Accessory: The Scarab Beetle Series: #4 (The Academy) (28 page)

“Maybe I’m wrong.” His lips puckered against my skin, closer to my temple. “I just get the feeling the real reason you’ve been sleeping so much the past couple of weeks has been to ignore everything, and everyone. At first, I didn’t blame you. Now I wondered if I wasn’t doing more harm allowing it and not getting you help.”

“You can’t control me,” I said. I backed away a little and looked up, wanting to be angry, to push him off. I couldn’t. His eyes were a blaze of lightning that was mesmerizing. He was angry with himself. “You have no control over my feelings or how I do things. If I want to spiral into a depression and completely fall off the face of the planet--” I didn’t know what I was saying. I just wanted him to know I wasn’t in control of my feelings but he couldn’t stop it or blame himself.

A low growl vibrated through his chest. He moved his hands until he held me at my ribs, almost pulling me up off the ground. “Not around me,” he said. “And if I have to fucking break down that stubborn, angry streak you have just to make sure you don’t, you better believe, I’ll break you. I’ll tear it all out and then rebuild until you’re back to who you really are.”

I gripped at the shirt on his chest, holding onto him, worried if he let go that I’d fall. “Axel,” I said, growling right back. “You don’t know who I really am. You don’t know anything--”

Axel pushed his lips to mine, fighting me when I tried to talk around his mouth. Whatever I had been going to say was lost.

At first, I was angry. I kissed hard, almost biting him. I dug my fingernails into his chest through the stupid polo shirt. I was going to kiss him until he gave in and couldn’t handle it.

Axel fought back. His hands on my ribs slid down to my butt and he gripped at my hips. He started to pull me down.

I wasn’t prepared for it and my loafers were slippery on the mat. I landed on my back, a bit of wind knocked out of me. I coughed. Stupid shoes. I hate loafers.

Axel caught himself in a sort of push up, one of his thighs between my legs. He looked up at my face and then bent his neck, looking at my body. “Are you hurt?”

“Stop asking me if I’m okay,” I said, pushing up at his shoulders. I wanted to get up so I could cover my butt. I was feeling exposed. It didn’t help that his knee was in my crotch.

He grabbed my wrists and pinned them to the mat. “I will ask,” he said. His smoky voice a deep growl again. “I’ll ask you every damn day until I hear an honest answer.”

“Are
you
hurt?” I fired back at him. I was tired of being drilled for answers. I didn’t know what he wanted me to say. “Are
you
okay? How are
you
feeling?”

He frowned, and then bent his head until his lips traced mine as he whispered. “Like you’re gripping the heart in my chest and squeezing.” He backed his head up until his lips shifted down. He spoke, lips drifted smoothly against my skin as he trailed down toward my neck. “You won’t just take it. But you should; I’m not saving it for anyone else.”

I tilted my head back, closing my eyes as he kissed my neck. I lost track of why I was fighting him at all.

“You just hang on to it and tease it and then...” He kissed my neck again, teeth grazing, sending my insides to sparking like the storm behind his eyes.

I strained against his wrists, for no other reason than he was holding me down, caging me in and I needed to move, to expend some energy. I was absorbing the lightning without release.

“No,” he said, and then brought his head up until he was nose to nose with me. “I’m not done. You’re going to hear me out. Unless you tell me you don’t want me, that you want me to get up and walk away.”

I forced myself to stop struggling, to just look up at him. I didn’t want him to walk away. I was...scared. I was afraid to say no to anyone, maybe because I didn’t believe they’d stay if they knew the truth about how I felt. So I was hanging onto everyone and everything and just hoping I didn’t end up alone. Like Wil, out there on his own. Like my father. There were people who needed me and I had walked away. People could do that to me. They would. Anytime they wanted. No one needed me.

It was more than that, too. Axel was right. I didn’t want to love. I didn’t want to hurt his heart like I knew I would, so I had refused it. I kept them all away from me and had dragged out my sickness. It was against my nature to be like that. But it had felt safe to not get involved, to not feel.

He bent his head again, putting his mouth over mine. “I’m going to assume if you’re not telling me to leave, you’re telling me to stay.”

