Accidentally Yours (21 page)

“I let Daniel go too easily. You’re his mother and you love him more than anyone ever will. Listen to your heart.”

“It’s breaking. I can’t hear anything but that.”

“Cody is your life, Kerri. It makes sense you don’t want to release him. When he’s gone, you won’t have anything else.”

Not exactly the words of comfort she wanted to hear. She straightened.

“What are you saying? That I’m keeping him around for me? That I’m selfish?”

His dark gaze was steady. “We always keep the dying around for us.”

“Which doesn’t answer the question. You think I’m selfish.”

“I think you’re motivated by the fact that you love
him and want him to live a long, healthy life. But you’ve also made him the center of your universe. When he’s gone, you’ll have no reason to get up in the morning.”

“So I need a hobby or two? You want to compare that to losing a child?”

“You need to live for more than just your son. You get to have a life, too.”

“I don’t want a life,” she snapped. “I want Cody back.”

“I know. I know how it feels. But when he’s gone, then what? Do you die, too? Is that the legacy he leaves behind? Do you think Brian wanted you to bury yourself in grief and raising his child? Do you think he would have been happy to know you haven’t even dated for ten years?”

Kerri wanted to hit him. “You have no right to judge me. None at all.”

“I’m not judging. I’m trying to tell you that there has to be more than just suffering. That whatever happens, you’ll go on living. I’m trying to tell you that I love you and that I want some of that living to be with me.”

He… “What?”

“I love you, Kerri. Hell of a time to tell you, but there we are. I love you. I want the best for you and Cody. I want us to be together. The three of us, if there’s a miracle. If not, then you and I.”

She couldn’t think, couldn’t imagine, couldn’t…anything. “You what?”

His mouth twisted. “I love you. Is that such a surprise?”

Longing swamped her. It was thick and powerful and she was shocked by the intensity of her need to launch herself at him, to tell him she loved him, too, that he was everything to her.

But she couldn’t. There was Cody and that had to be all that mattered. Nathan
knew
that. Why was he doing this to her? Why was he making it harder?

“No,” she said loudly. “I don’t want this. I don’t want you. You already know, so why are you doing this?”

He grabbed her upper arms. “Kerri, you’re not going to be punished for having something for yourself.”

“I am. How dare you talk about us having a life without him?” She jerked free of his touch. “Go away. I don’t want you here. I won’t forgive you for this, Nathan. Not ever. Go.” She sucked in a breath and screamed. “Just
go!
”

He looked at her for a long time. In a way the moment was what she imagined an out-of-body experience to be. She felt strange and light, as if she were floating. As if she were watching from a distance.

She could clearly see herself and Nathan. She saw the pain in his eyes and the way he held himself tensely, as if trying to make sure she didn’t know she’d hit him hard. She saw herself looking angry and crazy—a mother desperate enough to fight anyone to save her son.

She also saw the pain—it was the silent third party in the room. There was longing, too, and need. They could have been so good together, she thought sadly, feeling compassion as if this were a situation that didn’t involve her directly. Now they would have nothing.

Nathan turned and left without saying a word. The out-of-body Kerri watched him go, watched her hand raise slightly, as if she was going to call him back. Then, when she was alone, a huge sob ripped through her body and she collapsed onto the floor. She felt herself fly back into her body, hitting a wall of pain so thick and strong, it would never go away. She cried out desperately and there was no one to hear. No one to comfort her. She’d lost Brian. Cody would be gone in a few days and she’d sent Nathan away. Everyone she’d ever loved would leave her and then she would cease to exist. She would be nothing but a shell with a heart that slowly came to a stop.

A
BRAM STARED
at the computer screen and willed the numbers to change. He stared so hard his eyes blurred, but the numbers stayed as they were—written proof that he had failed.

The door to his lab opened, but he didn’t turn around. There was only one person who would come and check on him in the middle of the night and he was afraid to face her. Afraid to tell her that he had nothing left to give.

Behind him, Linda sighed. “I don’t have to ask. I can see the truth on your face.”

