Absolute Truths (12 page)

FOUR

‘
It is extraordinary how we betray our friends. Or (as we
think in our conceited minds) it is not extraordinary at all:
for we, of course, are superior persons, viewing mankind
from a great height, and awarding our acquaintances praise
and blame with poetic
justice,
if not with justice, anyhow
with such charm, that even malice ought to be forgiven us.’

AUSTIN FARRER

Warden of Keble College, Oxford, 1960-1968

A Celebration o
_f
Faith

As the door shuddered on its hinges I said quickly into the tele
phone: ‘Sorry, got to go — see you tomorrow.’ Meanwhile Michael
had swept to my desk and was standing in front of me with his
fists clenched and his arms held rigidly at his sides as if he were
barely able to restrain himself from aiming a punch at my jaw.

This was clearly a situation which demanded all my pastoral
skills, but I had long since discovered that during confrontations
with Michael my professional experience was of no use to me;
Michael knew at once when he was being treated as a pastoral
‘case’ and became more unpleasant than ever. On the other hand
all my attempts to treat him affectionately as a son fell on stony
ground. It was
as
if Michael was never satisfied until he had needled
me into losing my temper, and the more I slaved at the task of
keeping calm the more he slaved at the task of provoking me.

I repressed the urge to bolt from the room and shout in despair
for Lyle.

‘Have you quite finished?’ said Michael.

‘I’m sorry, it’s been chaotic here tonight —’

‘
I bring my fiancée down here to announce our engagement and
you can’t even find the time to drink a
glass of
champagne with
us!’

‘I really am very sorry —’

‘
I don’t want you being sorry! I just want you to do something halfway decent such
as
saying: "Congratulations!" If it had been Charley who had arrived here with his fiancée, you’d have been
beside yourself with excitement!’

‘
Not if the fiancée were Dinkie,’ I said before I could stop myself,
and
as Michael
showed signs of extreme rage I said very rapidly:

‘
Now calm down and be sensible — you
must
realise that this
kind of aggressive behaviour does neither of us any good. What
happened to your new year’s resolution to reform?’

‘
You’ve just wiped it out by continuing to disapprove of every-
thing I do! There’s no pleasing you, is there? I live in sin with
Dinkie and you storm and rage until Mum shuts you up, but when
I try to do the moral thing and marry, you sulk and skulk in
corners!’

‘
If I’m lukewarm about your news it’s only because I don’t think
she can make you happy.’

‘
If you married a pregnant woman, why shouldn’t I do the
same?’

‘Are you trying to tell
me —’

‘
Yes. She’s pregnant.’

‘
Are you sure?’

‘
God, what a
bloody
thing to say!’

‘I’m merely trying to uncover the truth!’

‘
The truth is that I’m in the process of saving Dinkie just as you
saved Mum! Dinkie’s had an awful
life,
she’s vulnerable, she’s
lonely, she needs a lot of love and security — and by living with her and looking after her, I’ve actually
done her good.
So if you
think I’m just an immoral bastard screwing her for kicks —’

‘
Does she take drugs?’

‘
Of course not!’ But the denial was too fervent to be plausible,
and when he saw I
was
unconvinced he added quickly: ‘Not hard
drugs. Just pot occasionally. But everyone ‘does that nowadays.’

‘
Everyone most certainly does not! And I won’t tolerate any
drug-taking under this roof!’

‘
You don’t tolerate anything under this roof!’

‘
I don’t tolerate self-destructive behaviour, and you wouldn’t
respect me if I did!’

‘
I’d respect you if you could admit the truth — which is that by
living with Dinkie I’ve actually done her good!’

‘
If you really wanted to do that pathetic young woman good,’
I said,
’you’d love her without exploiting her. Obviously you need
to justify your immorality by seeing yourself
as a
hero, but Dinkie’s
not marrying you because you’re heroic — she’s marrying you
because you’re the first man who’s ever been fool enough to
propose!’

Lyle walked into the room just as Michael began to hurl unprint
able abuse at me.

‘
It’s suddenly occurred to me,’ she said to Michael
as
he at once
fell silent, ‘that it might be better if you dined out. In fact I believe
Dinkie’s now keen to do so. We’ve just finished our little talk
together in my sitting-room.’

Michael was confused. ‘But what did you say to her?’

‘
I pointed out that a meal from the deep-freeze would be rather an anti-climax after champagne and I told her about the wonderful food at the Crusader. No, don’t worry about money — dinner’s or
us, of course, and your father will pay for your night at a hotel
too.’

‘
But Mum —’

‘
Darling, it was wonderful to see you but let’s be absolutely
clear-eyed for a moment, shall
we? You know you can’t stay the
night here — you’ll want to share a room with Dinkie and that
would be wrong because your father’s forbidden it and since in
his house he’s entitled to make the rules. So you’ll have to go to
a
hotel anyway, and although I could give you both dinner I’m
not sure that would be a wise move. Just think: if you and your father are quarrelling now, after only five minutes together, ho’
on earth could you survive a full hour in the dining-room? Sc
darling, bearing in mind all these awful truths, don’t you think ii
would be much nicer for Dinkie if you dined at ... no, not the
Crusader. Too square. How about a romantic candle-lit dinner at
La Belle Époque in Chasuble Lane? Go up to my sitting-room to
have a word with her about it.’