I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t. My lips refused to move. I was too stubborn even though I hated it. Why was telling people what I wanted so difficult?

He lowered his head and kissed me. Slower this time. He released my wrists to hold himself up with his elbows over me. He shifted his knee deeper into my crotch, pushing it tight against my bare parts.

My hips moved against his, grinding. I couldn’t control it. I kissed him back and my newly freed hands gripped his shoulders and then moved up his neck. I was rough, gripping, squeezing, clawing.

He moved his other leg between mine, and then shifted until his crotch was pushing up against me. The action wedged his legs under my thighs. It picked my hips up off the floor. His hands moved down to my thighs, pushing up the hem of the dress as he gripped me as hard as I held on to his shoulders.

I broke the kiss, dizzy and gasping as I needed more air. My eyes rolled up so I closed them.

He pushed my chin back with his cheek and then kissed my neck. He drew in the skin, sucking hard. He used his teeth in in a trail of gentle bites all the way to my shoulder. His hands held onto my butt and he ground his body into mine. I felt his hard cock pushing up against me, rubbing at my nakedness.

There was a commotion in the hallway just outside the door. Axel growled and jumped up quickly. He raced for the door.

Too late. There was a gentle knock at the door right before it opened and a woman in a black uniform poked her head in.

I sat up in a hurry and couldn’t get the corduroy dress to straighten out properly, flashing the woman the goods.

Axel got into her way. “Excuse us,” he said. He blocked her entrance, holding onto the door and gently trying to push her back out.

“Oh!” The woman waved her hand and her face turned red. “I’m so sorry. I thought...if someone had sent their kids...and they were alone...”

“No,” Axel said. “Just us. We’ll leave.”

She nodded and walked away. I got up on my knees. I flattened out the dress and straightened the glasses again. I could set myself on fire for how embarrassed I was.

“Wrong place,” Axel said, holding the door closed, as if making sure no one else could come inside.

“We need to get back to work,” I said, trying to calm my heart and the heat in my face. Now the crew was going to hear about the friends of Ethan’s trying to get it on in the children’s play room. At least our boyfriend and girlfriend act would be secure.

“I meant what I said,” Axel said. He blocked the door, putting his back to it. “I’m tired of pussyfooting. I’m tired of this space between us we’ve created. I don’t want it. I don’t want to think of kissing you and not being able to. I’m not used to holding back.”

“Why have you?” I asked.

“I thought you were sick.”

“No,” I said, hating to say it and yet, I felt I had to. “We were
both
sick, remember? But I was always around. You would ask me how I was, and then would walk away. Yes, I didn’t feel good, but it was Raven and the others who hung out with me. Marc brought me food. Corey played games with me. Brandon would often join us and Raven watched TV with me. You went to work and I only saw you every once in a while. Maybe they did back off and behave like you asked, but they were there.” I looked at him, meeting his eyes. I hadn’t realized until just then what bugged me about Axel, but it was that he had decided to give me space at all. “Why weren’t you?”

He frowned, shaking his head, but he said nothing.

This hurt, but this whole situation wasn’t only my fault. I cared about Axel, about how he felt, but I also wasn’t going to buy that I had pushed him away every time. Not when he had been avoiding me. He couldn’t tell me that was my fault. I wasn’t the only one pushing away.

But he wasn’t talking now. “We should get back to work,” I said.

He opened the door and we walked along the corridors in silence.

I ignored our luxurious surroundings and turned inward into my own head. No wonder I was so conflicted about them all. Axel openly admitted he cared about me, and yet he was so solitary. I understood he was like that; it was part of what I liked about him. He was mystery and intrigue personified. He was the puzzle I wanted to figure out.

And yet there was Raven, and I adored his willingness to play and fight with me harder than the other boys. Marc made an effort to be nice, cooking for me, even if he hadn’t been allowed to show affection. Brandon pushed me to better myself, to get me to eat right. Corey was always a friend, always willing to play.

And then there was Blake, who had been blocked from access to me and had yet devised a way for us to work together, something they wouldn’t ignore. He might not have done this all just for me, but he had made sure to include me.

