Authors: Janice Cantore
20
Carly found Nick as quickly as she could, grabbed his arm, and pulled him toward the door. She raged about the pastor’s words, counting on Nick to be an understanding sounding board.
“He talked to me like he was someone I knew well, though I haven’t seen him in five years! I can’t believe the gall of these holier-than-thou people.”
“Don’t you think you’re overreacting? I mean, the guy seemed nice enough to me.”
“No! I don’t like being preached to! I won’t take it from my mother, and I’m not going to take it from her pastor. Whose side are you on, anyway?”
Nick shrugged. “I’m not taking sides, just making an observation.”
They reached their cars quickly with Carly’s angry pace.
“Can’t we forget the pastor and get back to the subject of Jeff?” he asked. “That is why we wanted to get together in the first place, isn’t it?”
Carly turned on Nick but caught herself before she plastered him with animosity meant for Jonah Rawlings. She clenched and unclenched her hands. “I’m sorry. He really rubbed me the wrong way.”
“Think about something else. What do you want to do now with what we heard about Drake, Harris, and Darryl Jackson’s confession?”
She looked at the palm-lined driveway. It was nearly dark now, and lights silhouetted the trees along the drive. Anger at the pastor and surprise that he’d so easily yanked her chain dissipated slowly. She should be thinking about Jeff and Londy.
“Maybe I am overreacting,” she admitted. “In any case, we need to tell my mom about the confession. Let’s head to her house now.” Self-control returned when the realization hit: she would not have to ever see Rawlings again if she chose not to. “My mom can call Dora. Did you find out anything else?”
“Yeah. I talked to one of the union guys. He said the story is true and will be in the paper tomorrow. I guess there was a reporter from the
Messenger
at the funeral bugging the brass for details. Drake is already filing a grievance. But you know as well as I do how slow the grievance process is.”
Carly remembered Trejo. That’s why he was at the funeral; she knew it. Of course he would cover anything that made the police department look bad. An internal struggle over solving a high-profile murder case would make the department look horrible.
“I saw the reporter. I think my mom and Dora deserve to hear about it before it hits the paper. Trejo’s view certainly won’t be objective.”
“I agree. Let’s get going, then. You lead.”
The drive back to Old Towne gave Carly a chance to shelve her ire with Pastor Rawlings. Instead, she concentrated on how to tell her mom about Darryl’s confession. And she wondered,
What will this mean to Londy’s mother? Will this be the bomb that blows up both women’s faith?
Kay Edwards’s neighborhood hadn’t changed at all since Carly was a child. A few remodeled houses dotted the street, but most remained the quaint, tract-style homes popular in the fifties and sixties. When Nick and Carly arrived, several cars were parked in front of the house and all the lights shone in the living room.
“I think they’re having a prayer meeting,” Nick said when he met her on the sidewalk. “Why don’t we go around to the back so we don’t disturb them?”
“How do you know they’re having a prayer meeting? This isn’t my mom’s normal night.”
“I talked to your mom last night. She said she and a group from church would be in prayer throughout the entire funeral. It doesn’t look as though they’ve finished.” He averted his eyes and walked toward the backyard.
“Wait a second; why were you talking to my mom?” Carly’s hands flew to her hips and she squared off in front of her ex, stopping his progress. He had no business talking to her mother. And her temper still simmered from the encounter with Pastor Rawlings.
“I, uh . . . I talk to her a lot.” Nick looked like a cop on the witness stand facing a tough attorney and defending a weak case. He walked around her and continued to the back porch.
“What do you mean, you talk to her a lot? Mom never mentioned that she talks to you.” Carly followed, brows knit in confused anger.
“Probably because she knew you’d get mad like you are now.”
“What could you possibly have to talk to my mother about?” One hand clenched in a fist by her side while the other hand, index finger extended, punctuated her point. “Nick, I swear, if you sit and whine to my mom about us getting back together or you try to make her believe you’re not guilty of cheating, I’ll be more than angry, and I will never, ever speak to you again. I don’t know what’s worse—you trying to insinuate yourself into her good graces or her not telling me of your little talks.”
