Accepting His Terms (16 page)

She went to the closet and chose a pair of black slacks, topping them with a lime green sweater. It was late winter, almost spring in Tennessee. She had lost the baby in the early fall, and had ignored all the holidays. Oh, she had attended the family functions, but had been in a daze throughout the entire season. Jarrod had taken care of the gift buying and every other aspect of the many things that needed to be done. What she had put him through. Could she ever make it up to him?

As she brushed her long, red hair and applied a minimum of makeup to her face, she looked in the mirror. Dark circles under her eyes had been covered by the makeup. The bright, sparkling blue eyes were now dull and the lips that had turned up in a smile so easily now looked solemn. What had she done to herself?

Grabbing her purse and her black leather jacket, she walked into the hallway. Jarrod walked out of his room at the exact same time and for the first time in months, her heart stopped as she allowed her gaze to wander over his magnificent features. He was dressed in black slacks and a maroon sweater, his dark hair styled to perfection. As he smiled at her, his gray-blue eyes told her he was still hers.

“Are you ready to go?” he asked cheerily as he extended his arm.

Taking the arm he offered, she smiled up at him and replied in a voice as soft as velvet, “I’m ready.”

On the drive to the winery, she popped a CD into the player. They rode in silence for a few minutes before she said, “Thanks for suggesting this dinner.”

He looked over at her and replied, “You don’t have to thank me. I’m your husband and I want to take you out.”

“Still, you’re making the effort after all I’ve put you through.”

“Baby, I would move heaven and earth to ease your pain. Don’t you know that by now? It’s my job to know what you need, to protect you, and to take care of you. I failed miserably and I intend to rectify that, starting tonight.”

“You didn’t fail me, Jarrod.”

“Oh, yes, in a way I did, but no serious discussions tonight. I have the feeling you and Mom did enough of that this afternoon. Am I right?”

“We did and I’m glad we did. I am finally ready to start putting my life back together again. I can’t make any promises but it’s my hope that I can put all this behind me and move forward.”

“I’m here…whatever you need. I won’t push you and I won’t expect anything more than what you feel you can give to this marriage right now. I want you to be whole again and I want to take care of you.”

“I couldn’t ask for anything more. You’ve always known exactly what it is I need, even to the extreme of moving out of our bedroom. I needed that. I’m sorry, but it’s the truth.”

“Maybe I didn’t fail you as much as I thought I did then,” he replied with a grin.

“Now, no more serious talk tonight, you said we’re celebrating my first good day.”

“That’s right. This will be like a whole other first date for us.”

“Only it won’t end like the other one, I’m afraid.”

“I didn’t expect it to. When are you going to realize, I love you and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get us back?” he asked sadly.

“I think I realized that today, in your office,” she replied as he pulled into the parking lot.

He shut the car off, turned to her and said, “We’re going to be all right. It may take time and a lot of effort and a lot more bad days, but we will be okay.”

“I… still… love you, Jarrod. Don’t ever doubt that.”

“I don’t,” he said softly as he got out of the car and walked around to open her door.

They walked into the restaurant and the hostess seated them immediately, as he’d called ahead before leaving the office.

“This is the same table we had before. Did you plan that?” she asked after the hostess had seated them and taken their drink orders.

He grinned mischievously and answered with a question, “Would you be impressed if I said yes?”

“I think I would,” she replied with a genuine smile.

“Yes, there it is, the beautiful Jill smile. I’ve missed that so much.”

She giggled. “Yeah, I’ll just bet you have, like you’ve missed my hair twisting, my lip biting, and my hand wringing. Do you miss anything else?”

He looked at her face before replying, “I miss it all, baby, but that doesn’t mean we have to go back there. We said in the beginning, only what we’re both comfortable with.”

“Where did I find you?” she asked.

“I believe on the other side of an elevator door…”

She laughed easily with him for the first time in many months. They ordered dinner and talked about first one thing and then another.

“So Jan and Bryan are still together,” she remarked. “She was surprised to hear I hadn’t noticed.”