“The boy is dying and I can do nothing to save him.”

“I thought you were giving him new medications and injections.”

“They prolong the inevitable for a few hours. Nothing more. We need to do more than stall the destruction. We need to heal, to make progress.” The room seemed to slip a little. He grabbed the side of his desk. “I can’t save him.”

Linda put her arm around his waist. “You must sleep. You’re exhausted.”

“I have to work.”

“You won’t be any good to anyone like this, Abram. Come on. A few hours of sleep will help.”

He shook his head. “I have to try. Every time I close my eyes, I see his face. It rips at me.” He turned to her. “I have made it personal. Science should never be that.”

“A child’s life is on the line. Of course it’s personal. It only matters if we touch the lives we heal.” She smiled. “I am glad it’s personal to you. Come. Rest. You can be brilliant in the morning.”

He reached out and touched her cheek. “You have always been here for me.”

“Yes, I know. Twenty years of loyalty. I think you owe me a watch or at least a pin.” She smiled as she spoke.

“More than that, I think. You deserve so much more. I want to marry you.” He sighed. “Not that I am so great a prize, but maybe you can make do.”

Her blue eyes brightened with humor and affection. “So romantic, Abram. You don’t want to talk about the stars or loving me forever? Instead you announce you want to marry me then tell me I’m not getting much of a deal?”

He shifted awkwardly. “I should have planned something romantic. Bought flowers.”

“You’re exhausted. What you need is to sleep. We’ll talk about this in the morning and make our plans.”

“Plans?”

“For our wedding.”

He stared at her. “You’re saying yes?”

“I’ve been waiting a long time for you. What else would I say?”

Delighted, he allowed her to lead him to the cot in the back of his office. He sat on the edge, then pulled her close and kissed her.

“I love you,” he told her. “You are so much more than I deserve.”

“I’m sure that’s true.”

“I want to make you happy.”

“You already do.”

“I’m serious, Linda. Make a list of demands. I’ll fulfill them all.”

She hesitated, then nodded. He knew what she was thinking. She was putting “find a cure” at the top of her list.

If only that were possible, he thought grimly.

“You can,” she whispered as he closed his eyes. “I know it’s there for you, my love. Just out of reach. Sleep and dream of the answer.”

He stretched out on the cot. Pray God that he could.

K
ERRI PUT DOWN
the book and stretched. She looked over at Cody. “Had enough? Ready for TV? Or I can keep reading.”

Her nine-year-old shook his head. “You’ve been crying, Mom.”

Not this hour, she thought as she forced herself to
smile. “I’m fine. Better than fine. I’m ready to do an ice-cream run.”

“I’m not hungry. It hurts to eat. It hurts to just be in bed. Mom, you have to let me go.”

Kerri felt her self-control start to crumble. She’d managed to pull it together after Nathan had left a few hours before, but she didn’t have much in the way of reserves. If Cody pushed too hard, he was going to see a breakdown that would scare the life out of him.

How much would that take? How much life was left?

Her eyes began to burn as her throat tightened. No, she told herself. No! She wouldn’t lose it like this.

She cleared her throat. “Excuse me, but last time I checked, I’m still the mom so I get to make the rules.”

Cody didn’t smile. He was pale, his features drawn. The combination of drugs and pain had sucked the strength out of him.

“Mom, I mean it. I’m done here. I need to go. I’ll be okay. It’s heaven, right? I’ve been good enough.”

She slid onto the bed and carefully gathered him into her arms. He winced, but she didn’t let go. She needed to be holding him.

“You’ve been amazing. You’re a great kid and I don’t know how I got so lucky.”

“Dad sent me,” Cody whispered. “And now he’s
waiting for me. I want to see him, Mom. I won’t hurt in heaven. I’ll be able to run and play baseball. We’ll wait for you together.”

The tears started slowly, then rolled down her cheeks faster and faster.

“Cody, I can’t,” she breathed. “I love you too much.”

“You’ll be okay. Nathan will take care of you.”

“I’m not sure about that.”

“He loves you. He told me. He’ll be there, Mom.”