“It’s not that at all, Carly. I just don’t think you’d understand.” He picked some dead leaves off a plant near the porch.
“Understand what? Try me, Nick. Or I’ll march in there, disrupt her meeting, and ask her myself.”
He was silent for so long, Carly started toward the door.
“Carly, it has nothing to do with you. When your mother and I talk, we talk about other things. At first, maybe, I did hope to get to you through your mother; I’ll admit that. But not now. Now . . .”
“Now what? Are you going to tell me you’re dating my mother?”
“No! No, no.” He shook his head. “I should have told you a long time ago. She told me to. But you wouldn’t even speak to me for months! And now, now that we’re speaking and things are better, I’m afraid. God forgive me, I’m afraid you’ll go back to silence.”
Carly crossed her arms and glared. In response, Nick threw his hands up. “All right, here goes nothing. I started going to church with your mother and I’ve become a Christian. There, I’m relieved I said it.” He looked anything but relieved as he watched Carly’s reaction.
“You’re what? A Bible-thumper like my mom?” The angry glare became a disbelieving stare.
Nick is like Dora and my mother?
When he didn’t sprout a second head, she stalked away toward the backyard fence, arms still folded across her chest. The evening breeze was cold, and Carly shivered.
It seemed like this God was closing in on her from all sides—Mom, Londy’s mother, the nosy pastor, and now Nick. She and Nick used to be in agreement about the nonsense of religion. Nick always said religion was for hypocrites.
Carly ran her hands through her hair and sighed in exasperation. She turned back toward her ex. “So tell me—what has this God done for you? Absolved you of all guilt regarding your affair?” With a little more rancor than she’d intended, she stabbed for a wound still raw, wanting an honest answer: what could make a man like Nick, always so strong and self-assured, think he needed God?
“It’s a long story. If you really want to know, I’ll tell you. But don’t mock me. I didn’t do it to hurt you. I didn’t even do it for you. I did it for myself. It was the best decision I ever made. We were wrong, you and I, when we used to laugh about your mom’s beliefs.” He leaned against the porch railing and shoved his hands in his pockets. To Carly, he suddenly looked very tired.
But I’m not letting you off the hook yet.
“Now I suppose you have the answer to all the world’s problems like she does.”
“Far from it.” Nick ignored her sarcasm. “But I do have peace. And the assurance that if I get popped by some fool at work, I’ll go to heaven.”
“Peace,” Carly snorted. She looked at him, angry but not knowing at what.
Your being a Christian has nothing to do with me. On the contrary, when I don’t need you any longer, it will just be another reason to avoid you.
“Okay, Nick, I’ll bite. Tell me what made you decide you needed peace.”
Nick took a deep breath and sat on the porch, stretching his legs out in front of him. “Guilt, mostly. Guilt and pain over losing the woman I loved. It sounds corny, but when you left, I didn’t think I’d make it. And knowing how much I’d hurt you made it worse. You wouldn’t even hear me out.” He looked at Carly, and she avoided his gaze.
There was nothing to say; you hurt me too badly.
Nick continued. “I was okay at work. I mean, it’s easy to hide in the uniform, take on a different personality. But at home I was so empty and lost and hurting.”
Hurting,
Carly thought.
You don’t know what hurt is! Hurting is picturing your husband in bed with another woman! That’s hurting!
Tears sprang to her eyes and she tensed, fearing if she moved, they’d spill out.
I will not cry about this anymore.
She focused on Nick’s voice.
“I called your mom. At first I hoped if she saw how devastated I was, she’d tell you and I’d get another chance. But she wouldn’t. She told me right off the bat she wouldn’t take sides or take part in any manipulation. What she did say was that she’d listen to me, provided I went to church with her. It seemed like a fair exchange.” Nick paused as if searching for the right words.
Carly leaned against the fence.
What is fair when a man rips your heart out of your chest?
