“Where’s the coffee?” he bellowed. Damaris returned quickly to the stove, hoping there had been time for the coffee to boil. There hadn’t.
Her pa hated coffee that wasn’t steaming. He also hated to wait. Which offense would be the most annoying on this night? Damaris glanced at her pa, hoping to be able to guess. One hand held the fork that shoveled the food to his mouth, the other shifted restlessly on the table. Damaris decided to risk the coffee—now. Perhaps he wouldn’t notice that it was less than boiling. She poured a cup and hastened back to the table, then went for the sugar bowl. She held her breath as she entered the small cubicle that served as a pantry. Would he be angry? She glanced over her shoulder to see which objects from the table she might have to dodge if her father’s anger turned violent.
He hadn’t waited for the sugar. Lifting the cup to his lips, he took a drink. Immediately he turned, leaned from his chair, and spat the coffee onto the floor beside him.
“Tastes like slop,” he said, accusing eyes glaring at Damaris. He turned his cup upside down and emptied the remainder of its contents onto the floor. But he did not throw the cup. For that Damaris was thankful.
“Bring me another one—hot—an’ put some sugar in it!” he roared.
Damaris moved quickly to comply. The coffee was now boiling. Perhaps she had been lucky. The bit of stall had resulted in hot coffee, and her pa had remained reasonably controlled.
But her pa never drank the coffee. The hand that held the fork was slowly losing its grip, and a glaze started to cover the man’s eyes. Damaris dared to glance at her mama. The man at the table would soon pass out, and it would be up to the two of them to get his dead weight from the kitchen floor to his bed. They had struggled with the weight of the big man many times. Damaris hated this part of the ordeal.
Slowly, the man slumped over the table. Damaris didn’t know whether to step forward and risk holding him in his chair before he was totally unconscious, or to stand by and let him slide completely to the floor. It was always so much harder to lift him up after he had fallen. She raised her eyes to her mama and the woman nodded feebly. Damaris stepped forward and placed a hand on each of the man’s shoulders, holding him against the back of his seat.
“I’ll take his arms,” she said softly to her mama in a remarkably controlled voice.
The slight woman moved forward, tugged off the man’s heavy boots, tossed them aside, and lifted his legs.
Together they heaved and hoisted until they got him into the bedroom and finally managed to slide him onto his bed. Then they tossed the covers over the bulky frame.
Without a word they left the room and returned to the kitchen. Damaris pulled a rag from the scrub bucket and fell to her knees to wipe up the floor while her mama cleared the table.
Damaris glanced at the woman. Beads of perspiration still stood on her forehead, a reminder of the hard task of bedding her pa. She looked old for her thirty-four years. Old and tired. Yet Damaris knew from a picture tucked inside the little box in her mama’s drawer that she had been young and attractive not many years before. Damaris thought she heard a deep sigh as the older woman placed the dirty plate in the dishpan on the stove.
“It’s a shame to waste good coffee,” her mama said quietly. “Want a cup?”
The coffee—when they had it—was kept for her pa or for the family’s occasional guest. Damaris had tasted coffee only once before in her life. To be offered a cup now surprised her, but she nodded in assent, feeling a strange sensation of excitement. There slept her father, while she and her mama drank his coffee. Damaris stifled her impulse to giggle and went to wash her hands.
“Too bad we don’t have some cake—or something,” her mama said.
Damaris nodded again, the light leaping to her eyes.
She sipped her coffee, wondering why people made such a fuss about the bitter-tasting beverage. But Damaris would never have voiced such a negative opinion at that moment. She was set to savor every drop of the forbidden liquid.
“I like it much better with cream,” her mama admitted. “Been so long since I had a cup—I’d most forgotten how it tastes.”
Damaris took another sip. It was beginning to taste better. Perhaps because it was such a pleasure for the two of them to be sitting serenely at the table, completely composed and relaxed, knowing that it would be hours before her pa could be of any threat to them again.
“Were you reading?” her mama asked.
Damaris nodded, seeing in her mama’s eyes complete understanding. She wondered how her mama knew, how they could communicate so completely with so few words.