“They are still together, but I don’t think it’s serious, at least not yet,” he informed her.

“I need to have lunch with her soon. She and I really need to talk about all this but I’m not ready.”

“I’ll speak to her and make her understand. I told you I’d be the buffer for you with your family and the staff. I don’t think you need one with my mom.”

“Your mom may be the only person I can really talk to right now.”

“I’ve talked to both our dads a lot over the past few months,” he admitted.

“You have?” she asked.

“Your dad has great insight on the type of relationship we shared, you know. My dad has been through the grief that you and I have been through so each of them, in his own way, has provided me with some good advice.”

“I’m glad you could talk to someone. I, on the other hand, couldn’t talk about it. Not until today. When you talked to me in your office, it made something click, made me see it was time to find my way back.”

“Oh, baby, I’m so glad. Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you in the morning?”

“I’m sure. I have to do this alone, at least the first few times. At some point, you can accompany me to an appointment.”

“I’ve seen a counselor.”

“What did you say?” she asked in a shocked whisper.

“I saw a counselor a few months ago, after the holidays. Not the same one you’ll be seeing. You’ll be seeing a female therapist. I saw a man who helped me work through some of my grief and advised me to give you your space.”

“Did he help you?” she asked.

“He did. He made me aware that each person deals with grief in a different way and each person needs to heal in their own time.”

“That’s why you’ve been so patient with me?”

“It helped, yes,” he replied.

“I’ve been in such a fog. I feel like today, for the first time, that fog is starting to lift.”

“It’s a good feeling, isn’t it?” he asked softly.

“Yes, it’s a very good feeling.”

After their dinner arrived, they were quiet for a while. Finally, she said, “Jarrod, thank you for everything: the waiting, the understanding, the chat today, and for this lovely evening.”

“You don’t have to thank me. I’m doing what I think you need. That’s my job, remember? I do it all because I love you.”

She smiled at him across the table and took a sip of wine. The smile he gave her in return melted her heart.

When dinner ended and they drove across town to their beautiful home, he walked her up the stairs. Outside her door, he stood with her.

“Sweet dreams, baby. I hope you get some sleep tonight. I’m sure there have been nights you haven’t.”

“I will sleep tonight, I’m sure of it,” she replied as she tilted her face up and gazed into his eyes. She wanted him to kiss her. Just a kiss, a goodnight kiss full of promise. That’s what she needed. Was he still in tune with her enough to see it?

She smiled when he touched her cheek softly and tilted her chin up. As he leaned in and kissed her gently on the lips, she moaned and put her arms around his neck, begging for more. He didn’t disappoint her. The kiss was all she had hoped it would be. Sensuous, yet not demanding, and when it ended, he told her goodnight and walked across the hall to his own bedroom.

They still had it! She knew as she got ready for bed, they still had a chance. He was still hers and she was still his.

Chapter Twenty

The first therapy session behind her, Jill went into work. She unlocked the door to her office and after pouring herself a cup of coffee, she sat down at her desk. It was time for quiet reflection, time to think about the hour she’d just spent with Andrea, her therapist. She’d liked Andrea immediately, a woman with a warm, easy way about her. Andrea had listened, had asked questions, and had given her some things to think about. She was to see her again in a week.

Feeling optimistic, she turned on her computer and began to look at the designs she’d worked on the previous morning. So many things had changed since then. She’d talked to Jarrod, and to Grace, she’d spent the evening on a ‘date’ with her husband, and she’d found a newfound hope for the future. Andrea was going to help her, she knew from the minute she’d left her office, things were going to get better.

After finishing the work she’d started the day before, she picked up her desk phone and rang her husband’s extension. He didn’t pick up so she got up and walked out into the hallway to ask Susie where he was.

“Susie, do you know where Jarrod is?” she asked as she reached his assistant’s desk.

“He said something about an errand to run and that he wouldn’t be gone long,” Susie replied with a smile.

“Okay, thank you.” She turned to go and Susie stopped her.