Nick shifted on the porch step. “But I wasn’t prepared for what I heard at church. It cut me right to the heart. Selfishness, pride, lust—everything that made me cheat. Carly, you never let me tell you what happened that night.”
He waved a hand at her as she started to protest. “No, let me tell it. Just stop. We started this conversation; let’s finish it completely.” He glared, and she was silent. “You’d been gone a whole week to that school in San Diego. And you were going to be gone another week. We had a power struggle going on about whether you should come home for the weekend or I should go to San Diego. It ended up in an argument, and both of us stayed in our respective corners. I was so angry. I missed you a lot, but I couldn’t swallow my pride and go to you. I went to Rachel’s Bar, got drunk off my butt, and woke up in bed with a waitress. I’m not trying to minimize anything; I’m just telling you what went down. No matter what else you heard, that’s all it was—a one-night stand. She tried to blackmail me into a relationship, I told her to get lost, she called you, and the rest is history.”
Carly felt tears prick her eyes as she remembered the argument. It was a silly one. She didn’t want to drive and tried to manipulate Nick into driving without coming right out and asking him. She also remembered the phone call from the waitress.
“I slept with your husband. He likes me better than he likes you.”
An involuntary shudder ripped through her body.
Do you really understand how much it hurt?
“Anyway,” Nick continued, “the message I heard at church showed me how low and wrong I was. No one made me go to bed with that woman. I could blame it on alcohol and anger, but the bottom line is, I screwed up. I had to pay for my actions. Yes, God has forgiven me. It took longer to forgive myself. The thing I most regret is hurting you. I never meant that. So now I go to church with your mom. I have met Dora Akins. But I never met Londy until the day we found the mayor. She believes in him; that’s enough for me. He’s no murderer, and that was one of the reasons I said I would help you.”
For a long time the two of them just looked at one another. Carly didn’t know what to say and didn’t want to speak because tears would come. When she couldn’t hold his gaze any longer, she looked off toward the horizon. For over a year she had buried hurt and anger deep down, not wanting to face any of it. Denial was bliss. Rejection and betrayal were twin pains piercing her heart. Now the reason for all of her turmoil was sitting in front of her, and he’d explained himself. It was anticlimactic.
“You really hurt me.” Carly’s voice squeaked, and she focused on the horizon, not Nick.
“I know, and I’m sorry. I’d take it all back if I could.”
After a time, Carly turned to face Nick, anger diffused, but exhausted from the emotional roller coaster. What she saw in his face took her breath away. He’d looked at her the same way on their wedding day.
The back door opened and interrupted the moment. When Nick rose to greet Kay, Carly swallowed hard and blinked.
You can’t take it back, and I will never forgive you.
21
“I thought I heard voices! For heaven’s sake, what are you two doing out here?” Kay’s surprise was obvious as she cast a confused glance from her daughter to Nick.
“We came to see you,” Nick said. He gave Kay a hug. “I figured you were still having your prayer meeting; didn’t want to disturb it, so we came back here.”
“We’re all finished. Only Dora and Jack are left.”
Jack was Jack Deaton, a man who lived next door. He supported himself as a handyman and was always around if Kay needed anything. The relationship was a two-way street. Jack was deaf, and his wife had died a couple of years ago. His kids wanted him to move into an assisted-living home, but Jack didn’t want to lose his independence. Kay stepped in and learned sign language in order to communicate with him more effectively, putting his kids’ minds at ease that she would keep an eye on their father. Carly liked Jack and felt the relationship was just as good for her mother as it was for him. The two singles looked after one another.
“We have some bad news, Mom.” Carly hugged her mom, relieved that Kay had stepped outside when she did. “Maybe we should go inside and tell Dora at the same time.”
Kay frowned and then shook her head. “At least we’re all prayed up,” she said as she turned and went into the house. “We can handle anything.”
Carly and Nick followed Kay inside. Nick explained to the older women and Jack what they’d learned. While he spoke, Kay signed for Jack so he could hear also.