‘Okay, but –’

‘
And never forget, darling, that your father and I both desper
ately want you to be happy. Don’t we, Charles?’

‘Yes, ‘ I said.

Michael ignored me, gave her a look in which suspicion and
relief were fleetingly intermingled, and withdrew from the room
without further argument. I promptly collapsed into the nearest
chair and covered my face with my hands.

‘
Where’s your current drink, Charles?’ said Lyle briskly. ‘So far
I’ve found one in the hall and one in the kitchen, neither of them
finished. Are there any more?’

‘
No.’ I let my hands fall. ‘What happened between you and
Dinkie?’

‘
Oh, she was no trouble at all. I dealt with her very quickly.’
Sheer admiration enabled me to exclaim: ‘How?’

‘
I said: "How wonderful of you to want to marry Michael even
though he’ll never have a penny more than he earns as a producer
– such a shame the BBC arc so stingy to their employees!" and
she said: "But he’ll have lots of money in the end, won’t he, because
the Bishop’s rich." At which point I said: "Oh no, my dear, we
don’t even own our own house, and as the Church is even stingier
than the BBC the Bishop’s constantly worrying about how to make
both ends meet."‘

‘
But my capital – my private income – Michael must have told
her –’

‘
Oh, I just said it was almost all gone. All right, I know that
was a fib, but if the Jesuits can say "the ends justify the means" I
don’t see why I can’t do the same –’

‘But what end did you eventually reach?’

The one we want. After I’d trapped Dinkie into revealing her
mercenary motive I said kindly: "If I were you I’d take an interest in Robert Welbeck. He’s much the richest young man in Marina Markhampton’s set, and has an income which I happen to know
is over twenty thousand pounds a year." I paused to let that sink
in and then I added: "Net."‘

I was so dazed that all I could say was: ‘Is that true or false?’

‘
True. Dinkie was stunned. "Gee, I had no idea!" she said, and
I answered with immense sympathy: "I’m afraid in England gentle
men don’t talk about their incomes. So tiresome of them, isn’t it?"
We ended up sitting on the sofa together and chatting like lifelong
friends.’

Words finally failed me.

‘
Of course she tried to tell me she
was
pregnant,’ said Lyle as
an afterthought, ‘but I soon got her to admit the pregnancy is
mere wishful thinking. The situation’s simply this: she’s in her mid-twenties, time’s ticking on and she knows she’s got to get a
husband before the eligible men start regarding her as a has-been.
I think she does like Michael, I’ll say that for her, and I’m sure
she’s grateful that he’s given her free lodgings for so long, but the
truth is she’s exploiting his idealistic infatuation, and I’m sure that
if he thinks she’s been faithful to him, he’s deceiving himself. God
knows what she gets up to when he goes away on location to
shoot the outdoor scenes for his dramas, but of course poor
Michael, welded to his idealism, would have overlooked all the signs of infidelity.’

‘If she’s been seeing other men while living with Michael she must be very disturbed.’ For the first time I caught a glimpse of
Dinkie not as a stereotype but
as a
complex human being whose
behaviour was more of a mystery than I had ever bothered to imagine. ‘I hope she doesn’t start taking hard drugs when things
don’t work out
as
she wants,’ I said, troubled. ‘I hope this isn’t
the beginning of a road to disaster.’

‘Oh, don’t be so stupid, Charles, of course it isn’t! The girl’s a
classic gold-digger, tough as old boots, and in the end she’ll nail
a rich husband and live happily ever after. No chance of
that
one ever dying young of an overdose of heroin!’

I made no attempt to argue because by that time my thoughts
had returned to Lyle’s Machiavellian machinations. ‘Wait a
moment,’ I said. ‘Isn’t there something you’ve forgotten? How’s
Michael going to forgive you for pointing Dinkie at Robert
Welbeck?’

‘Very easily because I’m now ninety-nine per cent sure that I was right and he came down here panting to be rescued from the
whole ghastly mess. His idealistic dream of
"saving" Dinkie proved
impossible to endure in reality ... Charles, if you’re going to light
that cigarette you’d better do so before you tear it to pieces.’

I took off my clerical collar before flicking open my lighter. ‘But
if what you say is true,’ I said at last, ‘why was Michael so angry
with me for opposing the marriage?’

‘
Because he knew you were right and he couldn’t stand it.’

‘
But why couldn’t he have talked to me honestly?’ I was in
despair. Finally I said: ‘I just don’t understand where I’ve gone
wrong with that boy.’

‘Oh God.’

‘I’ve tried so hard to be a good father –’

‘
Look, you need a drink – and for heaven’s sake don’t abandon
this one when it’s only half-finished. Come and sit in the kitchen
with me while I cook dinner.’

I stood up obediently but I was
still
grappling with despair. ‘If
only I could understand what it all means –’

‘
Darling, it means absolutely nothing except that parenthood
can be hell and young men can make damned fools of themselves
over tarts.’ She paused to give me a kiss. ‘It’ll all come right,’ she said at last, and added with unexpected fierceness: ‘I’ll
make
it all
come right.’

We were just embracing each other as if to crush out my misery
when yet again the telephone started to ring.