“Jill, you look nice today.”

She smiled and replied, “Thanks, I feel good, better than I have in a long time.”

“It shows, and I just want you to know, if there’s anything I can ever do to help you, please tell me. I know the past few months have been terrible and I didn’t say anything before because I didn’t think you wanted to talk about it.”

“I appreciate that, and things are getting better.”

“Do you want me to let Jarrod know you’re looking for him when he gets back?”

“I’m sure he’ll find me,” she replied with a smile. She
was
sure. She knew he would want to know about her session.

She went back to her office and began to work on some budgeting while waiting for her husband to return from his errand.

An hour later, as she stood up and walked to the coffeepot to get another cup, there was a gentle knock on her door.

“Come in,” she called out. When she turned around, her heart stopped as her gorgeous husband entered the office.

“Sorry I wasn’t here when you got back. I had some things to take care of.”

“It’s okay. I knew you’d find me when you could,” she replied. “Would you like some coffee? I just made a fresh pot a little while ago.”

“No, thanks, but I
would
like to hear about your morning. Are you okay?”

She sat down in her desk chair as he sat in the chair opposite her. She took a sip of her hot drink before replying. Finally, she said, “My morning went well. I think Andrea and I will get along just fine. I’ve even gotten some work done since I got back.”

Breathing a audible sigh of relief, he replied, “I’m glad to hear it. I’ll let you get back to work. I don’t want to take up too much of your time.”

“You don’t have to tread so lightly anymore, Jarrod.”

He turned around and said, “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying I’m on my way back. Really, and although I may not be ready to step back into the dutiful role of wife in all senses of the word, I’m getting stronger and you don’t have to leave me alone, nor do you have to walk on eggshells around me.”

She grinned as he made his way to her within seconds. Pulling her out of her chair, he crushed her to him in a hug so endearing she thought she would cry. Kissing the top of her head, he said, “I love you.”

When he let her go and walked quietly out of her office, she sat down and smiled.

****

The weeks passed and her sessions with Andrea were helping. Andrea made her see that her grief was normal, and she also made her see that shutting Jarrod and everyone who loved her out was her way of coping with her pain. They discussed the fact that it was time to move on. She would never forget the tiny baby, who never had a chance to see the world, but she could move forward and there might be other babies in her life that she would love just as much.

She made an appointment with her doctor and discussed the possibility of becoming pregnant again. As before, the doctor assured her that the chances of another miscarriage were slim.

She even asked Jan to accompany her to lunch one day.

“I’m so glad you finally agreed to have lunch with me,” Jan said as they sat down.

“I’m sorry it’s taken me so long, sis,” she replied.

“I know you’ve had a hard time dealing with…”

“It’s okay. You can say the word miscarriage. I’m okay,” Jill replied.

“Are you really okay? And are you and Jarrod okay?”

“I’m getting there. As for Jarrod and me, no, we aren’t completely okay yet, but I have every reason to think we will be.”

“He’s a good man, Jill.”

“I know he is and I’m going to do everything in my power to make up to him for all the horrible things I’ve put him through.”

“He doesn’t blame you, you know,” Jan pointed out.

“I know and for that I love him all the more. I turned away from him, the one man who could have helped me through this. I drove him out of our bed.”

“Oh, sis, I had no idea it was that bad.”

“It was, I’m afraid, but we’re going to be all right. We both want to make this marriage work and I believe we will.”

“I believe you will too.”

“Now catch me up on your romance. Jarrod said you and Bryan are still together but he didn’t think it was serious. Is it serious?”

“Yes and no. We aren’t intimate, but we enjoy being together and neither of us wants to see anyone else. I think we’re just not ready for anything more yet,” Jan replied.

“Well, if you’re not ready, take your time.”

“We are and we’ve discussed it at great length. We’ll know when the time is right. We’ll either move to the next level or we’ll call it quits.”

“You’re pretty smart, sis.”

“Thanks, now what are we having for lunch? I’m starving,” Jan said as she picked up her menu.