“How can an obviously self-serving confession from a man charged with murder be so easily believed?” Kay asked after Nick broke the news.
“If the murder occurred during the commission of a carjacking, it’s a death-penalty case,” Nick explained. “So of course he’s trying to save his skin. I would hope a smart jury would take such a confession with a grain of salt. It just means we have to pray—and dig—for some evidence to surface that will prove the confession is false and clear Londy completely.” Nick patted Dora’s hand.
“Thank you for telling me.” Dora shook her head and took a deep breath. “I had a good visit with Londy today. But he was feeling down. When he hears this . . . I just don’t know. I want him to be pumped up with hope.”
“That will be the foundation of our prayers,” Kay said.
“I appreciate all of your prayers. I’ll need to stay strong for my son.” Dora seemed to gain strength from an inner source, and Carly’s respect for the woman rose a notch.
This hasn’t shaken her faith.
“The bright side is,” Dora continued, “Londy really likes Nathan Wagner. Nathan is a godly man. He’ll work hard for Londy.”
Carly bit her tongue to keep from saying the lawyer better not just be godly; he better be good.
“That’s great,” Nick said. “I’ve heard about Wagner; he’s got a solid reputation.”
Jack made his feelings heard by catching Kay’s attention and signing furiously to her. Through the translation, he expressed his displeasure that anyone would believe Darryl. Kay shrugged in response and said, “Trust God,” both verbally and in sign language.
“Amen to that,” Nick added.
Jack nodded, somewhat chastened, then signed his good-byes and was gone.
Carly looked at Nick as though she were seeing him for the first time. She sat back, watching and listening as Nick talked her mother’s God talk. He brought a great deal of encouragement to Kay and Dora. Nick, the man she thought she knew, the man who’d shared her life for eight years, was a different person.
The threesome continued with their religious talk. Carly didn’t complain. She just left them to it and escaped to the kitchen, made some coffee, and raided the freezer. Mom always bought good ice cream, and Carly filled a dish and sat at the kitchen table. When she sat, she remembered the cell phone in her pocket. She’d turned it off for the funeral. She pulled it out and turned it on, hoping to see a message from Jeff. Instead five messages greeted her, one from Elaine and four from Andrea. Before she could listen to the messages, the phone buzzed with another call from her roommate. Carly set her spoon down and answered.
“Hey! About time. I’ve left you a few messages.” The normally unflappable roommate was breathless.
“Sorry. I turned the phone off for the funeral and just remembered to turn it back on. What’s the matter?”
“When I got home to change and go to the Hacienda to see if anyone was still there, Elaine called.”
“Elaine? I see she left me a message as well. Is everything okay?”
“No. She wanted to talk to Nick—although why she’d call you for Nick, I don’t know. Apparently she came home from her folks’ to pick up some things for the kids, and her house had been burglarized! Totally ransacked and torn apart. Can you believe it?”
Upset by this news, Carly stood to pace the small kitchen, her ice cream momentarily forgotten. “Is everyone all right?”
“I guess, but she wanted to talk to Nick. Maybe you should call her. You don’t know where Nick is, do you?”
“Well, yeah, he’s here at Mom’s with me.” Carly grimaced. Andi would have a fit about Nick.
“What on earth is he doing there with you? Have you gone soft in the head?”
“It’s a long story. I don’t want to go into it now. Why don’t you save your wrath and hang up so I can call Elaine back?”
“You need to be careful. Just because you’re concerned about Jeff doesn’t mean you can trust
Nick
, of all people. I can’t believe he’s there with you.” Andi would have complained a little longer, but Carly convinced her to hang up.
Carly called Nick out of the living room to phone Elaine. He’d turned his phone off as well and powered it up to call. They sat together at the table.
Jeff and Elaine’s house had been turned upside down, even the couch pillows ripped open. Carly got the drift listening to Nick on the phone. Nick patiently calmed and reassured Elaine.
