My chest hurt from everything I was feeling. The anger. The rage. The sadness and fear. All of it pressed down on me like a weight I feared would never leave.
“Honey, maybe we should get you something to eat since you’re probably starving and I think those two drinks are having an effect on you?”
I waved her off, needing to say what was on my mind, even if she didn’t understand what I meant and even if I sounded like a fucking madman.
“Now after all that we’ve been through, my father has his hand in more pain for us. Another son. Like we need another brother. Of course, Kane wanted to find out about him. For all that tough façade he has, inside he’s still that kid whose mother emotionally beat him up every day of his life because of who his father was. He’s still that bastard Cassian March didn’t claim. I should have known that one day he’d want to find Sebastian.”
“You couldn’t have stopped him, Cash.”
I turned to face her and winced. “I should have, though. Do you know how long I’ve known about the other ones? It feels like all my life I’ve known Stefan and I weren’t the only kids he had. For me, it was easy not to think of them. I didn’t want to go through everything we went through when Kane came into our lives.”
“But that turned out good for all three of you. Maybe this thing with Sebastian could turn out good too.”
“Yeah, because it’s gone swimmingly so far. He’s a fall down drunk and a thief who got Kane shot because he owed some guy money he cheated him out of. Hell, he may be more like my father than any of us, Olivia.”
She pulled me to her and hugged me, probably worried I was going to spin out of control at any minute. Maybe I would. I didn’t know how to handle what was happening with Kane. I’d gone from resenting him, to tolerating him, to liking the son of a bitch at times, to honestly loving him like a brother. I didn’t know how to deal with the real possibility that tomorrow he might not be here anymore.
And that it would be just Stefan and me again because there was no way in hell I was ever going to accept Sebastian as my brother. I didn’t care that he looked like my father or had his DNA swirling inside him.
“It’s going to be okay, Cash,” she said as she softly ran her hands over my back. “He’s going to be okay.”
But what if he wasn’t?
“I don’t know what to do, Olivia. I’m angry, sad, and scared to death all at the same time. I wasn’t even like this when Kane got arrested.”
She leaned away from me and smiled, gently stroking the side of my face. “Well, then you knew what to do. You got the lawyer to do his job, threw money at the problem, and waited for it to be solved.”
“That’s me, huh? Shallow prick who solves problems by tossing money at them?” I asked as I hung my head.
“No, that’s not who you are, but then you had a way of fixing the problem. That’s who you are, Cash. You handle things, but now you can’t. Now you have to leave it up to Kane to fix this. You don’t think he will?”
I closed my eyes and thought about Abbi and those two beautiful kids of his. “If there’s a way for him to get past this and be with Abbi, Annalea, and Liam, I think he’s going to fight like he’s never fought for anything before in his life. I’m just worried there is no way, that the second that bullet entered his body, he had all his choices taken away from him, and for what?”
It always came back to that question. Kane had possibly given up everything for some guy who he shared a father with. A father who never fucking cared enough to be there for either one of them.
Olivia softly kissed my lips and whispered, “For family. It’s why all three of you brothers do nearly everything.”
“Ironic, isn’t it? We come from the world’s worst father, yet we all value family enough to risk everything for it.”
“Your father may have been the world’s worst, but your mother is pretty damn terrific. You get your love of family from her, Cash, not from your father. Alexandria deserves all the credit.”
I nodded and thought about how much my mother had been through because of my father, and yet still she considered Kane her son like Stefan and me. And I knew if Kane became close to Sebastian, she’d accept him eventually too. She’d probably even push for me to come around about him.
No matter how I felt about Sebastian, I hoped Kane had the chance to try to convince me too.
My cell rang, and I saw it was my mother calling. Answering, I heard panic in her voice. “Cassian, you need to get back to the hospital.”
“Why? Did something happen?” Fear tore through me at the thought that Kane had taken a turn for the worse.
“They had to take Kane back into surgery. He went into cardiac arrest. Abbi needs you and Stefan. Tell Olivia I’ll watch the baby so she and Shay can get there too.”