My heart was stretched, full. Before, I had Wil. And a father I didn’t really care for but who was still family. Now I had all of these guys around and instead of feeling like I’d split my heart up, or should focus on one of them, it felt like my heart had increased out of proportion, too big for my chest, because it carried all of them.

Axel said nothing to me, but he, too, seemed to be thinking deeply about what had happened. Part of me wished I could have taken it back, but then, I couldn’t, and maybe it was for the best. He’d said there was a separation between us, and there was. I didn’t want to make it worse. I wanted to work with him to get rid of it.

We just didn’t have the time right now.

THE THIEF AMONG US

W
e found Tara Wayward with Mr. Hill and Mr. Kroner next to the large central swimming pool. The beach bunnies and Fancy were splashing their feet in the water and talking amongst themselves. They really were there just for eye candy. There were several men around, talking to each other, but they all watched the girls every once in a while.

Axel and I found another bench overlooking the parking lot and close to where Ms. Wayward was.

My lower abdomen started cramping. I covered it with my arms. I sat as still as I could.

“What’s wrong?” Axel asked.

“The cramps,” I said. “They’re back.”

“Do you need medicine?”

“I don’t know. I’m not nauseated. Just cramping.” I didn’t want to admit that I’d felt nauseated prior to the day room incident. The cramps now weren’t as bad as last time, just really achy. If I stayed still, they seemed to ease. “Just ignore it for now.”

“Let me know if you need to see the doctor.”

I stared out at the parking lot while Axel kept an eye on our target. I was uncomfortable after my conversation with Axel and worried about Blake since I hadn’t heard from him. To distract myself from thinking about relationships, I considered who might have hit him. What had his attacker not wanted him to see? Or was it revenge for something I wasn’t aware of?

Blake said the blond crewman had been walking out of the spa. At the very least, we should check that spa out and find out what Mr. Smith was paying for.

Axel sat next to me. He smiled, although I could tell from his eyes that he was faking it. “We should probably look into the cruise schedule. There’s several public events,” he said. “If Ms. Tara and the others are going to hit the amenities, we should set ourselves up for those, too.”

“Okay,” I said with no real enthusiasm. I thought he was just talking to look like he was talking. No one appeared to be within hearing range.

“Smile, sweetheart. You’re here on vacation.”

I forced a smile.

“Now that is scary.”

I didn’t know what a non-scary smile was so I went for easy-going look rather than an attempt at another smile. I wasn’t really in the mood and being forced to interact with him after such an awkward moment made it hard to concentrate, not to mention the achy cramps. “What do we do now?”

“Wait for everyone else to board,” he said. “At this point, let’s try to make introductions to the right people. Nothing big. Just friendly. Let’s get them to recognize your face.”

“Shouldn’t we find whoever hit Blake?”

“Trust me, the team is already working on it. Right now, you and I can’t do anything. We have to look like we’re here on vacation. You shouldn’t let anyone know that you know what happened to Blake. You have to be available, visible.”

I leaned back against the seat, folding my arms over my stomach. The sleepy feeling from the pill was returning. I wanted to stretch out in the room and nap. “How do you socialize with complete strangers?”

“If we approach people too quickly, it’ll look desperate.”

“Maybe I should be desperate?”

Axel turned his head, looming over me as he sat there. He was supposed to be my boyfriend so he did need to look like it. “What do you mean?”

“Old Mr. Murdock isn’t around,” I said. “Shouldn’t I be more worried about that situation? If I report directly to him as the manager, I should be wanting to find him. Badly.”

His dark eyes scanned the deck of the ship. As I listened to the upbeat music playing from the speakers, I followed his gaze to the pool and the beach bunnies splashing their feet and playing around. Then he looked to another couple coming from inside the ship and heading to the rail to look out.

“Don’t worry about that right now,” he said finally. “We just need to be social and make friends.”

“I don’t make friends,” I said.

He touched his ear. “And we need to change up a little bit.”

“Why?”

“I need to go.” He looked up, his gaze focused.

I turned my head, following to see Brandon approaching. He was smiling, looking fresh, and carrying a bottle of water. “Hey,” he said, waving. He had changed into a red polo and tan slacks. The polo was tight in the shoulders and slimmer at the waist, and made him appear taller. “I thought I recognized you.”