“Wish we had some new books for you. You must have those few ‘most worn out.”
Damaris nodded again, but then hurried to add, “I don’t mind. I always enjoy reading them again.”
But deep in her heart, Damaris knew she would give almost anything to have some new books.
They sipped in silence for a few more minutes, then Mrs. Withers spoke again.
“You have pretty eyes,” she said.
Damaris was not used to compliments—not even from her mama. She didn’t know how to respond.
Her mama went on, “They are just like my papa’s. He had dark brown eyes, too, you know. I took after Mama. My eyes are gray. I was always disappointed about that. Wanted dark eyes like my pa.”
Damaris let her mama’s words slide slowly past her. She had never given much thought to eyes. She supposed that gray ones could look out upon the world just as good as brown ones.
“One hasn’t much choice about eyes, I guess,” the woman mused aloud. “Shouldn’t even waste time thinkin’ ’bout it.” She stirred her coffee, her thoughts seeming to go on; then she took a deep breath and said, “One should be more concerned with things thet can be changed. Who we are—what we become—and how our lives affect others.”
Damaris looked directly at her mama. The thin, pale woman sitting opposite her had slightly graying hair that was pushed haphazardly in a bun at the base of her neck. It had become dislodged in the struggle with her pa and several strands of shorter hair curled in wisps against her shallow cheeks. The longer strands had been tucked recklessly behind her ears. For the first time in her young life, Damaris wondered who her mama really was, and who she had been before she met and married her pa. Would life have been different if she had married someone else? Never married at all?
Damaris had never thought to ask such questions. She had accepted their life together as the way things were. Now she found herself wondering if there were alternatives. Could life have been different? For Mama? Even for her?
Her mama stirred in her chair. Damaris again lifted her eyes to look at her. For one brief moment the brown eyes met the gray and Damaris fancied that she saw something she had never seen before. She wasn’t sure what it was or what it meant so she let her glance slip away.
“I have something I want you to have,” the woman said. She rose quickly from the chair and left the room. She was gone for some time, and Damaris began wondering where she’d had to go to retrieve whatever it was she was after.
When she returned, her hair was even more dishevelled and bore bits of barn straw.
“I had it hid in the barn,” she whispered. Damaris felt her eyes go toward the room where the man breathed heavily in his sleep.
Mrs. Withers produced a small piece of faded cloth tied tightly into a bundle. Damaris watched, her curiosity growing as her mama fumbled with the knots.
“Bring me my sewin’ shears,” the woman instructed, and Damaris crossed to the corner where the small basket of mending supplies was kept and returned almost on tiptoe.
The small packet held two articles. One was a pocket watch. Mrs. Withers lifted it tenderly, caressing it with her eyes before she extended it to Damaris.
“Your grandfather’s,” she said softly. “He gave it to me the night before he died.”
There were tears in her eyes. Damaris couldn’t fully understand the reason.
“Here,” her mama prompted. “Take it.”
Damaris hesitated, realizing in her limited way just how much the keepsake meant to her mama. Damaris hadn’t known that her mama had anything totally her own. Even her few books had been unselfishly passed on to her daughter.
“Take it,” her mama repeated, thrusting the watch toward Damaris again.
“But—”
“I want you to have it—and this too,” said Mrs. Withers. She lifted a brooch of lacy gold adorned with shiny stones.
“This was my mama’s pin. Papa gave it to me, too. But I could never wear it. Had to hide it away in the barn. With you—you can wear it—like it should be. And the watch—though you wouldn’t wear it—can be displayed. I saw one once—in a little glass case—draped over blue velvet. It looked so beautiful.”
The words puzzled Damaris, but she reached out her trembling hands to accept the two priceless gifts. If her mama had to hide them from her pa, how would they be safe with her? He never showed any reservation about entering her room to look for something he could exchange for money to purchase another bottle.
“But how—how can I—?” Damaris stammered, not knowing quite how to express her thoughts.
Her mama seemed to read her—as always. She pressed the gifts into the palms of her daughter’s quivering hands and clasped them tightly in her own. Then she looked deep into the dark brown eyes.