“It was obvious they were looking for something,” Nick said after he hung up. “But neither Elaine nor I can figure out what that might be.”
“I doubt that Jeff would leave anything in the house to jeopardize his family.”
“It wouldn’t surprise me if this was just an attempt to flush Jeff out of wherever he’s hiding by messing with Elaine. She’s leaving to stay with her family in Palm Springs for an indefinite time period.” Nick stood and stepped to the coffeepot on the counter. He grabbed a cup from the cupboard and poured some.
Carly studied him thoughtfully, unable to concentrate on Elaine. Nick had changed in so many ways.
“What? Did I grow horns or something?” Nick noticed he was the object of her regard and smiled. He rejoined her at the table.
“In a manner of speaking, yeah. You really believe all that stuff my mom is always spouting, don’t you?”
Nick chuckled. “Yeah, I do. It’s changed my life.”
Carly couldn’t hold his blue-eyed gaze and concentrated on her melting ice cream. “Made you a better person?” she asked with a mouthful of rocky road.
“I hope so. Life is easier now in many ways.”
She swallowed. “Easier how? Aren’t there just more rules and regulations to follow?”
“Faith in God and in Jesus Christ isn’t about rules and regulations, Carly. It’s about a relationship with the Creator. We’re precious to him.”
“Precious?” Pastor Rawlings had used the same word. “If we are so precious, why is life so painful sometimes? You’ve been a cop as long as I have; you’ve seen the pain and the suffering inflicted on good people, on innocent kids. My dad believed, and he still died of cancer. What good is a God who won’t stop the suffering?” The memory of her father brought a painful lump to her throat.
“I can’t answer for all the suffering and evil in this world.” Nick shook his head and toyed with his coffee cup. “Yeah, I’ve seen as much as you have. It sucks to see innocent people get hurt or die. But I know God is a good God. He made us and put us in a world that was free of sickness and pain. The paradox is that he gave us choices. Our own choices took us out of that perfect world. Think of crime—how many traffic accidents have you handled because some moron ran a red light or blew a stop sign?”
“A lot.”
“Right. Someone chooses to break the law and they hurt themselves and someone else. It’s the same with the world. People choose to break God’s laws and they hurt themselves and others. As for your dad . . . well, I know it hurt to lose him that way. I know you miss him. I know it doesn’t seem fair. But everyone dies, Carly, whether it’s cancer, a traffic accident, or going to sleep and never waking up.” He stretched a hand across the table as if to grasp hers but stopped short. “Your dad was ready to go. I remember him telling you to let go and move on. He believed with all his heart he was going to a better place. I believe he’s there now.”
She stood, picked up her half-finished bowl, and took it to the sink, struggling not to give in to tears. She wanted more time with her dad, and she was never going to have it. When she trusted herself to speak, she began softly. “But if he’s God, Nick, he could snap his fingers and change everything, couldn’t he?”
Nick answered her with the soft tone she’d always loved. “He could, but he loves us too much. He wants us to love him because he first loved us, not because he snaps his fingers. It may not make sense, but God made us this way, with the capacity for good and evil, because he loves us. Look, I know you hate being pushed into anything. God doesn’t push. We aren’t puppets. He’s waiting for you to ask, to choose him.”
“You asked him for peace?”
“I asked for a lot—forgiveness, salvation, a new life. Anyone can ask. Everyone has the choice: accept God or reject him; there’s no middle ground. Have you truly made a choice, Carly?” His eyes held hers this time and she couldn’t look away. Her heart wanted to keep the moment and erase the past. The Nick she believed in and fell in love with was a strong presence in her thoughts. That man was someone she trusted for eight years, someone whose hand she wanted to reach out and hold. But she couldn’t bring herself to erase adultery, and her mind sobered up quickly.
The man seated in front of her now was a man who threw away those eight years of marriage on a fling with a waitress. She broke the connection.
“Right now, I choose to go home and go to bed. It’s been a long day.” She stood, kissed her mother good night, and nodded ’bye to Nick.