I ended the call, feeling like the world had begun spinning out of control. Olivia hurried to get Cassian ready to go to my mother’s as I prayed to God I got to my brother in time.
Kane
T
he touch of Abbi’s hand
on mine told me I was still okay. At least I wanted to believe I was, but the sound of beeping machines and people yelling made me think things were anything but okay.
As long as I felt Abbi’s hand holding mine, I didn’t worry.
I tried to remember what happened, but my thoughts were hazy, like my brain was disconnected. I was at Sebastian’s trying to convince him to give up stealing for a living. Some guy busted in demanding money from him. I wanted to give him what I had to at least give Sebastian some time.
After that, everything went dark. I remembered a popping sound and a smell I hadn’t experienced in years. Then nothing, other than the feel of Abbi’s hand touching mine as she talked about Annalea and Liam. I wanted to open my eyes and tell her I loved her, but I couldn’t do either.
I knew by the sound of her voice that something was wrong. I always knew when she was unhappy, even if I couldn’t see her face. I hated hearing her sound like that because it was always from something I’d done. No one else in the world made her sad like I did.
It wasn’t something I ever wanted to do. I never set out to hurt her, but I was so fucked up even now that sometimes I made the wrong decisions or said the wrong thing. Or I lied to her, although I knew she hated when I did that. But I lied to protect her, never to make her sad.
Suddenly, I felt her hand drift away, leaving me cold and alone. I wanted to scream, “Don’t go! Stay. No matter what I did, I’ll fix it, Abbi. I promise I will!”
But I couldn’t cry out. I couldn’t move. All the yelling and beeping grew louder and louder. Who were these people and what were they saying? Everything sounded frantic and garbled.
Was I dreaming? Was that why I couldn’t speak or see?
My heart raced as I tried to wake up, pounding harder than it ever had before. I felt like my chest might explode. I had to calm down or I’d have a damn heart attack. Was I dreaming all of this? What was that thing I heard once about dying in a dream meant you died in real life? Or was it falling?
Fuck! And then there was nothing. No sound. No beeping or screaming. Nothing.
I opened my eyes, and before me I saw a beautiful sunny day. I stood in the dirt near second base on a baseball field, just off the perfectly green grass. No one else was there with me. No players, no spectators. Nobody.
Just me.
Where was I? I looked around and wondered if I was still dreaming.
“This isn’t a dream. Well, not technically,” a deep voice said, answering my unspoken question.
I spun around to see him standing there like we belonged together on a baseball diamond. Since I’d never even seen a game with him, much less played baseball together, I had to wonder why I was there with him at all.
“Because this is what you wanted when you were seven. To play baseball and have your father there to see you.”
The memory of me begging my mother to let me play on the local team flashed through my mind as vividly as if it had happened just seconds before. I wanted to play more than anything, but she said no. I never told her I wanted my father to see me play. I knew better.
A feeling of sadness filled me at the memory. “I never did get to play.”
My father nodded, a frown etched into his features. “I wouldn’t have come to see you anyway, if that means anything.”
I looked around as my chest began to ache. “If this is a dream, it sucks. Nothing like being told the one person you desperately wanted to love you wouldn’t have given a damn.”
“This isn’t a dream, Kane.”
“Okay, Cassian. What is it then?” I asked as I headed toward the outfield to lie down in that green grass that looked so inviting.
He followed me, but probably not for the same reason. “It’s sort of a dream but more of a vision.”
Looking back at him, I grimaced at the thought that my father had chosen now to visit me. “So now I’m now having visions? Why?”
“Because you can.”
I sat down on that perfect green grass, loving the feel of its coolness against my palms, and looked up at him. “And why’s that?”
“Because you’re dead.”
He said those words like they weren’t supposed to scare the hell out of me. “What? No! I’m not dead. Why would you say that?”
“Well, not exactly. We don’t have a lot of time, so listen to me. I want to tell you something. I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time, and since you’re here now, let me say this.”
I jumped to my feet, looking for a way out of this fucking nightmare. “Say whatever you want, but I’m going home.”