Maybe he would have been, before she’d gone crazy and sent him away.

She still didn’t know what had happened. It was as if by telling her he loved her, he’d opened a scary place inside. One that didn’t let her believe in second chances—because that’s what he was.

Even though Cody should be the only thing she thought of, she missed Nathan. She wanted to call him but didn’t know what to say.

“Cody, please. Not yet.”

“Not today,” he agreed. “But soon.”

She knew he was in pain every second of every day. She knew it was only going to get worse. Asking him to hang on was selfish and wrong and yet she couldn’t let go of her child.

“I love you,” she whispered.

“I love you, too.”

The nurse came in. “Time for your next shot.”

They both watched the liquid injected into the IV. In a matter of minutes, Cody relaxed.

Kerri stood and waited until he was asleep. He would have a couple of good hours now, she thought gratefully. Hours when he didn’t have to deal with the agony.

She wiped her face on her sleeve, then walked out of his room. The last thing she wanted to do was eat, but she needed to get something into her system. She honestly couldn’t remember her last meal.

One of the nurses walked by. “I just saw Nathan down in the cafeteria, if you’re wondering where he is. That man cares about you two so much. You must be happy to have him here to help you.”

Kerri nodded without speaking. Nathan here? Was it possible?

She raced to the elevator and when it took too long, she ran down the stairs and burst into the basement. She’d been there so many times she didn’t need the signs to get her to the open double doors.

She stumbled inside, then came to a stop as she looked over the tables, searching for a familiar man who couldn’t possibly still be here. Then she saw him.

“You’re here,” she breathed as she hurried over. “You didn’t leave. I told you to leave.”

He put down his coffee and stood. “I don’t usually listen to what you say. It’s a guy thing.”

She grabbed the chair to keep from falling to the ground. She couldn’t feel her legs, or any other part of her body. There was only hope and joy and aching sadness.

“You’re here,” she whispered again. “I can’t believe it.”

“I love you both, Kerri. Where else would I go?”

Back to his rich world with its beautiful women. Back to a place where kids were healthy and death was years and years away. Back to where it was easy.

“He’s going to die,” she said, which wasn’t at all what she’d meant to blurt out. “He wants me to let him go.”

“You don’t have to agree. Hang on. There might still be a miracle.”

She stared into his dark eyes, finding strength there. “I don’t know if I can. I’m so tired. There’s nothing left.”

“Then you rest and I’ll stand guard. We’ll take turns.”

He could have left her. He could have not bothered. He could have done a thousand things, but he’d stayed.

His presence gave her the courage to say it at last. “I have to let him go. I have to tell him it’s okay.”

Nathan pulled her close. “No, you don’t. You hold on as long as you can.”

She pushed back. “Nathan, we both know that isn’t helping him. You were right with Daniel. Children don’t always know. They don’t want to hurt us by leaving. You’ve been right about all of it. About Brian being disappointed in me because I made Cody my whole life. He’s just a little boy. He never deserved such a big burden.”

“Kerri.” He kissed the top of her head.

“I have to tell him. If I don’t, he’ll just suffer more. And for what? Because I’m too weak and selfish to do the right thing? I’m better than that and he deserves more than that.”

“God, I love you.”

“I love you, too,” she told him. “Talk about bad timing.”

He nodded, then took her hand. “Whatever you want to do.”

She led the way back to her son’s room. Outside, in the hallway, she dug deep for strength, for faith. She let the love wash over her, straightening her spine and giving her the words that needed to be said. Then she walked inside.

But Cody wasn’t alone. Dr. Wallace stood beside him, injecting several vials into the IV hookup.

“It’s the enzymes,” he said as he worked frantically. “I knew it was there. They’re like a switch we’ll turn off. We had the solution yesterday, but there was a mistake in the equation. I realized that this morning. I dreamed about it. When I awoke, I knew what was wrong.”

He handed Kerri the empty vials. “It is time to pray. We’ll know in twenty-four hours if I’m right. The progression of the disease should stop by then. Then we work on strengthening his body again. A long journey, but a hopeful one. If we can make it through the next day.”