“You are getting older, Damaris. Almost fifteen. And you are tall for your age. Why—you could ’most pass for seventeen. At that age a lot of girls are—are on their own. Do you understand?”
Damaris wasn’t sure she did, but she nodded her head.
“As to the gifts—keepin’ them safe …” Mrs. Withers hesitated, still looking at Damaris. “You—you’ll think of something,” she finished in a whisper.
Damaris saw pain in her mother’s pleading eyes. A tear spilled from one and ran down the pale cheek. Damaris had seldom seen her mama weep—even when her father yelled at her and hit her in a drunken rage.
Damaris reached down and tucked the little bundle in the pocket of her apron. She still wasn’t sure what her mama expected of her, but she would do her best. Perhaps she could hide the treasures in one of the farthest corners of the attic. Her pa never seemed to notice the small trapdoor in the ceiling above her dresser. Perhaps the cherished items would be safe there.
She looked at her mama and nodded again. The woman was standing, brushing back strands of wayward hair, blinking tears from her eyes.
“We must get to bed,” her mama said suddenly. “Must get some rest before he wakes. He might well be sick come mornin’.”
Damaris knew her mother was right. Her pa was often sick when he woke up from his drinking. It could mean bedding to wash, floors to scrub, nursing to be done. Her mama would do the comforting and easing of the misery. Damaris would be assigned the scrubbing—of clothes, blankets and wooden boards.
She sighed as she moved to wash the cups. She and her mama would enjoy only a brief respite. They should make the most of it.
With one hand in her apron pocket holding fast the two treasures, Damaris climbed the creaking steps and made her way to her simple bed. Perhaps she could get a few hours of sound sleep before her pa wakened.
Climbing up through the attic hole in the darkness would be too risky. Damaris would have to wait for the light of day before hiding the treasures Mama had given her. She was sure she would be up and about long before her pa cried out for a cold cloth for his forehead and a slop pail for his upset stomach.
Long into the night Damaris lay thinking, fingering beneath her pillow the tiny cloth bundle with the treasures that had once belonged to her grandparents. Damaris sighed and turned over. If only there was no money. If only her pa didn’t make the trips into town to spend his time at the saloon tables. If only her mama didn’t look so old and tired all of the time. If only—
Damaris checked herself. There was no use going on. Things were as they were. Nothing would change. Nothing. Damaris reached a hand up to feel the scar above her temple. At least her pa had thrown nothing at her—this time. He had not slapped her nor twisted her arm. They had gotten off easy this time—both her and her mama. Damaris was thankful for that. But what about next time? And the time after that? She lived in fear and dread of each new day, and she was sure her mama did likewise.
What if her pa awoke and found out that the two womenfolk had been drinking his precious coffee? What if he discovered that an expensive-looking brooch had been hidden away from him for many years? What if he learned of the watch?
Damaris again slipped a hand under the pillow to feel the items. For a moment she felt a flash of anger toward her mama. Why had she given her these dangerous possessions? Was she too old and weary to continue hiding them herself?
Her mama had seemed so—so different tonight. Oh, she was still pale, still weary, but for just a moment she had let down her guard and shown the woman who used to be.
Damaris puzzled again over her mother’s words.
Many girls of seventeen are on their own. You could pass for seventeen.
The strange message played and replayed through the young girl’s mind. But she could make no sense of it.
There are choices we can make,
the voice went on.
Choices? What choices. Not the color of one’s eyes. Mama had made that clear enough. Then what choices?
Damaris had never had choices. If she could have chosen, she would be attending school like all of the other children in the neighborhood. But she couldn’t choose. Her pa had done that for her when she reached the age of twelve.
“Yer ma needs ya,” he had growled. “Ain’t right fer you to be fritterin’ away yer day when yer ma is home doin’ all the chores. Girl big as you should be able to earn her keep.”
So Damaris had been taken from school and put to work with the household and farm chores. It wasn’t that she minded the work. She was big for her age and surprisingly strong, but she did hate to miss the classes. Now she had no access to books. Books and the adventure of learning. She missed school.