My father touched my arm, stopping me cold. “Then let me say this before you go wherever you’re off to.”
I didn’t like the way this was sounding. Why wasn’t I going home?
“Okay.” Maybe listening to what he had to say was how I could get out of there.
He took a deep breath and shook his head like he didn’t want to say what was on his mind. “Of all my kids, you got the worst of it, Kane. I know a big part of that was my fault, but you got a double negative in your parents. All the others had mothers who made up for what I lacked. You had the bad luck to have one who didn’t.”
I choked back emotion, not even sure why what he was saying bothered me. It wasn’t like any of this was news to me.
“What I tried to do when you had to go to jail was to make up for all that I’d done wrong, but I know it wasn’t enough. I’ve had a lot of time to figure that out.”
“Here in heaven?”
As soon as the words left my mouth, the baseball field and beautiful day full of blue skies disappeared and suddenly we were standing in a white room. I spun around to figure out what had happened, but my father stood as still as a statue, unfazed by the change.
“Not exactly heaven.”
“Stop saying not exactly, damnit! What’s happening?”
He screwed his face into an expression like he’d just eaten something terrible. “You’re in cardiac arrest. Whether you die now or not isn’t in your hands anymore, so I better finish what I was saying.”
I felt my chest tighten. “Cardiac arrest? How?”
My father took hold of my arm and instantly calmed me. “Listen to what I have to say. You’ve gotten past what your mother and I did to you. You’ve got a beautiful wife you love and two wonderful kids. I know why you wanted to find Sebastian, but don’t jeopardize your happiness to make up for my failures. He didn’t have the childhood you did. He’ll be okay. Don’t make a mistake you won’t be able to come back from, even if it’s for the right reasons.”
“I didn’t want him to go through life not knowing he had brothers,” I explained. “I just thought he should know.”
Cassian shook his head. “He’s not like you, Kane. I knew when he was born that he’d be okay. He had a mother and father who loved him. He never went without because I wasn’t around, like you did.”
A light began to flood the room, and slowly I began to lose sight of him. “What’s happening now?” I asked. “Am I dying?”
I didn’t want to die. I wanted to go back to my life with Abbi and our children. To working with Cash at the restaurant. To everything I hadn’t accomplished yet.
As he faded away, he said, “I don’t know. I just know our time is up now. Remember what I said, Kane. I’m sorry for never being there for you. I’m sorry you didn’t get to play baseball or see the mountains or hear me say I was proud of you. I am, though.”
I didn’t know how he knew that I had wished for all those things when I was a growing up. I didn’t know what was happening or how I had gotten to speak to my father again.
All I knew was I wanted to return to Abbi and feel the touch of her hand on mine. I wanted to see my kids again and hold them in my arms.
I wanted to live.
Kane
S
lowly, I opened my eyes
to see Abbi staring at me and smiling, her beautiful blue eyes wide with concern. She did that a lot these days since I came home from the hospital. For the first couple months, I don’t think she slept a night all the way through. I’d wake up and see her watching me, afraid that I might stop breathing at some point as I slept.
It wasn’t until right around Christmas that she trusted I’d be okay if she closed her eyes. I hated that she worried about me. She didn’t have to. The doctor had told her that over and over, but it didn’t seem to matter.
“Good morning,” she said sweetly.
“Good morning. Did you get a full night’s sleep?” I asked, hoping to hear she had.
She kissed me softly on the lips and nodded. “I have to take care of the kids. We have a big day ahead of us today. Cash’s party begins at noon, so there’s no rest for the wicked.”
I knew what that answer meant. She hadn’t slept much. Again.
As she turned to slip out of bed, I slid my arm around her waist and pulled her back toward me. “Where are you going in such a hurry? I don’t hear either of the kids making any noise yet.”
She smiled in that way that never failed to make my heart flutter and said, “I figured I’d get a jump on the day.”
“I’d rather you get a jump on me,” I said with a wink.
Lifting her so she sat on top of me, I ran my hands down her sides until I reached her hips. After months of waiting because of my injury, I was done being a patient. I wanted to be a husband and a man again.