He wanted her to know what he’d been through and how it had changed him. That was important, too.
“Sometimes I feel so much coming at me, at once,” he tried to explain. “It’s like, I’m a computer or something and there’s information overload. But instead of shutting down, I feel angry,” he admitted. “And confused. And sort of . . . out of control. It’s not good.”
“That must be a really bad feeling,” she said.
“It is. It’s like I don’t know who I am anymore. I’ve changed a lot since I went into the army. I know I have, but sometimes I just can’t get a handle on who’s in here right now.” He tapped his chest. “I’m glad you stuck it out and kept trying to see me. That was . . . really great. But I’m not the same guy you dated back in high school, Chrissy,” he said, using the nickname he had used way back when. “I’m sorry if I disappoint you sometimes. I know I must.”
“I like that you called me Chrissy again,” she said. “No one else ever called me that. But I’m not the same girl you knew either. I’ve changed a lot, too.”
“I know that, believe me. You’re so mature and together now. You’re ready to take on the world, more ready than I am.”
She didn’t reply, casting a wistful smile his way. She had changed, it was true. But some things about her had not altered one bit. She was still the sweetest, most loving person he had ever known.
“Thanks for taking me out today. I need to get into the real world more. I need more shopping,” he joked. “Maybe that could be some kind of new therapy.”
“Maybe,” she agreed.
David held her hand in both of his. Her skin was so soft, hard to believe, considering the way she had been tossing around those Christmas trees lately.
Then his fingertips felt the hard edges of her engagement ring. He looked down to see it sparkling at him, mocking him. He had almost forgotten for a moment that Christine was spoken for.
He took a calming breath and tried to keep his cool. He let her hand slip from his and sat back in his chair. “So, what did you get for your boyfriend? You didn’t tell me.”
“I got him a sweater and CD he wanted. I still want to get him a really nice leather briefcase. He can use it when he goes out on job interviews.”
“That sounds great.” David forced himself to act positive. “Guess he’ll be home from school any day now.”
“He won’t be back until Christmas Eve,” she replied. “He has a job on campus and can’t leave until then.”
“Oh, too bad,” David said, though he didn’t mean it. Once her boyfriend came home, he wouldn’t see her anymore. Her job at the tree farm would end on Christmas Eve, so the timing worked out . . . sort of.
“What’s he studying? You never told me.”
“I didn’t? I thought I had.”
She had said very little about her boyfriend, and David wasn’t really sure why or what that meant.
“No, you didn’t. I would have remembered. You’ve never even told me his name, come to think of it.”
“Oh . . . his name is Alex,” she said, looking embarrassed. “Alex Regan. He’s studying computer science—designing websites, creating software, that kind of thing.”
“Pretty good.” David tried to sound enthusiastic. “There are a lot of jobs in that field.”
“He’s already interned at some good companies. He might find a job in one of those places.”
This guy sounded like a tough act to follow—responsible and smart. Ambitious, too. Mr. High-Tech. That was not good news.
“So . . . when’s the big day?” he forced himself to ask. He had been wondering ever since he saw that ring. But he’d never had the guts to ask her.
“In June, June fifteenth. We’re planning a small wedding,” she explained. “Just close family. I didn’t want one of those huge productions. My folks can’t really afford a big party, and I don’t want to burden them.”
“I’m sure it will be a great day, whatever you’ve planned,” he said graciously.
It hardly mattered if there were five guests at her wedding or five hundred. Christine would be the most beautiful bride anyone had ever seen. He was sure of that.
He wished he could tell her that, too, but it didn’t seem right. She looked suddenly ill at ease and self-conscious as she stirred her cappuccino.
“Thank you, David. Thanks for your good wishes. I hope it will be a great day, too,” she said quietly.
Though it was just past five, it was dark outside by the time they left the café. It felt late to David. He was very tired but didn’t want to admit it. The talk about Christine’s wedding and boyfriend had deflated his spirits and energy.
Rain had begun to fall while they were inside. As they walked to the car David felt as if his slow gait was holding her up and making her get more wet than need be. But she walked alongside him patiently. At least it was downhill this time.
They tossed their shopping bags in the trunk and got inside the car. Neither of them spoke much as they headed back to Cape Light. “I hope this rain doesn’t turn to snow,” Christine said finally.
David glanced out his window. “It’s a mess any way you look at it.”
The raindrops had turned to icy pellets that made the road slick and treacherous. Christine was driving slowly, and David could tell she was nervous.
“I’m going to pull over a minute and see if this gets any better, okay?”
“Sure,” he said. “Up ahead, that’s a good spot.”
Christine pulled the car over and David sat, staring out his window. He felt frustrated and helpless. He wanted to take the wheel and keep driving. That would be the manly thing to do. Not pull over and wait. The rain wasn’t so bad.
Her boyfriend, Alex, would have taken the wheel. David was sure of it. She had to be thinking he was weak and inept. Unable to take care of her when it counted. A real loser.
They sat in silence, other cars and trucks whizzing by on the icy road. It didn’t seem as if the rain was getting any better. To David, it seemed to be getting worse.
“What do you think?” He turned to her. “Should we get going again? I don’t think it’s going to change any.”
He could see she felt anxious about driving. “Let’s give it another minute or two. No rush, right?”
“Right, no rush,” he agreed.
But as he sat there, listening to the icy rain beating on the car roof, he felt his heartbeat accelerate, faster and faster. He suddenly felt as if he were choking and couldn’t get a breath.
The icy rain had turned to small hailstones, and the sound of them striking the metal roof transformed in his mind to the sound of gunfire.