T
HE SUMMER SUN WARMED
the air. Nathan waited in the open foyer of the Portland, Oregon, residential facility. If he ignored the bars across the windows, he could almost convince himself he was in a four-star hotel.

It had been two weeks since Frankie had arrived here. Two weeks with only brief reports telling him she was doing better. But he hadn’t spoken to her and now, as the far door opened, he braced himself.

For a moment, he nearly didn’t recognize her. Gone was the long, dark hair and the haunted eyes. Instead a petite young woman with short hair and flushed cheeks walked toward him. The frumpy, ill-fitting clothes had been replaced by a pretty summer dress. Even more unexpected…she was smiling.

“You look shocked,” she said as she approached. “It’s the haircut, isn’t it? I told them to warn you. There’s a beauty salon here, along with a boutique. It’s very upscale. I guess if you’re going to be crazy, it’s best to be rich. I should warn you, I’ve been charging up a storm. You’re probably going to have to cut me off to teach me a lesson.”

“Frankie?”

“Want me to start counting to prove it?”

Impulsively, he reached for her, then stopped himself. Her smile twisted slightly as she took a little step to the side.

“I can’t hug yet,” she told him, tucking her hands behind her. “I want to, but the touching thing is still
weird. The drugs are helping, though. The doctors would say it’s more about the therapy, but I like the pills. They’re easier. Swallowing is a whole lot faster than cognitive behavior therapy.”

“I don’t know what to say,” he admitted. “I didn’t know what to expect.”

“The good news is I’m not frothing at the mouth.”

This was the sister he remembered. The bright, funny girl who had her whole life in front of her.

“You want to go for a walk?” he asked. “Do they let you outside?”

“On a leash.” She smiled tentatively. “Yes, I’d like to go for a walk.”

They went out into the sunshine.

“It’s pretty here,” she said. “I thought it would be horrible, but it isn’t.”

“I’m glad. I was worried.”

“Don’t be. It’s helping. I can feel it. I’m still not where I need to be, but I get flashes of hope.”

He wanted her to promise that she would be all right. He wanted to know he hadn’t lost her forever.

“Hope’s a good thing,” he said.

She paused by a long row of roses. “Nathan, I’m really sorry about what I did. I never meant to hurt your friend. What I did was so horrible.”

“Don’t,” he told her. “It’s my fault. You were right about everything. I did take the easy way out. I left you to handle the worst experience of your life by yourself. You were so young. I should have been
there for you and I wasn’t. I’m ashamed of myself. I would give anything to go back and change that.”

She nodded slowly without looking at him. “Me, too. I have a lot of anger built up inside. I’m just starting to look at it. Damn therapy.” She raised her head. “I don’t blame you. Not really. You got out and I don’t regret that. One of us should have escaped.”

“I wish it had been you.”

“I doubt I would have made billions.”

“It’s not about the money.”

She smiled. “I’m glad you said that. I’ll keep shopping.”

Her humor only made him feel worse. “I want to fix things.”

“As you don’t have a professional degree, I don’t see that happening. Being there helps. Telling me you want us to have a relationship helps. Time will help.”

“You’re not going to cut me out of your life?” he asked. “It’s what I deserve.”

“That would be the easy way out, big brother. You’re going to be stuck with me forever.”

“I’m glad,” he said, and meant it.

They continued walking along the path.

“How are things going with you?” she asked. “How’s Kerri’s son?”

“Doing well,” Nathan said, still amazed by the boy’s spectacular recovery. “Dr. Wallace found a cure. Cody’s getting stronger by the day. He’ll be out
of the hospital tomorrow and should be back in school within a few months. If all goes well, he’ll get a chance at a normal life. He’ll always need to be careful and take medication, but compared with what he’s been through, that’s easy.”

Frankie smiled. “Really? Wow. That’s incredible. You must be…” Her smile faded. “Is it okay? Does it make you sad about Daniel?”

“Sometimes. I wish he could have been saved, too. I miss him.”