David lost all sense of where he was and what he was doing. He was back in Baghdad, riding in the Humvee. They were under fire, and he heard the missile whining in the air above, coming closer, ready to strike them and explode.
He hunkered down in the car seat, giving in to the wave of terror that had taken over his mind and body. He held his arms over his head and when he felt Christine’s touch, he shouted at her, violently pushing her away. “Take cover! It’s coming. . . . Get down, damn it. . . . Cover your head! . . . God, please, don’t let it hit again, please don’t. . . .”
“David, what is it? What’s going on? Talk to me, say something!” She sounded afraid, almost hysterical.
Outside the car, a truck horn sounded twice, breaking through his waking nightmare. David lifted his head and finally saw Christine, staring at him, her eyes wide and her expression shocked.
He sat up slowly and took deep breaths, the way they had taught him in the hospital. He felt so embarrassed, he wished he could have died, right there.
“Gee . . . I’m sorry . . . I really lost it . . .” He swallowed a few times, catching his breath. “The hail, it sounded like we were back in Baghdad being fired on.”
Her frightened expression melted into sympathy. “I’m so sorry. Are you okay now?”
He nodded quickly and wiped his hand over his face, feeling like a complete fool. Christine reached out and rubbed his arm with her hand, trying to soothe him. David stared straight ahead.
“Did it remind you of the night you were injured?” she asked quietly.
He nodded. “Like I was right back there. Time traveling or something. I have nightmares about it sometimes. This was different. It wasn’t like a dream. I was right there, all over again.”
“How awful,” she said. “How did you get injured, David? You never told me.”
He looked over at her, unsure of what to say. “Do you really want to hear this?”
“I want to know.” When he didn’t respond, she added. “I’m not saying it just to be nice, David. It’s important to me.”
When he met her glance he knew she was telling the truth. It was important to her, though he wasn’t sure why it would be. Maybe so she could figure out why he wasn’t the same anymore, why she couldn’t fall in love with him again?
What did it matter? She wanted to know the whole story? He’d tell it to her. Maybe it would help him, too, to get some of this off his chest. He hadn’t really talked to anyone outside of his buddies in the squad about it. Not even his father.
David took a deep breath and stared straight ahead, going back again to the base in south Baghdad. “When you’re in the army, everyone has a job to do. I was in the motor pool, trained as a mechanic.”
“Really?” Christine looked surprised by this admission. “Is that what you want to do now? I mean, once your leg is better.”
“No, not really. I didn’t like it much. I learned enough to figure out it wasn’t for me.” Even if he had liked pulling apart engines and machinery, David knew that sort of work would always bring back difficult memories.
“Our base was in south Baghdad. There was a lot of fighting, a lot of insurgents. You were always anxious when you went off base. Always on alert, hyped up, watching everything that moved on the road. The wind lifting a scrap of paper. I wasn’t assigned to patrol or guard officers, or anything like that. But when we went off base, anything could happen. You had to be sharp, prepared. If you passed a car on the road, and it got too close to the Humvee, that could be the one that would drive up next to you and explode. You just didn’t know. I still get the jitters sometimes, driving along, looking at the traffic on the highway. Watching some guy behind my dad’s truck who’s tailgating . . .”
David paused. His mouth felt dry. He knew he was rambling and tried to get back on track again. “When you were fired on, you fired back. You didn’t think about God or country or even 9/11. You were just trying to protect the guys on either side of you. Your pals. Your brothers. You didn’t have time to think. It’s kill or be killed. Just that simple. We all worked every day just to keep each other alive.”
Christine sat listening to him with an awestruck expression.
Had he shocked her, confessing that he had been in battle and taken lives? Did she think of him differently now?
“Your legs, how did that happen? What were you doing?” she asked.
“A truck carrying supplies to the base had broken down a few miles down the main road. We had orders to go out and take a look. It was daytime. We had no cover. But sometimes traveling at night is even worse. You can never tell. My team went out in a Humvee. It was me, a pal of mine named Buzz, and Sergeant Nolan. Nolan was career army, on his third tour of duty.” David stopped. He wasn’t sure how much more he could get out. He didn’t want to lose it again in front of her.
She sat silently, barely breathing, willing him with her eyes to continue.
“We didn’t see anything or hear anything. The road looked perfectly silent. Then the Humvee was fired on. A grenade launcher. We were hit, and the truck turned over. That’s when my legs were crushed. I sort of blacked out, I guess. Next thing I knew, Sergeant Nolan was pulling me out, away from the vehicle. Somehow Buzz had jumped clear. But Nolan didn’t know that. There was so much smoke. He ran back, calling for Buzz.” David took a ragged breath. “Then the truck was hit again and the engine exploded.”
“Dear God. That poor man.”
David nodded, a sick feeling in his gut. “He was the greatest guy, too. Everybody loved Nolan. He had a wife and two kids. Their pictures were all over the place.” David paused and felt a shudder rip through him. “I think a lot about that day, about him. How it should have been me instead. I was the one who was stuck. He was up, he was mobile. He didn’t have to save me. He didn’t have to go back for Buzz.”
“David, you would have done the same thing if the situation had been reversed.”
“Would I? I’d like to think so. I guess I’ll never know now.” David took a deep, shaky breath. “I sometimes wish we could have traded places,” he confessed. “Nolan and me. I mean, the guy had a real family, people depending on him. He left a big hole in the world. I wouldn’t have left much of one. No one would have missed me, really. My father, I guess.”
“I would have missed you,” Christine said.
He stared at her, shocked by her admission. Then he brushed the spark of hope aside. She was engaged to be married, in love with some guy named Alex. She only meant it as a friend. Not the way he wanted her to mean it.